31. Chapter 31
‘So, there isn’t anyone else?’ Lucy said after a moment.
Jack was confused.
‘No, there’s no one else. I just,’ he leaned back and ran his hands through his hair, his breath ragged, ‘I have a lot on. Things are complicated. I was talking to Suzy about the move and—’
‘Wow,’ Lucy said, half under her breath. ‘You talked to Suzy about this, and yet I didn’t even know you were going?’
Jack fiddled with his coffee mug handle.
‘I haven’t signed the contract yet. And sometimes it’s easier to talk to people you don’t know because—’
‘You would rather talk to a stranger than me?’
‘I didn’t say that,’ Jack said, his voice firm. ‘I said it can be easier. Because strangers don’t have their own agenda for you.’
Lucy’s neck was flushing. ‘I have an agenda for you?’
‘Not exactly,’ Jack said, wishing he could find the words to make himself clear, ‘but I know you, Cassie, Pete and Aislinn and the football gang and everyone. Some of the gang will try to get me to stay in Yorkshire, and some will think it’s really exciting and tell me I should just go and damn the consequences, because that’s what they would do. And,’ he studied the pepper pot, then raised his eyes to meet Lucy’s, ‘I needed to make this decision on my own, without people trying to influence me.’
‘I see,’ Lucy said. ‘I think you know that I would have supported you in whatever you wanted for yourself.’
Her face was pinched, and Jack’s heart lurched.
‘Lucy,’ Jack began.
‘I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you’re leaving, and that—’ she hesitated, ‘you let me…you let us be together last night with you knowing this and me completely in the dark. Like some idiot.’
Her mouth was trembling as she spoke.
‘Luce, I’ve been trying to tell you for days. Actually, since the day you asked me to come with you to the wedding. Every time I try, we get interrupted, or you change the subject.’
Lucy looked slightly chastened, and her tone was a touch softer when she spoke.
‘Yes, but I still didn’t know, did I? Something major about your life, that other people here know about,’ she hissed, ‘but not me. That’s not fair, Jack.’
‘It was hardly premeditated,’ he said. ‘This isn’t about how I feel about you, or about what happened last night. It’s about,’ he searched for the words, ‘not starting something we can’t finish.’
‘That’s right enough,’ she said, a catch in her voice. ‘There’s nothing to start.’
The bubbly waitress returned with wonderful timing.
‘Hi again,’ she said, spreading her smile between them both. Lucy stared at Jack across the table, and he forced a smile for the waitress.
‘For yourself, the full English.’ She deposited a steaming plate in front of Jack. ‘For yourself,’ she plonked a toast rack in front of Lucy, ‘toast and jams. Is everything all right for yourselves?’ she asked.
Jack felt that no, actually, everything is far from alright for ourselves.
Across the table, Lucy gave a tight little nod of the head.
‘All okay, thank you,’ Jack said.
Jack sawed a sausage in half. ‘I don’t want things to be weird between us.’
‘Why would they be weird between us?’ Lucy asked brightly.
She spread marmalade on her toast.
Jack watched and frowned.
‘I didn’t think you liked marmalade,’ he said.
‘Oh, I do!’ Lucy said as she took a big bite of toast. ‘I love it.’ She chewed ferociously. ‘Guess you didn’t know that about me.’
Jack was taken aback for a moment. Lucy looked regretful before she even finished her sentence.
‘Sorry,’ she whispered. ‘That was mean.’
Jack reached his hand across the table and slipped his fingers through hers.
‘I haven’t,’ he swallowed and looked around as if someone might hear them, ‘felt like that with someone before.’
Lucy’s free hand hung suspended in mid-air between her mouth and the plate.
‘Me neither.’
‘To be honest, Lucy, I hesitated because I didn’t want to talk to you—to anyone—about New York until I’d had time to really think about it myself. I need to make the decision on my own. I’ve worked my whole life for this kind of opportunity. And,’ he shrugged, ‘I’m no good at relationships. We both know that.’ He couldn’t look at her. ‘If we tried, even if we both wanted to, I’d be in New York, you’d be in Yorkshire and…’
‘Sure,’ Lucy said, her voice quiet. She placed her half-eaten slice of toast on her plate and pushed it away from her. ‘Makes sense. It was a mistake. We were right the first time.’
‘No, that’s not what I mean.’ He felt tortured. ‘It wasn’t a mistake, Luce. I meant it when I said it was an amazing night.’ He stretched across the table, but Lucy kept her hands in her lap. ‘I just don’t…we’d only be putting off the inevitable, wouldn’t we? If we tried? I’m not good at this, and I can’t lose you as a friend.’ Something inside him wondered if that hadn’t already happened. ‘Lucy, I can’t explain how I feel about…’
‘Sure. I understand,’ she said quietly.
Lucy started to spread marmalade on another slice of toast, then lay the knife down and just looked at it.
Valerie and James bustled up.
‘Hello, Darling.’ Valerie frowned as she kissed Lucy on the cheek. ‘Lucy, are you feeling all right? You look quite peaky. Oh dear,’ she peered at Lucy, ‘you didn’t overindulge, did you? Poor Mark’s in a bad way out there.’ She beamed at Jack. ‘Good morning Jack, how are you?’
‘I’m fine, thank you,’ he said politely.
‘Are you sure you’re okay, darling?’ Valerie persisted to Lucy. ‘You don’t look quite right. Perhaps it’s this T-shirt—red’s never been your colour.’
‘Thank you, Mum,’ Lucy sighed. ‘I’m fine. We’re fine.’
‘All right, darling,’ Valerie said, happy to take Lucy’s word for it. ‘Are you two staying for lunch?’
‘Um…’ They hadn’t talked about it, about what time they’d leave.
He looked at Lucy. Her face was shuttered, her eyes blank and cool.
Jack cleared his throat. ‘I think we’ll, well, I’ll,’ Jack said, ‘have to leave shortly.’
‘Ah yes,’ James said. ‘D-day tomorrow, isn’t it?’
Lucy stared at her father in confusion, and Jack wished the ground would swallow him up. He felt his face going red.
‘Decision day, isn’t it?’ James said brightly. ‘To go or not to go, that is the question.’
‘Oh yes,’ Valerie chimed in. ‘James told me. That’s exciting news Jack, you must be so pleased. It’s exciting, isn’t it, Lucy?’ Valerie prompted.
Lucy looked shell-shocked. She looked from Jack to her father and back again, her eyes glazed and unfocused.
‘Yes,’ she said, at last, her voice flat. ‘Very exciting.’
‘Darling,’ Valerie said with a laugh. ‘You could be a little more pleased for Jack. This is an exciting time for him.’ She shook her head at her daughter. ‘See you at lunch, Lucy.’
Jack’s face flamed as her parents wandered off.
‘Lucy, I didn’t—’
She was pushing her chair back.
Jack was on his feet.
‘Your dad and I were just chatting this morning. I told him about the sale. I know he sold his business years ago. I just wanted his advice.’
Lucy stumbled as she stood and grabbed the back of the chair. Jack jumped up and reached for her, but she held up a hand.
‘Please stop,’ she said.
‘And he must have told your mum.’
‘You know how I feel around my family, Jack?’ Lucy said, spinning unsteadily back to face him. ‘Like I’m on the outside looking in. I don’t really understand them, and they don’t get me.’
Her voice shook, and tears welled up in her eyes. Jack felt emptied out inside.
‘And now you share your most important life decisions with,’ she waved her arms, ‘my parents. And I have to sit there and act as if I know all about it. When truthfully, I feel more on the outside than ever.’
She turned then and walked unsteadily across the dining room, still clutching her napkin. Over her shoulder, she said, ‘I hope my dad gave you good advice.’
Jack, frozen to the spot, face burning, whispered, ‘He did.’