Chapter 35 Sophie
THIRTY-FIVE
SOPHIE
Cole’s expression shows disbelief, but his eyes say something entirely different. They don’t glow, they burn. And that, in turn, sets me on fire.
Everything inside me tingles and tightens and… wants. I don’t care at all that I have no idea what I want. I only know that I need it and that Cole can give it to me.
"I’ve had enough of others deciding what’s good for me and what’s not," I say as tears well up in my eyes. "My whole life has been like this. I don’t want it anymore."
And it’s true. I’m so tired of both my mother and Cole constantly telling me what I can and can’t do and what is good and bad and right and wrong.
For almost eighteen years, I haven’t been able to make my own decisions.
Even my first kiss was something externally determined.
I would never hold that against Cole because it was the best first kiss I can imagine, but this has to stop.
I want to follow the voice in my head and listen to my body, which seems to be made of nothing but wanting right now.
That’s desire, I realize as a wave of this feeling rolls over me.
My body aches for Cole, and I can’t and won’t deny it that desire.
Because even though what I’ve been taught about intimacy has disturbed me, I can’t deny that being kissed by Cole wasn’t the least bit scary or even awful.
It was overwhelming. Shattering. He threw my world off its axis and left me aching for more. More kisses, more desire, more Cole.
"Let me decide for myself," I beg while Cole’s still looking at me with wide eyes. "Please."
He blinks a few times before drawing his brows together.
Then he turns onto his side and props himself up on one elbow, using his other hand’s thumb to gently stroke my cheek, where I can feel the tears that have escaped from my eyes.
"You don’t know what you’re talking about," he murmurs as his gaze slides over my face.
His words frustrate me because they only reinforce the feeling of not knowing anything. "How should I know?" I bring forth with a mixture of anger and despair. "How am I supposed to know what I’m talking about if no one lets me figure it out for myself?"
Cole’s fingers pause as his features become something resembling pain. He lowers his head and closes his eyes, inhaling and exhaling audibly, but saying nothing in return.
But then I get it. I understand why he rejects me, and the realization hits me like a flood of ice water while shame overcomes me.
"You… you don’t want me."
The feeling tightens my throat and stabs at my heart, which is why I close my eyes. For the first time in my life, I dared to speak up for myself and clearly demand what I desire, but Cole… doesn’t desire me.
I want to turn my head away, but his hand on my cheek stops me. "Don’t do that, darling."
Don’t pretend I’m wrong, I scream in my head, but the words don’t make it past my lips because I’m so ashamed, thinking Cole would want me the same way I want him.
"Look at me," he demands softly, his thumb brushing my cheek in small, gentle strokes.
Even though I don’t want to, I open my eyes to glance at him, and immediately, my breath catches. All of a sudden, his gaze practically devours me. It’s so intense that I almost shudder from its power.
"You have no idea how much I want you."
Dazed, I stare at him as his eyes blaze even more fiercely. "Then why are you rejecting me?"
"Because I want to protect you," he breathes. "I don’t want you to do anything you might not be ready for."
Confused, I shake my head, not understanding why he thinks that. "But I want you."
I don’t care if I’ll regret it or if it’s too soon because I don’t even understand what too soon is supposed to mean.
It doesn’t matter to me that I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen next if Cole does…
whatever it is he’s about to do. All I can think of is that I want him even though I have no idea what that means.
I trust what my body and heart tell me. And both long for the man whose stormy-gray eyes seem to consume me whole.
"Please," I plead again, reaching for his T-shirt as if it were my only hope for salvation. "Make it stop."
His eyes darken as he furrows his brows even more, making me fear that he’s going to reject me again. But then a low groan comes out of his throat and makes me shudder. A soft, almost tortured fuck follows, and he finally—finally—kisses me.
It’s not a gentle kiss. It’s not soft or careful, but wild and unrestrained.
Cole leans over me as I lie on my back, clinging to him.
He moans against my lips as his tongue touches mine, almost demanding, and I pull at his T-shirt, not knowing where I even want him.
When I press myself against him, he kisses me even harder, literally devouring me until I become something that exists only for him.
As he pulls away from me after what felt like an eternity, a few frantic heartbeats pass before I open my eyes in what has to be a lustful daze. Cole kneels beside me and takes off his T-shirt, then looks down at me in silence.
Both our breaths come in ragged gasps as we look at each other until I let my gaze trail down his now bare upper body.
Hard, unyielding muscles tremble beneath soft skin adorned with black ink.
I look at each one of his tattoos. I see roses, birds, and skulls.
Words in foreign languages. Images that tell stories I don’t know.
Guilty. I see Cole, and he’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
My hand moves on its own. Gently, my fingertips stroke the ridges on his stomach, making him flinch and draw in a sharp breath.
His skin radiates heat and is flawless, except for the fine line of hair that runs from his navel downward.
I know exactly where this path would lead me, but I don’t dare look there yet.
Before I would even have the chance to do so, Cole leans over me again, propping himself up with one arm beside my head and cupping my face with the other.
When he kisses me, igniting a thousand little flames inside me, I close my eyes, stop thinking, and just feel.
At first, his lips only touch my mouth, but then they start to wander. They graze my chin, slide along my jaw, and pause briefly at the sensitive spot below my ear where they elicit a moan that feels forbidden.
Everything inside me is numb and burning at the same time, as if Cole has ignited dozens of fires within me.
My skin heats as his fingers stroke from my cheek down the side of my neck.
His hand slides over my shoulder and along my ribs until it reaches my stomach, where I feel his touch against the bare skin just beneath my top.
I’m trembling. My whole body shakes because it’s just too much. His fingers trace aimlessly across my belly, and it’s too much, too much, too much, and not nearly enough. I can’t take it, yet I crave more.
As Cole’s hand slides higher and higher and his fingertips suddenly graze the underside of my breast, I gasp and arch my back.
He stops kissing me to bring his lips to my ear, where his warm breath only makes me feel more headless.
"Do you want me to continue?"
His voice is so low and rough, I almost didn’t notice it. All I can think of is more, more, more, which is why I answer with a breathless yes. My voice sounds unfamiliar even to me, but I don’t care. Nothing else matters, as long as Cole keeps touching me.
He hesitates briefly before his hand moves back down and reaches the waistband of my pants, kissing me once more. When I feel him undo the button of my pants, I hold my breath.
"Still?" Cole asks while breathing heavily, but my brain has stopped working. There’s only a thick fog of desire and yes and please don’t stop, so all I manage is a nod.
Immediately, his lips are back on mine as his fingers pull down the zipper of my pants. I can feel the movement of the tiny metal slider abundantly clear through the fabric of my underwear. Everything about it feels strange but also good, and heavens… I don’t ever want him to stop.
My hands take on a life of their own and help Cole free my legs from my pants, which suddenly feel like an old, too-tight skin. When he throws them aside as if they had personally offended him, I can barely think clearly anymore.
Then he is above me as I feel his legs between mine. The heat radiating from him envelops me as he leans down to me again. My hands go to his sides to touch his skin, while my body arches toward Cole’s.
He no longer kisses me. Instead, I feel his gaze on me and hear that his breathing is just as fast and ragged as mine, until his voice breaks the silence again.
"Open your eyes."
I follow his instruction and immediately sink into his thunderous, stormy grays. Cole is so close I can see every little fiber in his eyes. I’m drowning in them, never wanting to see anything else, wishing that time would stand still right now.
"Still don’t want me to stop?"
I shake my head, which makes him curse softly in response. When I feel how he lowers his hips, I think I might explode. My eyes shut instantly, my lips parting slightly. With gentle determination, Cole presses between my thighs, and I gasp as the realization of what I’m feeling hits me.
"Oh God." Everything inside me tightens so intensely that it almost hurts. The desire that had already consumed me now overwhelms me with raw, unrelenting force. I don’t stand a chance against my body’s reactions, so I surrender to it entirely.
"I want you to look at me, darling," Cole demands in a raspy voice.
"I… can’t." My head rolls to the side and then tilts back as Cole’s hardness between my legs almost kills me.
I squirm under him as my body can’t take any more and at the same time can’t get enough.
I’ve never felt anything like this before, and I just don’t understand why he would withhold this from me.
"Look at me, Sophie."