Chapter 19 Yours
?Azalea?
I spend two days thinking, well actually, trying not to think about things.
He's done exactly what I asked of him, and it warms my heart to know that he lets me have my time and space to think.
But I've thought enough and he's waited for me long enough.
If I hurt him as much as I thought I did, he wouldn't be apologizing to me, right?
It still doesn't change the guilt that sits with me but it doesn't matter about me, as long as he's happy.
I'm just me, nothing special. He's special.
I climb out the bathtub and wrap a towel around me. I drain out the now cold water from the hour long bath and mosey back into my room.
I pull on a pair of shorts and a hooded sweatshirt once I realize that it's rainy out today.
And as something different, I pull my hair back into a single French braid. I take a good three or four breaks, only now realizing how long my air actually is.
Once I finish, the braid reaches just to the middle of my back.
I confine my feet in my pair of basic white converse that are only worn in the winter and on rainy days.
I press my ear against my door, listening for any signs of Dad. When I don't hear any, I open it softly and walk quietly down the stairs.
I pass by him but thankfully he's still passed out from all the drinking he did last night. I could hear him up at three stumbling over furniture and turning the tv up loud.
I grab my keys off the hook and sigh in relief once I'm out.
I park near Grey's restaurant and get out carefully. Unlike every other day, I don't walk nearly as fast as I can to get to him.
Lord knows what'll happen when I see him. He may be mad at me for leaving him.
Over the past couple days, I think I've thought of every scenario.
And as I open the door, I turn just a little nervous.
My eyes meet Jai's and a concerned look takes over his face.
"Are you okay?" He asks, "you look sad."
For the first time in two days, I give a little smile.
"I'm okay," I nod.
"If you're looking for Grey, he's not here," he explains and my eyebrows furrow.
"Where is he?"
"I'm not sure," he gives me a shrug.
"On Tuesday he left not long after you did. He hasn't came back since until today but he went out a while ago," he says and I nod.
Does he want me to see him?
"Since when has the cat got your tongue?" He gives me a sweet smile.
"I'm sorry," I mumble.
He opens his mouth to say something but closes it when the door behind me opens.
A tall figure looms over me and Grey's wonderful scent envelops my nose.
I feel his hand travel up and under the back of my sweatshirt. Warmth radiates from him onto my back.
"Can we talk?" I whisper up to him. He gives me a light nod before taking his hand off my back and gripping onto my hand.
I offer Jai a tight-lipped smile as Grey drags me away.
We finally come to a stop once we're in his office. He shuts the door behind me before turning to see me.
Before he can say anything, I do.
"Grey I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you for not telling me or sad about that I promise," I try to stop my eyes from being watery but it doesn't work.
"I've never told anyone what I told you about the crash.
No one but you knows what I saw because I never wanted anyone to picture Jake looking the way I saw him.
He deserved to stay in the minds of people he knew as the funny and nice guy he was.
I was so upset because I thought I ruined that for you," I keep my eyes away from his entire form.
"You can't take the blame for everything," he says, serious.
"I can if it makes someone else feel better," I reply quietly. He grips my chin not painfully but hard enough to get my attention.
"You can't live like that Lilah," he says sternly.
"I knew how Jake was. I knew the type of person he was. That'll never change no matter what. You haven't ruined anything. You've helped. And you've helped yourself," he says and I only shake my head.
"Helping myself is selfish," I say softly.
"Not when it's something you need."
It's silent for a while. I feel his eyes travel all over my face.
"They blame you, don't they?" He asks quietly. My heart falls a little and my breath halts. I just know he's talking about the crash.
He pulls me closer to him.
"Is that what's hurting you so bad?" His voice stays soft as can be.
That's the only thing I've heard from Dad about the accident. That it was all my fault.
And no one has ever told me differently or known about how he blames me. Except for Grey.
"When something is drilled into your head, it's hard to believe someone else when they tell you the opposite," I tell him truthfully indirectly referring to how he told me the accident wasn't my fault.
Realization crosses his features. His hand falls under my butt and he lifts me up to him. He sits down on the floor with me in his lap, facing him.
With my heart feeling heavy and all he lets me lean the side of my head against his shoulder.
He waits a while as if searching for words. I already know he's not great with his words but I'm not looking for some sort of crazy, deep, and meaningful speech. Him just holding me to him can be enough.
"You need to see that it wasn't your fault. Things like that are out of control; out of your control. You can't blame yourself," he makes sure I'm looking right up at him, "And don't listen to the bullshit that you already know comes out their mouths."
"Because you," his hand comes to rest on the side of my face, "don't deserve to be treated any less than fucking perfect."
I begin shaking my head.
"Don't argue with me."
"But-" I get cut off.
"I said don't."
"Okay," I agree softly. He leans down and places a feather-like kiss on the corner of my mouth. He places his hands back under the back of my sweatshirt and I sigh contently.
"You like that?" he questions quietly. Who doesn't like backrubs? I offer him a small nod and he places his other hand under my hoodie too.
"Can I make a rule?" he asks suddenly. I nod against him.
"We can't keep anything from each other," he says and I feel my muscles tense. What muscles? Not the strong ones that I don't have.
I automatically think of dad. I can't tell him. Thankfully, he can't see my face because I'm nearly in tears at the thought of breaking a rule already.
"Good?" he mumbles and I pause.
"Good," my voice just barely cracks.
"Jake talked about you a lot," his voice rumbles against me. A slight frown etches onto my face.
"He never talked about any of this," I refer to the whole 'fed' thing. I'm still not even sure what is going on.
"Or whatever you do is."
"I work as the head of the FAA," he explains and my head turns confused, "Federal Assistance Agency."
"So that's why some of those guys call you 'boss'?" I come to the realization, now looking up at him, very interested. He rolls his eyes and nods.
"I thought you were in the FBI?"
"We're branched off from the FBI. We hold our own regulations, separate from them. We're independent," he explains, "But we're trained the same."
"You know how the Titanic's sister ship was the Olympic? You're like the FBI's sister, the FAA!"
I couldn't be more proud of myself for remembering third-grade history. He holds a blank face but I know that he knows that it was good.
"But you really do catch bad guys and stuff?"
"We assist in failed cases, our own federal cases, fucked up ones, particularly dangerous ones, and some regular shit," he shrugs.
"Ooh. You do the dirty work," I smile. His eyes find my lips and the corners of his raise.
"There's that fuckin' smile," he pulls me closer to him, resting his forehead on mine.
"I don't want you to go that long without that smile anymore," he throws a big ole blush up on my face. I pull away in thought and also trying to get the attention off of my red face.
"Why didn't Jake tell me about this? Was he in it too?" I furrow my eyebrows.
"He was young but already eighteen. He wasn't allowed in field work, being so young, but he did a lot for us. He worked computers with our main tech guy, he helped Theo with the weaponry, and he trained harder than anyone I've ever known. He deserved to go out with us on cases more than anyone."
"He never wanted you to worry about him," Grey's thumb brushes over my cheekbone. So Grey knew about me all along?
"You knew who I was from the beginning?" Grey hesitates at my question. Then why was he so mean to me?
"I had only ever seen one picture of you and it was for a split second, years ago," he explains, "I thought you only looked familiar until you told me your name."
"But," I sigh, "why were you mean to me."
"I was guilty."
"Why were you guilty?" I question softly.
"Your brother did everything he could to keep your name and your face out of this place.
He never wanted you involved. I was the only person who ever saw your picture.
I felt guilty because when I first met you in person, I was so fucking attracted to you.
I felt like I owed it to him to leave you alone but there I was, getting a fucking hard-on watching you suck the straw of your fucking milkshake, goddammit. "
My mouth falls open a bit. My body temperature rises. Good God almighty, he's got a potty mouth.
I've only known what the term he used for boner was because of Aaron. Who uses it when talking about dark haired girls he meets at college parties. Nasty boy.
"Horny?" I blurt squeakily.
"Very fucking horny." Oh dear Jesus.
"And I knew I couldn't treat you right so I wanted you away. But guess fucking what? My horny ass couldn't stay away from you," I watch as his eyebrows scrunch, recalling how he felt then.
"I prayed for Jake to forgive me and I kissed you," he speaks of our first kiss.