Chapter 21
Tony
The possibility of getting the key changed everything.
It gave us a connection to our past selves, when we could move around the world like we knew what we were doing.
When we had power and connections. When we were feared and respected.
We had methods and rules. A part of me wants a little bit of myself back.
For my own satisfaction, of course, but also for Julia.
She deserves men who are whole.
We’re on the dock with the cart, waiting for Tonya’s father’s car. The red toolbox sits on top.
“I think we should get in it,” Julia says, peering down the street for a van with a license plate that says COOPER 3.
“I’ll go with you, but I don’t agree.”
“Always fight,” she says. “Never surrender.”
“Fight when you can win,” Caspian mutters.
We’re losing this battle. I know it. We won’t force her to go with us. Not even for her own good. But I won’t give up until she gets in the car and we have no choice but to follow her.
“When the car comes,” she says, “I’m getting in it. If you guys want to go and get the key yourselves, I have a little money I can give you. It’ll keep you for a few days.”
Caspian and I have already decided that won’t happen. Neither the separating part nor the taking her money part.
“And you just wait for Gerry to find out where you are?” Caspian asks.
Behind him, a black van rolls down the near-empty boulevard.
“I told you. I’m fighting. Tonya wants to win. You can’t win if you don’t fight. What you want to do means we’re not here to tell him no. It’s running away.”
The van stops in front of us. The plate says COOPER 3.
“It’s being smart,” I say a lot more tersely than I intend. “Your plan isn’t a plan. It’s a reaction. What you want to do is so fucking risky and frankly stupid that I can’t even believe what I’m saying.”
The driver gets out. He and Caspian shake hands. I can’t hear what they say past the buzzing in my ears. I have so much more to say and nothing is going to shut me up.
“I’ve watched you from a box for ten years. I’ve watched you live hand to mouth, but you’re so fucking resourceful. You put together jobs. You build a business. Then you sabotage yourself. Do you see that? Every time. Make this time different. Let us help you. Please. We love you.”
The driver’s pulled down a little ramp at the back of the van. He and Caspian push the tool cart up it.
When I look back at Julia, her eyes are wet. When she blinks, I stop breathing. Tears are going to fall down her cheeks. I’m going to fold. I’ll fall apart like old paper if I’ve made her cry.
But no tears fall. She’s not crying. That doesn’t change the fact that she looks as if she’s going to, or that I fear she will.
The driver stands by the open sliding back door.
“You guys have a good plan. I’m sorry I reacted like that, but…” She looks as if she’s going to cry again.
“It’s okay.” Caspian touches her face. “We’ll go with you.”
“No. You have to do what you need to do. That’s your life. I can’t keep dragging you around mine.”
“Are you sure?”
“I won’t forget you. Not for one second.”
“Please. Don’t.” Caspian smiles as if she made a joke. How the fuck is he smiling? This isn’t funny. “We’ll get back here as soon as we can.”
“Okay.”
Caspian gathers her in his arms. He looks over her head at me with a hard expression, waving me forward behind her back. He wants me to leave her alone. Stop trying to sell it and just come over there and hold her. But I can’t. This is dumb and fucked up.
She pulls away from Caspian. My hands are in my pockets and I can’t even face her straight on. Fantastically welcoming body language.
She backs away toward the van. “I’m glad I met you, Tony.”
“Julia, come on.”
She gets into the car.
“Julia!”
Caspian holds me back with a hand to my chest. “Let her.”
The door isn’t closed yet. I can still make it. I push him away and run to the opening in the side of the van.
“Julia!”
She’s not in the back seat. I panic until I see her behind the seats, coming between them with the toolbox in her hand.
“Here.” She gives me the box.
“What am I supposed to do with this? Is it some kind of consolation prize?”
“Dude.” She plops herself into a back seat. “Give me a second.”
I hold the toolbox tightly, as if it’s got two souls inside it.
She exhales, facing forward. “I can’t demand you act like a partner and then undercut you.
I was trying to be strong, but I was being stubborn.
I’m supposed to be loyal. I want to be. I also want to be independent.
And passionate, but also cool and collected.
Flexible and single-minded at the same time.
I don’t know how to be. I can’t be everything. That’s all I know.”
I open my mouth to reassure her, but as a sound escapes my throat, her hand shoots out and her fingertips cover my lips. She’s still looking forward.
“You guys are tied to me now.” Her hand drops.
“If I forget you for a minute… in the shower or singing a song with the radio, you could change. If someone sees you change, they’ll freak out.
If you’re driving, you could kill someone.
They’d uncover a tool in the driver’s seat.
It would be so unremarkable, there wouldn’t even be a police report to track down.
If you change and no one’s looking, you could end up in some random garage or a fucking landfill.
You could be at the bottom of the ocean for a hundred reasons.
I’d never find you.” She faces me. “I don’t know how I’ll live with that. ”
“I’m sorry,” I say. “It’s not fair.”
“None of this is.” She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. “I tried to be cool about all this, you know… ‘eyes open’ and all that. But that’s not fair either. I had to say it to understand it.” She swings her legs around in my direction. “I was scared. I didn’t know I was, but that was it.”
“Okay. Good.” If I say more—if I commit to telling her to come with us or we’ll get in next to her—she’ll fold into the air and disappear. I don’t even breathe.
She slides down the seat until her feet drop onto the sidewalk.
“Your idea is better.” She takes the toolbox. “You win, Tony. Let’s go.” She walks right by me, toward Caspian, then takes a few steps backward. “Dude! You coming?!”
She’s with us. Thank you, God and all the fucking angels.
“Coming!” I shout, then break into a run.
Nothing has ever felt as good as staying together.