Chapter 31
Cordelia
The house is empty when I wake up, and I take the opportunity to escape before any of my minders return. It was cute, then annoying, then endearing, but I am thoroughly over being babysat by every well-meaning person in this town.
It continued to rain overnight, and there’s still water hanging on the gum leaves and grass like tiny snow globes.
It’s colder, too, and I shiver in the light blue coat I love so much.
Gale has been fed, and Imogen is going to work with him today, while the rest of us help set up for Light Knot Night.
Just in case, I keep my eyes averted and power walk past the Sol home. I really don’t want to deal with any more well-meaning conversations. What I want are my alphas. I need them.
The near-constant urge to whine in distress has been building in my chest. The pressure kept me tossing and turning all night last night, unable to find a moment's peace.
There’s this uncomfortable tug in my stomach, this unease that has been growing the longer we’re apart. I need them, being apart from them is wrong, and if I were less me, I would be almost hysterical.
The sunlight gleams on the wet world as the glittering decorations flutter in the light breeze.
The sun is out, but it’s between patchy clouds that will disappear by afternoon, leaving it a rare, cloudless night.
It’s supposed to be cold today, but this is worse than I expected.
White clouds grow out of my mouth with every exhale.
There are people bustling around, and Mack is on a ladder putting up more snowflakes.
It’s all happening.
The excitement I feel crashes when I don’t see them, so I walk to the Sandy Heart Café instead and slip inside. The warmth is instant and like a hug. It smells like cake and bacon, which is a strange combination, but one that is working for me this morning.
“Had enough of our helping?” Yolanda asks with a sympathetic smile.
I cast a quick glance at her and look away, feeling my cheeks getting hot. “Um, how can I answer that in a way that won’t offend anyone?”
Yolanda laughs and slides a takeaway coffee cup across the table towards me.
I take it and turn to the window, listening as the beta with her subtle scent approaches me and stands shoulder to shoulder with me.
For a long moment, there’s just peace and no pressure. She doesn’t judge or ask questions or have expectations. She just watches with me, a silent hand of solidarity that I need this morning. “Do you know what I love about these events?”
“What?”
“How in just one or two days, Sunshine Cove transforms into something spectacular. It’s like stepping into a fairytale world,” she murmurs. “It makes me feel like anything could happen. Like a fairy tale.”
I make a sound of agreement.
She sighs heavily and turns her own coffee cup. “I’m telling you this because I couldn’t sleep last night. What we were doing felt wrong.”
I turn to her, studying her contrite expression and feeling myself tense all over.
“They were overheard, your alphas. Talking about Lynn. The person who overheard them said they had found a clue that led to the discovery of who she was, and they were going to confront her. Everyone was just helping. You know, absence makes the heart fonder.”
My blood has turned to ice. They know? Why didn’t they say something? No, they would have said so if they had known.
“We were just buying you time, in a roundabout kind of way. I’m not sure of the logic of it, but there was intention.”
I squeeze my eyes closed, trying to imagine how bad things could have gone if they had discovered who I was days ago. Maybe it would have gone well, my brain says hopefully. Or is that my heart? Because in the next second, I’m forcefully reminded of the lawsuit and Fox’s hurt and anger.
A tiny, hopeless part of me whispers that it will all work out, but the rest of me knows they will leave me. I would leave me.
What can I do, though?
I open my eyes. “Thanks, Yolanda. I didn’t know. I honestly just thought the town had gone crazy again.”
She laughs, puts a comforting hand on my shoulder, squeezes, and then goes back behind the counter. I stay where I am, staring out the window, thinking over everything I know, everything I want, and everything I stand to lose.
As if my mind conjures them, they appear behind a small crowd that parts, standing near the beach stairs, framed in blue and grey light. They are smiling and look so good I could cry. I see the exact moment they notice me standing inside the shop.
Their expressions are how I feel. When I see them, the world lights up; it comes alive in vivid colours and sensations.
I take a step towards the door when a crowd intercepts our path. They scream, laugh, and swarm around Fox and Katsu. Fox’s expression turns from happiness to alarm. He backs up again and again, but there’s nowhere to go.
I rush out of the café but stop when I hear the first question.
“Are you Wolf and Cat?”
My stricken gaze finds my alphas, searching for anything that can indicate what I can do to help them.
“No,” Katsu growls.
“But you look exactly like them. We love the book.” The girl squeals and thrusts a book at him. “Sign it, please.”
I gape as someone asks if Katsu is the same size as Cat. Someone puts a piece of paper with a number into Katsu’s hand. They push up against them, asking more and more invasive questions, things that they would know nothing about.
Katsu growls and drops the number. The paper flutters, but they don’t care; they just start taking photos and touching them.
Fox edges back, his face turning white, his expression tormented.
And I get it.
I finally, finally understand.
This is why they are trying to find me. It’s not just a whim, it’s the ambushing, it’s the invasiveness. They will never be able to live like this.
I stare at them, my heart breaking in two.
I can’t have them both. There’s no possible way to make it work.
By the time they look for me, I’m gone.
Sofia, Asher, Felix, Lorelei, and Julia stare at me, waiting for me to speak, but I can’t find the words.
“It’s all right, take your time, Christmas is coming,” Asher says with a wicked grin.
I huff a laugh but then look skyward. “I need to know your opinions on something.”
“Go ahead, darling,” Mum says.
I straighten my shoulders, ignoring Franco singing off-key in his kitchen. We’re currently sitting around one of the massive tables in the restaurant, threading snowflakes and hearts onto string.
“Would you give up something that you loved, something that made you who you were, for love?”
The silence becomes tense. I look up, wondering what they are thinking.
“Are you thinking about giving up Lynn Marino?” Sofia asks softly.
“It’s making them miserable,” I rush to explain. “I didn’t understand, but I think I should just bury her and end it.”
“I mean, sacrifice in relationships is a part of it. We all need to bend a little,” Lorelei says, but her voice is unsure.
“Lynn is not who you are, she’s what you do,” Mum points out gently, but that gentleness hurts more.
I close my eyes, feeling the wound strike open again.
“Why change for them? If they loved you, they’d accept you, for you, for who you are.” Asher glares at Lorelei. “Why should she change?”
“Because everyone does,” Sofia murmurs. “We all have to sand off the edges of ourselves to fit together. Especially when you are coexisting. Eli gets insecure, and we’ve found that we need to check in with him, to make sure he’s not withdrawing.
So, part of one of the things he has issues with is when I suddenly disappear.
In order to protect his mental health, I now communicate my whereabouts and just keep them in the know. ”
Asher is shaking her head. “That’s controlling.”
“No, it’s not,” Sofia growls with a hint of teeth. “If it were controlling, he’d be dictating, and he didn’t ask me to do this; I volunteered.” Sofia turns to me. “Have they asked you to do anything?”
I shake my head. “They don’t know I’m Lynn, or at least I don’t think they do, but I saw firsthand what it was like today for them. They didn’t ask for this.”
“Can you change the character’s descriptions?” Lorelei asks.
I shake my head.
“End the series early?”
I sigh heavily. “To be honest, I’d planned for there to be five books. I mean, I could, but there’s a lot that would be rushed in the next book.”
“What would happen if you retired Lynn Marino?” Lorelei asks.
“Well, it all goes away. It gets silent. I get to have my alphas, and she just goes away.” The idea is like someone I love dying.
“I vote for letting Lynn go,” my mum says. “Sorry, baby, I know you love her.”
“I agree,” Sofia says softly. “You can start another penname. Your career isn’t over.”
“Let her rest. These relationships are forever,” Lorelei says gently. “You will understand when you have bonds.”
I turn to Asher.
She bites her bottom lip and looks down at the table. “I agree with them. Lynn isn’t the end, but it does hurt them.”
Felix is the only one who has stayed silent this whole time. I look at him, waiting. He sits forward and frowns a little.
“I think art is the expression of the soul.”
With that, he stands up and walks out, ignoring Asher’s exasperated calls for him to return.
I stand up. “Will you be all right here? I need to go check on Imogen and Gale, but I’ll be back.”
“Good luck making your decision,” Lorelei says softly. “We are all very, very happy for you.”
I wave and escape, feeling like if I have to stay there for one more second, I might cry.
Imogen and Kady are up with Gale and her grey, stocky mare, Mouse. I check in with them and then go upstairs and turn on my computer.
I look at everything I’ve accomplished. The emails from fans that I’ve kept in a folder. The hundreds of emails with Bas. My rankings, my earnings. The first hundred dollars I made. All my accomplishments, all because of Lynn.
“Goodbye, Lynn, I want to be with them, and I want to be happy. I don’t want to see them hurt. This is the right thing to do.”
I crack my knuckles and look at where to start. The sooner I get it done, the better.