Chapter 33 #2
I’m angry with myself for letting a single person burrow under my skin. But sometimes, that’s all it takes—one person to pummel everything I’ve meticulously constructed over the years.
Bruising the delicate flesh of my self-esteem.
Cracking the mirror of my self-acceptance.
Unraveling the threads of positive affirmations woven into my self-worth.
All of it can disappear without notice.
Still, I mull over the what-ifs. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, even if that reason remains elusive until much, much later.
I’m being torn apart at the seams. I’m at my breaking point, being pulled in different directions, each tug more painful than the last.
On the flight home, exhaustion takes over and I fall asleep.
“Hey, thanks for picking me up,” I say to Jack, as I hoist myself up into his truck.
My brother, who’s wearing his classic blue flannel and baseball hat, sneers.
My heart sinks. “What?”
He rips off his sunglasses. “What the hell are you wearing? Why is your hair like that?”
“Ugh.” I drop my head back against my seat. “I didn’t have time to change, and now I’m stuck in this polyester penguin uniform.”
“I don’t like it. It’s not you.”
I scoff. “You’re telling me, brother.”
He pulls away from the curb and heads toward Hemlock.
Shifting, I survey him. “Can we stop at the store for a family meeting?”
He freezes, his hands tightening on the steering wheel. “Did that roommate of yours get you—”
I put my hand up. “If you utter one more word, I’ll never take my shoes off in your pristine house again.”
He shoots me a glare. “Fine.”
Thirty minutes later, as the evening sun hangs low on the horizon, painting the storefront in shades of amber and gold, we step into A New Leaf.
“Charlie.” I shoulder my way in roughly, nearly knocking the bell above the door loose. “Family meeting.”
Jack follows behind me, his dusty work boots scuffing across the wooden floors.
“For the love of god, what do you want?” My sister appears in the doorway to the store’s back room, wiping her hands on her apron, but when her eyes land on me, she goes rigid. “What the hell are you wearing? And why are you both here? Don’t tell me that roommate of yours got you—”
“For the love of all that is holy, would you two shut up? Leave Beckett out of this.” I yank out a stool and lower myself onto it.
“Why is your hair slicked back and why are you wearing black?” Charlie screws up her face in disgust. “And why are you here?” She sends a pointed glare to Jack.
He pulls out another stool. “She wanted to have a family meeting and I was too scared to ask questions.”
My siblings look at me with matching, concerned expressions. So I spill everything, my voice trembling as I explain every worry, fear, and concern that has been bouncing around in my head.
The fear that I should be doing more with my life. The poisonous thoughts that Norma put in my head, my concerns about never being enough while also being too much. My suspicion that the employment etiquette courses are their thinly veiled attempt at reconstructing my identity.
The words spill from my lips in a breathless rush, and when I’ve gotten them all out, I slump against the counter. “Shouldn’t I want this, though? Shouldn’t I want a fancy job title and more responsibility?”
With his arms crossed over his chest, Jack studies me. “No. Not at all,” he finally says. “Jo, just because an opportunity falls into your lap doesn’t mean you’re obligated to take it. You get to choose what’s right for you.”
“But I would be leveling up, getting a salary increase.” I sigh. “I’d be growing up—”
He angles forward, elbows on the counter.
“If you took that job right now and moved to Seattle, would you look back in twenty years and be happy with your decision? Or would you regret giving up this life you truly love for a nice paycheck that you can’t do much with because you’re working too much? ”
I scrub my hands down my face, anxiety rolling through me. “I wish Dad was here to tell me what to do,” I whisper.
My brother and sister share loaded looks, silence hanging between us for too long.
Finally, Charlie takes a deep breath and shocks me by leaning over and holding my hands in hers. This must be serious because she hates physical contact of any kind.
“All my life I’ve admired you for not remaining in the boxes people put you in,” she says.
“You’ve always done things on your own terms and in your own special way.
And no matter how shitty people are to you or what kinds of obstacles life throws your way, you maintain a light that brightens up the darkest of rooms.” She licks her lips and glances at Jack, who nods, before looking back at me.
“Don’t let that light of yours dim because you feel like you have to take this job.
You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do—no matter how good it may seem on the outside.
Don’t force yourself into something that feels wrong. Got it?”
“Yeah. All of that.” Jack nods, his expression sincere.
The two of us stare at him.
“What?” he asks, his eyes going wide. “I agreed with her.”
I let out a light chuckle. “You’re a man of many words, Jackson.”
Charlie, without missing a beat, quips, “Let’s get him a dictionary for Christmas.”
“Don’t be sarcastic,” he grumbles.
“Never,” Charlie and I tease in perfect unison.
As my sister’s words resonate through me, I know what I need to do.
“Jack,” I say. “Can you drop me off at the cottage?” I need to get Poppy and get to my storage unit before the place closes for the night.