Chapter 32
My heart sank like a stone, straight into my stilettos. What did this mean? What did he know? Or more to the point, what didn’t he know?
As if by magic my appetite had gone, completely disappeared like a fart in the wind. The Jocasta Jennings diet should really be patented. Dealing with the drama that woman caused could drop the weight off you quicker than a dose of dysentery.
With shaky fingers I tapped out a reply to him.
“OK, when?”
I watched the bubbles on the screen, knowing he was replying and desperate for the message to appear.
“Can I come to yours? I can be there in an hour.”
I was in two minds. Was this a good idea? Part of me wanted to see him, but the other part was terrified of what it could mean.
I began to type my reply: to tell him that I was tired, it had been a long day, and I would just see him tomorrow. But something stopped me, and I deleted what I had written. I owed him more than that. Plus, I had decided that I was going to be more decisive, seizing the day even though it was evening. Less Carpe Diem and more Carpe Noctem.
I typed just two letters.
“OK”.
I fretted the entire drive back to my house. It only took twenty minutes, but as I pulled up into my drive it felt like no time had passed at all.
I grabbed my handbag and the bag of wrapped food off the passenger seat, and on unsteady legs made my way up the path and into the house.
Seb, as always, was true to his word. Exactly an hour from his message being sent, there was a sharp knock on my front door which nearly made me jump out of my skin, like a housecat when you turn the vacuum cleaner on.
I had been sitting stiff-backed on a dining room chair. The room was silent. Just me and my thoughts. The fish and chips were still wrapped and abandoned on the kitchen counter: I still had no appetite. It was at times like this that I almost wished I smoked: something to do with my hands and keep them from shaking, taking the edge off my anxiety.
I might not smoke, but I did have other vices. I had poured myself a large glass of white wine. I had to stop myself from finishing the entire bottle, but I felt it best to be nearly sober when he arrived.
I nearly knocked my glass over when I heard the knock on the door. My nerves were jangling like a windchime in a hurricane. I had changed into a pair of jeans and a long-sleeved T-shirt, but everything about me felt stiff and uncomfortable, like I was wearing clothes two sizes too small. It must be all the tension I was holding in my body.
I felt my feet dragging as I made my way to the front door, like a condemned woman walking to her fate. Once there, I took a deep breath and pulled it open, steeling myself for whatever would come next.
He was standing there, framed in the doorway: tall and handsome and with an unreadable expression upon his face. It was impossible to guess what his mood was. I could tell he was tired, though; he just exuded weariness. I had an overwhelming urge to reach out and grab him, to pull him into a hug and never let go. But I wouldn’t do that. That just wasn’t my way.
“Hello, Lila, thanks for letting me come round.”
I smiled at him. It felt forced and unnatural to me.
“Of course, Seb, come in. Can I get you a drink? I’ve got white wine open, or I might have a beer kicking about if you would rather.”
He shrugged his broad shoulders non-committally.
“A glass of wine will be fine, thank you.”
I nodded briefly and made my way into the kitchen to retrieve the opened bottle from the fridge and pour him a glass, topping up mine at the same time.
He followed me in to stand with his back against the black granite worktop. He had changed into more casual attire too: a pair of navy jeans that gripped his long legs perfectly and a cream jumper that gave him the air of a catalogue model from the 90s, all country gentleman chic.
His hair was rather unkempt, as if he had been worriedly running his hand through it, and there were little crow’s feet etched around his eyes. I couldn’t help noticing his eyes had never looked a more intense shade of blue than they did in that moment. If I hadn’t known better, I would have sworn he was wearing coloured contact lenses, they were so brilliantly vibrant.
I passed him his glass without a word, and he took it with a wary smile. He drained a good third of it in one go while I waited patiently for him to finally speak. My nerves stretched to breaking point in anticipation of how the conversation might go.
“I’m sorry, Lila.”
My head snapped up and I looked at him, confused. What was he sorry about? Was he sorry our friendship was over? Was that what it was?
I shook my head at him.
“What, Seb? What are you sorry about?”
He sighed deeply and put his wine glass down on the counter, his handsome face looking troubled.
“I should have believed you from the start; I’ve known you for so long, I ought to have known you wouldn’t just make things up. I’ve let you down and for that I’m so very sorry.”
He looked down at the floor as if ashamed to meet my eyes.
“What you told me about Jocasta’s boyfriend: I should have just believed you. I don’t know what I was thinking, accusing you of lying. I suppose I just wanted to see the best in her, didn’t want to have to face the fact that she had been leading me a merry dance all along. Didn’t want to admit to myself that someone would be capable of making up such horrible lies.”
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak yet, and took another sip of wine.
He ran his hand through his thick, dark hair. That explained why it was sticking up in such random tufts.
“Lottie told me.”
My ears pricked up suddenly at this. Whatexactly had Lottie told him?
“She told me what you saw in Fluck’s office on Friday evening. How you couldn’t bring yourself to tell me, because I hadn’t believed you before, and how you’d been right about her all along, saw through her act.”
I think I was actually holding my breath at that point. I feared I might pass out from lack of oxygen.
His eyes were pleading with mine now.
“I’m so sorry, Lila, really I am.”
All the tension I had held in my body up to that point seemed to instantly fade away. My muscles were suddenly fluid, and I was glad I was sitting down at the kitchen table as I feared my legs wouldn’t hold my weight.
His eyes were still searching mine, but I looked down, fixing them instead on the kitchen floor, focusing on the small Bolognese stain that remained from my culinary attempts some nights before.
I spoke quietly, still not trusting my own voice.
“It’s OK, Seb, I just didn’t want to hurt you. I knew how close you two were and I didn’t want to break your heart and cause you pain. I care about you too much to see you devastated.”
A look of confusion settled on his face now.
“Devastated? Why on earth would I be devastated? Disappointed, yes, but devastated, that’s a bit extreme don’t you think?”
He wasn’t the only one who was confused now. I was shaking my head, not understanding things at all.
“Because you’ve been seeing each other for weeks. Aren’t you a couple?”
He laughed for a second as if I had cracked a joke, but it died in his mouth upon seeing my serious expression.
“No, I haven’t been seeing Jocasta. We hang out as friends now and again, and she’s been an asset at the pub quiz on occasion; well, on the rounds about popular culture and fashion anyway. But seeing each other that’s just daft?”
He let out another laugh as if the notion of them dating was completely ridiculous.
“Yes, she’s a good-looking girl, but we wouldn’t go out together. She’s not my type at all, and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be hers in a million light years either.”
Well, I knew for a fact that wasn’t true. Seb always had such a low opinion of himself in the attractiveness stakes. His self-deprecation was always part of his charm: his inability to see what others could. But I knew exactly how Jocasta had seen him, and she’d had her sights set firmly on him.
“But I don’t understand: she took you shopping, changed your wardrobe…”
Seb interrupted me.
“Yes, as a friend she did those things, she helped me. You’ve been telling me for years to smarten myself up, and finally I listened. And I must admit it feels good to take pride in my appearance. But I always had you in mind when I tried on any new clothes: what your opinion would be, what you would think of them.”
He paused for a second to give a small, embarrassed shrug.
“I guess I was doing it all for you.”
I felt a lump settle in my throat. Like an olive from my martini that I just couldn’t budge.
So, they hadn’t been together after all. I thought over all my recent conversations with Seb, and it was true he had never once said they were dating. In fact, he had only ever referred to her as his friend. But why had she gone to so much effort to make me believe that they were an item? Even eluding in a non-too subtle way to their satisfying sex life and his obvious charms in the trouser department.
But I didn’t need to be Einstein to figure it out. It was because she wanted him, and she was threatened by me. Maybe it had never really been about Seb, and it was more about getting one over on me all along.
She was competing with me, in any which way she could. And she knew that Seb carried a torch for me. It had been the worst kept secret in the workplace, after all. So, to win his heart would have given her such a boost.
Or maybe I was giving myself too much credit and I didn’t feature that much in it at all. Maybe it was all about Seb. And I now knew what Jocasta did, that he was an amazing catch. Like I had said to the girls, he really was good on paper: great job, solvent, in fact just the whole package. But whatever the reason for her wanting him, he had never wanted her.
That knowledge meant everything to me. My heart was suddenly light. I felt like my nine-year-old self again when I had received the Fun Time Barbie for Christmas that every little girl in my class had coveted. I’d felt completely on top of the world back then. Just like I did now.
Seb was staring deep into my eyes, and I felt my heartbeat quicken in my chest.
“It’s you, Lila, it’s always been you, pretty much from the first moment I clapped eyes on you all those years ago. Standing at that drinks party by the punch bowl, looking so bored I worried you might drown yourself in it. All the men in the room wanting you, but you happy to ignore them and just talk to your girlfriends. I loved you from that moment, and I love you now. I’ve never stopped, never will.”
It took him precisely four seconds to walk the distance across the kitchen and gather me up into his strong arms.
When his lips touched mine, it was electric. Like the air was alive and fizzing with it. But sweet too, and tinged with so much longing. A year ago, if someone had told me I would be kissing Seb in the middle of my kitchen, I would have laughed it off, thought them certifiable. But now it just felt the most natural thing in the world. There was no weirdness about it, like I had always assumed. No, now it was just fabulous, pure and simple. Just perfect.
And the man could really kiss: just the right amount of pressure to make me go weak at the knees. I felt my whole body liquefy with lust as he ran his hands smoothly up and down my back and our kiss deepened.
He broke away for a second and looked deep into my eyes. His pupils were darker than before and full of yearning, the depth of his emotions evident.
“I love you, Lila.”
I reached up and took his face gently in my hands my eyes searching his.
“And I love you too, Seb.”
Suddenly his face broke into a smile so bright it could have illuminated the whole of West Yorkshire.
“You love me?”
He suddenly looked much younger, almost like a little boy and it made my heart glad.
“You can’t know how long I’ve dreamt of hearing those words. I feel like running out into the street and shouting it from the rooftops for the whole world to hear…Lila Glover loves me!”
I was laughing now.
“Please don’t do that! Mr Dick, two doors down, is perfectly named and would probably call the police and have you arrested for disturbing the peace.”
I gave him a seductive smile.
“But you can kiss me again if you like.”
Seb returned my smile, his eyes full of longing. “Now that I can definitely do.”
I don’t know how long we stood in the middle of my kitchen smooching like a couple of lovestruck teenagers. It could have been minutes; it could have been hours. I simply had no idea. Time seemed to stand still in that very moment. When he eventually pulled away, his voice was deep and throaty.
“Does this mean we’re officially dating now? That we are a couple?”
He looked at me, his eyes hopeful and full of meaning.
“Yes, I think it’s fair to see that’s exactly what we are, and I think we’ll make a fabulous couple…touch wood.”
And with a sly smile, I reached over and grazed my hand against the obvious bulge in his tight jeans.
“And I don’t mind if I do.”
And as my hand caressed the bulge in the denim my excitement quickly grew. It seemed that there was one thing that Jocasta hadn’t been lying about. Just a lucky guess on her part.