26. Fatigue
Chapter twenty-six
Fatigue
Naoma held my hand on the skyride home. She had fallen asleep on my shoulder, so I tried not to move much as I looked at her.
After the disaster that was the palace party, she still retained her flawless beauty.
The broken-in look of imperfect makeup and tousled hair pulled her out of that pop idol visage, letting me see her once again for the girl she was beneath it all.
She had a subtle smile. I hoped her dreams were a soothing distraction from this mess.
We were enjoying a brief reprieve but knew it would soon expire.
It was hard to forget that with the homunculus staring at me from his cylindrical capsule of indigo-infused liquid.
He watched me, connected to tubes and wires in his as he floated in the dense liquid.
He had a small tube that reached down his throat for respiration and other life-sustaining needs, but he was just as conscious as I was.
We had brought Zhou’s cybernetic body along with us in the trunk in case Ralia wanted to toy with it, but he directed us to his “resting capsule” after we told him that he would be joining us.
I smirked, feeling the savor of victory after so many wins at great costs. Yes, many had died–if that was what it was–during the boat race, but so many had survived. I tried to focus on them, rather than the itch of guilt that was sure to come.
A different itch came in to replace that feeling. Without thinking, I entered my neurospace, opened my fixes, and looked at my supply of socitabs. I was a twitch away from using one.
Boyband’s pleading held me back. Ralia hated it just as much and Abbas had shown me enough evidence to show the cognitive damage they dealt.
I was fine. Why did I need one? I was with Naoma, her hand in mine, yet that itch persisted. I wondered if it would wain.
I chose not to use one. It took all the will I had, but I had told myself that I wanted to change.
I resisted. It was pitiful to look back and see how often I had slipped when that was all that it took.
A hunger for teeth hadn’t been healthy for my restraint, but that didn’t mean it was irreparable.
The human tendency to confuse want with need had grown so commonplace in a world where everything was provided to those who had enough lumens.
Even the poorest found ways to justify a fix over a meal.
I wasn’t going to be like them. I was different and had been given the world’s weight in responsibility. Against that, resisting an addiction was just another itch.
It would come back. I would still scratch it, but for now, I had the power to refuse.
I still had the memtab I bought with Naoma to use on the way home from Arabasia.
I preferred them over socitabs, but they were far more expensive and were just as dangerous if you became addicted.
I still hated the idea of growing old and those only made reality more difficult to accept.
We hadn’t bought it for simple fun. It was one of our first attempts to understand Naoma’s past. When her memtab gave her nothing more than a confusing blur, I had chosen to leave mine alone.
I left the fixes behind and opened my files.
Ral-and-pet-fun-date was at the top, ready for me to calibrate the conscious with the subconscious.
The name was stupid, but it made me smile.
It was another reminder that I had people who cared for me.
I missed Ralia, even though our subconsciousnesses had been working together for the past…
while? I didn’t know how long it had been.
I was glad to be returning home after putting on a show for the elites.
I clenched Naoma’s hand, gladder to have her beside me than anyone else.
Still, I missed my family. I could only imagine how cooped up Boyband must have felt.
I would see them soon. The ride was nearing its end and hadn’t been long from the start.
I selected Ral-and-pet-fun-date.
Images played over my vision at double, triple, then exponentially faster speed.
Images became experiences. Sounds became memories.
I understood it all as if I were a rushing train that pulled to a gradual stop at its final station.
Once I stopped, I remembered everything inside and outside the neurocore. Luminate League.
Sha. The Moon. I couldn’t contain myself. I jumped right into my neurospace.
Petya: Ral, I just reconnected. Recalibrated. Whatever it’s called. Zeg, are we really doing this? What about the others?
She sent me a smiling face that brought a warm orange glow to my interface.
Ralia: Chill, babe. We’ll chat when we get home. Enjoy your last ride with Naoma.
My heart froze and hot iron pierced it.
Petya: The zeg do you mean?
Ralia: I’m just messing with you, du. Chill the zeg out. Things will be fine. We’ve got this, so don’t die of a heart attack just yet. I’ll need you to calm Boyband down when you get here. He’s bugging Denji and has the bromatic equivalent of blue balls.
Petya: Whatever.
Ralia: He’ll deny it to your face, but one day I hope you see how much you mean to him.
Petya: You mean just as much to all of us.
Ralia: Enough of that guk. I’m out. You’re ten minutes away if this tracking is current. Enjoy the rest of your private time. Talk soon, hun.
I exited my neurospace. Naoma was still asleep on my shoulder. I smiled and rested my head on hers.
Maybe life could be good.
“Where’s Petya?” A voice shouted down the hall as Ralia unlocked the door and waved us in.
“What do you want?” I shouted down the hall. I turned back, saw Naoma wave me away while Ralia embraced her, then ran to find Boyband.
“Where the zeg is–“ Boyband stopped as I ran into him.
I slapped his shoulder. “What?”
“Akna won’t let me sleep with David.”
“What?”
“You know, my beef3?”
“Is that what you’re calling it now? Isn’t it Denji’s?”
“Took it from my property, now it’s mine.”
“That’s not the only problem I had with that sentence.”
“No, you sick shac, I’m not–stop laughing! I want him in the same room with me while I sleep. You know, like a pet? I want him to be able to do more than ask for someone to kill him.”
“End my life please.” I jumped at the sound of David at our feet, having missed him over Boyband’s complaints. I leaned against the wall so I didn’t fall back after almost stepping right onto him.
“See? He needs some love.”
“Like you can offer it!” Akna complained as she walked by. “She touched my arm as she passed down the hall with the other girls into another area of the monastery. “Good to have you back, Pet. Don’t let him talk you into it. I can’t sleep with that thing next to me.”
Boyband eyed her as she passed. When she was out of sight, he waved down the hall and raised his eyes. “See what I mean?”
“Wait, are you two sleeping together? Isn’t she like sixteen?”
“She’s eighteen and no. Zegging. Way.”
“But…”
“Yeah, we’re in the same room.”
“Sleeping… next to…”
“Each other. Yes. Grow up.”
I held in a laugh. “I mean, the monastery isn’t that small.”
”I know. Some of us can sacrifice for others, you plug?”
I raised an eyebrow.
His frustrated visage faded to concern. He sighed. “She’s been having these… nightmares? No, it’s more like… technological horror… visions… but it’s all connected to her gui… we think.”
“The jaguar?”
He nodded.
“Did she talk to Ral?”
“Of course she went to the only other one who, for some reason, has a problem with her Gui.”
My neurocore memories of Zhu’s warnings about Sha came to mind, but I pushed them aside. “And?”
“Nothing. Ral’s a little anxious since she finished your deep neurospace quest.”
“Neurocore.”
“Same thing.”
“Not really, but–whatever. She looked fine?”
“Of course she did. She always looks like she’s doing fine, but you can tell when something’s off. She’s a little scrambled, impulsive, distracted, and blah blah blah. Look, I know she’ll look into Akna’s Gui problem soon, but I need your help with David. You plug?”
“Kiss up to Akna a bit and I’m sure you can convince her.”
He threw up his arms. “What else can I do? I comb her hair, rub her back while she’s falling asleep, rest my arm around her when she finally does.”
I lost it. I spat out and fell back in unrelenting laughter.
“Zeg you, shac.” He shook his head and turned to walk away.
“No, no, stop, du.” I reached out and pulled him towards me before he could get away.
“What?”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have laughed.” I took a deep breath. “You’re doing everything right. Keep comforting her no matter how anyone reacts, including me. Hold her through to the end of this thing with the moon, then we’ll figure out whatever’s bothering her. You plug?”
He sighed, then nodded. “You think the moon thing will be that easy?”
“Zeg, no, but we’ll get through it.”
He looked up at me.
I ruffled his hair. “You good?”
“Piss off.”
We smiled.
I followed the sounds of the girls’ voices, waving to Denji and Abbas on the way as they were sitting and enjoying some tea together. Kuni sat in the corner reading a book and sounding out the words under his breath.
Ralia eyed me as I walked in while Naoma was talking to her and Akna. She didn’t interrupt Naoma while she waved me in and put her arm around my waist. She kissed me on the cheek.
Naoma smirked but continued to tell them about the 3Rochi pop-up.
“Really?” Akna asked.
Naoma nodded. “By the time we got to the Palace, Petya had gathered quite the audience.”
I shrugged.
Akna asked Naoma another question but focused on Ralia as she dropped her arm from my waist.
“Are you ready?” I asked.
She cocked her head down the hall. “We’ll leave you gals to gossip. Pet and I have some business to deal with.”
“Okay!” Akna said.
Naoma looked at me with raised eyebrows as we walked away. I nodded, letting her know that I was fine.
Ralia waited until we could no longer hear Akna clearly before speaking. “How’s the recalibration been? Still panicking?”
“I mean, I still have questions, but… how long is the flight?”
“We have an hour flight to the spaceport, then it’s a two day ride.”
“Zeg.”
She nodded. “Plenty of time to plan and think, but I say we leave as soon as possible. If we leave tonight, we could spend the night in an airport capsule then fly out of orbit in the morning. You plug?”
“Yeah, sure, but…”
“But what? I don’t think we need to pack much and I don’t plan on staying longer than we have to.”
“I know. I just… never mind.”
“You wanted more time to rest? Me, too. I want to get this guy over with.” Her eyes were bloodshot and wet . “I’m tired, Pet.”
Those words pierced my core with a violet-infused blade. “Don’t you dare say that.”
“What the zeg is wrong with you?”
“I’m sorry, Ral, I didn’t mean to get so ang–”
“Keiro,” she said under her breath. “Just because he said the same thing before we lost him doesn’t mean you’ll lose me.
I’m not charging head on into a suicide mission like he did.
Well… maybe that isn’t the right thing to say right now.
What I mean to say is that I’m not charging in blind hatred to finish some job.
I want a break. I want to finish this, then come home without an active target on our backs.
Can’t I be tired that way? Sure, someone will always be looking around for us, but the Correction knows we are coming.
I want to use the energy I have left right not to go to the moon, do what we need, then have a little family time to ourselves. You plug?”
“Yeah. I’m tired, too.”
“See? Not everything needs to be tied to past scars.”
“So… what now?”
“Take what you need for a few days’ vacation to the moon. I’ve got the tickets lined up to fly out like I said. Visit if you need, but I already told the others to expect this.”
“Pulse.”
“We’ll feed hard right before the spaceport departure. I’ll take a few emergency teeth in case we need them to push us through until arrival. Once we’re there, we can figure out how to feed next. The moon resorts are full of pompous rich shacs who can keep us well fed for the way home.”
“But what if we can’t defeat the Correction on our own? I mean, it’s a full-on organization.”
“Trust me. We’ll chat about it on the ride there. Enjoy yourself for a bit. I’ll grab you when it’s time to leave.”
“Pulse.”
As I walked through the halls, I watched the joy that we had built from a series of disasters.
Ralia held us up with an ever-present “can-do” attitude even against the impossible Kuni, the test-subject orphan had a full family of unfit parents to raise him.
Denji, the wannabe Luxists was on his way to becoming one of the best monks ever known.
Abbas was redeeming himself by turning to peace where his past associates waged war.
We weren’t at that peace quite yet, but we were en route.
Boyband and Akna gave me hope that even the tainted youth might make the future worth reaching.
Naoma. She had been my muse from the beginning and once I cleared those clouds of corruption, I saw that she was unequivocal in beauty and personality.
As my world went to guk, she shined the light at the end of the tunnel.
We had pulled her from glory, wealth, and unparalleled fame, yet she refused to return.
People. It was always about the people.
I tried to smile, focusing on what we had, not on what we entropy was bound to take.