Chapter 2
Is this a good time to go back?
victoria
The stifling July heat persists even at this hour of the early morning.
Joana sleeps peacefully in my bed, oblivious to the whirlwind of thoughts consuming me and keeping me from getting a wink of sleep.
From my bedroom terrace, the neighborhood seems much quieter than it actually is; all you can hear are a few crickets or the sound of traffic from the nearby avenues.
Everything is dark despite the glow of the streetlights, and this emptiness envelops me, causing me to focus much more on myself than I should.
The invitation rests in my hands and feels heavy, as if a sack of concrete were hidden inside it.
I know this feeling is nothing more than a reflection of my doubts, my fears, my nostalgia…
My mind is so agitated that I haven’t been able to eat anything for dinner, nor have I been able to satisfy Joana in bed the way she expected.
I’m ashamed that I’ve buried myself in work just as I used to do with Elena in the past, but I just can’t help overthinking all of this.
Ibiza. Ever since I read where the ceremony will be held, a hundred memories have stirred within me like ghosts from a past that has always been there.
At first, during my teenage years, the island was just a vacation spot, but that’s where I grew up, fell in love for the first time, discovered sexual pleasure, and what everyone calls eternity.
I don’t remember when the last time was that I set foot on its beaches, but I know that a part of me stayed there, in its waters, in the corners of its streets, at the Las Dalias market, and in my favorite café.
Returning isn’t just about going back to those moments in my life when I was very happy; it’s about having to reconnect with Elena and everything she still stirs within me.
Even though five years have passed, her name still resonates within me with overwhelming force, and the memory of her stirs something I thought was dormant.
She—my ex-wife, my first love, my greatest regret.
We loved each other deeply, but sometimes love isn’t enough to keep two people together, and I understood the meaning of life’s defining moments the day I saw her broken because of me—because I put my career aspirations above her—and, without shame, I can say that things got out of hand.
This wedding confronts me with the possibility of learning how life has treated her, of reliving in her eyes moments I thought were buried deep within my heart, of reconnecting with people I haven’t seen in ages, and of reclaiming that happiness that enveloped everything summer after summer since I turned sixteen.
Resigned to finding no answers to the questions I ask myself, I leave the terrace and walk into my bedroom, caressed by the darkness.
Joana is still asleep; the light from outside falls softly on her face, and she breathes deeply, oblivious to what I’m going through.
She is my present, and for the past few months, the woman who has managed to bring some happiness back into my life in a world of chaos.
I feel bad hiding from her that I’m not well, that ever since I saw the envelope in the mailbox, my life has been reeling.
I want to be honest with her and tell her about my marriage, about what led to my divorce, but I can’t do it because that would mean confessing that I haven’t been able to forget Elena.
Now, being in her presence, I can’t help but wonder what would have become of us if things had been different, if I had taken a different path instead of the one that led to our separation. Would we still be together?
Telling Carolina that I’m not going to her wedding will break her heart, and telling her that I’ll be accompanied will blow everything apart.
I have to face my fears; I know it’s the only possible option, so I leave the envelope resting on the base of the lamp and slip under the sheets to curl up, seeking warmth.
I close my eyes, and as I let sleep envelop me, the questions pound in my head again: If I had followed my heart instead of my fears and risked everything for love, would things have been different? I don’t have a clear answer.
And, in the end, the doubts become a labyrinth with no exit where I get lost over and over again, while my heartbeat slows and the silence becomes the calm I need.