Chapter Thirty-One MAE
Chapter Thirty-One
MAE
I kept opening the email on my phone and staring at that stupid subject line. The little red dot was constantly bright on my screen all because of that one email. I was afraid.
Rowan had opened a door I never wanted to open again. I honestly didn't want to pursue anything around this legally. The process alone would eat me alive.
My day was busy at work, but I had plenty of time to think, so I made a decision.
I didn't know what to do, but I needed some space.
I wasn't blaming Rowan for Chet emailing me, but this was my situation to deal with. I did not want anyone else involved. I just needed to come to my own peace with it. I didn’t think closure was possible, if only because the concept was fucking obnoxious for traumatic events.
I was tempted to be a coward and tell Rowan I needed some time via text.
But that just didn't feel right. That night, I drove past my house to his apartment, which I'd only been to a few times. We’d fallen into the habit of him mostly staying with me during our short relationship.
I was relieved to see his SUV there. We hadn't texted about what we were doing tonight.
My heart gave a sharp twist. Because that was how far and fast we’d fallen into this place of comfort. Now, it felt all blown up emotionally. I didn't need him nosing into this situation. It had been enough for me to share what happened.
I jogged up the stairs on the side and knocked lightly on the door. It swung open only seconds later.
Rowan’s alert gaze skated over my face with a searching look. “Hey,” he said.
“Can I come in?”
“Of course.”
He stepped back and gestured for me to pass by. “I was about to text you and see if you wanted me to come over.” His tone was light and casual, although it felt slightly forced.
I stared at him for a long moment. “I'm really upset,” I said quietly as I walked past him and stuffed my hands in my pockets.
It said a lot that I didn’t even need to explain further. “Mae, I was just trying to help—”
I cut in. “You want to help somehow? I don't need help.”
“Oka-aay,” he said slowly.
He started to step closer, but I took a step back. “Please don't talk to anybody else about this. Promise me you won’t.”
“I promise. I won’t.”
My throat ached, and my chest literally hurt. “I'm afraid, and I need a little time.”
“Mae, please,” he began, his voice roughened. “Please don't tell me you're going to let this blow us apart. Please. You know I love you.”
“I know you do. I love you too, but I just need a few days. That's all.”
I didn't even know how to vocalize what I was feeling.
This entire situation had somehow shattered the fragile peace I had started to find.
There was Rowan and how he connected to my memories of that night long ago that had ripped through my life and sent pieces of me scattering.
Then there was the sheer enormity of my feelings for him.
I swallowed and took a shallow breath. “I'll call you when I'm ready.”
Turning, I fled back out into the cold darkness.
In the few minutes I’d been in his apartment, the snow that had been spitting periodically on my drive home from Anchorage had shifted into an icy sleet.
It struck against my cheeks, and I almost welcomed the stinging pain.
I couldn't feel the hot tears through it and drove home in a blur.
By the time I got home, there were already several texts from Rowan. I replied with one.
I just need a little time. That's all I'm asking.