33. Chapter 33
Cringing inwardly, Lucy turned and saw her mother teetering across the lawn towards her, waving a napkin in her hand.
‘Wait there,’ Valerie said as she navigated the grass in heels.
‘What has gotten into you, jumping up like that? Are you ill?’
Lucy baulked as her mother arrived in front of her and pressed a hand to her forehead.
‘No, I’m not ill. I just needed some space.’
Hands on hips, her mother pursed her mouth.
‘Please don’t make this all about you, Lucy. This is Ollie and Sophie’s day.’
Lucy’s chin trembled. She took a deep breath.
‘I just needed some space, Mum. There were a lot of questions about Jack, and I…I…’
Valerie looked on with a mixture of concern and impatience.
‘Darling, spit it out. We’ve got a lunch going on, and I can’t leave our guests for long. What’s the matter?’
‘Mum, I have to tell you something.’
It was on the tip of her tongue to tell her mother the whole thing—that Jack wasn’t really her boyfriend, that she’d struggled with coming alone and asked Jack to pretend for her. That things had got muddled, and they’d slept together, and she thought they had feelings for each other, but they had fought and Jack had gone, and now she didn’t know what to do…but the whole thing felt too painful, embarrassing and ridiculous, so she stuck to her story.
‘Jack’s going to New York and—’
‘He’s made his mind up then?’
‘What?’ Lucy said.
‘He’s made his mind up, has he? Your father said when they were talking, it seemed as if he was still weighing his options.’
Lucy swallowed.
‘Oh.’
So he hadn’t decided yet. She remembered him saying that nothing was final when they were fighting. But then he also said he was due to leave in a few weeks.
‘Seems quite likely,’ she said, and shrugged. ‘And I—’ She swallowed. ‘It’s…I don’t think he wants to talk to me about it in case it influences his decision.’
‘What do you mean, influence? Why would he not be interested in the view of his girlfriend?’
Lucy felt lightheaded. She put a hand out and leaned on a tree.
‘I think…people think…Jack wants, that is.’ Her mother was staring at her.
Lucy tried again.
‘We haven’t talked about it much because Jack has been trying to work out how he feels about it, before he is influenced by what his friends think,’ she caught herself, ‘and by what I think. And I don’t know what he wants to do, and I don’t want to say too much about what I feel because I don’t want to put him under pressure.’
‘Goodness, that’s not how I look at things,’ her mother said in a forthright tone. ‘That sounds like wishy-washy nonsense cooked up by people who don’t know their own minds in the first place. I think you tell people exactly how you feel,’ she sliced a hand through the air, ‘and then it’s up to them to decide if they want to factor your wants in or not. How can they consider what you want if they don’t know what it is? All this nonsense saying we’re not to interfere and that people should make their own choices. Well, they still can, can’t they? But how can it be an informed choice if they don’t consult people around them?’
Lucy shuffled on the spot and dug her fingers into the tree. Her mother might have the tiniest of points. She picked at a piece of bark.
Valerie sighed. ‘Come here.’
Her mother took her hand and led her to a bench, and they sat down.
‘When Heather was a toddler, your father was offered a job, an exciting job as a consultant. This other company,’ Valerie waved her hand dismissively, ‘had seen what a success he was making of his own wine import business and wanted him to consult with them. It would have meant more international travel, he’d have been away for days at a time. He asked me what I thought. I could have obligingly said, Darling, you must take the opportunity, how wonderful for you, and left it at that. But I didn’t. I said, it’s a wonderful opportunity and very exciting for you. I can see why you’d want to do it and I want you to do work you enjoy.’
Lucy watched her mother’s face.
Valerie fixed an imaginary flyaway hair in her pristine bob.
‘But I also said, I will miss you, and I didn’t get married to sleep alone night after night and be on my own with a small child.’
Valerie’s gaze fell on James, who was across the lawns from them, directing the loading of the happy couple’s honeymoon bags.
‘I told him, both things are true, and either way, we’ll manage, and we’ll be fine. But the decision was his. That’s all we said on the subject. He turned the job down and, as far as I know, has never regretted it. You came along soon after. All this pussy-footing around…if one isn’t careful, one simply ends up saying nothing about how one truly feels and then wonders why one is miserable and resentful.’
Lucy sniffed and fidgeted.
Valerie looked at her.
‘You know darling, your biggest problem has always been that you sit back and wait for life to happen to you.’
Lucy’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.
‘I don’t do that…I—’ Lucy hesitated. ‘Some people think life brings us what we need,’ she mumbled, remembering some affirmative quote she’d recently seen on Instagram.
‘Darling, there’s allowing things to unfold, and there’s being scared to take part.’
Valerie’s eyes pierced into her. Lucy’s mouth worked up and down like a guppy, but no words came out.
‘I remember when you were young, and there was a drawing competition to see who would help design the new school logo.’ Lucy had forgotten all about this. ‘You wanted to enter so badly,’ Valerie said, her eyes shining. ‘You did so many different designs. And in the end, you threw them all in the bin.’
‘But,’ Lucy was confused, ‘I won that competition.’
‘Yes,’ Valerie sniffed, blinking rapidly, ‘you did. Because I fished your drawings out of the bin and got Heather to hand them in for you. You wouldn’t push yourself forward for fear of not getting what you wanted.’
‘I don’t remember that,’ Lucy mumbled.
‘And you still wait to be pushed as an adult.’
Lucy’s mouth fell open. ‘I…I don’t! What?’
‘Like your little job,’ Valerie continued. ‘Your friend, Katie––
‘Cassie,’ Lucy interjected.
‘Yes, all right, Cassie told you about that job when it was just a short-term contract. And she put in a word for you with the manager and then, one quick chat later,’ Valerie clapped her hands, ‘it’s yours.’
Lucy started to protest, but her mother raised her hand.
‘And then they made it a permanent post. So you carried on with it, and I am sure you are jolly good at it and are handling all those old volunteers wonderfully.’ Lucy let it pass. ‘But it came to you. It fell into your lap.’
‘Sometimes nice things happen to nice people,’ Lucy sniffed.
‘Yes, and sometimes,’ Valerie patted Lucy’s hand smartly, ‘sometimes you need to decide exactly what you want and make it happen for yourself. Because if you don’t really play, you can’t win. That’s the difference between you, Heather and Ollie. They wade in and go after exactly what they want, and you shy away.’
Lucy was speechless.
Valerie took her hand and faced her daughter. Her eyes were moist, and she blinked rapidly.
‘Darling, I can’t pretend to understand you.’
Lucy’s heart fell to her belly, and her chin wobbled. Valerie smoothed a tendril of hair away from Lucy’s eyes.
‘You’ve always been a bit of a mystery to me. But I don’t need to understand you to love you. I—’ Her voice faltered, and she swallowed. ‘You’re my darling girl.’
Lucy couldn’t speak. There was too much to say. She gripped her mother’s hand and Valerie pressed their clasped hands to her breast and covered Lucy’s hand with her own. They sat like that for a while. Lucy could feel tears running down her cheeks.
‘I love you, mum.’
Valerie tipped her head to the side until their heads touched gently. Lucy could feel her mother quivering beside her. In a soft voice, Valerie said, ‘Yes, well…I love you too.’ She squeezed Lucy’s hand once more, then stood, brushed off her skirt and dabbed at her eyes with her napkin. ‘Now, please, tidy yourself up, and let’s have no more scenes.’
Lucy giggled snottily and wiped her nose.
‘If you’ll excuse me, I need to say goodbye to our happy couple.’ Valerie tripped off in her high heels, mistress of ceremonies once more. Kathleen was talking with James, and Lucy heard her mother exclaim, ‘What an interesting dress, Kathleen!’ as she barreled into the conversation.
Lucy sat still on the bench, the hubbub of voices in the background.
Ollie bounded over, Sophie hurrying behind him.
‘Sis, we’re going now.’ He pulled her up and wrapped her in a bear hug. ‘Thank you so much for sharing this weekend with us.’ He gave her a noisy kiss on the cheek. ‘We’ll see you soon.’
Sophie took Lucy’s hands in hers and stared solemnly into her eyes.
‘You and Jack will work this out,’ she said. ‘You’re great together.’
Lucy squeezed Sophie’s fingers, and it was all she could do to make a mmhmm noise. Sophie squeezed her tight, and then they were in the car and off, pulling down the driveway, hands sticking out of the windows, still waving as the car disappeared around the corner.
Lucy waved back until the car disappeared around a bend, and then her arm dropped heavily to her side. Her whole body felt exhausted. She wondered if she could even move her legs anymore and lifted one leaden foot to check. She stood still, the sun beaming down on her.
Most wedding guests had gone now or were piling luggage and children into their cars. The marquee was being emptied of chairs. New guests were arriving. The bubble of the wedding weekend had well and truly burst. Lucy smoothed down her dress and tramped across the lawn towards her car.
Across the car park, she saw Suzy gliding down the steps on the arm of a handsome man. They were leaning into one another, deep in conversation. Lucy watched from a distance as he held the car door open for her, then leaned in to kiss her before closing the door. The wonderful Ben, she presumed. Lucy regretted all her hasty assumptions about Jack and Suzy, but it was too late now in any case.
Fishing in her pocket for car keys, she glanced up and saw Chris walking out of the hotel. She looked around for a handy tree to throw herself behind, but there was nothing in sight.
Spotting her, Chris paused on the steps. Lucy froze, her hand stuck in her pocket. Lifting his hand in greeting, he started walking across the gravel drive towards her, long legs making short work of the distance. Lucy dug the car keys into her palm. As he drew close, she could see his tousled blonde hair was still damp from the shower, his white linen shirt bright against his tanned skin. Lucy tried to pat down her hair and prayed her face wasn’t too blotchy from crying.
‘Hi,’ he said, stopping in front of her.
‘Hello.’
She squirmed on the spot and wished some other departing guest would interrupt to say goodbye and rescue her from mortification.
‘Ollie and Sophie seemed on good form today,’ he said, smiling down at her.
‘Yes,’ Lucy managed, digging her toes into the sharp gravel.
‘How are you?’
‘Erm…I’m fine, thanks…’ Lucy wished a sinkhole would open up and swallow her. ‘Um, how are you?’
In response, Chris offered his hand. Lucy reached out to take it, struggling to meet his gaze.
‘I was sorry to learn you had a boyfriend,’ Chris murmured, as he took her hand, his grip warm and firm. His mouth twisted into a wry grin. ‘Quite a way to find out…’
Lucy’s face flamed as she remembered the night before. What must Chris think of her, cosying up to him the moment her boyfriend stepped away.
‘I’m sorry, I….’
She faltered. Chris waited, but she couldn’t think of anything else to say. How would she begin?
The thing is Chris, it’s actually a funny story… Jack isn’t really my boyfriend and what you saw might have looked real but it was all a lie, even though there were moments it seemed very real. But hey ho, seems I am in fact a free agent so maybe a drink sometime?
Chris kissed her lightly on the cheek.
‘It was nice to meet you, Lucy Ollie’s sister.’
He smiled, dropped her hand and strolled back across the gravel driveway. She watched as he disappeared around a corner and out of sight.