Chapter 19 Toby can’t raise an eyebrow without major tears
Toby can’t raise an eyebrow without major tears
‘...And last but very much not least, a huge thank you to the events and PR team that held an exceptional event that went smoothly, without a single nook or cranny,’ says Adzo and encourages a round of applause.
The AD stands tall in front of the working desks, smiling bright as she delivers the monthly update.
Her yellow patterned dress seems too cheerful for how glum I feel.
I do not know whether without a nook or cranny is a phrase that works in this context, nor do I care.
Toby and I sit at the opposite ends of the room, neither of us in our usual space.
He doesn’t know that I throw glances at him.
I don’t even realise I’m doing it, not until Seana goes, ‘It was quite uneventful this time around. There is usually some sort of row, but it was so peaceful. I haven’t had so much fun in months. ’
She is very sweet when she says that, so I just nod. Fawzia waves me and Toby down. ‘I need to speak to both of you.’
Her middle finger is tense and points down when she whispers, as if trying to drill her words into us with her nail, ‘I haven’t said anything to HR yet.
But I will have to. An intern and a supervisor is haram and potentially workplace harassment.
The company needs to take it seriously.’ She is definitely angrier with Toby than me. Perhaps I should intervene.
‘It wasn’t Toby’s fault.’
‘Not that it matters anyway,’ he mumbles, unknowingly stinging me.
‘That’s not for me to decide. HR will deal with it... after the interviews.’
The interviews to replace the runaway reiki master are today. Fawzia clearly didn’t want to do the interviews alone, so kept our secret to herself. I was given some brief recruitment training but not a big role. My job is to take notes and write down the scores.
Or so I thought.
If I thought Toby was bad at my interview, this is actual hell. Like Freddy Krueger reincarnated.
‘You haven’t described a single difficult situation you have been in.’
‘That isn’t a crisis, you have described a risk, which should have been logged into a risk register.’
‘So, are you implying that no one took the precautions to comply with guidelines?’
He is a peacock, flaunting his superiority over these poor candidates whose only wish is to quit this horrible limbo that is job searching.
Fawzia, who specifically chose to sit between us, keeps throwing subtle shocked expressions in my direction every time Toby comes in with a question.
Yes, he is right, our notes match up, but I swear, Maahni—the strongest candidate we had the whole day—left the interview covering her face to hide her tears.
When Fawzia walks out behind to check up on her, Toby leaves the room for a half an hour break. He bursts through the landing doors, ignoring that I’m following him as he enters the secret room with the massage chair.
He sits hunched over his legs, his face in his hands.
I don’t know what possessed me to walk in behind him, but it’s probably that men making women cry is something I take extremely seriously. ‘Are you out of your mind?’
‘I don’t know what’s come over me. This is so embarrassing.’ His voice simmers in shame. He looks remorseful, mulling over the last three hours.
I don’t know what else to say. If he is aware of his mistake, it’s not up to me to hammer it in. I am definitely not the one to comment after the recent events. The papers I took from the interview room are in my hands like a shield.
How did we get here?
He turns the chair on. A gentle hum fills the room for exactly ten seconds before he switches it off.
‘Actually,’ he says, ‘I do know what’s come over me, which makes it even more embarrassing.’ He runs his fingers through his hair and smiles at me solemnly.
Why do my knees feel heavy when he looks at me like this? All the books talk about chest and heart and breath. How messed up am I that I am feeling emotions in my joints? I can’t move.
‘Have you heard from Alexandra?’ he asks, turning away, releasing me from my spell.
‘No, I have texted an apology every day, but she is ignoring me.’
Silence. He nods in understanding. There is emptiness in the way his body is positioned. I owe him an apology too. I sit on the armrest.
‘I am sorry.’
‘For the kiss?’
I fill my lungs with air, forcing the truth out. ‘For saying that you don’t matter. I just wanted to say something to Sashka, Sasha, that would make her not hate me. It was hurtful, and that wasn’t cool. And also, it just wasn’t true. I wanted to kiss you. That’s why I did it.’
His lips part to say something, eyes intense and stuck to my face. I feel myself being pulled towards him. Leather squeaks from my gentle lean.
We could do something right now. No one knows about the closet. The next interview isn’t for another twenty minutes.
It takes everything in me to stop myself. ‘But it can’t happen again. I need this job. I love my friends. We need to keep it cool.’
‘Is that what you want?’ His face is an inch away from mine.
He smells so good. This is fucked up.
‘It doesn’t matter what I want.’
‘What if that’s the only thing that matters to me?’
Fuck. What the fuck is happening?
If anyone were to walk through the door right now, would it look from that angle as if Toby’s lips are on mine? Would it look as if I am a willing participant in his hand being on my knee?
‘Toby I can’t. I am boring and sensible.’ I pull away. ‘I like this job, and I want to make things right with my friends. I can’t do it if this is how you and I are.’
Now he pulls away, hurt visible in the drop of his shoulders and dullness of his eyes. But he nods. ‘I don’t want to be the reason.’
He doesn’t explain it, but I understand.
He doesn’t want to be the reason my life becomes a mess.
Or the reason I blame myself for losing control.
Or the reason I will regret my choices. He doesn’t finish his sentence because then it would mean that he is the one shutting this door, when it is clearly me who holds the key to this decision.
This is for the best. This is for the best. This is for the best.