Chapter Ashleigh Brett and Remy Hughes 2012 Aged 50 #6
‘I am! I told you I am. You made me the golden girl, and I’ve had to live up to that.
What you did, it’s dictated so much of my life, trying to prove that I was worth that place, trying to live up to the person Mum and Dad thought I’d be once I’d been through the system at St. Jude’s, trying to please everyone, trying to be tough, trying to make money, trying to win! ’
‘Win what?’ Remy’s expression told her that she just didn’t get it.
‘Approval! Affection! First place! A successful husband! A big house! A fast car! You fucking name it!’
‘I thought I did a good thing, I thought you wanted that place – needed it – and I didn’t give a shit where I went to school, not really. I was happy to stay with Tony, so it made sense to do it and hand it to you.’
‘Hand it to me! You just don’t get it, do you?
’ It was in the moment impossible to pack the words away, to stop spewing truth at her sister.
‘I’m a fucking fraud, and I’ve been a fucking fraud since I was ten years old.
Bogged down by the secrets I carry, and it’s been hard lugging that much weight.
It meant I never felt like I’d earned my place at the table, like I’d got there through duplicitous means, not just at St. Jude’s, but everything that came after – university, landing a man like Archie, all of it!
I had to try really hard, every single day, to be good enough.
But I never was. I never could be! No wonder Archie chose Leni.
Because I don’t deserve any of it, do I, Remy?
Not the house, the job, my marriage, my kid, none of it! ’
Remy stood now and stared at her, her face ashen, eyes close to tears, nose running, mouth twisted, voice hoarse with all it tried to contain. ‘Are you saying you blame me for every single thing that you have fucked up in your life because I did something with love that I thought was a good thing?’
‘I don’t know what I’m saying.’ Ashleigh thought she might throw up, as drinking wine on an empty stomach caught up with her.
There was a beat of silence as they mentally regrouped.
‘I thought – I thought I was doing a wonderful thing, a kind thing.’ Remy now sobbed, her voice quieter now. ‘We were just the littlest doves.’
‘We were, the tiniest doves, but it messed me up, Rem. I’ve spent my whole life trying to be as good as you, as brave as you, to be more like you in every way.’ She took a deep breath.
‘That’s . . . that’s insane!’ Remy cried and wiped her face on her sleeve.
‘It’s not though. It’s the truth, and the worst thing, the very worst thing, is that for years, for nearly all of my life, I’ve been lying to Mum and Dad, so scared they might find out.
’ Her tears came hard then, as she remembered what her dad had said to her earlier.
‘And when I told you, all those years ago, that it might be a good idea to tell them, you said I couldn’t! ’
‘I did not!’ Her voice squeaked with indignation.
‘You did, Remy! You told me not to say anything.’
‘I don’t . . . remember saying that. I remember saying we should be cautious, and I told you what that might mean for me, but I never said you cannot!’
‘But it’s true, whatever way you split hairs, you did!
And I felt I couldn’t say a word, aware of what it would cost you, cost me, but it’s changed my whole life.
What you did changed my whole life, gave me a different life to the one I maybe should have had.
I lost my foundation, my honesty, my authenticity.
You took it from me.’ She had thought often about how it might feel to say it all, to get it all out into the open.
It had, in her mind, felt a lot better than this.
‘Well, Ashleigh, the good news is I can fix it right now. I can fix it all! Because I can’t have this conversation with you again. I can’t live with it hanging over me, not anymore!’
She watched as her sister stood, raced across the patio, and threw open the back door. Ashleigh followed her, watching as Remy walked into the lounge, and began clapping loudly. ‘Everyone!’ her sister called. ‘Everybody, listen up!’
‘Remy!’ she shouted, wanting to stop this any way she could. ‘Remy, no!’
‘Shut up, Ashleigh!’
All present stared at them both. Ashleigh felt her face flush red.
‘I have an announcement.’
‘Remy!’ she shouted again, as Midge, Sophie, Bertie, Tony, her mum and all the assembled looked from Remy to her and back again; it was excruciating to be under the microscope.
It was, however, too late for Ashleigh to stop her, as her sister did something that was crazy, stupid and risky, speaking quickly and loudly.
Very loudly, as her hideous, sparkly sunglasses rested on her head.
‘I would like to tell you all something that I probably should have said a long time ago. I owe it to my sister, to my parents, my husband, all of you, and it’s this.
’ She paused, swaying slightly. ‘It was me that took the exam for St. Jude’s Academy.
Me pretending to be Ashleigh, me that passed with flying colours, me that actually won the place and the full scholarship, and it was Ashleigh who hid in the mower shed, wetting her pants about it!
And she’s still wetting her pants about it, and so that’s why I need to tell you all, to make it stop.
To make it all just . . . fucking stop.’
Remy
As her arms fell to her sides, Remy was aware of the room spinning and that her speech had been hastily and carelessly delivered.
She’d thought about this moment, of course she had, imagined the after-effects of words that slid over her tongue and out into the world in an impetuous moment!
Would she feel relief, freedom from the burden, finally erasing her sister’s icy glares, subtle gestures, and suggested negative outcomes, forever?
It was nothing like she had imagined. Instead it was like standing in a blast zone, feeling the full force of detonation, and about as scary.
She waited for the relief to kick in. It didn’t.
The moment Remy stopped speaking, she placed her hand over her mouth, instantly regretting every single word, as her tears sprang and ran over her clenched knuckles.
The room seemed to grow smaller as there was a collective gasp.
Her mother stared at them, her face pale.
Midge seemed to study her, looking more than a little perplexed, and Sophie grabbed Elio, who leaned back against his mother’s legs.
She had half suspected that Ashleigh might come and stand by her side, take her hand, and explain how that long-ago day had unfurled, how Remy had found her in the cubicle, crying .
. . but that was not what happened. Instead, Ashleigh raced out of the house, leaving her quite alone to deal with the fallout.
Her heart sank. Where was she going? It was dark outside, and it was their birthday!
One thing was, however, crystal clear and would be preserved in her memory for always: the way Midge now looked at her.
It was a look she’d hoped never to receive from him, something close to disappointment, and a knife to her heart.
It weakened her, made her feel vulnerable, and for a split second she remembered what it had felt like to sit on the damp cobbled floor wrapped in his coat, with blood in her mouth, one eye closed, as the blue light coloured the air and they wheeled her broken friend into the back of the ambulance.
Or to sit in Jamie Aller’s shitty flat and wait for him to come home, while baby Sophie slept and she tried to stop trembling, feeling as if she could quite easily fall right through the floor.
‘Is this some kind of joke?’ Her mother was the first to speak.
‘No, Mum. I took the exam.’ Calmer now, having hurled the verbal boulder, she saw how her parents stared at each other.
‘But . . .’ Her dad’s eyes narrowed, head shaking, as if he couldn’t find the words.
Tony walked to Raul and leaned on him, as if he were his safe place, and she more than understood.
‘Are you kidding me?’ Midge muttered as he made his way past her, up the stairs and away from the party.
‘Wait, Midge . . .’ She called after him, wanting him to hold her tight and tell her it was all going to be okay, because she had been ten, a baby, and it was a long, long time ago.
‘We’d, erm, we’d better be getting back to Mum’s.’ Tony looked a little flustered. ‘It’s been a long day, long journey and . . .’ Even he ran out of words as he wrapped her in a hug and kissed the top of her head. ‘See you tomorrow, darling.’
Raul squeezed her hand as the two made their way out of the front door. It wasn’t quite the end to the party she had envisaged.
Sophie picked up Elio as Riccardo packed away the baby things.
‘We’d better make a move too, Mum. You’ve got a lot going on.’ Her oldest daughter seemed keen to get away. ‘Thank you for a lovely party, and happy birthday.’ Sophie kissed her cheek, and she held her hand briefly as they left.
Harper was nowhere to be seen, which wasn’t a surprise.
Bertie and Evie disappeared upstairs, and she was left with her parents, who sat clearly stunned by her revelation.
‘All that time.’ Her mum shook her head, as if the fact just wouldn’t land.
‘Why didn’t you say anything?’ her dad asked, softly.
‘I honestly didn’t think it was important, Dad.
Didn’t think it mattered, not for the longest time, and by the time I understood that it might matter, years had passed, and I didn’t know how to tell you.
I was worried about what it might mean for Ashleigh, worried about what you’d think of me, and I didn’t want to tell you!
Didn’t want it mentioned, not ever. I thought it was between us and that we’d got away with it and that we’d never talk about it and that would be that.
’ She decided it was the time for complete honesty.
‘You’ve made us look so stupid.’ Her mum sniffed.
‘I haven’t! I didn’t mean . . .’