The Fears That Bind Us
Lavender
Present day
THE FALL SEMESTER ends—I pass economics with Kodiak’s help, barely—and the winter semester rolls in, bringing colder temperatures, more snow, and the desire to hibernate.
Hockey and studying takes up more and more of Kodiak’s time.
He has frequent conversations with his parents about making sure he’s finding balance between sports, schoolwork, and friends—something he’s never been particularly good at, and still isn’t.
I know when he’s been talking to his dad, because those are the nights he’s extra needy in bed.
River manages to patch things up with Josiah, and he even starts inviting him over, but he has yet to say anything to our parents. He wants to, but he says he’s trying to figure out how to do it. As confident as I am that they’ll support him, I know he needs to do it in his own time.
The parties from the beginning of the year dwindle to almost nothing. Everyone’s focus is shifting to studies, especially after Maverick barely managed to eke out a passing grade in two of the classes he typically excels at.
This also prompts a visit from my parents, during which my mom takes me and River out for lunch while my dad lectures Maverick on being responsible and not putting his dick before his studies.
Actually it’s my mom who makes the “study before sex” comment prior to ushering us out the door.
She’s never been one to sugarcoat things, except when she’s dealing with me.
I try to persuade River that now would be a good time to say something about Josiah, but he says he doesn’t want to invite a different kind of safe sex and responsibility talk.
The timing seems pretty opportune to me, but I don’t push, so Mom sticks with her general “work first, party later” conversation during lunch.
I will say that’s one thing Kodiak takes very seriously.
Sex is always a reward for hours put into homework and studying.
A very frequent reward. Despite his genius status, Kodiak spends an inordinate amount of time reviewing notes, always aiming for perfection.
I don’t envy him in that regard. It would be difficult to constantly strive for the impossible.
A few weeks into the winter term, my costume design professor asks if I’d like to help out with the winter production. Despite how busy my schedule is, there’s no way I’m going to pass up the opportunity.
I also take on a very part-time job at the library.
It’s not that I need the extra cash. If I ask my parents, they will most definitely put money into my account, but I like the independence and the peacefulness that comes from being surrounded by books.
I like that here, in college, I can shed the shy, tongue-tied girl of my youth, escape the past that defined me, and be a more confident, competent, less anxious version of myself.
It’s not easy, but it’s empowering, and I feel like I’m finally coming into my own.
The job basically fell in my lap. I’d gone to the library to study between classes and noticed someone had left a stack of books on a table.
Half an hour later, they were still there, so I took it upon myself to shelve them.
Another student mistook me for someone who worked there and asked where she could find a book on biochemical engineering, so I showed her.
It just so happened that the woman in charge of hiring watched it all happen and asked if I’d like a job. I said yes.
It’s a Friday evening, and Kodiak has an away game.
This means he won’t be home until late tonight, which is good because I need time to work on one of the costume pieces for the upcoming production.
The girl who’s playing the lead has been stress eating, and last night she had a huge meltdown because her costume is too tight.
I took the blame and told her I must have miscalculated the seam allowance—I didn’t—and could most certainly fix the problem. So that’s what I’m doing.
It’s closing in on ten when Professor Martin pokes her head in.
I pop out my earbuds. “I’m nearly done with the alterations.”
She checks over her shoulder before she says, “You are a godsend for doing this.”
I wave the comment away. “Can’t have the star of the show feeling uncomfortable or it’ll affect the entire performance.” Besides, I like her. She has great respect for those of us who like to stay behind the scenes, and she’s always been nice to me.
She nods her agreement. “I have some news for you.”
I can’t read her expression. “Oh?”
“It’s about the internship we discussed.”
“The long shot for the off Broadway company? I never expected to get it since I’m a sophomore, but I love that you asked me to apply.”
I mean that. Professor Martin has never coddled me. She’s unaware that I’ve spent the majority of my life overprotected and sometimes over-loved by my family. It’s nice to have someone assume I’m capable and competent. And now I truly feel that way.
She smiles slightly. “What if I told you they want you for the internship?”
It takes me several long moments to digest that news. “Seriously?”
Her grin widens. “Most seriously, Lavender.”
“Oh, wow.” I sink back into my chair and exhale a long, slow breath.
Within seconds, my mind becomes cluttered with too many thoughts.
What if I’m not good enough? Where will I live?
How am I going to manage the city on my own?
Will I have to take the subway? What will my parents say?
What about Kodiak? “This is kind of a big deal, isn’t it? ”
Professor Martin sits on the edge of the desk. “You would be the youngest intern they’ve ever had, but if you don’t think you’re ready, we can try again next year.”
“But there’s no guarantee I’ll get it next year.”
“I’d like to say invariably you would, but I can’t know that. Every year is different, and it’s highly competitive. You have incredible talent, Lavender. There will most definitely be other opportunities for you, but this one is special.”
“Wow, okay. I figured the chances I’d get it were slim to none.”
My dad is going to shit a brick. I love him to pieces, but good Lord, he could barely handle me being an hour away while living with my brothers.
And the whole freaking Kodiak thing has been another source of freak-out for him.
Mom had to intervene and tell him that threatening one of his best friend’s sons with castration was not a good way to manage us dating.
I want to be ready for something like this, but there are so many unknowns.
“Why don’t I email you all the information, and you can discuss it with everyone you need to? I don’t want you to feel pressured, but they’ll need to know either way by the end of next week.”
I nod. “I’ll have an answer by then.”
The house is empty. River is out with friends, and Maverick is at the game with Kodiak. Despite the fact that it’s closing in on eleven, I call my mom.
She answers on the second ring. “How is my favorite daughter? And why in the world are you calling me on a Friday night? Shouldn’t you be out breaking rules and doing things I don’t want to think about?”
I laugh. “I took a break from the rule-breaking this weekend. Are you busy?”
“If you call listening to your dad sawing logs while I watch bad reality TV busy, then yes. What’s up? Things still okay with you and Kody?”
“Things are great with Kodiak.” And they really are. Loving him is so much easier than trying to hate him.
“I’m glad to hear that. And you’re being safe and all that jazz, right?”
“Yes, Mom. We’re being safe.”
“I can literally hear you rolling your eyes at me. You know it’s my motherly duty to ask. Anyway, I’m guessing you didn’t call so I could ask awkward questions.”
“You would be correct.” I fill her in on getting the internship and remind her that it’s in New York and I’d be there for two months. I finish up with, “It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”
“It sounds like it. It also sounds a lot like you’re unsure whether you should take it, despite it being so awesome. So why don’t you tell me what your reservations are?”
I love how easy my mom makes it to talk things through. “Dad is gonna freak if I take it.”
“Honey, I will deal with your dad. And I don’t buy for a second that he’s the real reason you’re on the fence. Are you worried about being on your own?”
I sigh. “Maybe a little, and New York is huge.”
“It’s a bigger, grumpier, exciting version of Chicago, and nothing you can’t handle. You’ve proven that this year.”
“They have housing options where I’d be with other interns, so that would make it less scary,” I tell her.
“For all of us, including your dad.” Her voice softens. “If this is about Kody, just say so, and we’ll figure it out.”
“I don’t want to leave him.”
“Of course you don’t. You’ve been absent from each other for a lot of years, and you’re relearning how to be together.
Not wanting to leave him makes perfect sense.
But ask yourself this: What would be harder in the long run—two months of long distance where you get to live your dream and do something you’re incredibly passionate about, or walking away from the opportunity and always wondering if it was a mistake you can’t unmake? ”
“They’re both hard, for different reasons.”
“You’re absolutely right. And not to add another level of stress to this, but Kody is graduating this year, and they’re ravenous to get him on a team. Would you want him to say no to his dream when the opportunity presents itself?”
“Of course not. When he’s offered a contract, he has to take it.”
“Don’t you think he would want the same for you?”
She affirms what I already know but am having a hard time facing. If the shoe were on the other foot, I’d push Kodiak to take the opportunity. “I have to take the internship, don’t I?” My stomach churns with excitement and anxiety.
“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, other than make sure you’re having safe sex.
But in this case, I believe you want this very much, and I want it for you.
I would say you’re young, and that boyfriends come and go, but I don’t know that’s true for you and Kody.
You two have survived a lot, and you can survive this too.
Love is an amazing gift, but sometimes it hurts, and unfortunately, the two of you know that all too well. ”