10. Girl talk
Chapter ten
Girl talk
Black. Everything was black with a grainy pattern. Greys and whites intermingled the pixelated world, yet it was still black. Black, save a distant cube of white light whose surface was not uniform. Was that an entrance? Looking down, I saw a blue light trail leading directly to the cube.
Everything was silent except for a quiet, calming pulsation that sounded almost like digital ocean waves smoothed out so the crashes were peaceful. I picked up on a faint static, though I only noticed it if I focused.
The blue path pulsed in sync with the noise.
Each step sent out a shockwave, not only down the path, but into the surrounding ether.
The blue tendrils of my steps did not disintegrate, rather they joined to form shapes.
The shapes evolved into what I could only describe as the things one would see in a dream.
They gave off the idea of something living, yet it did not look like a living being.
Some were cuboidal, others were wisps, as if they were ideas incarnate.
“Weird, huh?”
I cried out and almost fell as I turned back. It had been so silent that I didn’t think Ralia had entered with me.
“Sorry, Pet.” She smirked, but this was not the Ralia I knew.
She had the features of her pre-tech modded self and lacked clothing.
There was no nudity to cover, only forms in the shape of the human body–save certain details–all in violet light that leaned more towards vibrant pink than a dull purple.
“It’s fine, I was just distracted.” I laughed, not feeling the air shoot up my throat and through my nose.
I clenched my fists, felt the pressure as usual, but the slight pain of dry skin cracking no longer bothered my knuckles.
It was neither cold, nor warm. There was no wind and I had no need to breathe.
Hunger and satiety were but a memory. I knew this was all a cognitive illusion–not knowing how to better explain it–but I still savored the relief.
Even after feeding, teeth always sounded appetizing.
Is this peaceful? Is this what life was prior to receiving my Bite?
“Have you been here before?” I asked.
She looked around. “Places like this, yeah. It’s typical for the neurocore. I haven’t been here, per se, or any place in the core quite as empty as this.“ She cocked her head behind me, then pointed. “At least we have a destination lined up, right?”
“Yeah? I guess?”
“You got any better ideas?”
“No. I’m just trying to get used to this.” I thought of the missing part in my groin where a mound covered that position of my digital body. Out of curiosity, I scratched it. Nothing felt off.
“The zeg are you doing?” she asked.
“Just… checking–I mean, you know…”
“Making sure your body is all intact?”
“I guess?”
“No restrooms here, nor will you need one. No need to eat or drink. In fact, you can’t here. Does that clear things up? You don’t have organs, only your mind keeping you in link with the rest of you back home. Don’t worry, it’ll all be there when you go back.”
“Right.” My chest ran cold. Wait. No, it didn’t, yet my mind gave me that same sensation of unease. “But when we leave here, will it feel like this version of me is dying?”
She laughed. “No, or every part of the core would be as empty as this place. Like I said before, your mind will join the consciousness and it’ll all make sense. For you, this you right now, it’ll feel like traveling through a portal.”
“And that feels like?”
“You kind of did the same thing when you entered, right? Enough questions. Let’s go.” She pointed at the light constructs that danced in the surrounding ether. “I don’t like whatever those things are. The quicker we’re out of here, the quicker you get to Naoma.”
I nodded.
She gave the silence five seconds before speaking again.
“We’ve got a while till we reach that cube, so why don’t you talk?”
“About what?”
“Your girl. Problems? Good things? I’m a girl, so I can help.”
“Everything’s good.”
“Come on, Pet. You can do better than that. You don’t sound too sure of yourself. Was there some drama back before the therapist guk?”
I laughed, sounding like an embarrassed teenager. “What? No. My problem isn’t anything like that.”
“So there is a problem.”
“Well, not really? I dunno. I told you about how I rushed everything when we first met, right?”
“Then she screwed her head on and realized what it meant to be a person and not a Reef automaton?”
“Yeah.”
“She doesn’t look like she has a problem with you. You went on that date, right? Ah, zeg that was cute. I don’t see a problem with you. You look like you’ve slowed down a bit… oh zeg. That’s the problem, isn’t it? You’re not going fast enough now and you’re losing her to friendship.”
“No… at least I don’t think so. Take a step back. That week–well, less than a week–before we all rejoined was bliss. Nothing crazy. Nothing even really romantic–”
“You spent a week with this girl and didn’t sleep with her once?”
“No! Zeg, Ral. She’s still figuring the world out.”
“That doesn’t mean you need to treat her like a child.”
“I’m not! What I mean is, she’s stuck on figuring out who she is.”
“As she should. Back to the week together. At least a few kisses, right?”
“I nice hug, but–”
“Zeeeeeg, Pet. You’re killing me. You really are.”
“Like you know her enough?”
“Do you? That’s what I’m trying to figure out! That week was amazing. No forced intimacy, just… time with the most interesting girl I’ve ever met.“ My next steps turned violet, unlike the previous blue.
Ralia’s remained blue. “That’s sweet. Go on.”
“I know it sounds cliché, but it’s just how I felt.
I love all of you, especially you and Boyband, but with Naoma, it’s different.
You and Boyband are family. Naoma’s something else, and I like that.
You replaced the family I had back home and you’re better friends than anyone can ask for, but…
getting involved with politics before coming to the Republic and diving deeper into the neurospace communities zegged up my actual social life.
With Naoma, I don’t feel the need to burn a socitab every hour.
It’s a real human connection. That week was a taste of something I had only dreamed of. ”
“And that is?”
“Finding someone I could spend the rest of my life with. I know, I know, it’s too early to think about things like that, but my point is that I loved just being with her.
Sitting. Talking about important things and worthless topics.
Talking just to talk. Being with her just to be with her.
What’s my problem? All of this. Work interrupting the glimpse of peace I had. I just want to spend time with her.”
“It’ll come soon enough.” She smiled and pointed to my right.
I looked out where the dreamlike lights had drifted and found that my thoughts had spilled into this realm. The violet, emotion-filled lights of my steps had formed into an image of Naoma. The Neon Idol, cast again in violet light, danced in the distance as if it was the sea and she was its queen.
I smiled, watching her move, until the light dissipated as I pulled my thoughts back into focus. My steps were blue again.
“It’ll work out, Pet.”
“I hope. I hope this works out for all of us. It’s hard to see otherwise, but I always feel like something is going to go wrong.”
“It probably will, and that’s fine, but don’t shell up. When Naoma’s gone, try to stay off the socitabs. We are always here for you. I am always here for you.”
“You mean a lot to me too, Ral. I hope you know that.”
“Look at you getting all sappy.”
“Don’t ruin it.”
“I’m savoring it. We all look up to you. Your flaws don’t distract from that.”
“As do I to you.”
She scoffed. “I don’t deserve–”
“That’s guk and you know it. We love you, Ral. We wouldn’t be here in the neurocore without you.”
“I’m not sure I should take that as a compliment.”
“It is. We all have to go through hell and you make it smooth. Light knows we would have been caught and killed by now if you hadn’t been by us to cover our tracks.”
She smiled. “I’m far from perfect, but I try my best.” Her voice took a turn for solemnity. “I wasn’t there for Keiro.”
“Ral.” I shook my head. The reminder ached every time I remembered his bitter end. “That was his own fault.”
“But I could have kept an eye on him. I know you don’t like it when I do, but I do it for a reason.
I won’t lose any of you ever again. The only one who refused my surveillance was Tevon and looked at what happened to him.
That wasn’t my fault… but Keiro was different.
We all saw him acting up. Different. Moody. One foot on the edge.”
How long had it been since I had heard Ralia sound so distraught? Being around her, one wondered if she was capable of sadness. We had all been hurt.
“Stop. It wasn’t your fault.”
I put my arm around her and wondered if her true body was weeping for what her inner self felt. “We all failed him.”
“Don’t blame yourself either, Pet. You were still getting used to this hell of a life, and I don’t mean that in a good way.”
“I know, but you were there for me that entire time. You were the sister I never had. Are that sister. If it hadn’t been for your warmth as I learned to cope with all of this… I might have ended up like Keiro.”
“Stop. None of that. You’re here, so am I, let’s leave it at that, kay?”
“I love you, Ral. You know that, right?”
It felt so warm to say that. Neither of us thought it was anything close to romantic love. Just as it was with Boyband. This familial love had grown amidst our suffering and bound us together tighter because of it.
“Of course I do. I love you too, Pet. I want nothing more than the best for you. You’ll get Naoma. It’s bound to happen.”
I smirked. I wanted it to be true, but it was up to Naoma. My hand was ever extended. She could take it or leave it, but I was there. She was more than a special girl. She was my Neon Idol. Not the concept, but the girl herself.