Like Pineapple on Pizza

Chapter 1

Cienna

“Ugh. I just want to go five minutes without hearing the word penis.” I yanked my phallic-shaped light-up necklace off and threw it across the room as I flopped on my bed.

I was warned that the cruise’s departure day would be painstakingly boring.

Clearly, those people weren’t boarding with five teachers who were just released for summer break and celebrating a voracious bride-to-be.

At every potentially dull moment in the boarding process, my best friends, in our matching Let’s Get Nauti shirts, handed out Lucy’s homemade penis pops, played inflatable banana ring toss—guess where we had to hold the banana—and led a risqué game of Finish the Sentence with fellow travelers in line.

During the muster drill, Lucy was asked to remove her penis hat so the people behind her could see.

And when we practiced using our personal flotation devices, Jenn, our celebrated bachelorette, worked hard to get her Bridin’ Dirty sash over her life jacket, while Kennedy, her younger sister, announced she’d happily “tug the nozzle” for any hot guys who needed help.

We received a mixture of poorly hidden smirks and scolding looks from the crew.

Being the shy, introverted, easily embarrassed, attention-hating…

more reserved one in the group, it was one big “smack my head” fest for me.

“You could do with more penis in your life, Cici,” Darcy, my best friend, called from the balcony of our stateroom aboard the Sunset Princess Cruise Line.

I covered my ears and rolled over, smooshing my face into my pillow. “La, la, la, I can’t hear you.”

I was typically surrounded by children all day. I couldn’t be held accountable for my immaturity in times of frustration.

Suddenly, the door to our adjoining room swung open. “Did I hear the word of the day?” Kennedy launched herself onto my bed and joined Darcy’s antics, giving me the surround-sound experience of their chanting as she jolted my bed. Bounce. “Penis!” Bounce. “Penis!”

If my default mode was being a five-year-old, sticking out my tongue and singing “I’m rubber, you’re glue,” then Kennedy and Darcy autopiloted into giggly middle schoolers who were fascinated with body parts and dreamy boys.

They both taught eighth grade at Aisling Day School, where I taught kindergarten.

With a groan, I flailed my arms and flopped back against my pillow. “You two are ridiculous.”

“No, lady, what’s ridiculous is that you don’t even care how long it’s been since you’ve seen—”

I shot back up, holding out my hand. “Don’t even say it.”

Darcy cocked her head at me, her strawberry-blond ponytail falling to the side. “You know it’s true,” she muttered loud enough for me to hear.

I glared at her. “You do know there’s not a quota on how many penises one should see by the age of thirty?”

“Okay, but how long has it been?” Kennedy asked, scooting closer.

“Also, FYI,” I said, pointing at her, “there’s not an expiration date on me seeing a penis, nor is there a shortage of penises to see, so there is. No. Rush.”

The two exchanged a pointed look.

“Screw you both. Why am I even entertaining this conversation?” Covering my face, I groaned. The two of them giggled as I curled up into a ball on my pillow, ready to tune them out and take a much-needed nap.

“We have a mission,” Kennedy declared.

“Yes,” Darcy said, echoing Kennedy’s serious tone. “Mission Cici Gets Penis.”

I peeked out at them from my snugalicious ball of nope. “No, guys, our mission is to make sure Jenn’s last few days of unweddedness are full of girl-time shenanigans.”

“Hmm.” Kennedy tapped her chin. “Consider it a side mission. I’m sure Jenn will be more than happy to support the efforts. We all think you work too hard and never find time for yourself. Or your needs.” The word needs was accompanied by air quotes and a cheesy wink.

Then my two friends pretended to synchronize their watches and choreographed a secret mission handshake. With a jerk, I pulled the comforter from my perfectly made bed and covered my head.

“Nuh-uh-uh, none of that. You have T-minus ten minutes to get penis presentable.” Darcy tugged on me.

“You relentless bitches, I hate you. Go away,” I grumbled from my blanket burrito.

“There is a takeoff happy hour, and we’ve got to get ready.

” Kennedy practically climbed on top of me, shaking my shoulders.

“Get up and wear something hot.” She ran her fingers through the strands of my hair sticking out from the covers.

“Yes, and put your hair down with that wavy thing that you do.” She tugged on my ponytail, trying to remove my hair tie, but I swatted her hands away.

“Oh, and I have the perfect eye shadow.” Her feet pitter-pattered as she darted out of the room.

I sat back up, leaning against the headboard and dropping my head in defeat. “Darcy, seriously, I need a nap. I’m not going.”

“I didn’t want to have to resort to this, but you leave me no choice.” She sighed. “There’s a coffee bar on the way there.”

“A valiant effort, but there’s a Keurig right here”—I pointed to the counter—“so I’ll be okay.”

“Yeah, about that. You need K-Cups to make the coffee.” Her lips pinched to the side. “And they’ve been confiscated.”

“You didn’t?”

She wouldn’t.

“I did.”

Okay, so she would.

I grabbed the pillow nearest me and threw it in Darcy’s direction. As playful as this moment was, I still wanted to kill her. No one got between me and my coffee. “Low blow, Darce. Low blow,” I whined into the mattress, sprawled on my stomach.

“I’m ruthless, but it’s for your own good.” She strutted back toward me and slapped my ass. “Let’s go get some peeeen. But first, coffee.”