Chapter 40 Cole
FORTY
COLE
Countless curses lay on the tip of my tongue as Sophie pulls on my arm, but I swallow every single one of them. As the horrific sound of my shoulder popping back in echoes through the room, the pain subsides instantly, signaling to me that everything is back where it belongs.
"You can let go now," I say, and Sophie gently lowers my arm onto the mattress. As she removes her foot from my rib cage, I suppress a relieved sigh, as the pressure from it was almost unbearable. The chances are high that Steve’s goons also broke two or three of my ribs.
After carefully moving my arm a little, I open my eyes and turn my head.
The sight of Sophie tears my insides apart. She looks at me with tears in her eyes while she wraps her arms around her body and trembles.
Fuck. She must be scared shitless.
"Come here," I murmur, sitting up carefully.
She shakes her head and remains rooted to the spot. "I don’t want to hurt you."
"You won’t," I lie and raise my left arm, which still hurts but is bearable. "Get over here, darling."
She looks at me hesitantly until she finally moves and lies next to me a few seconds later.
I wrap my arm around her. Her shoulder presses against my aching ribs, but I don’t make a sound.
Instead, I allow myself to, at least for a moment, sink into the relief that overcomes me because nothing has happened to her.
"I was so worried about you." Her hoarse voice nearly shatters my heart.
I kiss the top of her head and breathe in her pure scent before trying to calm her down with more lies. "Shh, darling. It’s all good. I’m fine."
Nothing is good.
My place is a mess, so is my rib cage, and I’m afraid I have a mild concussion, but I can’t tell her this.
If she knew about the damage, she wouldn’t touch me anymore, and that would really be a shame.
Because having her close makes everything a little more bearable for the moment even though I know I’m lying to myself, too.
The moment I told her to wait in the truck, I already knew the bubble had burst.
Me and good enough for her? Not in this universe. Whatever I was thinking, it was fucking stupid.
When she calms down and no more tears wet my shirt, I release my arm from her. "Let me get up."
She immediately moves away from me.
I rise with clenched teeth and suppress a groan as my rib cage threatens to explode. After washing the blood and sweat from my face in the bathroom, I reach for the bottle of Jack and drink until the alcohol tastes sweet. Then I put the bottle away and go outside.
The chill air helps me clear my thoughts. I smoke three cigarettes in a row while realizing that I have allowed this to go on for far too long.
I’m taking one more night with her. Then it has to end.
With this thought, I go back inside and lie down. I pull Sophie’s body against mine one last time and inhale her scent.
"Can I get a kiss, darling?" One last kiss, I think to myself, ignoring the pain that stabs my heart.
She lifts her head and looks at me out of sad eyes, but then puts her lips on mine gently.
Fuck. I’m going to miss this. I’m going to miss all of this so much…
Shortly before sunrise, the effect of the alcohol wears off, and I wake up because everything hurts. My head, my shoulder, my ribs, my heart.
Sophie lies close to me and has one arm across my chest. Carefully, I free myself from her grip and get up to take Buster out. After that, I sit down on one of the two chairs and wait while I memorize every square millimeter of her beautiful face.
When she wakes up, Sophie immediately sits up. Her gaze lands on me, and I can clearly see the relief in her eyes until it’s replaced with fear as worry arises in her.
"What’s wrong?" she wants to know, though she doesn’t dare stand.
I soak up the sound of her voice and lock it in a soundproof box so that I never forget it again. Then I take a deep breath before I finally do it.
"I’ll bring you back. And this time, I really mean it." Though it feels like someone is ramming a rusty knife into my chest, the words sound emotionless and cold.
Sophie’s face turns as white as a sheet. "What? But… no! You can’t do that!"
I force myself to return her gaze. "I can, and I will. You’re not staying with me any longer."
Her chin quivers, and she begins to tremble, wrapping her arms around her body while her eyes fill with tears, but I remain firm.
"You’re going back to your mother. Or wherever you want to go. But you can’t stay with me. My world isn’t meant for you."
She visibly swallows as she stares at me with a pleading expression. "But why?"
"Why?" A mirthless laugh escapes me before I let my voice get even colder. "Just look at me. This is my life. Nothing but destruction and violence. You just don’t fit in."
I can’t manage to look at her any longer as the first sobs shake her body, so I stand to turn away like a fucking coward.
"We’re too different. Don’t you see that? We’re as different as day and night."
When she sucks in a breath, I brace myself for what she’s about to say because I already know it will kill me. And Sophie doesn’t disappoint me.
"But day and night belong together," she chokes out softly. "They can’t be without each other."
Fuck. This is so hard. I didn’t think it would be this hard.
But I have to do it. It’s too dangerous for her to stay with me.
And I’m not even able to do it. I can’t pretend to be Prince Charming all of a sudden.
I’m just not. I’m Cole Walker, a fucked-up scumbag who’d rather get the living shit beaten out of him than lie on a therapist’s couch.
I’m a bastard who banged a girl who’s been locked up by her mother for seventeen years after only six days.
I’m an asshole who lets her get in the line of fire of an underground fight club boss who has no scruples when he wants something.
No. She can’t stay with me.
"We’re nothing, Sophie. And we surely don’t belong together."
I should have had a drink before this, I think to myself before I hear her voice again.
"You don’t mean that." It’s just a whisper, yet every single syllable hurts more than all the punches I’ve taken from Steve and his guys.
"I mean it exactly like that," I reply harshly, the words like acid in my mouth.
"You’re lying."
I lower my head as I feel the last tiny spark inside me go out. "You can tell yourself that, but it won’t change the facts. You have to go. I can’t have you with me anymore. I don’t want you with me anymore."
When I hear her footsteps behind me, everything in me wants to turn around because it pulls my body toward hers, but I don’t dare move. My fear of what Sophie’s sight might do to me is too great.
"Then say that—"
She pauses, sniffles, and tries to gather herself. I can see it. In my mind, I can picture exactly how she furrows her brows and then lifts her chin almost defiantly.
"Tell me you don’t feel it too," she demands in a trembling voice.
Shit. I can’t do this. I just fucking can’t…
"Look me in the eye and say that you don’t feel anything for me."
As if in slow motion, I turn around and open my eyes.
Sophie is standing just a few feet away from me.
Her face is red and wet from her tears. The pleading in her gaze almost brings me to my knees, but I just look back blankly as I answer her.
"I don’t feel anything for you. Never have. Everything I said was a lie."
Something inside her shatters. I see it in those clear, pure amber eyes that are always full of kindness and want to see only the good in everyone—even in me.
I see her questioning everything that has happened between us, and at the same time realizing that it’s lost. And it’s better that way.
I want her to believe that there’s nothing.
She has to believe the lie. Otherwise, she won’t be able to let me go.
Because that’s what it was. It was the biggest lie that had ever come out of anyone’s mouth. Never in my life has anything been so damn hard. Never has anything I’ve said caused me such pain.
But I had to do it. For her.