Infinite
Kodiak
Present day
IWAIT, SITTING on the top step outside Lavender’s door.
She appears at the landing and gives me a small smile. “No breaking and entering this time?”
I grin sheepishly. I could’ve picked the lock, but waiting for her seems symbolic of this new version of us. “Figured it was better if you let me into your space, considering the conversation. Everything okay with River?”
“I think so. He’s spent so much of his life focused on me that he hasn’t looked enough at himself and what he wants.
We had that year apart, which was good for both of us, but now that I’m here it’s like we’re right back where we started.
He needs to figure himself out, just like we need to figure us out. ”
I nod. “I guess I never thought about it like that.” But it makes sense. “Now that you don’t need looking out for, everything has shifted.”
“But he’ll be okay. I think he probably needed someone to tell him it’s okay to live for himself instead of everyone else.”
She holds out her hand, her expression both expectant and the tiniest bit uncertain until I stand and thread my fingers through hers. The connection we’ve always had feels stronger than ever.
She unlocks her door, and we slip inside.
The lamp beside her sewing machine is the only light in the room and casts shadows over her face, making it hard for me to read her expression.
She links our fingers again and leads me over to her bed, flicking on the light beside it, which washes the pale purple comforter in its soft glow.
She turns on her stereo, and the low tones of her favorite band fill the room.
Lavender doesn’t speak as she moves me to sit on the edge of her bed.
My heart pounds, and my palms are damp. I wipe them on my thighs and part my legs as she steps into the space.
Those vibrant blue eyes meet mine as she sifts her fingers through my hair.
I feel the contact through my entire body, all the way to the core of my guilty, fractured soul.
“I missed you so much,” I whisper. “It’s been hell being this close to you and still feeling like we were a million miles apart.”
She nods and inhales a slow, steadying breath as she steps in closer, wrapping her arms around me. I mirror the movement, pulling her into me and feeling the pulse in her throat against my cheek, breathing in her familiar scent.
Lavender traces the infinity symbol up and down the back of my neck, along my spine, and I echo the pattern between her shoulder blades. Our breathing syncs, our heartbeats find a steady rhythm, and we hold on to each other, anchors and buoys.
I turn my face toward her, her pulse thrumming against my lips. We both make a soft, needy sound and chuckle at the same time. Lavender shifts to straddle my lap and begins the torturous process of tracing the contours of my face, her fingers, gentle and warm, skimming my lips and eyes.
I encircle her wrist and kiss the tip of each finger and the faded scars on her palm before I place it against the side of my neck. I brush my thumb across her bottom lip, over the scar that marked a beginning and an ending we never could have predicted.
“I want to take away every hurt I caused, but I don’t know how,” I admit.
She cups my face between her warm palms. “You can start by erasing all the little lies with truths.”
It’s Lavender who tips her chin up and brings my mouth to hers.
My entire universe shifts back into alignment.
Her lips part, and I breathe in her forgiveness as our tongues meet on a soft stroke.
I catalogue this moment: the slight weight of her body in my lap, the way her breasts press against my chest, the arch in her spine, the hum of her need vibrating through me, the uneven texture of her bottom lip where the scar is, the taste of watermelon Jolly Rancher, the smell of her sheets, her lavender shampoo, and her vanilla body lotion.
Everything about this has been inevitable—our connection a wire stretched tight to the point of snapping, but with enough strength to survive the tension. We’ve been traveling in a figure eight, passing each other until we finally got the timing right and met in the middle.
The calm I haven’t experienced in years merges with a desire so all-consuming, it feels like I’m melting from the inside.
Lavender’s hands slide under the hem of my shirt, pushing the fabric up.
She breaks our kiss and tugs it over my head, then removes her shirt.
Her bra is the color of her name. It’s made of satin and lace, pretty, delicate.
She takes my hand and places it over her heart—which also means I’m palming her breast—and mirrors the action with her own hand. A small smile tips the corner of her mouth, and she whispers, “Your need is my need.”
It breaks the heavy tension filling the space around us, but only for a few seconds, because we lean in at the same time, mouths connecting once again. I explore her curves, the dip at her waist, the swell of her breasts, and I reach between her shoulder blades to flick the clasp on her bra.
Part of me wants to rush, to get inside her and seal the connection that’s never dissipated, no matter how hard I tried to build a wall between us.
You can’t keep out what makes your heart beat in the first place.
But everything about the way she touches me is unhurried, slow and gentle, and I respond in kind, stripping down until we’re bared for each other.
She pulls the cover back, and we stretch out on her sheets, legs tangled together, hands roaming as we sink deeper into our kiss.
I smooth my palm down her stomach, and she makes the softest sound when I dip between her thighs.
I lift my head, eyes on hers as I circle her clit and go lower, easing a finger inside.
Her brow pulls down, and her teeth press into her lip, so close to that scar. She places one hand against the side of my neck, and the other moves down to rest on top of mine.
“Do you want me to stop?”
She shakes her head.
“Keep going?”
“Please.”
I curl my finger, watching as her eyes soften and her breathing grows shallow and ragged. Her nails dig into the side of my neck, little punishments I hope I get to wear tomorrow on my skin.
Her hips lift and roll, her hand pressing hard on top of mine, urging me deeper. I kiss my way down her body and bury my face between her legs, licking up the length of her, desperate to swallow her down and have the taste of her orgasm on my tongue.
“Oh my God!” Lavender drags in a gasping breath, and her thighs clamp against my ears as I cover her clit.
I grip her hips to keep her from wriggling away. “Too much?”
She nods, and her fingertips skim my cheek. “Be soft for me.”
I nuzzle in, lapping at her, learning her body and what she likes, what takes her higher and what pulls her away from the edge. I don’t know how long I spend with my face between her thighs, but when she comes, it’s on the sweetest sigh.
I kiss my way back up, and she wraps her legs around my waist. Pulling my mouth to hers, she makes a sound between a moan and a hmm before she breaks the kiss.
“Do you like the way I taste?” Curiosity colors her words and her expression.
I groan into a laugh. “Yes, Lavender, I like the way you taste. So much so that I will gladly eat you any time you want.”
“That’s good, because I think I’m going to want you to do that a lot.” She captures my top lip between her teeth and bites gently. “I like how much softer your tongue is than my fingers. And those sounds you make, like you’re starving for me.”
I stroke her cheek. “That’s because I have been.”
She shifts under me and makes a needy noise in the back of her throat. “Will you be in me?”
I drop my forehead to hers. “Do you want me to?”
“It’s a need, not a want.”
I don’t know why her words strip me down. “You’re sure?”
“I’ve always been sure, Kodiak.”
“Let me get a condom.” I reach for my discarded jeans, hoping I remembered to put one in my wallet.
“I’m on the pill.”
I freeze and meet her searching gaze. Questions I have no right to ask sit on my tongue.
She arches a brow in challenge. “Unless you think it’s a bad idea.”
“I haven’t . . . there hasn’t been—” I haven’t been with anyone since she arrived in Chicago.
And I’ve always used condoms, but I don’t want to have to admit that to her and risk ruining this.
“Condoms are safer,” I grind out. But even as I say it, I ease my hips back, the head of my cock sliding over her clit and going low until I’m nudging at her entrance.
“Just this first time, then.”
“Just this time,” I agree. I lean down to kiss her, shifting until my fingers curl around her nape so I can feel her pulse against my palm. She mirrors the movement, her breath leaving her on an unsteady exhale, the same way mine does.
“Okay?” I ask.
She nods, and our gazes stay locked as I ease inside, inch by inch.
Lavender’s eyes flare, her lips forming the words oh God as my hips meet hers. Her nails dig into the back of my neck, and her knees press into my sides.
I’m unprepared for the way it feels to be connected to her so completely. My entire body hums with foreign energy, lighting up from the inside like a neon sign. She’s so warm and tight and wet and soft.
“Are you okay?” I grind out.
“Yes. Are you?” Her finger travels in a figure eight along the top of my spine.
I have to close my eyes for a second to block out her guileless eyes and get a handle on the emotions and sensations. Sex with Lavender isn’t just physical; it’s every part of me and every part of her fusing into one.
We’ve always been connected in ways that defy reason, and now, in this, it’s like a circuit completing. Emotions pass between us, thick with desire, electric and dangerously addicting.
“Kodiak?” Her thumb strokes along the edge of my jaw, and I open my eyes.
“I’m here.”
“I know. I can feel you.” She pulls my mouth down to hers. Every point of connection is another place we’re plugged into each other. I hover in some odd state of anxious calm. The urge to shift my hips is hard to deny, but I wait until Lavender tells me she’s ready for more.
“Show me your truth,” she whispers.
I start to move, long strokes and a slow climb. Lavender tilts her hips, eyes locked on my face. Logic slips away, and primal desire takes hold. The need to claim and be claimed overwhelms as I move faster, go deeper, and try to get closer.
Lavender whispers words of encouragement against my lips, more and yes and oh, right there. I slide a hand under her and fold back on my knees, taking her with me so she’s sitting in my lap and we’re chest to chest, skin slick with sweat, breath coming in quick, hard pants.
“Do you think you can come?” I ask.
She grips my shoulders. “Maybe? I don’t know.”
“Help me get you there,” I beg.
She palms the back of my neck with one hand and drops the other between her thighs. Her fingertips graze the base of my cock where we’re joined. I groan, and we both look down as she makes tight circles over her swollen clit. I stay deep, rocking her over me.
A quiet moan bubbles up, and she contracts around me.
As soon as her eyes flutter open, I grip her hips and move her, lifting and lowering, hard and fast, slamming her down on my cock as my own orgasm rockets through me—a violent power surge that turns the world black before my vision returns in a vivid, colorful burst.
We stay wrapped around each other for long minutes, foreheads pressed against each other’s necks as our hearts slow to calm. I feel equal parts sated and ravenous.
Eventually I turn my head and kiss my way back to her lips. I don’t want to break the connection, but we can’t stay like this forever.
I reach over to her nightstand and grab a handful of tissues, lifting her off me so I can clean her up. I drop a quick kiss on her lips and disappear into the bathroom to take care of myself and bring a warm washcloth out for her.
When I return, she pulls back the covers and I stretch out beside her. She runs her fingers through my hair, her expression pensive. “I understand now.” Her voice is raspy and low.
“Understand what?” I can’t stop touching her, my fingers trailing up and down the length of her spine, her soft, wavy hair tickling the back of my hand.
“Why you lied.”
“I wasn’t in control,” I admit.
“Neither of us was,” she replies. “They were right to keep us apart, weren’t they?”
I want to disagree, but I can’t. “This.” I skim the contour of her face with a single fingertip.
“The way it feels to be with you, I wouldn’t have known how to deal with it back then.
I needed you to need me. It was addicting, and I don’t think I would’ve been able to find any sort of balance when we were younger.
” I kiss her forehead. “I overheard my parents talking one night, not long after they sat us down and told us we needed time apart. My mom said something about our relationship being toxic. She was worried about what it would look like when we were teenagers. I didn’t get it then, but when I saw you again at that holiday party, it finally made sense. ”
Her palm rests on my chest, and I pick it up as I fall back in time, searching for the words to explain.
“All the space, all the separation, all the time meant nothing. All it did was make the longing worse. And then there you were, looking so beautiful and resilient and whole. That’s when I knew why they’d done what they did, because even then, I wanted you in a way that wasn’t reasonable, and I knew if I acted on that, I’d only do more damage to us.
There was too much distance. I could see the way things would fall apart. The way I would’ve shredded us.”
“And now?”
“Now you’re strong enough to hold yourself together, and I’ve realized that’s even better. I’m strong enough not to tear you apart by loving you.”