Chapter 28
Cordelia
Deciding is one thing but actually doing it is hard, especially when preorders have gone through the roof, reaching numbers that have me staring at the screen, wondering if I need glasses. My finger hovers over the unpublish button, but I hesitate.
What if they leave anyway? What if it doesn’t work out? If it were just me, it wouldn’t matter so much, but it’s Gale.
I pace my room, then close the laptop without unpublishing the preorder. I go out and find Gale waiting for me. It helps.
We go through our morning ritual. I clean up his stall, make him all pretty while he lips at my clothes. I change his food, check the water, then on a whim, I get a saddle on him.
He prances sideways happily as I lead him out of the stable and open the gate. I pull myself up into the saddle and press my heels to his sides.
“Get us out of here, Gale.”
He takes off, and we head up the back of my house, cutting onto the trail that we always travel on. The magpies sing, the sounds of the bush are loud, and everything is a million miles away.
It’s just me and him.
I lean forward and pat his neck as he slows to a walk.
“You know, I know you love them. And we’d be staying here. So, you’d be happy. I’m just not sure what to do. That pen name is me. It’s my soul, Gale. I put everything into it. It’s the bridge, my dreams. How can I just close it down and give it up?”
Gale snorts.
He turns, taking us into town. Cars drive past us, but he doesn’t flinch. He gets onto the sand, and his steps become lighter. I take my feet out of the stirrups and lie back, staring up at the mass of grey clouds that is rolling and bubbling.
Gale takes us down to the water, and I sit up and lean over him.
“Ready, Gale?”
He snorts and half-rears.
“Okay, baby, go for it.”
He explodes into motion, his mane and tail flying. I lean over him, the cold wind biting into my skin, his powerful body moving under mine; I could almost be flying. All he’d need to do is leap, and I’m sure he’d sprout wings, and we’d be gone.
When we’re together like this, it feels like we’re one being. Like he’s me, and I’m him. He huffs and slows down, bucking slightly and spinning in a circle before he takes off back the way we came.
I hold on, throwing my head back, laughing.
He slows to a walk, and we amble our way back home. I strip him down, brush the salt and dirt out of his coat and make him beautiful again, and he goes contentedly into the paddock, happily munching on grass.
I lean on the fence, watching him for a long time, thinking about nothing but how much I love this horse.
“Hey, baby, I thought I’d find you out here.”
I turn and find Mum, she holds out a mug and my phone.
I take the drink gratefully, but look at my phone as if it’s a snake.
“Those boys called and called and called. They’d like to take you on a date.”
“A date? But it’s not a Light Knot Night date-”
“No, they want to take you on a real date by the sounds of it.”
Mum hesitates.
“What is it?”
“How do you know there’s something?” mum says with a laugh and leads me into the house.
“Because I know you.”
She curls up on the couch, pulling her feet under her. “Fine. Lynn Marino is trending.”
I groan and sit down, putting my head in my hands.
“And I may have shown them.”
“MUM!”
“Well, I need to know what they are going to do. And they just…”
She stops talking and gets this smug little smile. She rests her chin on her knees and makes a happy humming sound.
“They what?”
“They didn’t care. They were more worried about seeing you. That’s all they wanted. You, not her.”
“We’re the same person,” I protest.
“No, you aren’t. Your pen name isn’t you, darling. It’s your job.”
I stare at her. “It’s not just my job,” I whisper in denial.
“It is, though. It's work. It’s something you could put away and walk away from. It's not your everything.”
I stare at her, wishing I could explain.
It’s not like flower dyeing or the waltz lessons, or basket weaving.
This is my heart on a plate. It’s a whole chunk of me that no one has ever seen.
The mail from readers has touched me in ways I have never been touched.
The stories have challenged me. It’s something I built from nothing.
Lynn Marino is me. But Mum's right, too. She’s not all of me. She’s just a big chunk that I am so proud of. I don’t want to close the book on her. I don’t want to say goodbye.
But I’ll do it.
So I can be with them.
“They didn’t care about her?”
“No, they are choosing to be with you. To focus on you. At least for today, it was promising.”
I stare at her.
“Well.”
“Well, what?” I say in confusion.
“Don’t you want to go get ready?”
I gasp. Yes, I smell like Gale. Shower. Makeup. Something pretty. Ugh, I need to shave!
“When are they coming over?”
“I will delay them. You just go and get ready. Take your time. I have some mama bear questions for them.”
I pause, twirling around. “No. Don't do that.”
“I’ll only ask the nice ones.”
“Mum, please.”
“I get to have fun. I raised you all alone, and I have been looking forward to this day. Let me tease them.”
I snort a laugh and shake my head in resignation. “All right, fine. But not too much. I want to keep them if I can.”
“Have you told them yet?”
My gut tenses. “No, I haven’t had a chance. The whole town seems to be intent on keeping us apart right now.”
Mum’s face softens. “They will understand, and it will work out.”
“How do you know?”
She shrugs. “These things just work out. Oh, and baby?”
“Yeah?”
“Randall is going to move in and bond with me. Just letting you know. So, you don’t need to watch out for me so much. I’m going to be okay.”
I stare at her, feeling the room tilt. “But you haven’t ever-”
“Since your dad left, I know. But it’s time. Seeing you live your life so bravely has made me want things. And your daddy’s bond mark is just a twinge of uncomfortable scar tissue now. I want a bond with the alpha who loves me.”
“Dad shouldn’t have done that to you,” I say angrily.
“He shouldn’t have done that to either of us.
But he did, and we were happy. I was happy with you.
You are one of my very best friends, and I am so proud and in awe of you.
I know that you’re going to be fine, and I want to take this moment and have you really hear me when I say this.
Cordelia, I am going to be fine,” she laughs.
“I’m going to be so fine. So, don’t you worry. ”
“Mum-”
“I know you saved us during those rough years. And I love you for that. I couldn’t find a way to keep us above water, but you did. You kept us safe. Now, it’s time to live your life.”
I sniffle. Where is this coming from? She sounds like my mum, and I feel little. I'm hearing all the words I’ve always wanted to hear.
“Why are you crying?” she teases but sets her mug down and stands up, coming and hugging me.
“You are the daughter of my body, and of my heart and soul, too, Cordelia. All the best parts of me and more. You are going to be fine. No, you will thrive. And I will be honoured to watch it.”
I hug her harder, sobbing into her shoulder.
She strokes my hair.
“I don’t want anything to change.”
“Yes, you do. Of course, you do. I know how much you loved that boy, Cordelia, and he’s yours now.
Don’t be scared that he’s going to leave.
He’s not like your dad. He’s a good alpha, someone who has shown up for his family, his friends, his town.
You. And those two, Katsu and Fox…baby, they are good alphas.
I know you are worried, but trust me, the whole town can see it. Trust them and trust me.”
My lip wobbles as I try to stop the tears. “I love you, Mum.”
“I love you. So much. Now get your ass up those stairs and get pretty so I can watch them trip all over themselves trying to get to you.”
I laugh wetly. She pulls away, this woman who is a thinner, more ethereal version of myself.
She has given me so much.
But knowing she’s going to be okay…I can let go of that worry.
I go up the stairs and stop in front of my laptop.
“Lynn Marino is not me. She’s a job.”
Still, I can’t make myself unpublish that preorder.