27. Georgie
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
GEORGIE
Life has a funny way of showing you how resilient you can be.
It gives you ups and downs and no instructions on how best to navigate them.
The way up days feel like nothing could tear you down.
You can do no wrong, everything works in your favour and it's blissful and it's perfect.
You never want that feeling to end. It also gives you the regular up days that feel like this is exactly how life is supposed to be.
It feels good to not be down, and it's often taken for granted.
Life can give you all these good days in a row.
It lets you get comfortable. It lets you think you are invincible.
Like nothing can touch you, nothing can bring you down from this moment, and then?
Life happens to take a turn, and it sends you crashing to the ground.
There's no safety net; there's nothing to catch you at the bottom.
Solid ground beneath you, hurtling closer and closer until you make impact.
The only thing you can hope for is that the fall is quick and painless, and you're able to get back up again once you land.
I feel like I am right in the middle of this.
So many good days, normal days that feel so right, that I start to psych myself out.
I know the routine, the pattern, the inevitable bad that follows all this good.
It looms and it grows. I can see it just on the horizon, just waiting for the moment that it takes over.
It's an anxious, ominous feeling that I try to calm as best I can.
Noah just happens to be a very, very good distraction that helps me try to forget.
I feel like I can't have enough of him. His touch sends my body into a frenzy, his eyes light up when he sees me, and I have to wonder if he feels as amazing as I do whenever I am with him.
I have to remind myself that he is smart and confident and sure in what he wants.
If he chooses to spend his free time with me instead of returning to his apartment or spending time with people who are not me, then clearly, he wants to be here and maybe that has to do with how he feels for me. Right?
Every time I think this is as good as it can get, this is as much as I can take before the pressure becomes too much before it tick, tick, booms into something I am not ready to let him know.
Not yet. They always say in romance movies that the 'I love you' is the ruiner of the best relationships.
'I love you' changes everything. It turns a simple look of desire into one of longing and wanting for a future that isn't guaranteed, especially if the person doesn't love you back.
And the thing is, I don't want anything to change.
I still want Noah to look at me like he's taking in the most beautiful sunset he's ever seen.
I still want his fingers bruising my skin as he struggles to pull me impossibly closer.
I still want the sound of my name like a prayer on his lips, his want and desire to be for me and only me.
I still want the sweet morning kisses, the soft caresses of his fingers tracing my bare back in the wee hours of the morning, when he lets me sleep as long as he possibly can before we have to put on our big kid clothes and become a part of society, existing merely in body because our minds are back here, curled up in the sheets of the bed, our safe space that is only ours that we never wanted to leave in the first place.
These moments are also too much, they make me want to scream those three words from the rooftop and yet I have not once allowed myself to say them out loud.
If I do, I know that it's only a matter of time before the universe hears me and sends something my way to dismantle the happiness we've created.
“What do you mean her sprinkle is in a week, and you haven’t planned it yet?” Franny interrupts.
Noah rubs the back of his neck sheepishly, “Go easy on me, Fran. I’m a very busy man and I haven’t got all day—”
“Did you seriously just misquote the Little Mermaid to defend the fact that you’re failing your only sister by not planning her very first baby shower because you’re sexing it up with my best friend?”
“Have mercy.” He grins.
Franny glares at him, wiggling a finger. “No. None for you. Now, show me what you’ve got started, and we’ll see how well we can turn this around.”
I never imagined my life ending up like this, but I can truly say that this is one of the moments that I will miss when that looming grey cloud of bullshit starts raining down on the parade.
I know it's a backwards way of thinking, but if you go into life expecting perfection, you should expect to be disappointed.
If you live life with low expectations, you may be pleasantly surprised by the outcome if the anticipated disappointment doesn't happen.
I watch and listen as Noah and Franny still bicker over the Baby Sprinkle Noah has been delegated to plan as her only sibling. He's handed her his iPad, and she’s scrolling through his list of things to do for the party.
I can imagine it now…
To Do List for Baby Sprinkle (wtf is a sprinkle)
1. Find out wtf a Sprinkle is
2. Learn how to plan one
3. Plan one
4. Host one for Sienna
If all else fails:
Ask Franny.
Clearly, he had exhausted all options, and now, his last resort is consulting Franny to plan his sister’s party.
It brings me back to the elevator conversation when Noah told me about Sienna’s pregnancy and having to plan this event.
It seemed like so long ago now, and part of me wishes I could forget the elevator completely, but to forget the situation is to forget how Noah and I met, and I would never want to forget that.
Franny shakes her head in disapproval and scoffs, “This is…”
“Pitiful, an absolute disgrace, I am an idiot sandwich. But Franny, if you don’t at least show me the bare bones of what I need to do, Sienna’s not going to have a party and I will go down in history as the worst brother ever.
So please, help?” Noah gives her a pleading look, and just like how he charms me with a single look, she must find it impossible to say no to him.
Franny looks up at me, where I’ve leaned on the back of the chair to listen in to their conversation.
She gives me a small smile and then looks back to Noah.
“Fine, I will help you. But only because your sister sounds sweet, and she sent me cookies and because it’s her first baby.
It’s not for you. Now, let’s talk about the theme. ”
I excuse myself as the two of them start to work out the details of the party, and I distract myself with dishes, tuning in every so often to hear Franny affectionately tell Noah he’s ‘got the planning abilities of a wet noodle’.
Humming as I work, I start to swish my hips and dance to the song in my head.
No matter how hard I try, I can’t place the song I’m singing.
It’s the worst. Glancing over my shoulder, I see my little shadow watching me closely from the door.
Noah trained her almost too well and she takes her job very seriously.
It’s precious, and I can’t wait to make her officially mine.
I’ve put in my formal application for her adoption, but Noah doesn’t know that yet.
I plan to tell him when it’s finalized, if I get selected.
I don’t want to tell him ahead of time and break his heart if it doesn’t go through.
His optimism and bright outlook on life and his never shaken ‘treat people with kindness’ attitude are just a few of the many reasons why I love him.
The breath catches at the back of my throat, I have to remind myself to breathe again before they notice and ask questions.
Had you told me that just a few months ago I would admit or be able to even acknowledge the feelings I have for Noah are actual feelings, I’d laugh it off and tell you you’re lying.
I haven’t been in love in so long I almost forgot what it felt like. But how could I not love him?
How could I not feel something for the man who was there for me in the most traumatic experience of my life to date?
How could I not fall when I saw this man give his time and energy, and every ounce of his heart and soul to ensure every dog at PPP has a place to call home and a loving family to call their own?
How could I not want him when he trained my foster dog to take care of me when he can’t be there and I can't take care of myself? When he is so effortlessly perfect, I couldn't imagine ever knowing a part of Noah that could be considered bad, no matter how hard I try to find something that makes him seem normal, imperfect in some way? It’s absolutely terrifying to fall so quickly, so wholeheartedly, and to not know if he feels or ever will feel the same. Because this isn’t a game, if something were to go wrong now, it's not only my heart, or Noah's heart that gets broken.
Birdie is just as big a part of all this.
My phone buzzes on the nearby counter, so I dry my hands on the kitchen towel and tap to see who it is calling me.
My doctor’s office flashes across my screen, and though I am tempted to just ignore the call, I can’t deny that there’s a part of me that knows why they’re calling.
The other part of me can't help but feel the pressure building in my chest, the trouble breathing that can only tell me that this is going to make me feel how I always feel in relation to doctors, that this is the moment the dark clouds draw a little closer to striking and overtaking everything good.
“Hello?” I answer the call.
“Is this Georgia Wright?”
“Yes.” I respond, leaning against the counter. I watch Franny and Noah whispering about something, too focused in their own little world.
“This is Dr. Harris’ office returning your call. Are you free to chat?”
“I am.”