Chapter Six
Chapter Six
J enna held the urn to her chest as she and her friends walked together from the back porch, across the lawn, and to the edge of the lake. A soft breeze ruffled the leaves of the sweet gum tree at the edge of the firepit. She had no doubts that it was time to let her mother go, but she wasn’t sure if she could really spread Marsha’s ashes out over the water.
“This is your journey,” Kelly whispered when they reached the edge of the lake. “If you have changed your mind and want to go back, then we will.”
“I’ll never be ready to let her go.” Jenna kicked off her shoes and handed her phone to Amber. “When I open the urn, start the music.”
She waded out into the cool water until it came up to her knees. A thousand memories flashed through her mind, beginning with one when she was about three years old. Her mother took her out into the water and sat down with Jenna in her lap. She sang a children’s song, but Jenna could only remember the clear southern tone of her mother’s voice. Tears dammed up behind her eyelids and finally spilled out to roll down her cheeks. Her breath caught in her chest, and her hands went so clammy that the urn began to slip from her fingers.
Let me go. I want to be free, but most of all, I want you to be free. She gripped the urn tighter and sucked in a lungful of fresh morning air. The breeze brought all the scents her mother loved: roses blooming in the backyard, lake water, and the faint aroma of cinnamon from the sweet gum tree.
She removed the lid from the urn. “I love you, Mama.”
Jamey Johnson began to sing “Lead me Home” behind her as she slowly turned around in a circle and shook the ashes out. The breeze picked up the fine dust and swept it up toward heaven just as the lyrics of the song talked about standing on a mountain and looking over Jordan.
When all the ashes were dumped out, Jenna sat down in the circle floating on the top of the water and filled the urn with lake water. Her tears mingled with the water when she poured out the last remnants of her mother’s ashes and watched them sink below the lake’s surface. The words to Jamey’s song talked about hearing the angels sing. Jenna looked up at the big white fluffy clouds floating above her and imagined her mother’s voice joining them.
She stood up, carrying the wet urn close to her body, as she walked out of the water and up to where her friends waited. “Thank you for being here with me.”
“How do you feel?” Amber asked.
“Sad and happy at the same time,” Jenna answered. “That sounds crazy, but it’s true.”
Amber draped an arm around Jenna’s shoulders. “I understand perfectly. When I went to tell Gloria about Ethan and the kids, I felt the same way. But then a kind of peace settled over me, and it was almost as if I heard my baby giggle. It was kind of like I was finally letting go.”
Kelly gave Jenna a quick hug. “I had the same feelings when I accepted the job in Africa.”
Jenna sat down in one of the chairs around the firepit, set the ceramic urn on the arm of the chair, and watched the gentle waves on the lake take her mother’s ashes and wash them away. “Do you ever hear voices in your head?”
“Of course,” Kelly answered. “My grandmother pops in every now and then to give me some advice or just to come off with one of her sayings that makes me smile.”
“My granny does the same for me,” Amber said.
“Mama whispered to me last night,” Jenna told them. “She said that she wanted me to set her free, so I did.”
A hard gust of wind blew Jenna’s dark hair across her face. The temperature instantly dropped at least ten degrees. She shivered from the chill she got from her wet jeans and started to stand up. The urn wobbled when a blast of wind from the north hit it, and then Jenna’s elbow brushed against it. All three of the women saw it about to fall, and they grabbed for it at the same time, but none of them were fast enough. It fell onto the concrete apron around the firepit and shattered into a million tiny pieces.
Now I’m really free. Marsha’s voice was so real that Jenna looked out across the lake to see if her mother had risen from the ashes like a phoenix bird.
Kelly and Amber froze, and everything was silent for a few seconds. Then they both began to talk at the same time.
“I’m so sorry,” Kelly said.
“I’ll pick up all the pieces and glue it back together,” Amber whispered.
Jenna slowly shook her head. “She’s free now. She just popped into my head and told me. Evidently, she didn’t want me to keep that urn. And look”—she held up her hands—“the wind has died down. I’m going to believe that she broke that urn. We’ll sweep up the pieces after breakfast.”
Amber swiped away a tear. “Stranger things have happened.”
Kelly took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “It wouldn’t feel right to just throw them in the trash.”
“We could bury them under the rosebushes,” Amber suggested.
Jenna looked at all the pieces scattered around her feet. “Mama didn’t want to be buried in the ground. If there was even the smallest ash left clinging to a piece of that, I wouldn’t feel right putting it under dirt. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it?”
“No, it does not,” Kelly protested.
“I’m going to put them all in a plastic bag, along with the rose I dried from her memorial service, and tape it up good. Then I will walk out to the end of the dock and throw it out into the lake. Mama told me that the water is about thirty feet deep out in the middle, so no one would step on the shards and get hurt.”
“That’s a good idea,” Amber said, and took a couple of steps toward the house. “Let’s do it right now, and then go to the café to have crepes for breakfast. That can be like the family dinner following a funeral.”
“And we can talk about her,” Kelly followed after Amber.
Jenna hung back for just a moment, waiting for her mother’s voice. A cardinal flew down from the sweet gum tree and lit on the edge of the firepit. Marsha had told her on numerous occasions that seeing a pretty red cardinal meant she would either have good luck, or maybe get a spiritual lesson. The bird seemed to stare right at her as if trying to tell her something; then it took flight toward the house and landed on one of the red rosebushes.
“I get the message, Mama.” Jenna finally smiled. “Loud and clear.”
“Who are you talking to?” Amber asked and followed Jenna’s eyes back toward the house. “A cardinal means . . .”
“Good luck or something spiritual,” Kelly finished the sentence for her.
“It’s telling me not to throw the urn pieces in the lake. Mama threw a hissy fit every time a glass bottle washed up,” Jenna said. “We’ll bury them under the rosebushes, but not in a plastic bag. She’s flown away to the clouds. That urn was just the tent that she’s lived in for ten years. She doesn’t care what we do with it, but she loves her red roses.”
“That’s beautiful,” Amber said, as she swept up every single tiny piece and put them into the bag. “I’ll make sure that all the pieces are gathered if you want to go dig a little hole to put them in.”
Jenna nodded, and then noticed movement in her peripheral vision. She turned around and saw Carson jogging along the lake shore. She’d gotten the spiritual lesson about the urn. Was Carson bringing her the good luck part of seeing a cardinal?
“Hey,” he said, and waved. “What are y’all doing up so early? Did you fall in the lake? Are you alright?”
“We had a little ceremony with my mother’s ashes,” she said, amazed that there was no hitch in her voice, or tightness in her chest. “I sat down in the water to wash out the urn, and then a wind knocked it off the chair arm, and it broke.”
Carson pulled a red bandana from his pocket and wiped sweat from his forehead. “I’m so sorry. Scattering my folks’ ashes was very emotional for me.”
“I’m so sorry,” Jenna said. “I didn’t know your folks had passed.”
“Three years ago,” Carson said. “Uncle Victor and Aunt Dorena are all I have left, but today is not about me. Is there anything I can do to help?”
“I was about to dig a little hole under the rosebushes to put the broken pieces in,” Jenna answered. “And then we’re going to the café to have crepes.”
“Got a shovel or a garden trowel?” he asked.
Jenna nodded.
“I’ll be glad to take care of that for you.”
“Thank you,” Amber said.
“The shovel is in the work shed by the house,” Jenna told him. Carson walked along beside her on the way back to the house. Several times, his hand brushed against hers. Finally, she laced her fingers in his. “Thanks for doing this.”
“I’ll have it dug by the time you get changed, but I would like a bottle of water, if you wouldn’t mind. I forgot to bring one with me.”
“Come on inside and help yourself to a bottle of water or sweet tea,” she said. “They are both in the fridge.”
He stopped in the kitchen, but she went straight to her bedroom, with Kelly and Amber right behind her.
She shook her finger at both of them. “Not a word. I’m moving on.”
Kelly raised both hands into the air. “Praise the Lord!”
Jenna rolled her eyes toward the ceiling, stripped out of wet clothing, and redressed in dry underwear, jeans, and a plaid shirt, brushed her hair and twisted it up into a messy bun, and even applied just a little lipstick.
She cocked her head to one side, expecting to hear her mother’s voice, but there was nothing.
Don’t forsake me now, she thought.
Never.
That one word put a smile on her face, and she was humming “Toes” by the Zac Brown Band when she went back outside, again with Amber and Kelly behind her. Her mother had said that the lyrics to the song reminded her of how happy she was in the summer when they could leave the busy life behind and live simply at the lake.
“I recognize that song.” Carson pointed to the shallow hole he had already dug under the middle rosebush.
“Mama loved it,” Jenna said.
Amber handed her the bag, and she poured the pieces into the dirt and carefully pushed the dirt back over them. When she looked up from the job, she locked eyes with Carson.
“Now what?” she asked.
“Now, we go to the café, have breakfast, and talk about Marsha,” Amber answered.
“You want to come with us?” she asked Carson.
“No, Aunt Dorena is making biscuits and gravy.” Carson blinked and looked away. “She’ll shoot me if I don’t show up. Uncle Victor thinks it’s a sin to waste good food, so he’ll eat it all if I’m not there. She worries about his health. But thanks for the invitation. I’ve got a junior ranger group coming out from Point Blank for a field trip this morning at nine. Victor is going with me to show me the ropes on an excursion like this. Y’all have a great day. Maybe I’ll catch up to y’all later this evening.” He waved over his shoulder and jogged toward Victor and Dorena’s place.
“We’ll be looking for you,” Jenna called out.
“What just happened?” Amber whispered.
“I took the first step to truly move on,” Jenna answered.