Chapter 40 Great Spike!
Great Spike!
I refuse to talk to anyone for the rest of the day.
I put my phone on silent and just sit on the bench by the river in my local park.
It would have been perfect. The film Malik and I so lovingly shot was a love story about people almost meeting.
The costumes were selected by Sashka and Maahni.
The actors auditioned at Sophie’s community centre.
The art in the background was selected by Leon and his artsy friends.
One of the characters was fearful of hell, so a celestial creature takes him back to every spot where he could have almost met the other character.
Confused, the character asks the being what is so bad about that.
The creature responds that it must be difficult to see how much time they have wasted not being together—that is hell.
The camera pans to the other character, soft lighting around her.
‘If hell is that beautiful, we should all be sinners.’ The character laughs.
Its narrative is a bit abstract, but some of the shots are stunning. And it would have been easily understood by Toby.
I shouldn’t beat myself up over something that was completely out of my hands.
But I can’t help it. If only I were a little luckier.
I’m consumed by what I could have done. I could have sent an e-mail to get my film into the first half.
I could have named it something that would’ve caught Toby’s attention.
I could have run after him and made him sit with me.
Why didn’t I? Why didn’t I shout and beg him to sit back down?
Because I didn’t think that would work. I told him I loved him, and he didn’t respond to my message. Toby needs to believe that fate is telling him to stay, not some girl he walked in on five months ago.
I blow air through my cheeks and imagine it rustling the crowns of the yellowing trees. They rustle—I can’t decipher whether it’s a mocking giggle or a sad whimper.
‘Is this seat taken?’ a voice, so painfully unexpected, asks above me.
It takes every ounce of my willpower to not jump into Toby’s arms. I blink and feel a weird tingling down my spine, warning me that I am seconds from crumbling.
‘Toby,’ I say his name, realising how long it’s been since I have said it to him.
I have thought about him every day. Every moment has been filled with either my thoughts of him or a fight to suppress those thoughts.
I remember the way he looked when I actually said his name in the lift; it’s the same way I’m looking at him now.
His eyes are soft, smile lines folded around them. A victorious smirk plays on his face from a successful startle.
‘Can I?’ He looks at the space beside me.
‘Of course.’
He sits, studying the river, ignoring my gaping mouth. ‘I had the weirdest day today.’
A comically loud gulp rolls out of me. ‘Yeah?’
‘Yeah. First Rufus said something about my running that I thought, Huh, odd. Then there was an art display in the park that weirdly reminded me of someone else I know. But then the weirdest thing happened.’
My phone’s screen lights up in my hands. I try to ignore it, but it’s twenty missed calls from Sashka and Leon, forty-two messages and three e-mails. Our film won the festival.
‘Did you see it?’ I ask wishfully.
‘See what?’
‘The film. The one I made for the festival?’
‘You made a film for a festival?’ He gawks at me with awe.
‘Yeah, the one that won?’ I point to my phone with a proud smile that I can no longer control.
‘That’s amazing, Fuko! I knew you had it in you,’ he cheers with genuine surprise.
‘You didn’t see it?’
‘No, but now I have to.’
‘Then,’ I say, ‘why are you here?’
‘I had a chat with a woman today. She had a baby with the most unbelievable name.’
Huh? Fawzia’s friend? We didn’t give her any lines. We just told her to take her time to stall him.
‘And that baby’s name was?’
‘She called him Spike.’ Toby bites down on his lower lip to stop himself from laughing.
‘No!’ I shout in disbelief.
‘Yes!’ He laughs back.
‘That’s not a name, that’s a move in volleyball. And we know what he is going to be like when he is older.’
‘Marry a director and then make a movie about their divorce.’
‘Or get turned into a vampire and bleach his hair.’
‘Poor Spike, his life is written for him.’
We sit in each other’s warmth in complete silence for a minute. Not a single muscle on my body moves, in fear of scaring him away. One wrong gesture and he will slap his thighs to announce his departure.
‘I need to tell you something, Fuko.’ He looks down at his feet.
‘I’m listening.’
‘I have been hiding something from you, which is also why I was such a dick.’
‘A huge one.’
‘A massive dick. I hope we both can agree—bigger than your ex’s.’
I roll my eyes at him in disbelief. My stomach churns at what he’s about to tell me, but I play along. ‘Disgusting. Continue.’
‘Yes, sorry. Back at yours I just looked at your family, and how together you all were... and I got so worried.’
‘About what? My Dad?’ Was Hannah actually right?
‘No, about not being... This is so silly... Uh, how do I put it... light enough.’
‘I don’t discriminate against sizes.’ Shut up, Fuko. Not the time. He’s opening up to me.
‘That’s not what I mean. I feel like a burden most of the time.
And sometimes I wonder... if that thought won, how would it end for me?
And it felt unfair to you, that I might never be better but still desperate for you to be around me.
I genuinely felt that the unbelievable ache of being without you is what I truly deserve. ’
He says all of this without dropping his smile for a second. As if he has to hide some of his emotions so that I don’t get scared by his real ones.
‘You know’—I compile my thoughts—‘that’s how I feel a lot of the time: burden, trouble, misfortune.
Why would anyone want to get to know me if I’m not 100 percent funny or perfect?
But you were the one who taught me to just go for it, to be me and then see what happens. I want to be that person for you.’
His hand slides behind my neck, into my hair, and pulls me in for a kiss that brings all of my senses alive yet dulls them completely. I do not remember that we are in the park, what day it is, or that I just won in a local film festival. None of those things matter as much as his lips on mine.
‘I love you too.’ He pulls away. ‘Came here to say that, actually.’
‘Can’t believe you didn’t respond to my text.’
‘Ah, you see. I’m going to tell you something else right now. Please do not panic.’
‘What did you do?’
‘Ha, well. Uh, you see. I have a very small, itsy-bitsy, stage-one Hodgkin’s lymphoma.
Aha, I see your concern. Let me finish. So, when you texted that you loved me, I booked chemo that I had been avoiding for just a little bit.
Doesn’t matter how long I’d been avoiding it for.
Will start next month, doctors confirmed a good prognosis.
And as you said—I am quite lucky, so I’m sure there is nothing to worry about.
You don’t look surprised. Who blabbed? Chloe or Fawzia? ’
‘Both.’
‘Both? The hell, man. Can a man not have secrets anymore?’
‘Are you looking for a bottom smacking right now? Because you can get it.’
‘Deserved. Not the best situation to ask that question, but how about this one instead?’ He kneels on one knee and laughs when I pick him back up. ‘Fuko Brewer, would you do me the honour of being my date to the chemo sessions as my exclusive and supportive girlfriend?’
My cheeks try hard not to squeeze out a big smile. ‘Oh, um, I think you really misread this situation. Girlfriend? That’s a tad... out of nowhere, no?’ He made me wait for weeks, it’s only fair I make him sweat a little.
‘I see how it is. Please also forgive me for not telling you about my lymphoma sooner, breaking up with you for no reason, and making bad jokes about your ex’s penis? Wow, now that I’ve said it out loud, that’s pretty bad.’ He moves a little closer.
‘Uh-huh.’
‘I would struggle to forgive me.’ His head tilts as his hands find mine.
‘You’re telling me.’
‘But please say yes.’ His breath caresses my ear. ‘I’m really sorry about what I put you through. But I don’t think I can do it without you next to me. Please.’
This looks like a beautiful shot. A young couple by the river, families walking through the parks with their dogs, and the wind gently rustling the changing leaves.
My fingers touch his burning cheeks, and my heart skips a beat. Toby’s really here. He will stay.
With a handsome face like this, how can I refuse?
‘Yes, I will go to chemo with you as your girlfriend. We are booking you, and maybe me, some therapy sessions. The rest I’ll have to think about.’
‘I can work with that. We will have so much time to think about the rest.’ He swoops me up for a kiss.
The softness of his lips sends shivers down my spine. My grip is tight, as I refuse to let go.
And for a second, I’m the luckiest girl in the world.