Chapter 11
ELEVEN
MARIA
I died and went to space heaven.
Well, solitary space heaven, so not quite perfect.
I lay on my back in the heated pool, staring up at the beautiful colors of the nebula projected on the ceiling wall.
It was a shimmering aurora of colors that I could see with the naked eye, and I wasn't limited to just that.
Lyrien had provided multiple viewing settings so I could look at the recording of a nebula through the wide range of what his sensors had captured.
Once we were able to move again, I would be able to see the sights in person.
He was wining, dining, and wooing me.
Anything I could dream of, I was provided with one single exception.
He had held back on seducing me any further.
I was growing frustrated, wearing less and less clothing as I lounged against him during our work sessions to hunt down and clear the contaminant from deeper sections of his body, but he didn't take advantage.
He kept himself perfectly still, no matter how I positioned myself against his tendrils.
I wasn't quite ready to beg him to play with me like a toy.
So I did what I always did when I got sexually frustrated, and threw myself into my education.
Lyrien had significant resources stored on board that he said he used for trading, and he had something he called his manufacturing bay, which was a series of complex alien 3D printers that could work with different materials.
I wanted a specific type of garden; I got a garden grown from alien seeds, lush and colorful.
I wanted a pool; now I had a pool. Once I had cleared a section of his body of the contaminant, he was able to reconfigure his internal space to make room for whatever activity I wanted to do, and he was a large ship.
I had access to endless downloaded alien entertainment and educational material, and I had spent the time catching up on all the information that had been denied to me.
Lately, I had spent more time trying to learn about Lyrien.
That information about his biology was less readily available unless I asked him direct questions, which I wasn’t quite ready to pry about, but I had learned how to perform minor repairs and upkeep on his manufacturing bay.
He didn't normally need me to do things like that, but until I had cleared a section, he couldn't move his filaments to do the repairs himself without risking the spread of the contaminant.
He couldn't modify his drones to hunt down the spots; they were only visible to biological eyes.
Digital sensors measured photons, locking the wave function of reality to a specific fixed state in the moment it was observed.
Biological eyes worked by the brain, filling in the gaps in the blind spots with imagination, both viewing and imagining reality simultaneously.
One of its mechanisms for remaining hidden was to vibrate at a frequency that was difficult for digital recording but was easier for analog processing.
Its secondary disguise was that the contaminant didn't react to standard light; it only reacted to the bio-electromagnetic fields of smaller biological creatures, activating only in the presence of a small nervous system looking at it.
Lyrien's larger body couldn't trigger it to appear on his viewing sensors, whether biological or mechanical.
"Lyrien," I said, sitting up so suddenly that my legs plunged down into the water as a sudden thought occurred to me. "If you can't see the contaminant, how do you know if your center is unaffected? Wouldn't it be more dangerous for the contaminant to spread there?"
The question had layers to it.
First, I was genuinely concerned. Second, he had mentioned that his breeding organs were kept at his center, and I wanted to see them. I wasn't quite ready to tell him I wanted to see his junk because I was spending every night touching myself, thinking about him.
I wasn't a prude. The thought of fucking an alien was exciting in its own way, but Lyrien wasn't just an alien.
He was a gigantic one. He kept living beings inside of him, like his birds in their aviary.
From my perspective, he was courting me, showing me the kind of luxurious, meaningful life I could have if I stayed with him.
But what if he didn't want me to stay? What if it were casual?
Worse than that, what if it was more serious than I ever imagined?
Saying I was ready to go all the way with him could mean something different to him.
If I begged for him to touch me, what would I be giving permission for him to do with me in his culture?
I needed to know what it meant to him first, and some questions could only be answered by getting a good look.
I needed to know what kind of dick I was dealing with.
"I'm keeping an eye on it," he said.
"You can see it?" I asked.
"In my center, yes," he replied. "There is a spot, but I've kept it from spreading."
"Lyrien," I said, climbing out of the pool. I grabbed a towel and dried off, before slipping on the shreds of underwear I'd taken to wearing about everywhere. "You didn't answer my other question. Is it more dangerous for the contaminant to be there?"
"Yes," he said, a note of reluctance in his voice.
"Then why haven't you had me go there to clear it?" I asked.
"I didn't want you to feel obligated," he said.
"Lyrien, I don't understand," I said. "We're helping each other out right now. You rescued me, and you're trying to keep me safe even though I brought a problem on board. What do you think I would feel obligated to do if I came to your center? Does it mean something for your kind?"
"Only mates or family have access to the center," he said. "It is a private thing. Asking you to go there, when you are someone that I am attracted to, is asking you to become my mate. It is a request for a serious relationship and a strong statement of romantic and sexual interest."
My heart fell for a moment.
He hadn't invited me in because he was keeping me at a distance.
Something had gone wrong when he had come onto me in the room where he projected holograms on top of his neurofilaments.
The fact that he had backpedaled in his efforts to seduce me wasn't because he was being coy; it was because something was wrong.
"So you didn't want to ask me because you didn't want to give me the wrong impression?" I asked. "Have I done something that would make you not want me as your mate?"
"Maria," he said, the softness with which he said my name utterly terrifying.
It made my heart lurch with a familiar sensation that, in the past, had always been relief, but now was fear.
Whenever a boyfriend had spoken to me like that, it was because he was about to break up with me, and it felt like being let go from something that wasn't working.
But I didn't want to be let go.
I wanted to be kept.
"Tell me what I've done wrong," I said, unable to keep the words in long enough to wait for what he was going to say. "I can fix it."
"Maria, no," he said. "You've done nothing wrong."
"Then what is going on?" I asked. "You went from coming onto me all hot and heavy to instead wooing me like a billionaire without a sex drive."
"What is a billionaire?" he asked. "That word doesn't translate to someone who hoards money and resources that don't belong to them to the extreme detriment of the general population. Is that right?"
"Yes, that is right, but don't change the subject," I said.
"I get it if you can't trust me. I brought the shit on board that is causing all the problems, but at least tell me if that is the reason you aren't interested in me anymore, because I really, really like you, Lyrien, and I want things to be good between us.
If you lost interest, that is okay, I can handle it, but if this is something I can fix, please let me know because I adore you and I want to be more than just hide away in an asteroid field friends. "
"I haven't lost interest in you, Maria," he said. "It's just that you're trapped here."
The word trapped hung in the air, stagnant and needing to be cleared.
"What does that mean?" I asked, crossing my arms as my heart sank even lower.
"Maria, you can't leave," he said. "We're stuck here until we get the contamination fully cleared.
I don't have a shuttle or an escape pod or anything that I can jettison you away from me should we be found.
You were kidnapped, experimented on, and I'm the only person who has treated you with any kindness or civility.
Your safety depends on me. How could I continue to pursue a romantic relationship with you when you don't have any way to leave me?
Not only is it unethical, but it is unfair to me as well, as I can't be sure you want to be with me for me.
I really like you. You are the first person I have ever wanted to ask to be my mate, to break my shell lock, and it is torture to hold myself back, but I need to.
You don't understand how much I desire you, Maria.
I was going to ask you to be my mate after I brought you to safety, and I could be sure that your choice wouldn't be influenced by the coercion of the situation. "
His words shocked me into silence.
I hadn't even thought about it.
I had been stuck in that lab for so long that the sheer freedom of walking around Lyrien and treating him like my own personal plaything was something I craved like sunlight in the dead of winter.
I relished his attention, his care, and his sensuality.
I wanted all of it, all of him, and I hadn't stopped to think for a moment of the implication of the fact that we were trapped together.
There was no point. I was inside of him, and he was made up of a mass of manipulatable neurofilaments.
At any moment, he could grab me and do whatever he wanted with me.
Instead, he showed that what he wanted to do with me was give me everything I desired.
The situation didn’t matter because his words and actions made it not matter.
"Lyrien," I said, putting my hand over my heart. "Thank you for telling me what you've been thinking."
"You mean the galaxy to me, Maria," he said.
"Then let me in all the way," I told him. "I'm the one asking. You aren't pressuring me. Let me into your center so I can take care of you."
"So you can clear the contaminant," he said, a note of hesitation in his voice, like he wasn't sure what my intentions were.
"Yes," I said, holding back the rest of the words I wanted to say.
I wanted to say it was because I wanted him, that I wanted to be his mate.
But I couldn't say that with full honesty until I saw what he was hiding from me.