Chapter 30
THIRTY
COLE
I’ve been driving around aimlessly for hours now, with Sophie’s face constantly in front of my eyes. With her voice in my ears. And with a turmoil in my heart that almost causes me physical pain.
Sophie must have talked to Jules again because she has already tried to call me seventeen times.
I know exactly what she wants and that I’m a damn coward for ignoring her, but I need time.
A few hours to myself to sort out my thoughts.
But since I just can’t manage that, I pull over somewhere in the middle of nowhere and kill the engine.
I take my phone from the center console and dial Jules’s number because I can’t run away from her forever. Instead of greeting me, she immediately yells, but I’m already used to that from her.
"What the hell is wrong with you? I’ve been trying to reach you for hours. Where the fuck are you?"
Leaning my head back, I close my eyes. "No idea. Somewhere."
Jules makes an annoyed sound. "As soon as I’m done with you, you get your ass home and fix this, got it?"
I let the back of my head slam against the headrest before responding to her tirade. "How, Jules? How am I supposed to fix this?"
With a sigh and a slightly softer voice, she shows me that she has already gotten rid of most of her anger. "By finally stopping feeling sorry for yourself."
"How is that going to make up for kissing her?" I ask gruffly, opening my eyes and looking outside.
Instantly, she turns into the little terror she’s always been. "Goddamn… Are you really that stupid, or are you just pretending? It’s not the kiss you should feel sorry for."
Confused, I shake my head, though she can’t see it. "Then what the hell are you talking about?"
"I’m talking about you trying to kick her out! That you told her to leave. What the fuck was that about?"
I have no strength to explain to her that Sophie cannot stay with me.
That I don’t trust myself, and that she deserves way more than what I could ever give her.
Because that would be nothing. I can’t give her anything because I have nothing left to give.
I’m empty. Hollowed out. Already dead inside.
And Jules should know that better than anyone.
After all, she’s the only person I haven’t been able to scare away and who knows my every mistake.
She sighs audibly when I don’t say anything back. "Cole… Stop it. I’m begging you, stop telling yourself that you don’t deserve to be happy. Because that’s bullshit."
Her voice is serious now, almost sad, which in turn makes me angrier because I can’t stand the thought of her being upset.
"I know how hard this is for you. But you have to stop. You’ve tortured yourself long enough, and I won’t allow it anymore. I won’t just stand by and watch you tear yourself apart."
"But Milena—"
"Milena is dead, yes. And no one expects you to forget her or stop grieving for her. But you have to quit blaming yourself for her death. You have to. Because if you don’t, you might as well lie down with her. And she wouldn’t want that. None of us wants that."
It’s not Jules’s unsparing words or the memories of Milena that make it hard for me to breathe.
It’s the fact that she’s right. And I know it.
Deep down, I’ve always known it, but I’ve given so much power to the pain and the sorrow for so long that I can’t escape them anymore.
I got lost in the anger until I lost everything of myself because of it.
And now I don’t even know who I am or what to do anymore.
"I don’t know how," I confess quietly, my voice rough with a rasp.
When Jules responds, I picture her face contorting in a pleading expression. "By allowing someone to get close to you. Stop pushing Sophie away. She doesn’t deserve that."
I let out a mocking laugh. "She doesn’t deserve someone like me."
A loud tsk precedes her next words. "When will it finally get through your birdbrain that you’re not as bad as you think?
You’re not mommy-in-law’s darling; we all get that.
But there’s not just black and white. And Sophie knows that.
Not to mention that she sees you with no prejudice at all.
She sees who you are, not who you think you are.
Besides, she can decide for herself whether you’re good enough for her or not. "
I swallow against the tightness in my throat, forcing out an inarticulate, joyless laugh. "Dammit, Jules… When did you become such a fucking smart-ass?"
Instead of answering me, she gives me one last verbal slap. "Get your ass home right fucking now, or I’ll get on the next plane and beat the shit out of you."
I merely sigh because it’s pointless to argue with her when she’s like this. Especially when she’s right.
"Fix this, Cole."
As I turn into the abandoned industrial area and approach the warehouse, I spot Sophie immediately. She’s standing in the open doorway, holding Buster’s leash with her arm stretched out as the dog sniffs at a tuft of weeds growing from the torn-up concrete ten feet away.
As soon as she hears the pickup, she lifts her head and looks in my direction.
I know she can’t see me because of the reflection of the sky in the windshield, but still, it feels like she’s looking down to the bottom of my damned soul.
Shortly after, I stop a few yards away from her, turn off the engine, and get out.
"You’re back," she says, toneless, after I slam the door behind me.
I nod, but I can’t quite bring myself to close the gap that separates me from her. Instead, I just stare at her, wondering what I should say or do.
Coming from Jules, it all sounded pretty damn easy, but it’s certainly not.
I can’t help myself. I can’t just pretend that everything is fine.
As if I don’t think this is all a fucking mistake.
So I just stand there and look at Sophie as she looks back, while it kills me not to know what she’s thinking.
After what feels like minutes of neither of us saying a word, she blinks a few times before straightening her shoulders. "Are you going to leave again?"
"No."
"Do you still want me to leave?"
She says it in a calm, firm voice, but I can see the fear in her eyes and how afraid she is that I’ll make my words from the day before come true.
I force myself to shake my head. "No. I don’t."
Sophie tries to hide her relief, but she doesn’t quite manage it.
"I’m so sorry, little darling. I shouldn’t have—"
"Don’t." She interrupts me. "Please don’t say it again."
She lowers her gaze as if she can no longer bear to look me in the eye.
Immediately, I hate myself even more. She seems to believe I’m about to say how much I regret the kiss. Again. But I’m not. God, no… How could I? It was perfect. She was perfect. Only a complete fool would regret that kiss.
I finally start walking toward her, wanting to make that perfectly clear, but she doesn’t let me get a word out.
"It’s okay," she says quickly, staring stubbornly at the ground between us. "It was stupid of me to think it meant anything to you."
"Hey. Look at me."
When she doesn’t respond, I place a finger under her chin and tilt her head up with light pressure because seeing her like this breaks my heart.
"It wasn’t stupid," I clarify when she finally looks at me. "I’m sorry I said the kiss was wrong."
She looks up at me with sad eyes because she doesn’t believe me. And I can’t even blame her. Not after I acted like a complete jerk.
"It wasn’t a mistake. I shouldn’t have said that."
My hand lifts to brush a strand of hair from her face, then rests against her neck as if of its own accord so that my thumb grazes her cheek. Her soft skin feels like coming home, but her gaze is so sad that a sharp pang shoots through my chest.
"So you don’t regret it?"
I shake my head. "No. I don’t regret it. Not at all."
"Are you going to kiss me again?"
Of course she’s asking that. After all, this is Sophie standing in front of me, dammit. Sophie, who asked me that night, which feels like decades ago, if I’m a serial killer. If she wants to know something, she just asks.
"Not like this," I answer honestly, stroking her cheek with my thumb one last time before lowering my hand. "Not without asking for your permission first."
A barely visible frown flits across her features. "But you will?"
I lower my eyes because a smile tugs at my lips.
Instead of answering her, I reach around her, close the heavy steel door, and take the leash from her hand.
"Come on. Let’s take Buster into the woods so he can pee on something other than that stupid bush.
" Then I turn away and head for the pickup because otherwise I’ll have to kiss her right then and there.