Chapter 21 #3
"We're done. Feels wrong to hold on to them, if nothing else. But I…I have to move on, and I know I won't if I've got those as a reminder."
"You really did care about her."
"A whole fuckin' lot. I…no one really sees the side of her I do.
I just…I have a hard time understanding how I could care about anyone more than I do her.
It's confusing. Maybe it is love, y'know?
Like, I wonder sometimes. But then I watch Fee with Sparky, Rye with Cadie, Bear with No-No.
And now you and Lace. And I know what I feel for Barb ain't that—her for me or me for her. And I….I'll never have that, man."
"Why do you think that?" I ask. "Nyx, you're…fuck, bro, you're one of the best people I know."
He rolls a shoulder. "Like that matters? You spent how long all fucked up and lonely and you’re a goddamned paladin.”
"Special circumstances, man."
"And I'm special circumstances, as in special like the short bus."
"Cody Nyx, not fucking cool and you know it."
He groans. "I know, I know, I’m…it’s self-deprecating humor. People don't get me, women in particular. Barb got me. She didn't mind my weirdness. She didn't always understand, but she never made fun of me or got irritated when I'd fixate on something or with the random, annoying shit I do."
I sigh. "I don't like that joke, Nyxie. Not funny, not cool. And it's not you, either. You’re…different, sure, but—”
"My old man used to call me retarded,” he cuts in, his voice hard as iron. “Hard not to internalize that when you hear it every fuckin' day. So now I make jokes about it."
“Yeah, well, your old man is right where the fuck he belongs."
That being doing twenty-five to life at Holbrook.
Nyx nods. "I know. I still hear that shit in my head, though. Girls like to flirt. They’ll tease.
Play. Even sleep with me…once. But then they come over, and they see the crazy ass rose garden, or hear me talk about cartoons, or they see my anime collection, or whatever.
Any of that weird shit you guys tease me about. "
“We tease because we love you, bro. You know it's all love. And if it bothers you, I hope to fuckin' god you'll say so."
"No, I know." He grins at me. "I make fun of you guys for your shit.
Yeah, I know with you guys it's love. But when I bring a girl home and we hit it off and shit is going well, and I let her see some of the real me and not just the funny-funny-ha-ha parts, and they run for the goddamn hills so fast it makes my head spin? Not as cool with that. It hurts.”
My heart clenches for my friend. "Fuck, man."
"I don't talk about that often. Mainly because I don't bother trying anymore.
That's why I was with Barb for so long.” He points at the waitress.
"Like her. Yeah, she's hot shit. Close enough in age, too.
But she's a cool girl. You can tell, you know.
She's always been cool. She'd sleep with me, but if she saw me in my underwear with my cereal and my cartoons?
" He laughs, hard. "She'd be gone so fast she'd leave a person-shaped hole in the wall.
" A shake of his head. "Nah, man. Barb was as close as I was ever gonna get, and that's over with.
And it's cool. I'm fine. Maybe I'll…I dunno. Take up tantric yoga. Become a monk."
I laugh, shaking him by the shoulder. "Bullshit, man.
There's someone out there for you. Someone who’ll not just accept your quirks, but love you for them, not just in spite of them.
" I pull him close and hug him. "Don't give up hope, Nyx.
Look at me, right? I'd given up on ever seeing Lacey again, and now look.
It's not all roses and rainbows, we've got shit to figure out, but… she's back. She loves me."
“Well, maybe by the time I’m forty-seven, someone will finally fucking show up in my life.
All I know is it sucks to be the last one single.
I don't ever want to take away from ya'll’s happiness, legit, I don't. I'm super fucking happy for all of you.
I guess I just…I want it to be my turn." He drains his beer, sets the empty glass on the half-bar-shelf-thing running at waist height along the wall, slaps his knees, and stands up.
"Cole, bro, I love you. I'm happy for you and Lace.
And I really appreciate you lookin' out for me and talking to me.
I really do." He chuckles. "You know, it's kind of ironic that you and me both had our situation-ships end pretty much at the same time.
You because you're back with your ex, and me because she doesn't want to get in the way of me finding real love.
Under other circumstances, that'd be something to drink together about.
" He leans in and we hug. "I'm going home.
You take that fine-ass lady of yours home and you hold on tight, Cole.
You've got a rare, one-in-a-billion shot to try and get it right, again, with the woman you've loved since you were sixteen. "
"Fourteen," I correct. "The day I fell in love with her was April Corcoran's fourteenth birthday party. It was a pool party at the country club. I remember feeling so fuckin' cool for getting invited to the country club."
Nyx cackles. "I felt like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown. Spent most of the party waiting for someone to grab me by the neck and chuck me out."
I nod, laughing. "Same. But then Lacey showed up thirty minutes late, making this grand entrance.
" I close my eyes, seeing it all over again.
“She was wearing cutoff jean shorts and a white tank top.
I watched her shimmy out of those shorts, and…
" I shake my head. "I think that was my sexual awakening.
And then I saw her in that purple one-piece, and that was it.
It just took me two more years to work up the courage to ask her out. "
Nyx claps me on the shoulder. "Exactly my point, Cole. You've got a chance to get it right with the woman you've been in love with for twenty fuckin' years. So get it the fuck right, okay? Or I’ll never forgive you." A pause. “You know I was half in love with her through most of high school?"
I laugh. "No, what?"
He nods. "Yup. Had it bad for a while. I still care about her almost as much as I do you guys. Platonic, now, though, so don't worry."
"Nyx—"
"Just saying, I really hope you know that you've got one of the good ones, brother."
"I do know."
"Good. Then you won't fuck it up." He smacks the back of my head, the way he's done our whole lives, and it still annoys me every bit as much as it did in third grade. "Now, stop talking to me so I can actually go the fuck home and go to bed."
I lob a lazy kick at the back of his thigh as he walks away, shooting me double middle fingers, thumbs out, over his shoulders, without looking.
I wait till he's in the doorway before calling his name. "Hey, Nyxie!" He turns and looks at me over his shoulder, and I draw a heart in the air with my index fingers, and then give him a wink and an air kiss. "Love you, bro."
He fakes a gag. "Whatever, loser." The last thing I see is his hand appearing around the frame of the door, shooting me one last bird.
I cackle the whole way back to the table with the others.
Fee and Rye have played musical chairs, so the three of us are all in a row, leaving the only open seat for me between them.
"What was that about?" Felix asks. "He good?"
I'm hesitating over what to share when my phone buzzes with a text from Nyx.
Fill in the others so I don't have to repeat the whole thing. Just not the details about Barb's husband. That stays in the you and me vault.
Got it.
Love you too, bro.
His status in the thread then changes, alerting me that he's silenced his notifications on me. The jerk.
I fill the boys in on what's going on with Nyx, respecting Barb's personal details.
Riley, after I'm done, seems thoughtful. "So, does this mean we aren't going to the Borderline anymore?"
Felix elbows him. "Dude, that's what you're concerned with?"
"What? Their two-buck domestic drafts deal on Thursdays is killer. Especially when GrindHammer is playing."
I roll my eyes. "Fucking GrindHammer. God."
They're a local thrash cover band; they're pretty good if you're into that kind of thing, which I am not. Riley is, though, and he rarely misses a chance to hit up the B-L on Thursday for two-dollar Miller Lites and a GrindHammer set.
"You really think Cadence is gonna sit through that? Her head will explode," Felix says.
Riley rolls his eyes. "She'd hang out at your place with Ember and Noelle." A glance at me. "And Lacey."
"Riley, if Nyx and Barb are really done-done, then yeah, I think our days at The Borderline are over," Felix says. "You can catch GrindHammer down at the Lock Box."
The Lock Box is another local dive bar, much like The Borderline. It's more like forty minutes away and their drink specials aren't quite as good as at The Borderline, but it's a similar feel and a lot of the same bands play there, including GrindHammer.
Riley is red-faced. “Yeah, I dunno about that."
Felix frowns. "Oh god. Who'd you screw?"
Riley gives his brother a look. "Dude, come on!" He flicks his gaze at Cadence.
She just stares at her fiancé in that way she has. "Riley, my love, I am well aware of your sordid past as a shameless himbo. You can discuss it in my presence. I know you are faithful to me."
There's a brief, stunned pause, and then we all explode into uproarious laughter, none more so than Riley.
"I was not intending that to be a joke," Cadence says, both confused and earnest. “Will you please explain the humor?"
Felix wipes tears of mirth out of his eyes. "The fact that you just called my baby brother a shameless himbo is the greatest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. You just…you can't know how much shit we've given him over the years for it. And now you are! It's just so fucking funny, holy shit."
Riley crosses his arms petulantly. "Fuck all of you. You can all fuck all the way off."