Chapter 6 #2
“I’m not so sure about that, but either way, it doesn’t feel like we’re compatible in and out of the bedroom.
So, I just don’t know what to do about it.
I hate confrontation. I hate hurting people’s feelings.
And I hate that I’ll have to see him if we break up.
I won’t be able to avoid him. Since we’re both Atmospheric and Geosciences majors, I’ll see him at the weather center often. ” I clench my fists and cover my eyes.
“I can see why you would think that would be awkward, but do you think you would feel worse or better staying with him? Compromising your own happiness because you don’t want to hurt his feelings?
Respectfully, it doesn’t sound like he cares about your feelings, or if he does, he doesn’t know how to maturely express them. ”
“No, I know he probably doesn’t care about my feelings. I don’t even know how to approach this though. He’s my first boyfriend. I almost wish he would just break up with me so I didn’t have to do it.” I laugh humorlessly.
“Do you love him or even like him? You’re talking about him and what he might think or feel, but what about you?”
I shake my head. “No, I don’t love him. I thought maybe I might, and that’s why I had sex with him.
But I know I don’t. And it’s getting to the point where I have to force myself to be excited to see him because I’m on guard about what he might say to hurt my feelings or how he might just be a jerk in general. ”
“Well then, Brooke, I think you have your answer, don’t you?” She closes her pad and sets it on the table.
I shrug, then nod.
“Whatever decision you make regarding Eli, you have to do what makes you happy. But also make sure you’re prepared for a potential panic attack after or even before. Use your steps. Try to stay grounded and clear. You’re still taking Zoloft, right?”
“Yes, I am.”
“And you feel like that’s still helping with your anxiety?”
“I do. I mean, it’s there, but not as severe.” I shake my head. “I’d like to try to stay on the low dose if possible.”
“I’m okay with that as long as you’re doing well on it.
But, Brooke, even if you did have to move to a different dosage, there’s nothing wrong with that.
You have a genetic predisposition, and there isn’t anything you can do to change that.
But you can manage it, and you are.” She stands.
“Our time went fast today. Do you want to schedule an appointment for when you come back after break?”
“Yes, please.” I take my phone out of my crossbody, and we schedule our next appointment.
“Brooke, whatever you decide with Eli, it will be okay. He will be okay, and more importantly, you will be too.” She smiles gently.
“Thanks, Kaitlin. I know all of this logically. It’s the emotional pieces that I struggle with, but you already know that!” I laugh.
“Have a good break. Enjoy your time with your dad and brother. And hey, maybe do something spontaneous, again. Might be good for you.” She walks to the door and holds it open for me to leave.
“Not sure about that, but thank you. Same to you.” I laugh and walk down the stairs and outside the building.
My phone is still in my hand, and I look down at it and just stare. Like it’s going to give me some kind of answer or something. Then it buzzes with a text from Eli.
Eli: You haven’t texted me all week. Are you going to keep ignoring me? All break? Don’t be childish, Brooke.
And there’s my answer. If he was really concerned about our relationship or just wanted to let me know he was thinking about me, he could have reached out sooner too.
Brooke: I’ll be leaving around lunchtime. Do you have time to come over?
I know he does because he’s done with exams and he isn’t leaving to go home right away.
Eli: I have about thirty minutes. I’m meeting a few people for lunch.
Brooke: That’s fine. I’m walking to my dorm now. See you soon.
Deep inhale in, exhale out.
I can do this.
I’m just finishing packing my last bag when there’s a sharp knock on the apartment door. Thankfully, my roommates have already left, so I won’t have an audience for this.
Before I pull the heavy door open, I take a deep breath. When he knocks again, I open it to see Eli standing there, looking somewhat irritated, but also like he’s trying to be happy to see me. Or maybe he just needs to use the bathroom. I can’t really tell, honestly.
“Hey,” I say shortly.
“Hello, Brooke. So, what have you been up to? I thought I would hear from you at least once before break.” He walks in and takes a seat on the couch.
“I’ve been finishing up for the semester, as you know.
And just getting ready to go home for break.
You could have called me too. After the game, you told me to take a few days to calm down, so I guess I wasn’t sure what the timeline was on that.
” I sit down on the loveseat across from him instead of beside him.
“And have you?” He holds his hands out.
“Have I?” I prompt.
“Calmed down?”
He smiles, trying to look … I don’t know. Charming? It might have worked on me early on, but not anymore.
“I’ve been calm, Eli. You were the one who wasn’t. So, you tell me.” I sit back and fold my arms across my chest.
“That’s not cute, Brooke. You know what I mean.” He shakes his head and shifts his gaze away, like he just can’t stand to look at me.
“I’m not sure that I do know, but I also don’t really care anymore. Can I ask you something?” I lean forward and rest my elbows on my knees. “Do you even like me? Want to be with me?”
“What kind of question is that? Don’t be stupid. Of course I like you. I’m with you, aren’t I? I’m here to see you before you go.”
I huff a laugh. “Okay, so you call me stupid and, in the next sentence, tell me you like me? Maybe I am stupid because that doesn’t make sense.” I feel my skin flush from my neck to my face.
“You don’t cause drama,” he says. “You’re chill. You understand my schedule. You don’t get mad about little things … until now.”
“These aren’t little things,” I say quietly.
He waves that off. “You know what I mean. You don’t need a lot. You’re low maintenance.”
My stomach sinks.
“And you always know how to read the room,” he adds, like he’s helping his case. “You don’t embarrass me—well, except for this recent episode.”
“So, you like that I don’t take up space,” I say.
“That’s not what I said.”
“It is,” I reply. “You like that I make your life easier. That I don’t ask for much. That I smile and let things go.”
He shifts, uncomfortable now. “I like having you, Brooke. I like knowing you’re there.”
There it is.
Five … four … three … two … one.
Five things I can see. Two buttons on Eli’s shirt are unbuttoned. Two bags are sitting in the hallway. One person I see in my mind when I close my eyes and it’s not the man in front of me.
I look behind him.
Four things I can feel. The soft cotton of my leggings. The rough carpet under my feet. The coarse fabric of the couch. My skin, warm and soft.
Three things I hear. Eli calling me stupid. The whirling sound of the refrigerator. People talking in the hallway.
Two things I smell. The strong scent of Eli’s cologne. The unlit candle sitting on the coffee table.
One thing I taste. I can still taste the sweet, minty taste of Silas’s kiss. Even days later.
Breathe.
“Brooke, what is all this about? You know I don’t think you’re stupid. These questions you’re asking are stupid though. Where is this coming from?” He smacks his hands on the couch on either side of his body.
I exhale.
Then I nod slowly. “You don’t actually like me. You like having me around.”
He doesn’t answer.
And somehow, the silence says everything.
“Eli, I think you should leave. And I think you should lose my number.” I stand up.
He stands and puts his hands on his hips. “Are you serious right now? Are you breaking up with me?”
I nod and purse my lips. “Yep, I sure am.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, I know I’ve made the right decision.
“Okay, whatever. You’re not worth the headache.”
He storms to the door, yanks it open, then lets it slam behind him.
And I watch him go.
A wave of relief flows through my body, and for the first time in my life, I’ve done something completely for me, despite how someone else may feel. And I like it.