20
I try to fall asleep with her image etched in my mind, but I can’t.
The argument we had a few days ago has me trapped in a loop of anxiety that I don’t know how to escape.
I grab a packet of cigarettes and a lighter before heading to the lake in the back garden.
There, I start taking drags, staring at my reflection in the crystal-clear waters of the lake.
The years have hardened my features. They turned me into someone lethal, but somehow the memories remain hidden in my head, coming out in my worst moments with distorted voices.
I am cursed. The resentment and pain that still seeps into my bones after they stole her away from me are no more than fuel to push my madness to its limit.
Soon, my reflection is joined by someone else. Polina. Neither of us say anything for a long time. We just stand there watching the fireflies that barely light up a few plants, offering each other support based on silence and respect for personal space.
“How do you do it?” she blurts out, frowning. I look at her, urging her to speak. “You don’t drink, you don’t do drugs. How can you stand living in this hell?”
“I was born for this,” I say, throwing my cigarette on the ground, although that’s not entirely true.
The monster I am now was forged by my father with blood, sweat, and tears.
By sending me to the military academy in Moscow he made sure to fracture my broken pieces even further.
Until they were divided into so many parts that it was impossible to find them and put them back together.
But even so, all the broken pieces of my soul had chosen her as their support to continue existing and not fade away.
She is my fucking anchor and the reason why I’m still breathing.
Before the memories come flooding back, I notice her arm bruised from the heroin injections she secretly takes.
“But you shouldn’t do that, It only breaks you more. Maybe try to use that energy to fight back.”
“I will. I’ll fight for you. Always for you.” I almost choke on my own saliva. The way she looks at me through the reflection in the water only proves Denis was right. Shit.
“I don’t need you to do anything for me, Polina,” I say without looking her in the eyes.
She parts her lips, wanting to say something else that I’m not willing to hear as I head back to my room.
Norman stands up and offers me his hand to shake in greeting as soon as I enter the office. I refuse it and sit down in front of him, kicking away my dog and removing him from on top of my leg.
“Shut the fuck up,” I warn when he starts whining like a wounded stray dog. “We have guests.” My lips curl into a sneer.
“The quality of those livers was excellent. I’d like to order four more.”
“When?”
“In two days. Those gringo sons of bitches have me in their sights. I guess you already know that.”
“I know, and I don’t give a fuck,” I say, hiding a smile.
I’m mocking him to his face, and all he does is clench his jaw and look away. Fuck. I don’t need soft people like him right now.
“If you don’t mind, I have better things to do,” I murmur, about to get up and end our conversation, until he speaks again.
“This time I’d like them to be from someone younger. Around sixteen, perhaps.”
“The minimum age is eighteen, no less.” He forces a smile, trying to hide his discontent. I know he will get it anyway, but not from me. I have limits.
“All right. I’ll send one of my guys to pick them up.”
When I’m alone again I pick up the phone and dial Denis. He doesn’t take long to appear.
“I need you to get me four more for tomorrow,” I say in a low whisper. My attention focused on one of the photos of us that I still have on my phone from 4 years ago.
Lena is wearing a purple hat and her reddish hair is speckled with snowflakes. I’m behind her with my nose buried in her hair as I hold the camera to take the photo. Part of my smile is hidden between her neck and her hair, with only my eyes and hair clearly visible in the photo.
It was a cold winter night in Toronto. Lena and I had escaped for a few hours to an ice rink a little way out of town. It was late, so the building was closed to the public, but that didn’t stop us.
“Do you really think I can learn to skate with these things on my feet?”
“It’s easier than you think,” I said, holding her hips under her coat to make it easier for her to step onto the ice with her skates on.
Then I linked my fingers with hers and guided her across the rink. It wasn’t difficult for me to skate backwards. I looked over my shoulder from time to time, but most of the time I had my eyes fixed on her and the sparkle that highlighted the amazing green of her eyes.
When she got used to the blades, I went a little faster. Caught up in the adrenaline of the moment, she let out a squeal and started laughing, holding my fingers tighter. The smile on her lips had made me forget how to breathe and I lost my balance, falling onto the ice with her on top of me.
“I’m sorry. Are you okay?” I asked, leaning over her body to continue checking her without crushing her.
Her laughter calmed my concern a little, but my eyes kept checking her until I found a small scratch sticking out of her gray thermal tights.
“That was fun,” she said, still smiling. Then she looked down at where my gaze was.
“Don’t worry. They were old anyway.”
I didn’t hear her. The desire that was unleashed when I saw a couple of red drops sliding down her leg clouded my other senses, and without thinking too much about it, I brought the tip of my tongue to the edge of her wound.
By the time I realized what I was doing, it was too late.
I lifted my head, modesty covering my cheeks, preparing myself for whatever she was going to say to me, while my tongue continued to savor the delicious taste of her blood for the first time.
I dismissed the idea of cleaning her wound again with my tongue for fear of having an orgasm right there.
“Don’t you think… it’s disgusting to do that?” she asked. Her cheeks as red as mine.
“No. Nothing about you is repulsive, and besides, I like tasting your blood. It’s the most delicious thing I’ve ever tasted in my life,” I said, brushing her left cheek with my finger.
“You talk like a vampire,” she scoffed with an amused smile.
“Well then, I’ll bite you and suck your blood,” I replied in the same way, bringing my mouth close to her neck to start tickling her lightly.
“At your service, my lord.” Denis’s voice pulls me out of my little bubble filled with old memories.
Then he tilts his head, looking at me with curious eyes.
“Can I get you something for breakfast? Some antidepressant toast with coffee, perhaps? By the way, I see a gray hair here,” he scoffs, bringing his hand close to a strand of my short hair.
I move my head away before he can touch it.
“I want her with me,” I whisper without being aware of when the words slip out of my mouth.
Everything I do feels automatic. I’m not really present in what I’m doing, and for the first time in years I feel like I’m in a dead-end tunnel. One in which the idea of her completely erasing me from her mind leaves a painful echo.
“You’ve been telling me that all week,” he scoffs in annoyance. “Fuck, no. Do I need to remind you how that ended last time? You know it’s a bad idea,” he retorts, reading my thoughts.
Sometimes I swear he can get inside my head and know what I’m thinking. It’s fucking disturbing.
“What am I supposed to do then?”
“Talk to her.”
“She doesn’t want to,” I say, raising my voice louder.
“Try it. The only thing you’ll lose is your head when Ray finds out you’re trying to shove your cock into his daughter.” He shrugs indifferently.
I look at him, moving my piercing between my teeth, weighing up the idea of approaching her again.
“By the way, I heard he was in a car accident.” I frown.
“Don’t worry, the father-in-law is still alive.
Too bad for your father,” he says mockingly, implying what I’d have already known without him telling me expressly.
“He also used my Romi as a pawn after brainwashing her into getting into Ray’s house.
The fucking evil he is.” His face furrows in outrage for Kristoff talking his dear friend into doing whatever the fuck it was.
If that’s true then that stupid girl was very lucky I was the one in charge of finishing her off and not Lena. She would have been more ruthless than me if she had found out sooner.
I get up from my chair and dial his number, pacing around the room under Denis’s watchful gaze as I wait for him to answer.
At another time, I wouldn’t have cared. I might even have helped him finish the job.
But now I can’t bring myself to do that, knowing the sadness I would see in her eyes afterwards.
Not to mention her lack of trust in me. The last thing I need right now is for her to think I have anything to do with it.
I curse and throw the burner phone onto the sofa so hard that it bounces and falls to the floor. The coward son of a bitch isn’t going to answer, so I will have to go personally to his fucking house and demand answers. May as well knock some sense into him.
“Another one for the trash…” Denis mutters, shaking his head with a look of disapproval.
“Do you know something about global warming? You can’t be buying and breaking…
” His voice now sounds distant as I walk to the door.
I need to be alone and gather enough patience to not break his neck as soon as I see him.
I go downstairs to a dark room lit by candles and decorated with symbols. The smell of sulfur mingles with the candles, leaving a pleasant warmth in the small room. Then I stop in front of the table, looking at her photo posing in front of the sacred book opened to a random page.