22. Colt
22
COLT
Here goes nothing.
After tapping on the bedroom door with my foot, I swing it open, smiling like I didn’t watch the girl I love break down sobbing last night. “Good morning.”
“What is this?” Leni sits up in bed, blinking hard and covering her mouth with one hand before she yawns. “God, what time is it?” she asks, rubbing her eyes.
“Past nine,” I tell her, setting a tray of food on her lap once she’s settled in against the pillows behind her.
“How are you feeling?” I ask carefully.
“Okay,” she answers after a moment. “I’m sorry about last night.”
“Please don’t do this, don’t blame yourself for our fuck up. We’re the assholes who went too far. You have nothing to be sorry about.”
“We took things too far. We should be more aware of what triggers you,” Nix chimes in. “We’re sorry.”
Leni nods, but doesn’t say anything else for a while. Nix and I simply stand in front of the bed, waiting for her directions.
When she finally speaks again, her voice still sounds tired. “I don’t want to talk about this right now. I want to forget it and move on.”
“Okay,” I agree with her, though I know this is not healthy. She should talk about it, if not with us, then with someone else. She needs to heal, and I need to figure out a way to help her without making it worse.
She runs her hands through her hair, then yawns again. “I shouldn’t be tired after sleeping as much as I did. I can’t believe it’s already after nine. I should be getting ready for class.” Though she looks pretty interested in the food Nix and I made for her. “This smells amazing.”
“I was thinking maybe we could skip class today.” Glancing at Nix, standing in the doorway, I take a seat on the edge of the bed. “Let’s just hang out today. What do you think? We can do whatever you want.”
“Really?” I can tell she’s interested by the way her eyes light up. “You think that’s safe? I thought we were supposed to pretend everything’s normal.”
“What’s not normal about skipping class?” Nix asks, chuckling. “I probably skipped more classes than I attended.” She smirks and shakes her head at him before picking up the utensils and cutting into the French toast.
I have my own opinions about whether it’s a good idea for her to go out and pretend to be normal today. After what happened last night, it’s probably safer to keep her here, at home. Who knows what could set her off? She’d hate it if she knew I was thinking about her like this—like she’s fragile, like she needs to be sheltered—but she’s too unstable right now, and I don’t want her breaking down again in public.
“I could use a personal day,” she decides before sinking her teeth into a thick piece of bread. Her eyes slowly close and her face goes slack. “Oh, my god,” she groans.
“I hope that’s a good sign?” I ask.
“It’s orgasmic.”
I don’t think I’ve ever heard anybody say something like that without laughing, but she means it, cutting another bite and practically jamming it into her mouth this time. Syrup drips on her chin—it’s amazing how even something as simple as that can make me hungry for something other than food. If I want to be careful with her, that means taking it easy with the physical stuff until she’s feeling better. So instead of leaning over to lick it off her skin, I hand her a napkin and point to the drip.
“So, what do you want to do on your personal day?” Nix asks.
With a shrug, she mumbles, “I don’t know. Maybe watch movies? Could we order food?”
“You’re still eating, and you want to order food?”
“You know what I’m saying,” she says, and I almost can’t believe how good it feels when she rolls her eyes. Like she’s already feeling more like herself. I spent all night on one sofa while Nix camped out on the other, staring at the ceiling and wondering what we could do to make up for what happened yesterday. It looks like this is a good start.
“Yeah, we can order food later on. Whatever you want. You don’t even have to get dressed,” I offer. “You can bring the blankets and pillows and kind of camp out on the couch all day.”
“Yeah, I would like that.”
And then she smiles, and it’s almost unfair. How am I supposed to remember to breathe when she looks happy for the first time in days? That’s all I want. How could it be that simple? All my life, I assumed what other people called love was just made-up shit for movies, to sell candy and diamond rings on Valentine’s Day. If anybody told me happiness could come from something as simple as loving somebody and seeing them smile, I would’ve laughed my ass off at them.
But here I am, almost hanging on her every word and action like my whole life depends on it. In a way, that’s how it feels. That’s who she’s turned me into. I don’t hate it, even if I don’t know what to do with the feeling.
When she’s finished eating, she looks down at herself and wrinkles her nose. “I need a shower.” Her smile slips, and pain touches the corners of her eyes. Maybe she thinks I don’t notice, but it’s too obvious—and when I shoot a quick look at Nix, it’s clear he sees it, too. She’s remembering yesterday.
“Yeah, do that,” I tell her. Am I being over the top? Trying too hard? I honestly don’t know. “Or take a bath, even. Light a candle, act like you’re at the spa. We can get the living room set up for you.”
The sight of tears in her eyes is like a kick in the chest. So much for that idea. The whole point was to keep her from crying today.
But there’s a smile, too, even if it’s shaky. “Thank you. Both of you. This is just what I needed.” She actually seems excited when she gets out of bed and heads for the bathroom.
Once the water is running, Nix leans against the wall and lets out a sigh. “That was a close one. I thought we lost her there.”
“I know. But she’s strong.” That doesn’t mean we can’t be careful with her, though, since there’s still that fragility underneath. I would kill to protect this woman. I would stop at nothing for her happiness. All I want or need is for her to believe that… and maybe forget the past, though I know that’s not easy. It might be asking for too much.
By late afternoon, the three of us are sacked out, and nobody really needs to say anything. It’s enough to be here, hanging out, pretending the rest of the world has gone away for a while. Leni watches TV with her head on my shoulder, twirling a strand of hair around her finger. How can something so simple fill me with so much relief? Knowing she feels like she can be normal around us after the way we broke her down—it’s like a gift I don’t deserve. I don’t deserve her at all.
Between episodes of the baking show she chose, I pause the TV and get up, stretching after sitting in the same spot for so long. “I think we have some popcorn. Anybody want some?”
“Oh, definitely.” She gives me a grateful smile, drawing her legs up under the blanket before pulling her phone from the pocket of her hoodie. “I should check in with Piper. She’s probably wondering where I am.”
“Try not to burn it,” Nix adds, lying on his back with his ankles crossed over the arm of the sofa. I’ve seen him like that so many times—there’s something so familiar about all of this, and it’s almost enough to make me wonder if I needed this as much as Leni did.
“Why don’t you come in here and pop it yourself if you don’t think I can handle it?” I ask him. “Maybe get off your ass and help out a little bit.”
“Boys, boys.” Leni clicks her tongue and shakes her head with a giggle. “You better be careful, or I’ll have to separate you.”
I can see us doing this for a long time. It’s a surprising thought. Planning on forever with Leni is one thing, but bringing Nix into it? When I search myself, waiting for the microwave, it feels right.
I just don’t have the first fucking clue how we would make it work. I don’t share—passing her back and forth in bed is one thing, but in real life? I don’t know how I could handle that. But I see the way he looks at her. He wants her.
Maybe as more than somebody to control and humiliate.
“Oh, my god!” I spin around in time to see Leni drop her phone and cover her face with her hands. “Why? Why are they doing this?”
Nix is next to her in a heartbeat, putting an arm around her shoulders. “What is it?” Meanwhile, I pick up her phone to look at whatever freaked her out.
You’re going to die, bitch. Count the minutes before it’s all over.
“What the fuck?” I hold it out for Nix to read and watch rage settle over his features.
“But they’re dead!” Leni sobs behind her hands, rocking back and forth. “How? How are they doing this?”
“They’re just assholes behind a keyboard,” Nix murmurs, though the look he gives me from over the top of her head isn’t nearly as comforting as he’s trying to be. “Nobody’s going to hurt you.”
“I don’t understand! What did I ever do?” When I sit on her other side, she looks at me through tear-filled eyes. Her face is flushed, her cheeks shining from what’s already flowed down them. “Why are they doing this? I thought it was Deborah. Was I wrong?”
I wish I knew. I thought this part was over, too. I thought for sure she wouldn’t have to deal with this anymore.
“Maybe they had other people helping them,” Nix suggests. “I mean, whoever they are needs to get a fucking life, but that could be it.”
“I bet he’s right.” I use my thumbs to wipe her cheeks, but fresh tears keep coming. “They’re pathetic pieces of shit with nothing better to do than hurt a good person like you.” And I would pay for the opportunity to have them in front of me here and now so they could learn what happens to people who can’t leave well enough alone. I won’t say that to her—she’s upset enough—but the desire burns inside me.
Looking at my brother, I don’t have to guess what’s going through his head. His jaw ticks, and his eyes narrow. It’s amazing there isn’t smoke coming out of his ears. “Who do I have to kill this time?”
“Don’t say that.” Her voice shakes when she turns to him, but there’s a flat firmness to it, too. “Please, don’t ever say that. I know you feel that way, but it’s too risky. I don’t want you doing it because of me.”
She doesn’t get it. I don’t expect her to. There is never going to come a time when either of us will be able to stand back and watch her hurt without doing something about it. It’s just not possible. That’s not how we’re built.
“Nix is right.” The arm I put on her trembling body doesn’t seem to help too much, but her breathing does slow down from the way it was before, when it sounded like she might hyperventilate. “They’re assholes behind a keyboard. Cowards. Block and move on. Hell, I’ll do it for you.”
She shakes her head and takes her phone before releasing a deep breath. “No. I’ll do it. You’re right—they’re nothing.” I wish I knew for sure she meant it, that she’s not saying it just to convince us she’s feeling better.
Something tells me microwave popcorn is not going to pull her out of this. There has to be something else we can do to pick up her spirits. “What else would you like to do tonight?” I ask while shooting Nix a look that’s close to panic. There has to be a way we can get her through this.
“Actually, can I ask a favor?” He looks straight at her without acknowledging me. “Would you mind if we went to see Mom? I was only there one time, and she was asleep. I’ve been wanting to ask, but I didn’t want to be needy or anything.”
Damn it, it was the perfect thing to say. Instead of focusing on herself, Leni can think about somebody else and what they need. I should’ve thought of that. I’m supposed to know her so much better than he does.
She perks right up, running a hand under her eyes and nodding. “Sure. That would be great. I guess I should put some regular clothes on,” she adds, looking down at the pajamas I encouraged her to wear.
“Go ahead—we won’t leave without you.” He even gets her to smile before she hurries off to the bedroom.
Blowing out a sigh, I murmur, “That was the right thing to say.”
“Yeah, I thought it would be. Besides, I want to see Mom,” he adds. “I’m dying to see her.”
“We should stop and get her some lilies on the way.” There’s already a plan forming in my head by the time I get up to put some shoes on. Maybe we can pick up food on the way home—hopefully, she’ll be in a better mood by then.
Who the hell is behind these messages? And Leni’s right: what did she ever do to deserve something like this? She’s innocent. She’s never hurt anybody. Maybe once it’s obvious Deborah’s not coming back from wherever she disappeared to, whoever has been getting off on helping her harass Leni will lose interest.
That’s what I need to hold onto as we leave the apartment. We have to be careful—Nix walks with his hood pulled up and his head down while I try to look casual as I scan the area to make sure nobody’s paying attention to us. Will it always be this way? Is there ever going to be a time when we can go back to living life the way we used to?
I know the answer to that question. Life is never going to be the same. All we can do now is make the best of what we have. For me, that means taking care of the girl who is so eager to put herself aside if it means making somebody else happy for a little while.
Nix sits in the back while Leni takes the passenger seat. “She’s going to be so happy to see you,” she tells Nix, and the warmth and excitement in her voice would make me cry if I had it in me. She’s so pure. How could I ever have wanted to hurt her like I did? How could I ever hate her?
“I hope it’s not too much for her,” he murmurs, still with his hood raised. “Seeing me like this. I guess I’ll have to explain it.”
“Keeping it vague will probably be better,” I decide as we leave the parking garage attached to the building. “I mean, I don’t think she could ever handle the whole truth. We can say you had an accident, but you’re okay now.”
“Sure, we’ll back you up,” Leni agrees. “It’ll be fine.”
Traffic’s not too heavy, though I wish everyone would get the hell out of my way. It’s corny, but true: I’m looking forward to watching Mom’s reaction to having us both together like this. It might shock her to see his face, but she’ll get used to it once she sees he’s the same person he always was. We’ll keep it light for her sake.
“Shit.” Thoughts of Mom dissolve into the background when I switch from the gas pedal to the brake as we come up to a yellow light… and the car barely slows down. We end up rolling through the intersection, where a truck’s horn blares as the driver slams to a stop so we don’t collide.
“What’s happening?” Leni’s panicked question rings out in my head as I push the pedal to the floor, and we only pick up speed, rolling downhill toward a small lake at the center of a large business park.
“Colt!” Nix shouts, like that’s going to help. Like I’m doing any of this on purpose.
There’s only one thing I can do. “Hold on!” I bark, steering us off the road while Leni screams beside me and crosses her arms over her face.
Before we run head-on into a tree that brings us to a sudden, shattering stop and makes my head hit the wheel.