Chapter Twenty-one #2
We stared at one another for a long time, both very obviously thinking actually, yes it kind of was, although neither of us said it out loud. Dad finally shook his head. “I know you don’t believe this, but she loved you very much.”
“Oh, I know. She did her best. I wasn’t so easy on her.”
“You were the easiest kid.”
“I’m not such an easy adult.”
“She needed to hear the things you said. We all did.”
“Well, that’s good, because I’m not going to stop just because she’s dead.” I winced once the words had left my mouth. Too soon?
To my surprise, Dad laughed, just a little. “Good.”
Jeremiah let out a gigantic fart. “I see he takes after Kevin.” I rubbed his back again and got back up off the pew.
“You don’t know Missy very well. I like her, Sam.”
“Missy?”
“Lisa. I like her.”
I grinned. “Me too. Are you coming back to the party?”
He smirked and looked away for a moment, letting me know he appreciated my sarcasm. “In a minute. I just need to get my head together.”
“Buy you a drink tonight.”
“I’ll buy you a drink whenever we get out of here.”
“Love you, Dad,” should have come out of my mouth.
There was nothing else to say, and I should have said it, but we didn’t do that in my family.
I didn’t remember ever saying that to either of my parents or my brother.
I should have said it then, but instead, I walked slowly back up to the vestibule, trying not to wake the baby.
That evening, Dad and Lisa and I went over to Kevin’s house and went through a bottle of whiskey with him and Missy.
We started by talking about the kids and about our jobs and about where Lisa had grown up, but before long, we were telling the remember-when stories.
All the ridiculous memories of growing up in our family.
Vacations to Disney World and the St. Louis Arch and Washington, DC.
Sunburns and bee stings and lost car keys and tantrums, both from children and grownups.
Lisa and Missy had been drinking fairly lightly compared to the other three of us, but even they were giggling.
Dad finally nodded at Lisa. “Has she told you about her grandmother?”
Lisa glanced at me, but I was the one who answered. “The one who would be so ashamed?”
“See, that’s wrong,” Kevin said. “So wrong. Sam was her favorite.”
“She was a badass,” I said.
“I’ve heard some things,” Lisa said. “This is your mother?”
Dad nodded. “She was the only grandparent they really knew. Helen’s father worked in the coal mine and died early in an accident and her mother developed Alzheimer’s. My father had a heart attack when…Kevin, you must have been about six, right?”
Kevin nodded. “Grandma taught high school.”
“That’s amazing,” Lisa said. “She must’ve been a strong woman.”
“You didn’t mess with her,” Dad said, then thought for a moment. “She and your mother never did see eye to eye.”
Kevin and I exchanged a look. “Really? I had no idea.”
Dad swirled his whiskey slowly. “Grandma didn’t like how Mom used the church as an excuse for being tough on you two. She didn’t agree with her politically either. Mom thought Grandma was too lenient with you and hated leaving you two with her in Minnesota.”
Kevin shook his head. “You never would have known.”
“Well, I knew about the politics,” I said.
“They held it together for the rest of us,” Dad said. “I really appreciated that. Your mother was different when we were younger.”
Kevin and I were quiet, but I could tell he was as desperate as I was to hear what came next. Missy jumped in. “How so?”
“She was kind of a wild woman when we first met,” Dad said. “She pissed her parents off by running around with a soldier.”
“She was seventeen when they met,” I told Lisa.
“Now, I wasn’t much older,” Dad assured her. “We had all kinds of adventures for the first couple years, but as soon as you kids came along, she buckled down and did what she thought she needed to do in order to raise you well. She tried.”
“I know,” I said. “She wasn’t a bad person, Dad.” When he nodded, mostly buried in his drink, I looked over to Kevin and Missy. “Be gentle around Asher for a while. I’m not going to repeat what he said, but he isn’t sure how to feel.”
Missy nodded. “I was wondering what you two were talking about the other day.”
I shrugged. “Nothing. Just be patient with him.”
“Do you think we made a mistake in bringing him to the service?” Kevin asked. “I mean, he’s twelve.”
Lisa and I shook our heads at the same time. “He needed to be there,” I said. “I needed to be at Grandma’s funeral. I was twelve.”
“He’s a smart kid,” Lisa said. “I mean, so are the others, but you can see he’s going to be a very thoughtful and sensitive person.”
“I love him to death,” Missy said. “He’s very introspective, very sweet. Everything Seth is not.”
Kevin nudged her and they both laughed.
“And look out for the girls. You’re going to have your hands full in a few years.”
We left around ten. We’d laughed until our sides hurt and cried until we couldn’t breathe, and Missy only had to get up once to put Rachel back to bed. When we got home, I made sure Dad was okay, told him to drink some water, and closed into my room with Lisa.
“Wow, what a day.” I accepted Lisa’s hug, but kicked off my shoes at the same time. “What a fucking day.”
“I like your family a lot.”
“We’re very different without her.”
“I suspect you were wonderful even when she was here.”
Since Dad wasn’t about to barge in, we lay naked under the covers, holding one another silently for a long time. I was still spinning a little from the alcohol, and it felt nice to finally be alone with Lisa. “Thank you for coming.”
“I’m glad I’m here. It was important.”
“There are going to be so many more important things.”
Lisa grinned, probably because I was drunk and gushy. “Like what?”
“Vacations and best teacher in the world awards and when the kids get married—”
“Asher to a boy.”
“Asher to a boy.”
“And books. Lots more books.”
I nodded, burying my face in her shoulder. “I think I miss her but I don’t know why.”
“It’s okay. That makes sense. There’s plenty of time to unpack that.”
“I never told her I loved her.”
“Never?”
“I mean, maybe when I was so little I don’t remember it. We never say it in my family.”
“I think your dad would appreciate it.”
I nodded. “I just don’t know how.”
“Have you ever said it to someone else?”
“Yeah, but I was wrong.”
“Me too.”
“I’ve thought it about you,” I blurted. “But it felt too soon.”
“Fuck, Sam, we’re lesbians. I should have showed up at your house with a U-Haul two months ago.” Then, she gave my forehead a kiss and held me tighter. “Me, too.”