26. I’m not the one to go insane, but I’ll keep walking to my grave
26
I’m not the one to go insane, but I’ll keep walking to my grave
Moth
I laid there for a long time, bathed in moonlight and staring out the window at what remained of the storm clouds, floating lazily across the bloated face of the moon and throwing me into brief periods of deep shadow. I laid there for so long that the cold chill had seeped into my bones, sending a deep pulse of pain radiating up my spine.
I wanted to melt into the floor, to seep into the wooden boards and dissolve away from the world—this reality.
I wanted to wake up.
This was a dream, right? I was dreaming.
I had to be.
I struggled to sit up, and I felt the pain of his bites across my throat and the mess that leaked from inside me, smearing across my thighs until they were slick and sticky. There was no denying it now. This was the harsh slap of reality, and I had no one to blame but myself.
Since the beginning, he’d only done what he said. He was a man of his word, and I was stupid enough to think that I was smarter than him. I wasn’t.
His seed clung to me like a salty, sticky reminder of my arrogance and stupidity. I was utterly humiliated.
How could I be so stupid?
Now, I could be stupid… and pregnant.
And I still didn’t fucking know who he was.
I let him fuck me, and I didn’t even know his name.
When I finally managed to stand up, the cold bit into me, seeping through my clothes and into my skin. A wave of nausea washed over me, and I leaned against the wall, my breath coming in shallow gasps, my stomach sucking in and hollow. I wondered if I was about to be sick. I felt like I was being torn apart from the inside.
Gripping the sides of the tower, I tried to focus on the uneven surface, the worn stone, my hands shaking as I gripped the banister and tried to make my way downstairs.
The stairs creaked beneath my feet as I stumbled down, my vision swimming, each step a struggle. I cursed myself internally as I navigated the spiral staircase, my body heavy and weighed down by the guilt and shame of what had happened. Each step brought me closer to the ground, and the darkness outside threatened to swallow me whole. Finally, I made it to the bottom, and I stumbled off the stairs, smoothing my hands down the front of my dress as I stared at the closed door .
I had to walk out there and act like I was fine. I had to make it believable.
I grabbed the handle and pulled, and the moment the door swung open, a rush of pounding music and strobing lights hit me in the face. I blinked against the onslaught and slipped into the ballroom, my head down and my fists clutching the sides of my dress. I barely made it to the table when Amelia appeared behind me, and her terrified voice had to fight to reach my ears.
“Vanessa?! What happened? You’ve been gone for like an hour! I’ve been looking for you, and I—”
When I turned and looked at her, something broke inside of me, and I dissolved in her arms. Shocked, she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into her chest, where the smell of her perfume and her warmth enveloped me in a comforting embrace that I leaned into, desperate.
“Are you okay?” she asked, a hand on my cheek.
It reminded me way too much of him, and I pulled away.
“C-can we go home?” I asked, tears slicing through my voice until it hung in tattered ribbons.
“Of course, sweetheart,” Amelia said, her voice filled with concern. “We’ll go home. Let’s go.”
She took me by the arm and led me through the crowd, the music fading into the background as I tried to process everything that had happened. I couldn’t believe how quickly my life had changed.
She led me out of the ballroom and back into the crisp night air, her arm wrapped around my shoulders as I stumbled along beside her. The cold air bit at my skin, but I barely felt it. As I stumbled down the stairs, tears blurred my vision, and I had to cling to her to stay upright. At the bottom of the stairs, Tommy sat leaning against the metal railing, wearing nothing but a white dress shirt and black slacks. He didn’t look up as we passed.
Just as well. I didn’t want him to know.
I didn’t want anyone to know.
We climbed into the car, the engine roaring to life as I tried to compose myself. I glanced at Amelia, her eyes full of questions that I wasn’t ready to answer. Instead, I focused on the world outside the car window; the moon hanging full on the horizon, shrouded in a dull yellow glow that marked the harvest.
The weight of tonight hung between Amelia and me like a heavy mist. She reached over and took my hand, her touch reassuring but also so heavy somehow.
“Ness?” she asked gently, squeezing my hand. “You okay?”
“I… don’t know,” I told her honestly, and then I fell quiet.
I didn’t know what else to say.
Pulling away, she sighed, threw the Escalade into reverse, and we were off.
I stared at the darkness, watching as the town whipped past the window, and then gave way to the treeline. Before long, we pulled down the long, winding driveway, dipping and weaving through pothole after pothole.
We pulled up out front, and she flipped the key off, the engine falling quiet around us. The silence was deafening. Even the crickets outside were uncharacteristically quiet.
Mocking me. They were all mocking my stupidity, and I deserved it.
“Nessie?” she asked. “What happened? ”
I sighed, and when I inhaled, it came in a sharp, sucking breath.
“I found him,” I said simply, turning to look at her with a shrug.
Giving me a sad smile, she gently pulled my mask up and off my face.
“Yeah?” she said
“Y-yeah.”
“Did you get a good look at him? Who is he?”
I shook my head.
“I didn’t get a chance.”
She looked visibly saddened, and tears welled in my eyes. I let her down.
“So…” she trailed off. “What happened?”
I swallowed hard and looked away. Maybe I could say it if I didn’t look at her.
“He… he found me,” I whispered, my voice barely a whisper. “We were alone in the tower, and he kissed me, and I just—”
“Did he hurt you?”
“No. Nothing like that.” I shook my head. But was that the truth?
He hadn’t hurt me… really. Not in the way she must be thinking.
But it was a different kind of pain. A seed of fear, of powerlessness, and the looming reminder that I had failed. I didn’t know how to process it yet.
Why was I upset?
I didn’t know, really.
I knew that I was terrified, but I couldn’t be mad at him, or even upset. After all, he’d only done the one thing he’d warned me he would do all along, and I had not only gone along with it, I had urged him on .
“Vanessa, are you sure? You can tell me. I promise not to judge you,” Amelia said softly, putting a comforting hand on my shoulder. “Did he hurt you?”
I felt a pang as I met her sincere expression, and honestly, I didn’t know how much more I could take.
“No. I mean, yes? No! I don’t know. I don’t know what happened.” I shook my head, tears forming in my eyes. Reaching up, I ran my fingers through my hair, shaking fingers finding every one of the bobby pins and pulling them out, one by one. I needed something to keep my mind occupied.
“Start from the beginning. He took you to the tower?”
“Mhmm.”
“And he kissed you?”
I sighed, still working on taking my hair down. I nodded, and she continued.
“And then he used his fingers, and he ripped out my IUD, and then he fucked me, and left me there,” I said, the anger in my voice so thick it was palpable.
Her reaction was exactly what I thought it would be.
She gasped, her eyes widening in shock.
I could see the disbelief in her eyes, the realization as everything I said hit home.
“Vanessa,” she whispered, her voice shaking. “I’m so sorry. That’s… that’s rape. You know that, don’t you?”
I closed my eyes, fighting back the tears that threatened to spill over.
“No, it wasn’t, Amelia. ”
I shoved open the door and jumped out, slamming the door shut behind me as I moved toward the door, reaching into my purse to find the keys. I fumbled with them, dropping them twice before she made it up onto the stairs beside me, a look of concern creasing her face.
“Yes, it is! Vanessa, that’s assault!”
“No! It wasn’t!”
I threw the door open so hard that it slammed against the wall behind it with a resounding bang that shook the house. With a sound like a gunshot, the stained glass above the door shivered and cracked, a deep line that ran through the roses and vines etched in the glass.
I was angry. I was so fucking angry, but why? Why was I angry?
Turning, I whipped my purse off my shoulder and launched it across the room, where it slammed against the wall, the contents exploding outward and clattering to the floor.
I was so mad. I was so fucking mad, and I couldn’t explain why.
Amelia stood frozen in the doorway, her hands reaching out toward me as if to comfort or restrain me, but she didn’t know which. Her blue eyes were wide and full of hurt, and when I finally saw them I stood panting in the foyer, feeling the anger draining out of me like water from a buckshot bucket.
“Ness?” she said, taking a single, tentative step toward me. Finally, her arms fell limp, her hands swinging at her sides. “What do you want me to do? I don’t know what you want me to say or how to feel. I don’t know why you’re mad. ”
I sighed, my hands pulling down my face and coming to rest against my collarbone, fingers curling in the collar still clasped around my neck.
“I’m sorry, Amelia. I don’t know what I want either. I just… I feel…” I trailed off.
I was ashamed, humiliated, and so incredibly angry. The more I tried to understand what was happening inside me, the more confusing it became.
“I’m angry because I failed. I was so close! I was so fucking close, but I got caught up in-in… him, and what he was doing. I don’t know why he makes me so stupid, and so fucking desperate and pathetic ,” I said finally, a noise of anger rumbling in my throat. “And I guess I’m angry… because I’m scared.”
“And you’re scared because you could get pregnant?” Amelia ventured, her voice soft and sympathetic. “And you don’t even know who he is?”
“Yeah, I mean I—” I swallowed hard, choking on tears that rose in my throat. “I knew he was going to do something like that. I-I mean, you heard the video. He’s talked about…”
I stopped, shaking my head. I couldn’t say that word.
Amelia stepped closer to me, wrapping her arms around me in a comforting hug.
“I don’t know how to explain it,” I whispered, my voice breaking. “I feel like I’m drowning, Amelia. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I feel like I’m being pulled in a million different directions, and I don’t know which way is up. ”
“Come on,” Amelia said, gently pulling away and leading me up the stairs. I went with her, and only because I didn’t have the strength to fight her anymore.
“Where are we going?”
“You’re gonna take a nice, long, hot bubble bath. I’m gonna help you take your makeup off, and your hair down the rest of the way, and then I’ll help you wash it.”
“I don’t know, Amelia. I kinda just wanna go to bed.”
We made it to the top of the stairs, and Amelia grabbed me firmly, steering me toward the bathroom.
“Bath first.”
“ Why ?”
“Because sweetheart, I love you very much, but you smell like a cum rag.”
I wanted to be angry, but I didn’t have the energy. I laughed as she pushed me into the bathroom and started helping me unzip my dress.
God, how did she always do that?
Over an hour later, I felt the tension seeping out of my muscles. I lay sideways in the tub, my legs folded against the wall, and my head leaning over the edge. Just as she promised, Amelia had helped me wash my hair, and partially dry it, and now she was braiding it in careful French braids down both sides of my head.
“And then tomorrow, when it’s dry, you can take it out, and your hair will be all pretty and wavy,” she said, pulling the hair tie out from between her teeth and tying off the end of one before she started on the other .
When she finished, we sat that way for a long time, in comfortable silence. Before long, Amelia slumped down against the wall, balling up my towel and laying her head on it like a makeshift pillow.
“So,” she said. “Let’s go over what we do know.”
“Sure,” I said, swinging my legs around and righting myself in the water.
“It’s not Sheriff Banner,” she said, raising one tired finger above the line of the bathtub so I could see it. “And It’s not Carl.”
“Speaking of Carl,” I said, grinning over at her. “What’s the back of his throat taste like?”
Amelia erupted in a fit of laughter, reaching over the edge of the tub and slapping at me playfully. I dodged her easily.
“Hey, listen!” she teased me, still laughing. “I don’t wanna hear it little miss ‘oops, my stalker put a baby in me’.”
“Hey!” I gasped, giggling. I should have been offended, but I just couldn’t be.
“You liked it!”
“I did,” I said. “Not even gonna lie.”
“I’m gonna laugh so hard if he turns out to be some super ugly rookie cop or something.”
I cackled, slapping back at her. She shimmied away, still laughing.
“ That’s not funny!” I said, but I couldn’t stop the giggles.
“Yes, it is!” she countered. “Circus babies!”
We both collapsed into a fit of laughter, hiccupping and wiping tears from our eyes .
We basked in our laughter, finally calming down enough for me to feel some semblance of normal. The water had turned cold, but the warmth of Amelia’s company and true understanding of my situation was enveloping me like a cozy blanket.
“Thank you, Amelia,” I whispered. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” she replied, squeezing my hand.
I closed my eyes, finding a small amount of peace in the darkness.