9. Aidan #4
I opened my mouth, and Mika gave a pained noise, hanging his head. “I’m sorry.”
My mouth closed, and I hesitated. “For what?”
“I’ve never apologized for how I ended things back then,” he said, looking up at me with a sorrowful expression. “And before you say it, I know I technically said it when we first tried to make nice with each other, but…it’s not the same as meaning it.”
I froze. “You…didn’t mean it?”
He blinked rapidly. “I…wait, hold on, let me try that again. I meant it when I said it, but it also feels like I was saying it because it was the right thing to say. I knew what I’d done was wrong, but it was like—”
My admission died in my throat as I stayed there, letting him find the words he needed to say. He had let me say my piece last night, and despite feeling like I needed to come clean, it wasn’t my place to interrupt him.
“It was like I wanted to move on from the past, like I didn’t want to be stuck in that…
who I was back then, and how it was affecting us now.
That’s not the same as being sorry for what I did,” he said with a heavy sigh.
“I keep making the same mistake repeatedly, no matter how much I think I’ve moved on, no matter how much I think I’ve grown.
Just like I all but turned Reno away years ago because I was so desperate to escape my childhood, so I gave you the words I was supposed to say without meaning them because I didn’t want to be the person I was when you and I were together. ”
I understood. “Sometimes…sometimes the past isn’t that easy to escape. We can’t be blamed just because we found our way back to familiar paths, Mika.”
He rolled his eyes. “It’s one thing to trip over an old habit; it’s another thing to keep doing it. I keep…trying to escape these old versions of myself, but instead of doing it right, it’s as if I believe I can leave them behind like old toys at the side of the road.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I kept my silence and let him work through things, the urgency of my words dwindling until it was nothing but dust. I could see he was frustrated, unhappy, that he was disgusted with himself. I also knew I couldn’t and shouldn’t stop him, because he needed to speak.
“And I can’t keep doing that,” he said, bowing his head.
“I’m sorry…I’m sorry I left like that. And I wish I had some great, amazing, or even terrible thing I could tell you that drove me away, but…
I don’t. I knew our relationship was going nowhere, but I lacked the courage to say it to your face.
I told myself it was because you wouldn’t handle it well, that your temper would get the better of you, and that I didn’t want to get guilted because my needs and wants weren’t being fulfilled, but… I didn’t. I ran away.”
I sucked in a breath and nodded. “Okay.”
“No, I did,” he said quickly, reaching for me and stopping.
“I couldn’t face you; I couldn’t tell you the truth, the same damn thing I had accused you of doing, and I was doing it myself.
I knew your schedule and your habits, and I knew you probably wouldn’t stay too long and would move on if I avoided you.
And what’s worse, right before I think you left… I saw you.”
That was news to me. “You did?”
Mika nodded, looking miserable. “You were hanging out with someone, the two of you were just sitting outside and drinking coffee, talking. You looked so…happy, like you didn’t have a care in the world, and I was ready to convince myself you were happy not to have me.
Like me leaving you was the best thing in the world.
Then, before I could convince myself and leave, she got up and went inside.
You took out your phone and I remember my phone going off and then you just…
stared at the screen. You looked so lost and so heartbroken and—”
“Mika,” I said softly as he stopped, taking a deep breath and shaking his head.
“And then you heard her come back, and it was like…you were happy and bright and all was right with the world,” he said miserably.
“I knew then I had been lying to myself. Worse, that act was the best one I had ever seen, and I realized I had either taught you how to hide your feelings perfectly or…or brought back an old habit of yours. And I still left, and I never saw you again until weeks ago. And God, you were so angry, so furious, trying so hard to make a good impression and yet struggling not to strangle me on the spot. And I realized…you were still hurt.”
“I was,” I said, sensing we were coming to the end and letting him finish.
“And then I avoided you because I was the one feeling shitty, I was the one feeling guilty and ashamed. And once again, I thought I could leave an old version of myself behind and just move on. Give you the words I know you needed to hear, the ones needed for us to move on. So I could be the person I thought I was, not the person I knew I had been,” he said, hanging his head again.
“I’m sorry, Aidan. You deserved better. Even if that moment hadn’t brought us to this point, I should have done better by you. I should have…I’m sorry.”
I opened my mouth, and then he blurted out in misery, “And now my brother won’t fucking tell me what’s wrong with him and what if that’s because he can’t help but remember the time I locked him out of my life? What if he…can’t forgive me?”
I leaned forward and kissed him, ignoring the way he jerked back in surprise and holding onto him.
When he finally settled, I broke the kiss, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze to show I was still there.
“You and me…we’re figuring things out. I’m not saying that to make you feel better, or not just to make you feel better, but because it’s true. ”
He swallowed thickly. “Yeah.”
“We are,” I assured him, leaning down to make sure he was looking me in the eye.
“We’re not going to figure it out overnight, or next week, or even next month.
You’re still going to be upset with me for what I did to you, and the same goes for me.
I’m still going to feel guilty and ashamed of how I wronged you, and you’re going to feel the same way for the things you did wrong.
But we can’t constantly beat ourselves up either.
There has to be a point where we can look at those feelings and say, ‘Yeah, you still exist, but you don’t control my life.
’ We’re never going to be anything but miserable piles of humanity if we do that. ”
“True,” he said in a thick voice, but his smile was genuine. “Christ, sorry, I’m being—”
“Don’t say dramatic,” I cut him off. “You sound like me when you do that. And Reno? I wouldn’t worry about him too much.”
“He’s my brother,” he said in annoyance, which I took as a good sign. “A pain in the ass, but he’s my brother. And something is happening, I know it.”
“And you’re not going to hear me argue,” I said, giving his hands a squeeze.
“But maybe…just maybe, it’s a good idea to let him sort through the things he’s got going on right now and worry about your own problems, eh?
He seems not to be worrying about you like you’ve hinted at him doing before, so maybe he’s letting you do your thing while he’s doing his. ”
He eyed me suspiciously. “Do you know something?”
“I have a suspicion,” I said slowly. “But I’ll only tell you on one condition.”
“What’s that?” he asked warily.
I grinned. “Take a shower with me, but I get to soap you up.”
His eyes went wide. “Are you ready to go again after that?”
“I’m ready to get ready to go again. I’m thinking…
a free day with you where we can taunt and tease until we take it out on each other.
I’m thinking my ass this time,” I chuckled, kissing him.
“Because even with all the complications and feelings we still have to sort through, I want to be here…with you.”
He sighed. “Well, when you put it like that…it’s hard to say no.”
“Then don’t,” I chuckled.
“And I won’t,” he said as he stood up. “C’mon.”
And so we went, naked and not caring because we were happy, and I was able to shove away the squirming guilt of my sins for the moment. I would talk to him and tell him the truth soon.
Until then, I just wanted to be happy.