39. Summer
CHAPTER 39
Summer
R yan spends the night with me, so I finally get a solid eight hours of uninterrupted sleep. While I’m so beyond angry at Duncan, I also feel a huge sense of relief that it’s not some unknown psychopath plotting Emma’s kidnapping. When I wake to a slow Saturday morning, I feel peaceful for the first time in weeks. I leave a still-sleeping Ryan in bed and pull on a thin, waffle-knit robe.
I start my ancient coffee maker and sit in the breakfast nook bathing in the warm, buttery sunlight that pours through the window. My various plants stretch towards the sun in supplication, and I close my eyes to let myself soak in the peace. After a few moments, the coffee maker dings, letting me know it’s time to pour a cup. I open my eyes and go about fixing my coffee the way I like it. I decide to make some pancakes for the two of us, even though Emma isn’t here. Saturday pancakes are a tradition I carried over from my mom and began doing with Emma when she was just a toddler. Even when she’s not here, I find myself reaching for the ingredients.
After I flip the first couple of pancakes, Ryan walks into the kitchen shirtless and mouthwatering. Of their own accord, my eyes trace down the lines of his chest and stomach, then back up to his smirking, cocky mouth. “Hungry?” he asks, voice raspy with sleep.
“Starved,” I reply, swatting his pec with my spatula. “I made coffee,” I say, gesturing to the half-full pot. This moment brings me back to the first time I had him in my kitchen. ‘Thirsty?’ he had asked. I had been too shy to tell him then that it was like I was the Sahara, and he was the rush of clouds promising rain.
“I know, the smell woke me up. Thank you for making breakfast.” He grabs a mug dotted with Christmas trees and candy canes from the cabinet above the coffee maker and fills his cup. It’s his favorite one. I finish the pancakes and we sit down at the table to have breakfast together.
After we spend most of our meal chatting, Ryan nudges me with his elbow and asks, “When do you think you and Jared will talk to him?”
“Maybe today? Jared’s mom is always happy for a chance to watch Emma since she’s the only grandbaby, so I’m sure she wouldn’t mind another few hours of babysitting duty.”
He cups the back of my neck and gently pulls me in, teasing featherlight kisses over my whole face before pressing his lips to mine. “Mmm… better make good use of the last of our alone time this weekend then,” he says in a low rumble. He slides his lips along mine before angling me so our mouths can slant together. He kisses me deeply before pulling away with a chuckle when I whimper in protest. “What do you say?”
He kissed me into confusion, so I blurt out, “Please?” assuming he wants me to be polite about asking for more. He groans and pulls me to stand.
He leans in close, breath tickling my neck and sending goosebumps down my arms, “I meant, devious woman, does spending some time with me inside you sound good?” He pulls me close, hand on the small of my back so we’re pressed fully against each other .
I feel my face split into a teasing smile because I know how much of a hold my next words have over him, “Yes, please.”
A few hours later, Jared and I sit in his truck in front of Duncan’s apartment. Luckily, Jared’s mom was more than happy to take Emma for the afternoon.
“So, what’s our plan of attack?” I ask when I can’t take the silence anymore. I rub the worry stone that Ryan got me in rhythmic circles with my thumb. The smooth texture is soothing. It’s something I’ve been relying on to help calm me the last few weeks.
He scrubs a hand over his hair, making it stick up. “I don’t know. I guess we’ll go in together. Just let me do the talking, okay? I think he’ll listen better if it’s coming from me.”
“Does he even know I’m going with you?”
“No, I figured he wouldn’t agree if I told him,” Jared replies apologetically.
“Well, this is going to go well,” I say sarcastically.
“Let’s just get this over with,” he states, pushing his door open. I sigh and get out as well. We walk across the grass toward Duncan’s apartment and Jared knocks on the door in a five-knock pattern they’ve used since they were kids. The door opens and the smile that stretches Duncan’s swollen face drops the second he notices me.
“Oh god, you’re back together again aren’t you,” he says with a sigh. He steps aside and gestures for us to follow him into the cluttered space. “I thought we were just having a boys day,” he says, casting a bloodshot glare in Jared’s direction. He hikes up his black basketball shorts and tugs down his t-shirt.
Jared shuts the door behind us and says, “Sorry, man. We have something to talk to you about, and no, it’s not that we’re together again. We’re not, and that’s probably not happening. ”
“Definitely not,” I say. To which, both men glare at me. “Sorry, just wanted to clarify.”
“Anyway,” Jared says smoothly, leading me over to the stained couch on the back wall of the living area, “Like I said, we need to talk to you.” I choose to perch on the arm of the couch rather than sit on the cushions that would probably scream in horror if they suddenly gained sentience and a voice.
Duncan sinks down into a low-lying gaming chair that he’s had since he was a teen. The black leather is so worn out, you can see the metal framing in some spots. “Okay?” he says, the end of the word tilting up.
“We know you’ve been struggling lately, and it seems like you're drunk more often than not. I’m afraid it's affecting your ability to think clearly, and I’m worried about your health,” Jared says, leaning forward, hands clasped between his knees. Jared has always gotten straight to the point, and it seems he’s not going to treat this any differently. I shift uncomfortably on my perch and grip the worry stone harder.
Duncan rocks back in his chair like he’s been physically struck. “I’m fine. I can stop whenever I want. I haven’t even had a drink today,” he says eventually. He eyes me, clearly wondering what I’m doing here for this talk.
“It’s only one o’clock,” I point out helpfully. He scowls at me. Jared gives me a look as well and I raise my hands in defeat, my left one still curled around the stone.
“Even still. You know I’ve had to cover your ass at work almost every week. And think about how many times I’ve had to pick you up from the bar in the last month alone. What do you do when I’m not able to get you because I have Emma?” Duncan casts his eyes down and shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “Please don’t tell me you’re driving yourself,” Jared says in a stern voice, the one I’ve only ever heard him use with Emma when she’s doing something dangerous.
“Sometimes. But I swear, my driving isn’t affected. It’s only a few miles away anyway,” Duncan says with false bravado, sitting up straighter.
Jared drops his head into a hand and rubs at his temples with his thumb and forefinger. “Oh, Dunc. Can’t you see how bad it’s getting?” He looks at his oldest friend with the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen. I, for one, am beyond furious that he’s putting other people at risk because he can’t control himself or be bothered to call an Uber. I’m trying to stay true to my word, though, and keep my mouth shut.
“I’m fine,” Duncan responds with a hard edge, and a challenge in his voice.
Jared pleads, “I don’t think you are. I know you like to party, but it's concerning to me that you’re getting drunk by yourself and making decisions I know you wouldn’t normally make.” I have to physically bite my lip to stop myself from talking.
Duncan heaves himself up to standing, a vein popping out in his forehead. “Listen, I don’t get in your business, Jared. Stay out of mine.” He points a finger in Jared’s direction, and I find that I’ve had enough of being silent.
“Really? You stay out of his— our business Duncan? Is that what we’re going with?” I ask, crossing my arms.
His eyes slide to mine and for a second there is so much hate in them, I’m actually a little afraid. “Yes. It is,” he replies through clenched teeth. “I don’t think I was talking to you anyway. And you know what? Now that you aren’t together anymore, I can say what I’ve wanted to say for a long time. Out of respect for him,” he throws a hand in Jared’s direction, “I kept my mouth shut.”
I laugh sardonically at that, remembering all the times he made not-so-subtle digs about me. He spits, “You think you can judge me? Meanwhile, you’re over here reading porn and leaving a good man because he doesn’t follow you around like a whipped puppy. You don’t want a real man, you want a pet that’ll bend to your every whim. That new idiot you have on a leash will learn eventually.” He stands there, chest heaving as though he’s just exited the pulpit.
I react as calmly as I’m capable of. In a level voice, I ask, “If you mind your business so much, why are you talking about me with anyone who will listen? Why are you even speaking to Ryan? Why are you impersonating Jared and trying to get Ryan in trouble?” At the last question, his face fades from a deep red to a sickly pale.
His eyes dart to Jared and he licks his lips. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he says quickly.
In the tone of a disappointed father, Jared says, “We know it was you, dude.”
Seeming to shrivel in on himself, Duncan sinks back down in his chair and runs a hand through his stringy hair. He finally looks at Jared and says, “Okay, so I might have played a prank on him. I was drunk and I thought it would be funny.” He winces when he owns up to being drunk.
“How did you get drunk in the twenty minutes after I left here?” Jared asks incredulously.
He admits abashedly, “I was already halfway there when you got here. I just asked to watch TV so I could hide it.”
“Hold on. Let’s get back to the ‘prank’ thing,” I say, making air quotes. “How in the hell is having our daughter taken without our permission a prank? Do you think it’s funny that Jared was out of his mind with worry when he realized Emma wasn’t where he left her?”
“I didn’t really think about that. Like I said, I was drunk,” he says flippantly. Jared shifts on the couch and I can tell from the set of his jaw that he’s getting angry.
“It wasn’t funny. I thought for sure something had happened to her. When I realized who she was with it just pissed me off. You know that I want Emma to have the best life possible. If I had let my anger make my decisions, Emma wouldn’t be very happy right now,” Jared bites out .
I lean back, my shoulders against the wall, “Can we just be honest here, Duncan? You didn’t think it was funny or a prank. You were deliberately trying to get Ryan in trouble and trying to make sure Jared had a case against us.” I am suddenly so beyond exhausted with this overgrown toddler and his games.
“You don’t deserve to be happy!” he explodes, standing in a rage. He paces back and forth, “All you do is take, and take, and take, Summer. With no care for the people around you!”
I rear back so far that my head bumps the wall with a dull thud, “What are you talking about?”
“First you take my friend, then you take his future, making sure you get pregnant. Then, when you’re sick of that little life, you drop him on his ass and move on to a new guy you can use.”
I stand and take a step forward. Jared grabs my wrist and tugs so I can’t go any further. “I didn’t take your friend! Last time I checked, you and Jared are still close, which is why I’m sitting here in this apartment that stinks like beer and piss to make sure you get nowhere near my kid! You’re fucking deranged to act like this over something that happened almost ten years ago now.” I pull my wrist out of Jared’s grip and cross my arms.
Duncan shouts, “I was in love with you!” And then it's so quiet, I can hear his upstairs neighbor’s TV running through a local commercial. My arms drop to my sides and I freeze.
“What?” Jared asks dumbly. I drop onto the couch beside him, disgusting cushions forgotten.
“I was in love with Summer,” he says more quietly, looking down.
“When?” Jared and I ask at the same time, twin expressions of shock on our faces.
Duncan stalks to the small kitchen to the right of us and opens the fridge. He pops open a can of beer, chugging half of it down in one glug that would have been impressive if we were twenty-one in a frat house. He belches and turns the stink eye on us, “Don’t judge, okay? I need this. ”
He leans against the counter that divides the room from the kitchen and stares at us. His eyes meet mine briefly, and for a second I can see the pain behind the dislike that he’s worn like armor. “Do you remember when we first met?” he asks me quietly.
I think back through the years and try to pinpoint it. In a small town like Lakeland, it’s easy to feel like you’ve know everyone forever. “I don’t know, maybe fifth grade?”
“Second. I sat next to you in Mr. Juarez’s class. On the first day of class, my notebook got ruined because my water bottle lid wasn’t screwed on right, and it spilled inside my backpack. It soaked through all the pages and the paper couldn’t be used because it got so warped. When Mr. Juarez asked us to take out a piece of paper for writing practice, I started to cry because I didn’t have one that wasn’t ruined. I took out my messed up notebook, trying to use what I could save. I knew my parents wouldn’t buy me another one because they would want to teach me a lesson, and I thought Mr. Juarez would get mad at me.
You saw me crying and gave me a piece of your own paper. The next day, you set a brand new notebook on my desk without saying a word. It had some weird rainbow animals on it, but I didn’t even care because it meant that I wouldn’t get in trouble with my parents for ruining my own. I kept that stupid notebook until you got pregnant.”
“Are you saying you’ve been in love with Summer since the second grade?” Jared asks quietly. Duncan looks down at his feet, not saying anything.
To be honest, I don’t remember the interaction at all. We must not have talked after that until much later. I did have a Lisa Frank obsession all through grade school though.
Finally, he looks up at me and says, “Yes.” I am so completely floored that I feel like I’m watching this play out from above.
He seems to be waiting for some sort of reaction and I finally mutter, “I don’t know what to say. So when you said that I just take and take, and that I would break Ryan’s heart, you were thinking about yourself?” He nods once, jaw ticking under the day and a half’s growth of stubble. I am completely flabbergasted.
Jared, who has morphed from shock to rage, says, “So all the time you spent trying to convince me to leave her was really because you wanted her?” Duncan says nothing, just takes another large gulp of beer. “You know that if you had mentioned it at any point leading up to us dating, I would have backed off, right? Why would you not have said anything?”
“I could see the way she looked at you! She had spent the last ten years at the time hardly looking at me, but when you started showing interest, she went all gaga. She would just throw me little crumbs of kindness every once in a while to string me along. What would have been the point?” he finishes dully. I stiffen at the implication that my being kind to him was me stringing him along.
Fucking men.
I blow an unamused laugh through my nose, “I don’t know, it may have saved us all from this gigantic mess.” I don’t think there was ever a possibility that I wouldn’t have dated Jared, no matter what he says to Duncan. We were crazy for each other at the time in a way that only hormonal teenagers can be. I just wonder if Duncan had ever told me and I was able to let him down gently, maybe he could have moved on in a healthy way instead of letting his pining turn into a sickness that rotted something fundamental inside him.
“Well, I didn’t. So, here we are,” he says glibly, crushing the now empty can of beer and setting it beside others on the scuffed counter.
“Here we are,” Jared echoes with a faraway look in his eyes. Finally, he turns to me, “Summer, can I talk to Duncan alone? Here are my keys. I’ll only be a minute.” He drops his truck keys into my hand and I stand.
I look at Duncan and nod, I have nothing left to say to him. Nothing excuses his behavior, and honestly, it almost makes it worse that he thought he was in love with me. Maybe he was once, but it twisted into something sinister. He started to view me as an object. If he couldn’t have me, no one could. And if I didn’t want him, then he wanted me to suffer.
Before I walk out the door, I pause, finding I do have one last thing to say to him, “Whatever your relationship is with Jared after this is none of my business. But I don’t want you anywhere near my daughter. I am sorry you were hurting. It’s no excuse for the constant bullying you subjected me to over the years and the way you’ve tried to interfere with my happiness over and over again, though. I really hope you get help, Duncan, but please, stay away from me and my daughter.”
With that, I leave the small, dingy apartment and walk dazedly to the truck. I feel emotionally spent as I turn it on and get the air conditioning going. The sun is high in the sky, and I feel it baking through the windows of the truck.
Would Jared and I have had a better relationship if we didn’t have someone constantly poisoning the well? Jared’s actions are his own, but no one is free from the influence of their closest friends. He always thought that Duncan had his best interest in mind. I feel sorry for him that he’s learning that that hasn’t been true for a long time.
Within a few minutes, Jared leaves the apartment, shutting the door gently behind him. He walks toward the truck and hops in the driver’s side. Without a word, he starts reversing out of the parking spot and driving me home. We say nothing the whole way, both processing what just happened. When he parks in front of my house, neither of us moves.
Finally, he says, “I told him I couldn’t be close with him anymore. Not until he got help anyway. I feel like shit saying that when he obviously needs someone, but I just can’t do it anymore. Not after—” He pauses, inhaling sharply.
“Summer,” he says brokenly, “I’m so sorry. I listened to him for years telling me over and over that you were bad for me and that you baby trapped me. I think part of me started to believe it, even though I knew it wasn’t true. It’s no excuse, I know, but maybe things wouldn’t have gotten so bad if I hadn’t had him in my ear.” He swipes at his eye with a fist.
I reach over and squeeze his shoulder, “Maybe. But, Jared, we both weren’t making the other person happy. Can you honestly say that even without Duncan interfering, you actually enjoyed being with me by the end? Were you excited to spend time with me after the first couple of years? I know it felt familiar, and in a way, that was comforting, but we both deserve more than that. We both deserve to find people we’re crazy for and who feel the same about us. I’ll always love you. You’re the father of my child, and without you, Emma wouldn’t exist,” I find myself getting choked up too. I swallow through it and continue, “I wish it had worked out between us. I really do. But all we can do now is move on and be the most kickass co-parents around.”
He chuckles wetly at that, clears his throat, and says, “I’ll always love you, too. I’m sorry I didn’t see what a good thing I had until you were gone. And I’m sorry I kept someone around who said such bad things about you.”
“I forgive you. Now let’s move through this and try to be happy. Life is so fucking short and it's not worth wasting time being this miserable,” I say and mean it this time. I wrap my arm around his shoulders and tug him in for a brief side hug. He squeezes my waist and lets go.
“Okay. I promise to be better about Ryan. I want to get to know him, too. And listen, you can have him meet Emma whenever you want. I know the six-month thing is still a few weeks away, but I trust your judgment. I always have. I just forgot there for a little bit.” I feel the hard walls he forged around my heart start to crumble. We have a long way to go, but this is a start.
“Thank you,” I say earnestly.
He smiles at me, “Be happy, Summer.”