Chapter 21
CADENCE
Iam frozen with shock, and no small amount of panic.
I cannot breathe, cannot make my legs stop shaking, cannot make my mouth form sentences.
Riley, for his part, looks like he is feeling nearly as panicked as I am.
The box in his palm is a red velvet ring box, but it's old, the velvet worn by decades.
From Main Street, I can barely make out Nat King Cole's voice.
Snowflakes swirl thickly, now, settling on Riley's broad shoulders and clinging to his beard.a
His mouth opens and shuts, but no sound comes out; he clears his throat and tries again.
"I…this is…shit. I'm already making a mess of this.
" He squeezes his eyes shut, inhales, holds it, exhales, and then looks up at me, opening the box; my heart skips not one but several beats.
"Cadence, I love you. I can honestly say I never thought I'd hear myself say those words.
I avoided relationships because I…I've never felt like I'm worthy of being anyone’s…
anything. You showed me otherwise. You make me feel like…
" his eyes water and he blinks hard, clears his throat again.
"Like someone you're proud of being with. "
"Because I am," I whisper. "I am proud to be with you, Riley."
"What you said back at Benji's? Baby, you're home." He licks his lips. "At least, that's what I want you to feel. You can't overstay your welcome because you're home—with me. I've never had a real girlfriend before. Not really. I just…" he squeezes his eyes shut. "Fuck, I'm really messing this up."
I shake my head, sniffling. "Not at all.”
He laughs softly. "Feels like it. I had a speech, but it flew out of my head.
I just…I love you. So fucking much I don't know what to do with it, sometimes.
You've changed my life—you've changed me.
I never want to go back because the months you were gone were the hardest of my life.
I missed you so fucking bad, and…now you're here.
And these last few weeks? You living with me?
It's what I want out of life. I want you, Cadence. "
He opens the box, and my heart stops completely for a brief, medically inadvisable moment.
The ring is very old, and very simple. A gold band with a tiny round diamond solitaire.
"This was my great-grandmother's, and then my grandmother’s, and then my mother's.
She…I guess she took it off and gave it back to Dad at some point—I don't know, to be honest. If she did, it’s the one good thing the bitch ever did.
I just know that after Dad had his heart attack, we found it in his stuff.
I…I remember my grandmother wearing it. She told me once that it was meant for me to give to my wife someday.
Why me and not Felix, I don't know and she wouldn’t say but since I never intended to get married, I…
" he halts, shakes his head. “I’m babbling, I’m so fucking nervous. "
I cannot help but laugh a little. "Riley, my love—"
"Marry me, Cadence," he blurts, shoving the box up toward me. "Please. I love you. I want you in my life forever. Be mine. Be my wife. Be my forever."
The tears I've been fighting back tumble out as he utters the question I truly never thought I would ever hear. I can barely see through the haze of tears, and my heart is pounding, palpitating in my chest, and my hands shake and there is only one possible answer.
"Yes," I breathe, the word shaky, a nearly inaudible syllable. "YES!" Louder, then. "Yes, yes, yes!”
Riley surges to his feet, wraps his arms around me and swings me in circles, laughing. "Yes?" He sets me down and pulls the ring from the box. "I've got no clue if it'll fit or not." He stops, looks down at me. "You mean it?"
I laugh. "Do you?" I hold up my left hand, and he slides the ring on—it fits, which seems wildly improbable. "Riley, you really…you really want this? With me?"
He stares at my finger. "More than I've ever wanted anything, Cadie. It's all I've thought about since I saw you in the airport."
I frown at this. "Truly?"
He nods. "I saw you and I knew. I just…I knew I never wanted to be apart from you for that long again.
I…while you were gone, I felt…incomplete.
And these last few weeks with you, I've felt the opposite—like…like I finally have the thing I’ve been missing my whole life.
You. You, Cadence. You're what my life has always needed, I just…
I didn't know it until I met you. Now I know, and I can't imagine a day without you. "
"Oh, my Riley." I bury my face in his shirt between the edges of his jacket. "I never dared dream of a proposal, you know. I have long felt as if such things are for others, not me. But then you…you made me feel…I don't know. Not normal. I'll never be normal."
"And thank god for that."
I frown up at him. "You…you accept me as I am, and you have proven your love for me—not just in spite of all the strange and unusual and difficult things about me, but even because of them.
You said I changed your life, and changed you—but Riley, you have done the same for me.
I love you so, so much, and I never want to be apart from you, either. "
"Good thing you're gettin' married, then, huh?" comes a voice from nearby—Nyx.
I turn, startled and see the whole gang of Riley's friends and family gathered in a huddle, watching; Noelle is snapping photos of us with an expensive camera.
Felix and Ember are arm in arm, with baby Ella bundled in a fluffy pink snow suit, only her nose and eyes showing.
Bear towers behind Noelle, grinning at us.
Cole in his Sheriff's uniform, a knit cap with the Sheriff logo on it on his head and a wistful look in his eyes.
Nyx is beside Cole, wearing dirty gray mechanics coveralls, heavy boots, and a thick, battered Carhartt jacket, his head bare, snow dusting his black hair.
The Cartwright sisters are there, too, along with Noelle's friend Raina.
I look at Riley. "Did you know they'd be here?"
He seems stunned, too. "No, no idea. The only person I told was Fee."
Felix is smirking. "Think any of us would miss this one, bro? You? Proposing? To a fuckin' hot ass doctor?"
Ember whacks his chest. "Felix Crowe!"
He rolls his eyes. "What? She's gorgeous. Way outta his league. I’m happy for his ass.”
Nyx cackles. "Still time to run, Cadence! It's not too late!"
Ember and Noelle both give him a dirty look. "Don’t listen to Nyx, honey-buns," Ember says. "He's an idiot."
They both come toward me and sweep me up in a three-way hug. Noelle peers at me, tearful. "The Three Rivers Girl gang just gained a member. You're one of us, now, girlie."
I look around at the gathered crew—friends, family…found family. "I have never belonged anywhere. Never belonged with or to anyone."
The Cartwrights and Raina gather around the three of us, and then suddenly I am being crushed as everyone surges in to join the hug.
"Alright, alright," Riley says, pushing everyone away. "Give the girl some space."
I shake my head. "No. I do not want space. I want this. I want this life. With you all." I look at Riley. "With you. Could we…do we have to wait a long time? To get married?"
He laughs, shakes his head. "What are you doing tomorrow?"
I sniffle. "Maybe not tomorrow."
He laughs again. “Teasin', babe. Although I would, if you said the word."
"Spring," I whisper. "In the cherry blossoms."
“Perfect.”
Noelle takes my hands. "By the way, my older sister Natasha is a pediatric resident at the hospital."
"I see," I say, unsure where she is going with the statement.
"She told me the other day that the Emergency Department is severely short-staffed, and that the department chief is transferring downstate. So…you know, if you were to, say, submit your resumé, there's a pretty good chance you'd have your pick of positions."
My heart lifts higher than ever—I am soaring on the winds of joy so expansive and all-consuming I could fly away, and this only adds to it. "Truly?"
Noelle nods, smiling. "She also told me she spoke to the big dude in charge at the hospital and I guess he's looking to change things up, so an ER chief who's a little…out of the box, shall we say, might be exactly what he's looking for."
"A whole department?" I breathe. "I've barely dared dream of such a thing."
"I'm just passing along the info," Noelle says.
"But I think you should apply. I'm being selfish, by the way.
Since you showed up, Riley has been…a whole new man.
When you were gone, he was miserable. Unbearable, almost. And since you've been back, he's been on cloud nine.
We all love you for him. And we love you for you.
We want you around. You're ours, now, sweetie. "
Riley kisses my knuckles. "You're where you belong."
I sling my arms around his neck, gaze up at his face, bathed in the glow of the Christmas lights. His hands clutch my waist, and his smile is bright, contented, full of love as he stares down at me.
"Now I am where I belong," I say. "With you."
"Jesus fucking Christ, Riley, kiss the woman already!" Nyx shouts.
I laugh, but then the laughter is stolen as his mouth slants across mine, and I barely hear the wolf-whistles and the cheering from his—from our—friends and family.
When we part, I keep my hands tangled together behind his neck. "I am going to have to thank the Crenshaws for denying me that funding," I murmur. "They changed the course of my life in doing so."
"I'm gonna buy them the biggest fruit basket there is," he says. "Or maybe one of those giant wreaths."
I laugh. "I think a thank you would suffice."
Whatever response Riley was about to offer is lost when Nyx reappears from somewhere with two bottles of champagne and a stack of red plastic cups, and there's laughter as Nyx fires the cork at Riley, the two playfully wrestling and spilling champagne, until Ember snags the bottle from Nyx and starts pouring, and then somehow it's a party in the little square.
Children appear from the street, and someone has a thermos of hot cocoa, and people I don't know are congratulating me.
My plastic cup of champagne never seems to empty no matter how much I drink, and I find myself tipsy and clinging to Riley for balance.
Riley kisses me until I'm breathless, and now that everyone around us is occupied, no one notices. "You said yes," he whispers.
"I did say yes." I gaze up at him. "Did you fear I would not?"
He shrugs. "I…yeah, a little. I was scared out of my mind. You're the most amazing woman I've ever known, and I just…fuck, I love you."
"Did you plan it?" I ask.
He tilts his head to the side in a noncommittal gesture. "I texted Fee before I jumped in the shower. He passed me the ring while the choir was singing. I had no idea he brought everyone." He hesitates. "I hadn’t planned on it being a group thing."
I touch his lips. "They are your family. Your joy is theirs. And this is…" I look around. "The best day of my life. The best Christmas. I could not be happier, Riley."
"I just…when you asked if this was the life I wanted, with you, that clinched it, because I knew the answer and I couldn't wait another second to ask."
I lift on my toes and nuzzle his ear. "When can we go home and…celebrate?"
He grins, chuckles, dips to kiss me, and then murmurs in my ear. "Why, Cadence Creswell, are you propositioning me?"
"Yes I am, Riley Crowe of Three Rivers." I nip his earlobe. "I am excited to be Cadence Crowe, MD, wife of Riley Crowe. Your wife." I trace the shell of his ear with my tongue. "Take me home and make me yours, my love. Please?"
"As you wish," he murmurs.
We slip away, trudging through the snow-hushed streets. The glow of Three Rivers fades behind us into a dim yellow smear, the sounds of laughter and music distant now.
The lightness in my heart is here to stay, I think.
Riley put it there. This place put it there.
These people—his brother, his friends. His love.
His acceptance of me exactly as I am—stimming, hyperfixations, strange habits, odd speech patterns, freezes, freak-outs, panic attacks, all of it. He just accepts me.
I always wondered how I would ever find someone to love all that I am. How I would find someone who could love me despite all that.
It turns out that I was thinking about it wrong. He doesn't love me despite my ASD—he loves me because of it.
It is me. It is not all that I am, but it is part of me. I need not change it, hide it, or think I need to be fixed.
It is a blessing so great I cannot express the joy it brings me.
We walk through the swirl of snow, and for the first time in my life, I indulge in something I never thought I'd get to do:
Daydream about my wedding day.