20. Don’t Push People’s Buttons for Fun
“What do you know about Daddies?”
Oh thank God.
After leaving Moonlight, I’d wanted to talk. No, I’d wanted Ash to talk. But like it was a normal day and nothing had changed, he’d only asked about what I wanted for dinner.
As if I could eat at a time like that.
And though my stomach had been in knots, that’s exactly what he’d made me do. Eat while we watched TV and pretended everything was normal.
That I wasn’t hyperaware of how good he looked sitting at the other end of the couch, still wearing his slacks and button-down, but with the sleeves rolled to show more of his muscular, tattooed forearms.
That my mind wasn’t replaying the memory of his mouth on me in a constant loop.
That I wasn’t obsessing about our impending conversation.
A conversation it was finally time for.
“I looked some stuff up,” I shared, “but there was a lot. And most of it was contradictory. So, uh, not much.”
Ash’s expression was soft when I met his hazel eyes. “That’s a good thing. It means there’s less bullshit for me to undo while I show you what a good relationship is.” I watched as a blazing fire replaced the warmth in his gaze. “While I show you a fuckuva lot more than that.”
Even without knowing the specifics, his words had me fighting the need to squeeze my thighs to relieve the building ache.
My voice came out airy. “Like what?”
“What I like. What you like. How good it can be.” Ash’s deep voice was gravel and fire. “I’ll give you anything. Everything. But I’ll demand everything from you in return.”
“You’re in the market for a shitty apartment? Or some packages of almost expired instant rice?” I rolled my eyes and gave a self-deprecating laugh. “Otherwise, I’ve got nothing.”
He didn’t share my amusement. At all. Like a flip was switched, the desire was gone in a flash and somberness took over. It was impossible—and not just because he was already massive—but he seemed to get bigger. More menacing. Daunting.
Hotter.
“Live and fucking die to give you every-damn-thing, and it still won’t come close to what you can give if you choose to, Camila.”
“How can that be true? I have literally nothing.” I flung a hand out toward the grandeur of his home. “What could I give you that you don’t already have?”
“Your honesty. Your laughter and sweet smiles. Your stubborn as shit attitude. Your time. Your desire. Your body. Your trust. Your submission.”
I might not have seen the value in any of that, but they were at least easy to offer him.
Right up until the last two.
In a short time, I already trusted him more than I’d ever trusted anyone, but that wasn’t saying much. And with the other thing…
“I don’t think I can give you my submission,” I admitted, hoping that didn’t automatically spell the end before anything really began. “I can’t give it to anyone because I don’t think I have it. Like you said, I’m stubborn.”
“Which is what will make it that much sweeter every time you submit or listen or follow a rule. Because I know it’s not easy. That you’re doing it for me. Because you trust me.”
“There are rules?”
I’d barely had any actual rules when I was a kid, outside of shut up, stay out of the way, and don’t talk to cops, teachers, or bill collectors. And never, ever call her Mom in front of a man.
Any chores I had were by choice because I hadn’t wanted to live in Veronica’s filth.
I worked to suppress a tremble of apprehension as my imagination ran wild with the possibilities.
And none of them were good since my points of reference were male-centric porn and online horror stories of abuse passed off as BDSM.
“Yeah, sunshine, there will be rules.” He leaned back and stretched his arm across the back of the couch, like we were talking about the weather or a movie. “Let’s start with the one that’ll be hardest for you.”
“Okay,” I drawled.
“If something bothers you, tell me immediately. No lies. No downplaying. And sure as hell no letting shit fester until you run from me. If you would’ve asked me why I wanted you with me at Sunrise, it would’ve saved you pain.” He dropped his eyes to my ass before raising a brow. “A lot of it.”
“You’re right, that will be hard,” I admitted. “I’m not good with stuff like that.”
“That’s okay, I’m patient.” I already didn’t like his smirk even before he added, “I’ll happily punish you however many times it takes.”
That should’ve been a terrifying threat. But down to my soul, I knew it came from a place of caring.
Not that I was anxious to sign up for another spanking—caring or not—but I couldn’t ignore the warmth that spread through me.
Ash twisted a finger in my hair and tugged to get my attention. “I don’t know what the fuck you’ve been through that you’ve convinced yourself you’re an imposition. I’m not gonna make it a rule you have to tell me—yet—but I hope you will when you’re ready. In the meantime, I’m gonna work to undo those knots.” His lip quirked. “Or replace them with my own. And that requires you to be honest when something is wrong.”
“So you can tell me to get over it or deal with it?” I shot back.
“Yeah, sometimes,” he said, completely unrepentant. “I’m used to giving orders and having them followed.” My insecurities didn’t even have the chance to flare up before he clarified. “At work. It doesn’t occur to me to stop and explain myself. I’ll try to be mindful of that while you’re still getting used to me. Not saying I’ll bend to what you want. Actually, I pretty much guarantee I won’t. But I can share my reasoning, even if it’s as simple as I want to buy you shit.”
“But I don’t need anything.”
I prepared for another get used to it that never came.
“You agree to this”—he gestured back and forth between us—“there’re gonna be a lot of changes in your life. One is that it’s no longer about the bare minimum. You won’t have to settle for only what you need.”
That was such a bizarre concept. I couldn’t even picture what that would be like beyond what he’d already shown me.
And he wasn’t done.
“I want to do it. It makes me hard to see you wear the clothes I bought or eat the food I made. It makes me happy to take care of you. Fuck knows you need it.”
The way he said it didn’t sound like an insult, but that was exactly how my pride took it. As if I was incapable of caring for myself.
“I don’t need to be treated like some helpless kid. I’ve lived alone since I was sixteen, but I’ve been on my own a lot longer than that. I might not have a closet full of suits in my big house or boring-ass penthouses, but that doesn’t matter.” Aware that it made me look like the child I’d just insisted I wasn’t—and a petulant one at that—I crossed my arms. “I’ve been doing just fine.”
Ash’s jaw clenched, but his voice was gentle when he pushed. “And how tired are you from everything falling on your shoulders? How burned out does it make you feel?” He reached over and cupped my jaw, forcing me to look at him. “How lonely?”
With each rapid-fire question, the mental exhaustion I barely held at bay pushed in. It pulsed around the edges, threatening to take over. To drag me down once and for all.
Surprise tears burned in my eyes, and I took a shuddering breath as I fought to keep them back.
Ash knew he had me there and went for the kill. “Wouldn’t it be nice to hand all that weight over and let someone else carry it for once?”
It should’ve been irresistible. A literal dream offer from a literal dream man.
I was just the wrong… everything.
“I would never date someone because of what they could do for me,” I insisted, nauseous at the concept. “I’m not a user. Or some gold digger. I’m not…”
Veronica.
“Christ, I know that,” Ash bit out. “That’s not what this is.”
“Are you sure? Because it sounds pretty accurate.” I grabbed the fabric I wore and shook it. “In exchange for pretty dresses, I do fucked-up shit like crawl on the floor to you, let you spank my ass, and call you Daddy sometimes?—”
“All the time.”
His interruption made my brain stutter for a moment. “What?”
“You call me Daddy all the time. I don’t care where we are or who’s around.” He tilted his head and rubbed his beard. “If you really feel uncomfortable, I’ll occasionally settle for Behemoth.”
“I thought this was a, uh, bedroom thing for most people.”
The heat in his eyes flared like a warning that I was on thin ice. I wasn’t sure if he wanted to kiss me or spank me again.
I wasn’t sure which I would prefer.
“I’m not most people,” he rumbled. “And about the crawling, that isn’t something I like, but if that’s what you’re into, I can accommodate.”
“No, that’s not… I’m just saying…” I bit back a growl of frustration, though I wasn’t sure which of us it was aimed at.
His hand returned to my jaw, and his thumb covered my lips. “And none of this is fucked up. The insinuation that you’re a whore is what’s fucked. The insinuation that you’re a whore, and I’m the kind of asshole who has to pay for pussy is why you’re lucky you’re not back over my knee. This isn’t a transactional arrangement, and it isn’t only sex.”
My question came out muffled. “It’s not?”
“Fuck no.” His hand dropped to slowly push under my skirt. Up my thigh. Higher. Achingly slow, he teased me over my panties. “Don’t get me wrong, it’ll be that, too. Christ, I don’t think my hand or dick have gotten a break since I saw you, so when I finally…” He took a sharp breath. “But it’s not only sex. I want you. All of you. If you give me you, that’s it, Camila. There’s no half-assing this. No running every time you tangle yourself up in your head. You let me handle that. Let me handle everything. In exchange, I’ll be greedy with your time. I’ll expect you to listen to me, and I’ll reward or punish you accordingly. Most importantly”—his strong finger zeroed in on my clit—“everything you get will be from me. Because I take care of you.”
Almost.
Almost there.
I just need to get closer to him.
It wasn’t lost on me that my thoughts mirrored the ones from when I’d been running away.
How quickly desperation changed.
My lids fluttered closed. My breath grew shallow and shaky. My pussy clenched around nothing, needy and wanting.
Just as the edge neared, and I prepared to dive over it, Ash didn’t just ease off.
He stopped.
The monster.