Chapter 35
How had she even got my number? But then I remembered I’d given it to her when we’d been arranging our spa afternoon.
“Are you going to meet her?”
Seb questioned over toast and coffee the next morning.
He was looking adorable, with little crumbs stuck to his upper lip. I brushed them off gently. At one time I would have found this image of domestic bliss completely cringey. But not any more.
“I don’t know, I haven’t decided yet.”
That wasn’t exactly true. I had decided. I had made my mind up when I was buttering his toast. Iwas going to meet her. My curiosity was pricking at me just too much not to.
So, I was going to have a late start at work this morning. First, I had a meeting with a spiteful floozy for a flat white, and possibly a fat slap if she didn’t behave herself.
At dead on 10 a.m. I marched into Gourmet Delights as cool as a cucumber, but looking as hot as a jalapeno. I was certainly dressed to impress. I had taken Coco Chanel’s words to heart: “Dress likeyou are going to meet your worst enemy today.” And that was exactly what I had done.
I saw that the same guy was serving behind the counter, but I no longer felt embarrassed. All that seemed a million years ago, as if it had happened to a different person. I was a different person now. And I was glad.
And now that I was happy in life again, I was seriously looking my best. While I was pining over Seb, my joie de vivre had deserted me faster than a toupee in a tornado. But I was back on form and my most fabulous self once more.
I was decked out in a new knitted dress that I had bought when shopping with Seb. It was figure-hugging and fantastically chic and in the most beautiful shade of vibrant scarlet.
And on the subject of scarlet women, I spotted Jocasta sitting at a small table off from the hustle and bustle of all the other customers. There was a large cup of coffee cooling in front of her. And as I made my way over to greet her, she lifted her eyes to meet mine and gave a weak smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. She looked nervous. And so she should.
I was shocked by her appearance. Firstly, she was not dressed at all how I was used to seeing her. Her appearance was much more demure and dressed down, in a simple crisp white crew-neck T-shirt and jeans. Her blonde toffee-streaked tresses were swept back into a high ponytail, and she wore the bare minimum of make-up.
That in itself was shocking, but there was much worse. Above her left eye there was a nasty-looking bruise. It was maybe a few days old and had begun to yellow slightly around the edges. It still looked nasty, though. I winced, just looking at it.
Maybe I had been wrong all along and she was in an abusive relationship after all. The thought that I might have misjudged things chilled me to the bone.
I sank down into the chair opposite her, concern swelling in my chest.
“Lila, I’m so glad you came; I wasn’t sure you would. I really think if we could talk, we…”
I cut her off mid-sentence.
“Did Simon do that to you?”
Her hand flew to her head, and she gently touched the bruise, a look of regret sweeping across her face.
“After everything I’ve lied about, it would be the easiest thing in the world to blame this on Si. But no, he didn’t do this to me.”
She gave a nervous laugh.
“But like I said, I’m really glad you came today.”
“I wasn’t sure I was going to, but here I am.”
I laughed wryly and fixed the younger woman with a suspicious stare.
“I must be a glutton for punishment.”
She glanced down nervously at her hands. I could have been mistaken, but I was pretty sure a fleeting look of shame crossed her features. She played with the handle of her cup; it was clear that this wasn’t easy for her. But I had little sympathy left to give.
She touched the yellowing bruise again and winced slightly.
“I did this in a changing room, believe it or not.”
She laughed and shook her head slightly as if not quite believing it herself.
“I was trying on a pair of tight satin trousers, and I got my foot caught and fell out of the cubicle and hit my head. I think my pride was hurt even worse than my noggin. I had my arse exposed to half the shop, and I was wearing granny knickers too. That’ll teach me for loving such tight clothing. It was almost like karma was giving me a little kick for the way I’ve been behaving lately.”
I looked at her in surprise. This was not like the Jocasta I had known and disliked intensely over the last few months. The fact that she admitted to wearing granny knickers was shocking enough, but this woman was softly spoken and self-deprecating. In fact, the complete opposite to the Jocasta Jennings I had grown to loathe.
Her eyes looked up and there were unshed tears in the corner. I felt torn. The expression on her face was so forlorn and genuine, I felt instantly moved. But I knew she could turn the waterworks on at the drop of a hat. She had done it when talking about her ex. Those crocodile tears had seemed so genuine then too.
She wrung her hands together and let out a nervous laugh.
“I don’t know where to start, it’s all such a bloody mess.”
“Why don’t you start at the beginning. Just, please, can we have the honest version this time. If I want a work of fiction, I’ll get my Kindle out of my handbag.”
So that’s what she did. We sat opposite each other at that little table, and for the most part she talked and I listened.
She told me how she had been intimidated by me at work. That I always seemed so poised and professional and that made her feel less than. Like she was a rather uncouth and unsophisticated country bumpkin, and she worried she would never reach my level.
This took me completely by surprise. This was never the impression I had got from her.
She admitted she had crippling low self-esteem, and to combat that she would often go on the defensive. And her best form of defence was to attack. And that meant attacking me. Trying to undermine the person she felt overshadowed by. She had believed that if she belittled me, it would make her feel much better about herself. Like, somehow, she would be winning.
“But what about your Simon? You made us believe he was this controlling bully of a man, but that wasn’t at all what I witnessed at work.”
She had the grace to blush and drop her head.
“I know, I don’t know why I did that. I suppose I just thought that if people believed the worst about him, they would see the best in me. The truth is that Si is a lovely guy, too lovely if anything. He never stands up for himself, and even when I’m in the wrong, it’s always he who ends up apologising.”
She drained the last of her coffee, which must have been cold by now. I caught the attention of a passing waitress and ordered two more. I hadn’t had a cup yet, too engrossed in what she had been saying.
She dabbed at her eyes with a napkin to stem the flow of tears that freely flowed now.
“I know I treat him badly. I hate the way I am with him. When I’m mean and put him down, he looks like a little whipped puppy. But sometimes I just can’t help myself. I want him to be more of a man, to stand up to me, but he never does.”
I shook my head at her.
“But he is a man. A strong man in fact, to take all that from you and still hang around and never retaliate. He must see something in you that’s worth staying for.”
She laughed bitterly.
“I don’t know what. I do love him though, I really do. I suppose it’s the fact that I don’t love myself that makes me the way I am and treat him as I do. Si is such a good man; his family and friends love him; no one ever has a bad word to say about him, whereas I have no one. I think sometimes I’m jealous of him. I’ve driven all my friends away with my toxic ways, and most of my family don’t even speak to me any more.”
At least she seemed to understand that the problems lay with her.
She twisted the napkin around her fingers.
“We’re going to see a counsellor together. It was Si’s idea but I’m fully on board with it now. I truly want us to make it as a couple. I know there’s a lot of work to be done, but I’m willing to put in the effort. I’m just so glad he hasn’t given up on me.”
“That’s good. But why did you tell everyone he was your ex? That’s what I don’t understand. And why did you make me believe that you were in a relationship with Seb?”
She played with the silver teaspoon, now trying desperately not to meet my eyes.
“I suppose I saw the good in Seb, and the fact that he worshipped you made him the ultimate prize. I could see you liked him, even though you wouldn’t admit it, so I thought that if I could get with him, I would have somehow made it. I didn’t really think it through properly. He was never interested. If he had been, I don’t know what I would have done about Si.”
She laughed bitterly and shook her head.
“I like to think I would have finished with Si if I had got with Seb, but who knows? I probably would have seen the two of them behind each other’s back.”
At least she was being honest. I had to give her credit for that. Although hearing how close I could have been to losing Seb stung a little.
“Seb was fun to be around. He was so nice and decent, it made me feel better about myself. I loved helping him pick out smarter clothes and getting to know his friends. I could be a better, nicer version of me when I was with him. More the person I knew I should be. I realised he wasn’t interested in me as a girlfriend, but I couldn’t help making you believe we were. I got a kick out of seeing the hurt in your eyes when I talked about him. You tried to act so casual, like you weren’t bothered in the slightest, but I could tell the truth. I know that makes me a horrible bitch, and I’m so, so sorry.”
More tears were flowing now, and I truly believed they were genuine. I had been fooled before, but I chose to trust my instincts now. I rested my hand over her pale one and gave it a gentle, reassuring squeeze.
“But what about Fluck? You couldn’t have actually fancied him…could you?”
She shuddered slightly.
“I know you might not believe me, but that only ever happenedtheonce. It was like an out-of-body experience or something. I had flirted with him a bit before, I admit that, when we had our meetings. It was just a bit of banter, or so I thought.”
She stopped for a second and dropped her head into her hands with a deep moan.
“He even confided in me about his wife. I suppose that made me feel superior, that I had this information that no one else did. Made me feel somehow important. We ended up talking about Dinah leaving and how cut up he was, and that toxic trait in my personality just reared its ugly head. I suppose I saw myself sitting at your desk, enjoying the power and position that went with it, and in my ridiculous brain I thought that pleasing the boss might be my way to get there. You’re right, I’m the worst cliché there could possibly be. I know how badly you must have thought of me.”
I smiled gently at her.
“Well, for one thing, I thought you had a very friendly vagina; that kitty was prowling all around the office like she was on heat.”
Despite herself, she laughed. And I was glad. Anything to lighten the mood a little. But there was something important I needed to say.
“Jocasta, I’ve worked my arse off for many years to get to the position I’m in. And believe me, I’m no prude. But not once have I ever had to prostitute myself to get on in my career.”
She was nodding her head.
“I know, I know, I’m so ashamed of myself. I’ve spoken to my doctor about why I act the way I do. He thinks I’ve got serious self-esteem and anxiety issues, so we’re working on it together.”
“Well, that’s good, it sounds like you’re dealing with it in a positive way. “
“I know I’ve been horrible, done the worst things, been the worst person imaginable. But I’m going to change. Simon has been offered this new job in Manchester, and I’m going to go with him. It’s going to be our fresh start. Where we do things right this time.”
I worked out how far Manchester was from Leeds: 45 miles. Yes, that should be far enough. I was warming to the woman, but I still knew we would never be friends.
“You’ve left us all in the lurch at work, just walking out like that. Mind you, in the circumstances I think Fluck will be able to overlook it.”
She relaxed visibly, her shoulders appearing less hunched.
“I just couldn’t set foot back in there, once I knew what you’d seen. I was so ashamed. I idolised you, even though I never showed it, and to imagine what you would think of me, it was all too much. I really have been the sort of woman I usually hate. I’ve been horrendous. That horrible Facebook message, spilling coffee all over your gorgeous shirt. I must be the biggest bitch in Leeds, possibly the whole of Yorkshire.”
The coffee! I knew I had been right all along. Suddenly I felt vindicated.
I smiled at her kindly and tried to lighten the mood.
“Well, it’s fair to say you’ve been fairly divisive, and about as charming as cracker crumbs down one’s cleavage. But the biggest bitch in West Yorkshire? My dear, you clearly haven’t met my Auntie Maud.”
She laughed then. A little snot bubble escaped her nostril with a tiny high-pitched whistle. It was fair to say the sexy femme fatale look she had cultivated of late was well and truly gone.
“I’m sorry, Lila, I just wanted you to look up to me the way I did to you. But I know I went about things completely the wrong way. Will you ever be able to forgive me?”
I gave her a small smile as the waitress placed our steaming mugs of coffee down in front of us.
“Well, put it this way, why don’t you order us a couple of those gluten-free cakes from this lovely lady, and we’ll call it a peace offering.”