Chapter 20
Before Lois left, she told Arielle to take the time to roam the property and check the place out.
“The dogs will walk you around,” she told her. “They have a routine.”
And boy, did they have a routine. Each time Arielle even walked near the back door, the dogs jumped up and scratched at the door. Once the door opened, the dogs would race out the door and run straight down the trail that basically weaved in and out of the apple trees along the farm’s perimeter.
At first, waves of guilt and shame would wash over her when she thought of what everyone else was doing back home.
The silence of being by herself for the first time in her life overwhelmed her, and that first day staying at Lois’s farm, she just wandered, trying to keep her mind busy and not think about what she was missing.
That night, she almost changed her mind and picked up her phone to call Lois.
The owls hooted, the bleating of the goats jump-scared her every time, and the howls of coyotes all blended into a perfect horror film soundtrack.
She slept with both dogs, with all the doors locked, lights on, and a chair jammed under the doorknob.
When she woke with the sun, things seemed clearer, including her mind. A peace and calm had fallen over her as the fog lifted out of the valley. All the things that had created chaos in her mind seemed to have slowed down and didn’t seem so horrible.
After her walk with the dogs, Arielle sent everyone a text wishing them well and telling them how much she loved them.
When she sent her mother her text, Crissy immediately hearted it and replied.
I love you, too! Enjoy your time. This is your time to shine.
But Arielle hadn’t told her that she wasn’t going to attend Boston College in the fall. She’d wait to drop that bomb another day. Today, she’d thank her mother for everything she had done for them. After texting her mother, she sent Sophia a video of her wishing her and Patrick the best of luck.
Next came Nora. She didn’t think about what to write, just wrote everything that came from her heart.
How she loved her like a sister, and how Nora had been the best friend she could have asked for, especially at that time of her life.
How much it meant to her that Nora had stood beside her through all the dark times.
Not only had she opened her house but also her world.
Arielle told her how much she admired and respected her, and how she would never let jealousy, envy, or a boy, drive a wedge between them again.
The last person she sent a text to was Jason. She had spent hours writing it, taking her time to get the words right. Her apology had been heartfelt, thoughtful, and honest. It had been the best she could do under the circumstances.
She didn’t expect to hear from him, but when the day rolled into night, and the wedding was technically over, she put her phone away, resolute that their relationship was not only done but that their friendship had also ended.
She didn’t sleep much that night. Every time she fell asleep, Jason’s face would pop up in her dreams, each time feeling so real that one time she tried to reach out and touch him, only to wake up to an owl hooting off in the distance.
When dawn finally broke through the trees, she got the dogs up, dragging them out of bed and out the door. By the time they came back to the house, she noticed a pickup truck with a Maine license plate. When she got closer, she recognized the face behind the wheel.
Jason got out of the truck as soon as she approached. He was in the pair of pants and button-down he’d gotten for the wedding.
“Jason,” she said. She couldn’t hide her shock. “What are you doing here?”
“I miss you,” he said, rubbing his chin before speaking again. He didn’t stand still. “I know you don’t want me to be a lobsterman, so I won’t. I just want to be with you. You are the best thing in my life. The only thing that makes sense to me.”
Arielle looked at the boy who looked more like a man than he had before she’d left.
“You won’t miss me soon,” she said, and she believed it. He would be fine within a few months, would forget her in a year’s time.
“What’s your problem?” He flung his hand at her. “Why do you hate to be happy?”
“What?”
“You love to be miserable.” He stuffed his hands into his pockets and shrugged. “It’s like you need to punish yourself for what your dad did.”
“Don’t, Jason,” she warned him. She didn’t want him to bring up her father.
“I want to be with you, Arielle.” He took his hands out of his pockets and dropped them to his side. “And if it means living and picking apples in Vermont”—he opened the door to the truck and pulled out a green duffel bag—“then I guess I’m working at an apple farm.”
“What?” she asked.
“Lois said I could work the farm,” he said. “She said she hires seasonal work to pick the apples and trim the trees.”
She looked at his bag, then back to him. “What about your internship? What about being a sternman? You’ll regret not following your dreams and you’ll end up resenting me.”
“Because I gave up a season to apple pick?” Jason didn’t look so sure. “I don’t even know if I like lobster fishing. Or if that’s what I want to do for the rest of my life. I don’t even know if I want to live on the island, but I do know that I love you. Please, Arielle, tell me I can stay.”
Arielle stood there, unable to speak.
“Arielle?” he said, waiting for her to respond. “Can I stay?”
She didn’t know how to respond. So much of her wanted him to stay, but how selfish would that be to him?
“You’re right,” she said. “I am miserable and I still have a lot to work out about my dad.” She shook her head, unable to look at him.
“But I need to do this on my own. I need to figure out who I am before I can give anything to anyone else. I’m so sorry.
I really do love you, but I can’t ask you to wait around until I figure that out, because I honestly don’t know how long that will take. ”
She looked away, watching a group of crows soar in the sky, circling above the apple trees.
“Are you going to be okay here?” he asked. His voice cracking at the end of his question.
She wasn’t okay. So much wasn’t okay, but being there made her feel better than she had been in a long time. Should she be honest? Risk hurting Jason more?
“I’m okay.” She didn’t need to elaborate.
“I read the poem,” he said, pulling a folded piece of paper out of his pocket. She recognized it right away. It had been a copy she had written out to rehearse weeks ago for Sophia and Patrick’s wedding. Tiny doodles covered the page.
“Fallen Hero,” she whispered. She felt a mixture of gratitude and shame. “I’m glad you got to read it.”
“You should’ve been the one,” he said. “You mean so much to all of them.” He paused and looked at her. “To me.”
“Jason.” She shook her head. “I can’t.” She looked out at the trees. Tiny red apples dotted the green foliage. She felt like she was bleeding out as she stood there. She wanted so badly to have him grab her, hold her, but where had that gotten the women in her family?
“I don’t get a say in this?” He huffed out as tears flooded his eyes.
She shook her head. Her throat became lodged with a lump. She could barely get the words out. “I love you and I probably always will, but I have to be on my own. I have to do this for me, by myself.”
He frowned at this and he dropped his head. When he lifted it back up, he rubbed his eyes.
“I’ll wait,” he said.
She didn’t expect Jason to wait. The handsome, smart man that he was and the man he was still becoming would interest many woman.
“You deserve to be happy.”
He walked up to her, taking her hands into his. “Don’t you see? You are that. You are the only person who makes me happy. Let me take care of you. Let me work while you go to school. Please, Arielle, we can do this. Together.”
She looked down at their hands. The last thing she wanted to do in that moment was to let go.
How easy it would be to just take his offer.
To let Jason take care of her. Probably just like her father had with her mother.
And Jason would be a good husband, she was sure of it.
Not like her father. He was helpful, kind, and supportive, but that would be unfair to him, because she didn’t even know what she brought to the table other than misery.
“I just can’t be with anyone right now.” And that was the God’s honest truth. She had nothing to give, and if she couldn’t give to someone what they gave in return, wouldn’t that be selfish? Wasn’t that exactly who her father was?
“I’ll be around,” he said, shaking his head at her. His disappointment and confusion was as clear as his broken heart. “When you figure things out, let me know.”
“I have.” And then, the final nail. “It’s here. On my own.”