Chapter 36
Corinne wasn’t sure how long she stood in the shower, her mind racing. The blood had come off easily enough, and now she let the water rush over her until it ran cold, as if it could drown her before the grief would.
Aryel. Danai. Nik. Iliana. She was leaving them all, and she doubted she’d have the chance to say goodbye.
She closed her eyes and cut the water off.
She stood on a precipice of despair, and she couldn’t let herself tumble down if she was going to keep a collected exterior in front of Chala.
Surely there was some way to convince them to let her stay here.
Guilt and shame tore at her insides. You’ve strayed and chosen hedonism over devotion.
Corinne dried off and dressed in a trance, Chala helping her with the armor—it was easier to wear it rather than travel with it for hours. A lump formed in Corinne’s throat when she thought about her arrival weeks ago, and how she would’ve given anything on that day for another assignment.
Now she would give anything to stay. She felt like her chest would cave in every time she pictured Aryel’s face.
But what had she been thinking, anyway? Aryel was the prince, and she was his guard.
Whatever this was between them might not be heretical in the eyes of Helaera, but it certainly wouldn’t be acceptable to the Lightguards, and the king and queen would surely dismiss it as another of the prince’s fleeting indulgences, if not a sordid scandal.
Corinne was not a suitable partner for the heir of Ashera.
That truth hurt more than she expected it to, nearly knocking her breathless as Chala fastened the ties on her pauldron.
“There you are,” she said. “The rest of your things are packed and ready. We should head to the stables.”
To the stables. Corinne fought back tears.
A knock came at her door, and Corinne walked to answer it with heavy feet. The sight of Danai, Iliana, and Nik on the other side nearly made her knees buckle.
“Corinne,” Nik said, his face full of empathy.
Danai wasn’t their usual bright, chipper self, their eyes immediately going behind Corinne, no doubt landing on Priestess Chala.
Corinne stared at them all. Do not cry.
“Who is this?” Priestess Chala asked, approaching the door, and Corinne cleared her throat.
“Danai Mykotas, Iliana Calais, and Nik Ekhana,” Corinne said, forcing a neutral smile to her face. “Danai and Iliana are guards who have partnered with me in my mission here. Nik is Captain Ekhana’s son and a librarian of the highest order.”
Priestess Chala gave them all a polite smile and nod. “May Helaera bless you all.”
“We hoped to see Corinne off,” Nik said. The deference in his tone was impressive.
“Then you have arrived just in time,” Chala said. “I’m afraid she must depart at once. Come, Corinne.”
The Priestess handed Corinne her bag before stepping past her friends and into the alcove. They waited until she’d just disappeared around the corner onto the breezeway before all three of them threw their arms around Corinne at once. Her armor made it terribly awkward, but she cared little.
“I don’t know when I’ll see you again,” she whispered.
Danai squeezed around her ribs. “One day,” they said. “We promise.”
“Can we write to you?” Nik asked.
“Of course you can,” Corinne said, her voice strained.
They released her, and Corinne hastily wiped a tear away, offering them all a sad smile before hurrying after Chala.
She couldn’t stay. But the ache to do so built behind her ribs as she walked through the corridors behind Priestess Chala. Aryel’s face floated through her mind again, and she thought she might choke.
She had to find a way to return. Perhaps her new assignment would be a traveling one, and she could make detours in Vytanos like Vera had.
“Priestess Chala,” Corinne said as they approached a staircase. “Is there not still a threat here? Is it truly wise for me to leave now?”
“That’s why we have the others staying, dear,” Chala said, taking Corinne’s hand and squeezing it.
“You heard Mother Creita—you’re needed at the monastery to help lead others.
You’ve overcome many trials here and now Helaera calls you to an even greater purpose.
We honor your efforts, Corinne. You’re on the right path to redemption. ”
Corinne swallowed hard, and that ever-present knot in her chest squeezed at her heart.
It was everything she’d ever wanted—to be respected and held in high esteem by her people, by her family.
What kind of Lightguard was she, to be so fickle that a lifelong aspiration now fell flat as it was laid before her?
But if they found out about her sleeping with Aryel, it would all crumble at her feet.
He wouldn’t tell anyone what they’d done, but could she live with herself amongst the Lightguards, knowing the disdain they would have for her if they knew the truth?
She would be right back where she’d started, terrified every moment that someone would discover a shameful secret.
The sun was high in the sky when she and Chala reached the stables. Corinne stood numbly behind the Priestess as she argued with the stablemaster over a suitable horse for Corinne. One hadn’t yet been prepared and saddled for departure.
“…Yes, I will show you which is preferred. Goddess, this should have already been communicated. Wait here, Corinne.”
Corinne managed a nod, deeply apathetic about Chala’s choice of horse. The stablemaster led her down the stables, pointing to several stalls, and Corinne stayed rooted to the spot.
A low whistle had her turning her head to the right, and Corinne’s heart cracked open. Aryel stood in the doorframe of a storage room filled with grooming supplies. She looked to Chala and the stablemaster, well out of earshot now, and hurried over to him.
“Ari, what are you doing here?”
He shut the door behind her and pulled her close. “I had to see you. I paid off the stablemaster to distract her for a few minutes.”
Corinne huffed a humorless laugh, wrapping her arms around him for a moment.
“How long will you be gone?” he asked, leaning back.
“I don’t know,” she whispered.
Aryel’s brow furrowed, and her heart fractured further. “What do you mean?”
“They’re giving me another assignment.”
The shock that played across his face sent knives into her chest. “Why?”
“They said I excelled in my duty here, and they wish to assign me elsewhere in Ashera.”
“That makes no sense,” he said, shaking his head. “There’s still a threat here. Why are they making you leave?”
“They—” Corinne cut off. Do not speak of it to anyone here. She fought the compulsion to obey that command. “They said they have important information to tell me when I return. I have to go.”
“The hells you do,” Aryel said, his hands going to her face. “I’m sure my parents could convince them to keep you here—”
“Ari,” Corinne said, wrapping a hand around one of his arms. “I can’t just disobey them. They’re…they’re all I have.”
He looked almost as if she’d struck him. “That isn’t true.”
“But it is. I’m a Lightguard.”
“You’re more than that,” he said, his eyes burning into hers. “Corinne, I…last night was not just a fleeting tryst for me. I meant everything I said. I want to keep you safe, and you are not safe with them.”
Tears welled and spilled over before she could stop them. “I…I don’t know what to think or what to believe anymore.”
“Believe me when I say I want your happiness,” he said. “And it’s okay if you’re afraid. I care about you so much it scares the hells out of me.”
This man was going to break her into a thousand pieces. “Aryel—”
“Corinne,” he said, touching his forehead to hers. “Please. Stay.”
She sobbed quietly. “What would this have become, anyway? I’m your guard. You’re the prince.”
“Fuck my title. All I know is you’re the most extraordinary person I’ve ever met,” he said, his voice thick. “And I’ve never wanted anything more than to find out what this could become.”
Corinne knew she shouldn’t, knew it would only make things more painful, but she lifted her chin to press her lips to his.
Aryel threaded his fingers through her hair and kissed her back like his life depended on it.
How was it possible to feel such joy and grief at the same time?
Aryel cared for her just as much as she cared for him, was ready to do anything for her.
Corinne had much to untangle in her own heart, but she knew he’d have a place in it from now on. She held on to that, to the hope that she could return before long, that she could figure out some way to keep him in her life, as she pulled away from him.
“I have to go,” she said, the words like poison on her tongue.
Before he could convince her to linger any longer, she opened the door and hurried out of the storage room.
“Corinne.”
After checking that Priestess Chala was still speaking with the stablemaster out of earshot, Corinne turned to Aryel. The tears in his eyes ripped her heart in half.
“Stay safe,” was all he said.
“You too.” Everything you feel, I feel it back.
Corinne wasn’t sure how she could commit her heart to Helaera if there wasn’t much of it left. As she left the stables, the largest pieces of it remained with two guards, a librarian, and a prince.