Chapter 10 #3
She thinks about my question for a long time.
"It is a complicated topic for me. I have understood the mechanics of human sexuality from a very young age, as I studied anatomy, physiology, and other such subjects—as I have told you heretofore—and one cannot help encountering the subject in that context.
But I never applied it to myself. I went through puberty, obviously, and the various physical sensations were terribly difficult for me, so I dissociated even more totally during that period of my life.
It was not until I began studying at Harvard that I even wondered about dating or sexuality.
I was surrounded by it—my roommate had a boyfriend and was not shy about engaging in sexual activity, even when I was in the room. "
"Yeah, that's pretty common, from what I understand," I tell her. "Obviously, I never went to college, but I've had friends who did tell me very similar stories."
"She…" Cadence pauses, and I imagine she's blushing, though my eyes are on the sky and not her face.
"She seemed to, erm…enjoy it. Very loudly and very exuberantly.
It made me curious. About…boys. I began wondering if anyone would ever see fit to take an interest in me…
as a human. As a female. And then the situation with Joel occurred, and I went out of my way to avoid attention from males, and never really entertained the notion of my own sexuality again.
To be honest, my thoughts were never about sex, per se, but rather merely a curiosity regarding the attention of a boy.
For who I am, I mean. Not because I am weird. "
"So…what's different about me?" I ask. "Why do you react to me differently? Why is it okay for me to touch you?"
"I wish I knew," she answers.
I laugh. "Nice."
“Oh.” She goes tense. "That could be construed as an insult, I now realize."
"I know you didn't mean it that way."
She rolls toward me, angled against me, hands folded on my chest with her chin on her hands.
"Indeed I did not. I only meant that I do not know myself why you.
You are extraordinarily handsome, of course.
But I have encountered other attractive men in my life and not felt about them the way I do you.
My reaction to you was instant. The moment I opened my eyes and saw you, I was…
struck. I was immediately plunged into my body.
I immediately wondered how it would feel to make physical contact with you.
If I would hate it, or if…if I might, for once, enjoy it.
The curiosity became a need to find out. And I did."
"So, here's a question for you, then." I slide my fingers into her hair behind her ears. "If you couldn't bear the thought of being touched by anyone, why was the idea of a kiss a good thing?"
"An excellent question, Riley." She touches my lower lip with her index finger, idle, curious, affectionate.
"To me, a kiss has always been a symbol.
I wondered how it would feel, but was incapable of comprehending the reality.
It was a symbol of being the subject of desire.
I have been mocked by my peers—here in the States, at least. And if not mocked, misunderstood, underestimated, made assumptions of, dismissed, laughed at, and ignored.
Boys saw me as a freak, not a girl to be desired.
Even after puberty, when my adult physique had finished growing, my strangeness always outweighed any interest there may have been in my physical form.
Once I spoke and they heard me sounding, as you so accurately and comedically put it, like a Victorian age automaton, my femaleness vanished and my freakishness prevailed. "
My heart breaks for her. "Cadence, that's awful. I'm sorry you experienced that."
She smiles, shrugs. "I have come to accept it."
"And now, you've had your first kiss." I touch her lip, mirroring the path of her finger along my lower lip to my upper in a slow circuit. "And you liked it?"
She doesn't answer immediately. "Yes," she breathes after a moment. "I did. More than I know how to say. I…I haven't stopped thinking about kissing you since the first time your lips touched mine."
"And now you're thinking about what comes after kissing."
"Yes."
"But…you're…" I exhale sharply. "You're going to Africa. I don't know for how long, but you are, and you have no reason to come back here whenever you do return to the States."
"I would be gone at least four months, most likely closer to six."
"Exactly."
She frowns. "But I…" she rolls to her back and stares up at the sky. "I suppose I thought that you would be okay with that."
"With fooling around with you even though you're leaving soon?"
She nods. "Yes."
It's my turn to puzzle through my complicated reaction to this revelation.
"I…I think if it were anyone else, I would be.
But you're different." Before she can misinterpret this, I plow forward.
"Cadence, you're a virgin, and experiencing sex is a big deal.
It's a big deal to anyone, but you're twenty-four.
You've waited a long time. And it's an even bigger deal to you, I think, because of your sensory issues. "
"You're not wrong."
"I just…I care about you. I don't want to…
fuck, I don't know. Take something from you that's not mine to have.
I dunno if that makes any sense. I just…
your first time, and your path to that first time should be special.
It should be magical. Ideally, your first time should be with someone who you can see being the only one for you. "
"You think I cannot see that possibility with you?" she asks.
My heart twists and flips. "I mean, I’m, like, your polar opposite. You're inherently good—you're pure-hearted. Crazy smart. Elite education. Bright future ahead of you, saving lives and being a badass."
She rolls her head to look at me. "You are not the opposite of any of those things, except perhaps educated, and education is not an indicator of intelligence but rather of opportunity."
I sigh, roll a shoulder. “I suppose."
She turns into me again, pressing her soft, svelte body against mine.
"Riley, what it comes down to is that I choose you.
I know what I want. I am frightened but ready—although frightened may not be the right word.
Nervous? Anxious? Anticipatory? A little afraid, too, it is true.
I know even less what to expect from the things you spoke of than I did of kissing.
" She scratches her fingernails along my jawline from earlobe to chin, and then tugs at my lower lip with her thumb.
"I crave you, Riley. Your touch. Your kisses.
Your attention. I want to see your body.
I want to show you mine. I want to know how to touch you.
I want to be touched. I want to know why Krista, my roommate, screamed the way she did. "
Arousal and desire rocket through me. "Cadence…fuck."
She presses on. "I trust you, Riley. That is rare for me.
Truly, truly rare. I…have never in my life reacted to anyone the way I do to you.
I do not know if I ever will again. I do not know what lies ahead for me, especially after my Sudanese mission.
But I am here with you, now. I know I would consider it the greatest of errors if I did not allow myself to explore what my body is capable of feeling with the one man I can tolerate being touched by.
" She wriggles closer, and my cock stiffens at the soft crush of her tits against my chest and the way her thigh drapes over mine and her core snugs against my quad.
"It can only be you, Riley. Please. Be with me. "
I groan raggedly. "How can I say no? I've been tryin' like hell to be good with you. You deserve someone as good as you, babe, and that ain’t me.
But…fuck, I want you. I want you so damn bad, Cadence.
Makes me crazy how attracted to you I am.
" I make sure she's looking at me. "To you—to the woman you are, Cadence.
To your personality—to your mind as much as your body. "
Her eyes go misty. "You truly mean that?"
"God, yes. You're the most amazing woman I've ever met."
"I…" she blinks hard, and then nuzzles her nose against my throat. "I want to kiss you, Riley. I want to kiss you, and this time, I don't want to stop. I don't want you to stop. I want you to teach me what my body can do. How it can feel."
"How the fuck are you even real?" I breathe, not intending to say it out loud.
"I do not understand the question," she murmurs.
"I mean you're too good to be true." I brush my thumb over her lips. "I'll go slow, okay? Stop me at any time, for any reason. Ask me anything."
She huffs a laugh. "I have spoken more about myself to you than I have in the rest of my life combined.
I do not like speaking of myself. I do not like explaining myself to people.
Most do not care to actually understand.
You do." She licks her lips, and starshine glitters in her eyes, stains her skin silver.
"I am tired of talking, Riley. I would like to feel.” A quick pause. "Good things, if you please."
This makes me laugh. "Only good things, I promise."
Her eyes are wide. "You must also teach me what to do for you, Riley. All relationships, even physical ones, rely on an equitable cycle of give and take."
I grin at her. "Oh, that won't be a problem."
"You…you want me to touch you?"
"Do bears shit in the woods?" It comes out before I can stop it. "That's rhetorical. It means obviously."
She smiles. "I believe I grasped your meaning."
"Hard to tell with you, sometimes."
"That is fair. You would not be mistaken if you assume I do not understand colloquialisms and such. Most of the time I do not, but every once in a while—"
I cut her off with a kiss. “Cadence?"
"Yes, Riley?" Breathy, eager.
"I can't kiss you if you're babbling."
"I babble when I am nervous."
"Gettin' that." I kiss her again, soft, quick. "Remember one thing for me, okay? You are in control. You can test me. Ask me to stop or slow down or wait."
"Just…be gentle?"
"How could I be anything less with someone so precious?”