Chapter Thirty-Eight - Lucky
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
Steaming hot water pours from the showerhead, but I barely feel the heat. My entire body shivers with a chill I can’t shake, and my heart thuds heavy against my chest cavity.
The air in my lungs is thin, making breathing more than a little difficult.
I’m already on my knees in the shower, my hand pressed against the tile to steady myself.
I force an inhale and then a slow exhale through my nostrils. Just breathe. My jaw is clenched so tightly, I’m sure it will ache tomorrow, but all I can do is try to breathe and wait for this to pass.
I don’t know how long it lasts, but when the panic attack finally subsides, I’m near dizzy with relief and exhaustion.
I can breathe again, but my mind isn’t through with me yet. It’s like there’s a dozen trains in my head, all zooming down tracks in different directions, only narrowly avoiding collision. They’re moving so fast, it’s hard to make sense of all the emotions gripping my heart.
I’m flooded with images of my accident, but there are other images, too. Becca laughing at something I said, her head tipped back. The smile she gives me, full and real—the one that no one else gets to see. The flush in her cheeks when I touch her.
But there’s more: Dozer’s announcement about the final challenge.
As soon as he announced the challenge, I knew what I had to do. It’s exactly the kind of idea Lucky DeLucca is known for.
Yet, when I got into the shower, mulling over the logistics, the air in the room started to evaporate and I ended up on my knees, gasping for breath.
Reaching over to the faucet, I turn the water off and stagger to my feet. A fluffy white towel sits on the counter, and I wrap myself in it and rub a hand down my face.
My fingers graze the pulse point in my neck, and it flutters wildly beneath the pad of my thumb.
In the past, people have accused me of being an adrenaline junkie, and I’ve never really bothered to deny it. Mainly because there is some truth to it. I’ve always loved the rush of danger, the way every sense in my body becomes heightened, and the rapid beating of my heart.
But the ca-thud, ca-thud, ca-thud echoing in my ears right now isn’t satisfying or exhilarating. It’s a reality check—even if I don’t want it to be.
“Nope,” I mutter, digging through my suitcase for fresh clothes. “Nope, nope, nope.” I can’t let myself go there. I don’t want to even think about it, so I dress quickly and reach for my laptop, shoving every thought out of my head save for one.
There’s only the final challenge left until the competition is over. Against all odds, Becca and I are tied for first place. We may have screwed up any chance of being together, but we still have a shot at winning.
And I have a video to make.
—
“Five minutes!” A voice calls out over the backstage loudspeaker. “Five minutes until places!”
It’s calmer than I expected backstage, quiet even. Even though we’re just minutes away from the start of the final live show, no one from the Starlight crew seems nervous or stressed. I guess they’re used to this sort of thing.
My stomach keeps threatening to leap out of my body and flop around like a fish out of water. I’m more nervous now than I’ve ever been—which is kind of surprising given everything I’ve done for my channel.
Gripping a water bottle, I take a big swig, nearly dropping the cap in the process.
All the finalists are waiting for the show to begin, but whatever sense of friendly camaraderie existed before is gone now.
The air is tangibly tense, and it’s pretty obvious I’m not the only one feeling it.
Evie, Iris, and Skai stand stoically next to each other wearing identical “I think I’m gonna hurl” expressions, and Sean is pacing back and forth.
Ross has a death grip on his PSP and for once, he’s not playing it.
Even Ziven’s nerves are showing, and a frown drags down his features.
I haven’t seen Becca yet, but I know she’s in the wings somewhere.
It’s been nearly two days since we last spoke, and I’m aching to see her.
I know I should find her and try to talk to her before the show starts, but there’s so much I need to say and I don’t want to say it anywhere near a camera.
I should’ve just talked to her back at the hotel, but I was so confused about everything.
My heart was screaming at me, and I panicked and said nothing.
I regret it now, but I’m hoping once she sees my video, she’ll understand.
“Alright, finalists, it’s time!” A Starlight producer claps her hands, waving us onto the stage, which has been completely transformed.
There are several plush loveseats, one for each team, arranged on one side of the stage, and a huge, ornate-looking chair for Dozer on the other side.
A massive screen has been suspended in between the two seating areas.
I take my seat but there’s still no sign of Becca.
“We’re going live in one minute, people!” The producer calls out. Dozer emerges from the wings of the stage, his suit sparkling. Like literally sparkling. The man has so many sequins on his jacket, they could hang him like a mirror ball from the ceiling.
I jerk my head back and forth, but still no Becca.
Where are you, Holly G? I don’t want to think about how I’m going to explain it to the audience if she’s a no-show, but worse, I don’t want to think about what it means for my heart.
Sucking in a ragged breath, I straighten my tie and try to still my shaking hands.
Right as the curtain begins to lift, Becca plops down on the sofa next to me. She’s wearing a strapless lavender dress and she looks so beautiful, I forget how to breathe.
“Hi,” she says softly, not meeting my gaze.
I don’t have time to answer because a dozen overhead spotlights ignite, bathing the stage in brilliant white as the curtain opens.
Dozer greets the crowd, launching into a recap of the competition. The auditorium is packed, and people seem excited, laughing and cheering along to Dozer’s spiel.
I tune them out. “Hey,” I whisper, trying not to be too obvious. “You okay?”
Becca gives me a slight nod, still refusing to look at me.
My stomach turns over again. I’m so focused on not completely hurling my guts up, that I miss Dozer’s re-explanation of the final challenge, as well as Sean and Iris’s videos.
All I can do is sit there in a haze on the couch, using every ounce of strength I have to hold my shit together.
“Alright, and next up, we have Becca Evans and Lucky DeLucca!”
The sound of our names snaps me out of the head fog, and I manage a smile and a wave for the audience. Becca waves, too, but there’s a tremor in her hand.
“Ladies first, Ms. Evans!” Dozer says to her. “Do you want to introduce your video or say a few words before we air the video?”
Becca shakes her head. “No, I think it speaks for itself.”
The crowd murmurs at that, and even Dozer seems a little surprised by her response. “Well, by all means then,” he says, waving a hand to signal the tech crew to roll the footage.
Becca’s face comes into view on the screen, and my heart lurches at the sight of her red-rimmed eyes, the streaks of black on her cheeks. In the footage, she looks as if she’s been crying her eyes out, and it absolutely guts me.
“Hi,” the on-screen Becca says into the camera. “My name is Becca Evans. Most of you know me as Becca from Smoke and Makeup Mirrors.” She takes a deep, uneven breath before continuing. “I have a confession to make.”
The perspective of the video changes and clips from Becca’s past videos begin to play. “I’ve been a beauty influencer for eight years now,” she narrates. “When I first started my platform, it was something that brought me a lot of joy. But it doesn’t any longer, and I want to tell you why.”
The clips continue to play as voiceover Becca explains how being an influencer comes with a tremendous amount of pressure from the public, and how difficult it is to try and please every single supporter and follower.
While she doesn’t go into detail about it, she goes on to mention that her personal and home life took a major turn during the last few years, but she never felt like she could talk about it or address it, especially since by that point, her fans had come to expect certain things from her.
On top of that, she explains how she’d come to rely on her content for both monetization and validation.
“I hate to admit that,” voiceover Becca explains, “but it’s true.
My platform has become such a huge part of my life.
Some days it’s hard to know where my content ends and I begin.
I’ve thought about walking away, but I don’t know who I am without all of this.
I thought if I just kept going, I’d be okay.
It’s easy to pretend when the camera is on, to only show the highlight reel, but when the camera is off, my problems still find me.
And you know what’s the worst part? I’m starting to feel like I’m losing her for good, the girl I really am behind the screen. ”
The montage continues, but the clips change. Instead of footage from her past videos, I see my face appear on the screen. Clips from the videos we made earlier in the competition flash by along with footage from the challenges and a bunch of footage I’ve never seen before.
“I can’t deny that being a content creator has given me so many incredible opportunities and the chance to meet some truly amazing people. I will forever be grateful for that.”
The camera zooms in on a clip of Becca and I laughing together, and a song starts to play, like a soundtrack for a film.
When the lead vocalist from Train begins singing the opening lyrics to Drops of Jupiter, everything inside me cracks open, and I don’t know how much longer I can sit still.
“When you find something real, something so perfectly wonderful that you wake up every day thinking you imagined it, you have to hold on to it and never let it go.” Becca’s voiceover drifts over the music, the soft cadence of her words like a melody blending with the song.
The montage fades away and Becca’s face fills the screen. She’s wearing the exact same dress in the video that she’s wearing now. In fact, it looks as if she filmed this particular part of the video today.
“I don’t know how to say this, so I’ll just come out with it.” Becca on screen takes a deep breath. Beside me, real life Becca does the same.
“Being a beauty influencer has changed my life. I will never stop being thankful to everyone who has supported me along the way, but I’ve realized something.
I shouldn’t do something just because everyone else expects me to.
I shouldn’t continue doing something that no longer brings me joy.
And I especially shouldn’t do it because it’s a band-aid to my problems. Someone really important told me that I needed to face the truth and stop being afraid of it.
So that’s what I’m doing right now. I, Becca Evans hereby withdraw from the Starlight Challenge, and I would also like this video to serve as my official retirement from content creation.
Thank you all for everything. Don’t forget you’re beautiful inside and out. ”
On screen Becca blows a kiss to the camera, her bright red lips parted in a sweet smile, and then with a wave, she’s gone and the screen goes black.