Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
Hanging out with Lex the past couple of days has been like going back to before it all happened.
The more time I spend around him, the more at ease I feel.
I can sense myself relaxing, even when we’re out in public.
Lex has been taking me everywhere, being the tour guide, although he claims he’s never really seen the sights of the city either.
Melbourne is beautiful. It’s clean and the people here all seem so friendly. It’s a far cry from New York. But I’m also looking forward to going home. Well, to Lex’s home anyway. I need to look for a job so I’m not just mooching off the Petrovs.
Lex’s idea to get a hotel room was amazing, because I can actually sleep at night knowing he’s in the other room.
He hasn’t pushed for anything physical between us and I’m grateful he hasn’t, but I’m also wondering if he even wants me like that.
I have no doubt he loves me. I mean, people don’t generally throw people who have hurt you out windows for the fun of it.
Love and attraction are two different things, though. He’ll hold my hand, but unless I initiate other touching, like a hug, he won’t.
It’s a little after three in the morning. I couldn’t sleep and figured I’d call my therapist back home to get advice on the matter. Because I think I’m ready for more. I just need to work up the courage to ask for it. What if he doesn’t want more?
I shake my head. What am I worried about? I’ve asked Lex to sleep with me before. He’s turned me down and we moved on like nothing. I can handle rejection.
With that new sense of self-assuredness, I open my bedroom door, walk through the small living room that separates us, and knock on Lex’s side.
When the door opens, a sleepy Lex is standing in front of me in nothing but a pair of black Calvin Kleins.
“Shit, I woke you up. Sorry. Ignore me.” I turn to walk away, and Lex reaches out, grabbing hold of my wrist.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, pulling me back towards him and then quickly letting go.
“You’re awake now anyway, right?” I walk into his room and start pacing.
Lex stands by the doorway, watching me. “Addi, I don’t give a fuck if you wake me up.”
“Well, it’s just…” I stop pacing and look at him. And then start pacing again. “You asked me…” I tell him. “You asked me to be your girlfriend, but is that what you really want, Lex? Or do you just want me as a friend?”
“You are my girlfriend, Addison. If this is you trying to break up with me, it’s not happening.”
“You don’t touch me,” I blurt out.
Lex’s shoulders straighten. “What do you mean?”
“Like a boyfriend. You don’t kiss me, you don’t touch me, you don’t try to get into my panties, Lex. I understand if you’re not attracted to me. I get it. But I need you to either want me or tell me you don’t want me like that.”
“Addison, listen to me very carefully.” Lex takes a step towards me. “There isn’t a single thing about you that I don’t want.”
“Then why haven’t you kissed me?”
“Because I don’t want you to feel pressured into doing anything you’re not ready for,” he says.
“What if I’m ready?”
“Ready for what?”
“More,” I tell him. “Sex.”
His eyes widen in surprise. “You want to have sex?”
I nod my head. “I want to try… Obviously I haven’t since… But I want to. With you.”
Lex smirks. “Well, you sure as shit aren’t trying with anyone else. I’d kill anyone who touched you, Addi.”
I can’t help but smile. It’s twisted. I shouldn’t be happy hearing about his murderous tendencies and possessiveness, but I am. “I don’t want you to do it because you feel obligated, Lex. If you don’t want to, just say so.”
“Are you sure?”
I nod my head.
“Now?” he asks with a raised brow.
I smile. “I mean, we’re both here, and there’s a bed right there.” I gesture across the room.
“Okay.” Lex eyes me curiously. “But if at any point you want to stop, we can stop. We don’t need to do this, Addi. And if you’re doing it because you think I need it, then don’t.”
“I’m doing it because I need it, Lex. I need to know that I can. I need to know that he didn’t break me completely,” I whisper.
Lex steps towards me again. This time, taking hold of my hand. “If you’re broken, I’d hate to think what the fuck I am,” he says. Then he pulls me towards the bed and lies down. “You’re on top.”
“But I don’t know what to do,” I admit.
“Get on top of me, and then do whatever comes to mind. Do whatever makes you feel good, Addi.”
“But I want it to feel good for you too.”
“Trust me, having you on top of me will feel good.” He smirks. “Take off your panties.”
“I already did.” I climb on top of him and straddle his hips. “I was kind of hoping you wouldn’t turn me down.”
“Pfft, I will never turn you down.”
“You used to.” I shrug, placing my hands on his chest. “I want you to touch me, Lex. I want you to do whatever you would normally do.”
Lex reaches over and flicks on the bedside light. “I want you to keep your eyes on mine,” he says as his fingers grip the hem of my shirt and he starts slowly lifting it, giving me every opportunity to stop him.