32. Leni
“I do wish we had been able to spend more time together.” Dr. Miller looks like she actually means it, putting her notes aside with a sigh. “But it makes sense that you would want to move on and make a fresh start. Do you feel like you’re ready for that?”
Right away, I want to fire off a quick response—yes, of course I am. I’m ready to put everything behind me all at once and never look back.
And that is true. But it would be an empty answer, in a way. The kind of answer that makes people raise their eyebrows and purse their lips and keep their thoughts to themselves because they don’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you you’re delusional.
“It’s time for something new,” I reply. “I’m looking forward to living somewhere where there aren’t any ugly memories. I want to make some good memories now. And I don’t want to be the girl whose mom died in an explosion.”
“That’s only natural. You’re a young woman. You have so much ahead of you. It will be good to start again.” Then she pauses, because of course she does. It’s her job to look at both sides of the situation. “And you’re secure in this arrangement you have with these two men in your life?”
That is still an easy question to answer on the surface, but just like the first question, she’ll want to dig deeper. I might as well give her the full answer she’s looking for. “I know it’s unconventional. I know it won’t be easy all the time—it’s not easy with one of them alone, much less two of them at the same time. They’re both stubborn and super protective and competitive. But… I don’t know. Together, we make sense.”
“How so, do you think?”
“It’s tough to put into words. It’s like they balance each other out. They have this shorthand they can use. Sometimes, they don’t even need to speak out loud—they just understand each other. If one of them is acting like a jerk, the other one calls him on it. If anything, it sort of makes my life easier.”
She chuckles softly. “Twice the help around the house, too.”
“That’s true.”
Her smile fades before she asks, “What about the other things we’ve discussed? This darkness you’ve mentioned—is that something you’re sure you can handle? Because—and this is my role as your therapist to remind you—you’re leaving behind everything you’ve ever known and moving to a new state with these two. A pair of men whose darkness has frightened you in the past. Are you sure you’re secure in this?”
Part of me wishes I hadn’t been quite so honest with her, but it’s really not my problem whether or not she believes me. All I can do is tell the truth.
“Yes, definitely. It’s not going to happen overnight, but they’re both learning to control it. They were just as affected by their life in that house as I was—only they had years and years of it.”
“It could be they would both benefit from therapy. Maybe you should suggest it to them. It’ll be a lot easier than trying to do it all on their own.”
It’s not a bad idea, and if I thought they would listen, I would suggest it. Maybe I’ll ask them to do it for me, since they would never come up with the idea otherwise. It’s fine to encourage me to get help, but for them? They’ve come a long way on a lot of things, but there’s still a long way to go. “What’s most important to me, though, is that they know I love them no matter what.”
“Both of them? You can say that now?”
“Yes.” That one I don’t need to explain. I know it’s true. I just needed to give myself permission to say it. I had to remember it doesn’t matter what the world thinks. The world doesn’t come home with us. The world isn’t in our bed or our kitchen in the morning. The world doesn’t know how they make me laugh. How safe I feel when I’m with them. Safe to be me.
“I wish you the best of luck, Leni.” Before I leave the office for the last time, she places her hands on my shoulders and holds me in place in front of her. “It’s time for you to rewrite your story. You’re strong enough. You have the tools you need. Now use them.”
“I will. Thank you.”
I carry her kind words in my heart as I leave the building, stopping for a second to let the last of today’s sunlight warm my face. A deep breath of fresh air fills me with hope.
And a light tapping of a horn makes me smile. Always so impatient, both of them.
Jogging across the street, I shake my head the whole way. “What, did you think I forgot you were here?” I ask Colt, leaning over to kiss his cheek while Nix snickers from the backseat.
“I told him you were, like, having a girl moment or something.” When I stick my tongue out, he laughs. “I was waiting for you to close your eyes and spin in a circle with your arms stretched out.”
“Maybe that’s what I would have done if I wasn’t interrupted.” After nudging Colt with my elbow, I buckle in, and he pulls out onto the street. This is another area I won’t be sorry to never see again. I don’t ever want to look at the place where Dennis drugged me. That’s in the past.
Like Dr. Miller said, I’m writing a new story now—one that involves packing boxes and tape and conversations about downsizing and decluttering and how there’s no way two people should have so much stuff. Wrapping every plate and glass, asking myself if we can just leave everything in the apartment and buy new things after we move. Somehow, it all got done without more than a few arguments.
But there’s one more thing I have to do before we leave tomorrow.
My heart gets a little heavier the closer we come to the cemetery. I know Mom isn’t here—not really. Her spirit is all around me. If I want to talk to her, all I have to do is talk. It doesn’t matter where I am.
But there’s still something sad and emotional about leaving the place where she’s buried. We are the only people who will know who she was. That she was a person. That she existed, and she was real. That she had a hard life with a lot of rough breaks. That, she honestly thought, at least in the final months of her life, she had finally made it. That all of her worries were over.
She never knew, until it was too late, exactly what she had found in James. That new beginning was what led to her ending.
For years to come, people will walk past her headstone and know nothing about the woman the words etched in marble represent. I hate the thought, but I guess that’s what happens to all of us. Just another part of life.
“Go ahead,” Colt murmurs once we park in the familiar area we have visited so many times. “We can wait here so you can have some privacy.”
Taking the bouquet of roses from Nix’s hands, I set off for the grave. The last bouquet I left is long gone, a handful of weeds in its place. I get on my knees without thinking about it and pull them, knowing I’m doing it for the last time.
Who will do it when I’m gone?
“Hi, Mom,” I whisper. “I’m sorry to say goodbye like this. I know this is stupid, but I feel like I’m leaving you all alone. I have to believe you wouldn’t want me to stay here just so I can pick dandelions off your grave. You would want me to have a fresh start, right? Isn’t that what you would want for me?”
I hate how much I wish she could answer. I wish there was more than the whistling of the wind through the trees as a response.
Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, I murmur, “I know you could never have imagined things turning out this way. Me being with Colt and Nix—that’s not how it was supposed to be. But none of it has been the way it was supposed to be. And I guess if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you can’t really predict life. It’s going to do what it wants to do. All we can do is try to grow and learn and adapt. I’m trying to do that now. I want to make the best of my life. And even though James hurt me so much, he brought me his sons, and they make me happy. They really do.”
Sudden footsteps nearby make my head snap around while my heart lurches, then takes off at a sickening speed—until I see it’s only the two of them. With a hand on my chest, I whisper, “I didn’t think you were joining me.”
“There was something I thought I had to say.” Nix steps up to the foot of the grave. I watch as his eyes move, taking in the name and the dates under it. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to die that day. I wasn’t thinking. I hope wherever you are, if you can hear me, you can forgive me.”
Looking down at me, he adds, “I want you to know Leni is in good hands. I’m going to do whatever it takes for the rest of my life to watch over her for you. That’s all I can give you now, and I hope it’s enough.”
“I think it is,” I tell him, smiling as I stand, wrapping my arms around his waist and touching my head to his shoulder. He releases a shuddering breath that I think holds sadness and relief at the same time. I don’t want him to spend the rest of his life blaming himself.
“We’ll both take care of her,” Colt agrees, and I put an arm around him with the other still around Nix. I’m going to need to lean on both of them, just like they lean on me. That’s what it’s all about.
A warm breeze washes over me, and I smile, hoping this is Mom’s way of saying she understands—and that it’s time for all of us to move on together.
“It’s getting dark,” Colt murmurs, lowering his head until his lips press to my temple. “You ready?”
“Just about.”
They start back toward the car, giving me an extra moment to go to the headstone and run my hand over it one more time.
“I love you,” I whisper, closing my eyes, imagining her standing with me. “Thank you for everything you did for me. I hope you’re at peace now.”
A tear leaks out from under my lashes before my eyes open. Only one last thing to say once I back away.
“Goodbye,” I whisper.
And now it’s time to go.
Away from the past, which I leave behind me with every step I take toward the car.
Toward the men waiting for me inside.
Toward the future, which is mine to create.