17. Dependency Depends on Me #2
He pulls up to the front doors of the school, and I jump out before the car even comes to a full stop. As soon as I’m inside, I text Lavender to tell her I’m here and on my way to the theater.
She doesn’t ask any questions, like how I managed to get here when I have practice.
Lavender
in the prop room
I burst through the door that leads directly to the stage. I know the drama room well, even though there’s no way I would ever be part of any kind of production.
I search for Courtney in the group of kids standing around, but I don’t see her.
I head for the hall leading to the prop room, and one of the boys calls out, “The gym is on the other side of the school.”
The drama teacher, Miss Garrett, calls my name, but I ignore her. My whole body breaks out in a cold sweat. I’m going to get in trouble for this—from Miss Garrett and definitely from my dad when I’m not back in two minutes—but I don’t care. Lavender needs me.
It’s dark behind the curtains, like a starless night sky, because the walls are painted black. As soon as I start down the hall, the noise of the students on the stage disappears, replaced by Courtney’s nasal voice.
“What’s wrong with you? You just do this to get attention. You know no one likes you, right? Everyone thinks you’re a weirdo and a loser. They’re only nice to you because of your brothers and Kody.”
I rush toward her voice and the plaintive, low sound of Lavender trying not to cry.
When I finally reach them, I find not only Courtney, but two of her other friends too.
They form a wall in front of the prop room, blocking the way out.
The room is dark, but the glow of a phone illuminates the girls’ faces and the fact that one of them is covering the light switch with her hand.
They don’t notice me, so I approach quietly, waiting until I’m right behind them before I growl, “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
Courtney shrieks, and the other two girls gasp and spin around.
I slap the light switch on the wall, bathing the prop room in a harsh fluorescent glow.
Rage makes my blood boil when I see Lavender backed into a corner, curled in on herself on the floor, forearms pressed against her ears to protect her from their words, face tucked into her knees, hands clenched into fists.
Courtney raises her hands, eyes wide, feigning innocence. “Kody! Oh my gosh, Lavender’s having one of her meltdowns, and we were trying to help.”
I get in real close and drop my voice. “By calling her a weirdo and a loser? Get outta my way, now.”
I push between them and crouch down in front of Lavender, acting as her shield. “Leave us alone,” I snap, running a gentle hand over the back of her head and softening my tone. “It’s okay, I’m here.”
A full-body shudder runs through her, and she makes a sound, but there aren’t any words yet. I wrap her in a protective hug and whisper the calming words that help bring her back down.
“Just ignore them, Lavender. It’s you and me right now.
I got you.” I put my hand over one of hers and encourage her to unclench her fist so I can put her palm against the side of my neck.
This helps the most, for her to feel how much her panic is mine too, and then we breathe together until she’s calm again.
Her palm is damp and slick, and her nails bite briefly into the side of my neck as I flatten it there. I’m worried she’s hurt herself. It happens sometimes when the panic gets really bad, like that time she got locked in the closet.
The sound of heels coming down the hall barely registers as Lavender drags in deep, gasping breaths, struggling to match her breathing to mine.
“What’s going on back here?” Miss Garrett demands.
“Lavender’s having an episode. We were trying to help her, but you know how she gets, Miss G,” Courtney lies.
“You should’ve come to get me instead of trying to handle it yourself,” she chastises. “Kody? What are you doing here?”
“I’m helping. And Courtney is a liar. They were bullying Lavender, calling her names and making things worse.” I don’t bother looking over my shoulder when I address the teacher.
Suddenly Courtney and her friends are loud, defensive, calling me a liar.
Lavender scrambles to get closer, to hide more of herself.
She’s tiny, the smallest girl in her class, and I’m already five-seven, so I dwarf her and cover her almost completely, keeping her safe from Courtney and the other mean girls.
She buries her face against my chest, trying to muffle the desperate sounds that leak out of her.
I keep telling her it’s okay and that I’m here and no one can see her while Miss Garrett orders the girls to go to the office.
“Kody, I need you to let go of Lavender, please,” Miss Garrett says.
“Just give me a minute. I can make it better,” I tell her.
Miss Garrett touches my shoulder. “I know you’re trying to be a good friend, but this isn’t appropriate.”
“She needs me!” I snap.
“If you don’t do as I ask, Kody, I’m going to have to get the principal.”
Lavender takes a deep breath and lifts her head, those bright blue eyes meeting mine. She mouths the words I’m sorry and drops her hand from the side of my neck.
I don’t want to let her go, but I also don’t want to get in trouble with the principal, and I’m already going to be in shit with my dad over this. There’s no winning, Lavender is going to be embarrassed, and there’s a good chance she won’t be at school tomorrow as a result.
“Oh my goodness, Kody! Are you okay?” Miss Garrett’s eyes are wide with shock, and her horrified gaze is locked on the side of my neck.
I don’t understand, at least not until I rub my sweat-damp skin and look down at Lavender’s palms, which are decorated with crescent-shaped cuts, oozing blood because her nails are too long again. She curls her fingers into fists to hide the damage.
“It’s fine. I’m not hurt; Lavender is,” I tell her.
“Did those girls do this to you?” Miss Garrett crouches down beside us.
Lavender shakes her head, eyes darting between me and Miss Garrett.
“It happens when she’s really upset; she can’t control it,” I explain, encouraging Lavender to open her hands.
Miss Garrett’s hand comes up to cover her mouth, but she quickly schools her expression and clears her throat, her eyes soft. “We need to get you to the office so we can get those looked at, Lavender.”
Now that the panic is over, for both me and Lavender, I can see how big the problems are here, and now I’m worried about a lot more than hockey practice and my dad being mad that I lied.
I’m worried about Lavender getting bullied even worse because of this, and what Queenie is going to say when I have therapy later this week.
But I shove that into the box in my head and lock it for now. I’ll have lots of time to worry later.
“Can we clean up her hands first, please, Miss Garrett?”
She purses her lips and nods slowly. “Of course.” I can tell she’s unsure about leaving me alone with Lavender, but she pushes to a stand. “I’ll be right back.”
As soon as she’s gone, I turn back to Lavender. “Has it been this bad for a while? And don’t lie; I’ll know if you’re not telling the truth.”
She licks her lips, her tongue running over the scar on the bottom one. “I was handling it okay until today,” she whispers. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault.”
“You’re going to be in trouble.”
I shrug, like it doesn’t matter. She’s already upset enough. She doesn’t need more things to worry about. So I lie, not wanting to send her back into the panic. “It’s gonna be fine.”
Miss Garrett returns with damp paper towels, and we clean up Lavender’s hands and the side of my neck.
We’re on our way to the front office when it finally registers that my phone is buzzing in my pocket.
I’m scared to answer it, aware my dad is going to freak out.
I don’t have a chance to figure out what I’m going to tell him, though, because he’s in the office when we arrive.
My dad is a really big guy. He’s over six feet tall with wide shoulders.
He’s mostly calm, and he doesn’t get mad about much.
My mom calls him her big teddy bear. It’s kinda gross the way they are with each other.
But my mom is right; my dad is soft, and the second he sees Lavender, head bowed, shoulders curled in like she’s trying to hide herself from the world, the anger drains from his face and empathy settles in its place.
Sometimes it bugs me how different my dad is about Lavender and my mom’s anxiety than he is mine.
His gaze shifts between Lavender and me as all the pieces come together, but it’s Miss Garrett he addresses. “What’s going on?”
Her smile is strained and questioning. “There was an incident, and Kody was trying to help.”
“Lavender, are you okay, honey?” my dad asks softly.
She wrings her hands and nods, peeking up at him. “I’m sorry. I don’t want Kodiak to get in trouble.”
His face softens even more, and a sad smile pulls at the corner of his mouth. I don’t like the way it makes my stomach feel. “I know that, sweetheart.”
Miss Kay, the guidance counselor, appears in her office doorway, and she and Miss Garrett exchange a look as Lavender wordlessly moves into her office. She glances over her shoulder once more, expression full of uncertainty.
I spend the next half hour in the principal’s office with my dad and Miss Garrett, explaining what happened.
I don’t really know Lavender’s side of the story, but I tell them mine—how I know Courtney has been saying things to Lavender for a while, that I didn’t know how bad it was, and that I overheard them saying mean things to her when I found them trapping her in the prop room.