Chapter 17 #2
I hold on to him, too, as I cry, but I don’t stop talking.
It’s like he opened up the floodgates. “I think once I was old enough to understand what had happened, and probably before that, I tried to do everything right, be the perfect daughter. I didn’t want to upset my dad or my brother, so I agreed with everything they said or did.
And I really didn’t want to be a burden or worry them because if Beck hadn’t had to protect me, none of the abuse would have happened in the first place.
” I sniffle and wipe my drippy nose. “Logically, I know that’s not real, but it’s been a struggle to work through.
“And you should probably know that I have anxiety attacks from time to time when I feel overwhelmed or stressed. Anytime I feel like I’m not in control of my emotions, basically.”
I lift one shoulder in a small, helpless shrug.
He doesn’t interrupt. Doesn’t rush in with reassurance or platitudes.
Instead, he shifts just enough to hold me more securely.
“What can I do to help you when you’re struggling? Do you have any exercises that I should know so I can be there to support you?”
Who is this guy? I swear I hit the lottery with him.
“Well, I have different techniques that work—like the five, four, three, two, one method—and I also use physical grounding when it gets really bad. They’re sensory exercises that are designed to bring back my focus and help me relax. And they really do work.”
Silas sits back in his chair, but holds on to my hand. “Brooke, I need you to be honest with me.”
I nod. “Okay.”
“Has us getting married caused you to have any anxiety attacks? I don’t want to be the cause of any distress for you. It would kill me.” His eyes search mine, looking for the answer.
“I won’t lie to you.” I tip my head back.
“The morning after, when I first woke up, I was a little disoriented, but then I started doing my exercises, and it calmed me down.” I look back at him.
“But the minute you opened your eyes and looked at me, all the panic faded away. Well, almost all.” I smile.
“Enough for me to have a conversation and get out of my head anyway.”
“What about the night I kissed you at the game?”
I snicker. “Funny you mention that because my therapist and I had a conversation about that in my session before winter break.”
“And what did you say?”
“The kiss wasn’t something I had planned or had any control over. And I probably would have had an attack, but because it was you, I didn’t. She thinks the familiarity of our friendship at the time is the reason I didn’t have one.”
“Well, that makes me feel a little better. But I am sorry. If I had known, I would have controlled myself better.” He lifts my hand and kisses it.
“No, I actually think it helped prevent one. Because the attention on us in that moment was starting to overwhelm me, and the embarrassment of Eli’s actions were making it worse. So, I think you were my sensory object. You took the panic away by kissing me.” I lean forward and kiss him.
“I’m happy to do that anytime. You just say the word.” He kisses me. “Or, hell, just give me a look. Maybe we should have like a Bat-Signal or something.”
“A Bat-Signal?” I smile and shake my head.
“Or we just continue to grow our relationship, and I’ll be able to feel it before it happens.” He smiles slowly, almost shyly.
The need to be closer to him starts to burn through me. So, I get up and climb onto his lap, straddling him and wrapping my arms around his neck.
Husband.
A word that should feel strange in my mouth, but somehow doesn’t.
“I want that too. I want to know everything about you. Your secrets. Your worries. And I want to be part of your celebrations too. But the one thing I want to make sure we don’t lose is our friendship.”
“We won’t because we’ll work for it. All of it.” He keeps one hand around my waist and brings the other to my neck, thumb stroking over my pulse point. “You know what I think we need?”
I trace my finger over one of the tattoos on his neck. “What do we need?”
“We need a bath.” He nuzzles my chest.
“Is that your way of telling me I stink from today?” I huff, playfully pushing him back.
“Not at all. I love the way you smell. It’s just something we can’t do at the house, and we have this big ol’ tub here, so we should take advantage of it.” He kisses my jaw. “And I want to get my wife naked and wet.”
Heat rushes through me at his words. “Okay,” I practically pant. “Let’s take a bath.”
He stands with me in his arms and walks us over to the tub. He sets me down so he can turn on the water and push down the stopper, and then he takes one of the bottles of bubble bath and pours some into the running water.
The tub is deep and is surrounded by windows. As the water fills, steam curls up, fogging the glass.
When he turns to face me, my hands go to his chest, and I start to unbutton his shirt. He stands still, letting me undress him slowly. Once it’s done, I push it off his shoulders, and he pulls the sleeves, removing it completely.
Then he reaches for me and takes the hem of my sweater and lifts it off me, tossing it to the side, on top of his shirt. He grabs my bare waist and runs his hands up my rib cage, then to my back to unclasp my bra. I shrug my shoulders forward, letting the straps fall down my arms to the floor.
I curl my hand into the waistband of his jeans and tug him closer. I pop the button and slowly pull down the zipper. With a newfound boldness, I reach into his boxers and wrap my hand around his erection.
“Fuck, baby,” he hisses.
I stroke up and down a few times, then slip my hands under the band of his boxers to his ass and push them down with his jeans, bending to take them all the way to the floor.
When he steps out of the legs, I trail kisses up his thighs, stopping to swirl my tongue around his swollen crown.
He grabs me under my arms, pulling me up. “Not yet. I want to take my time with you tonight.” His thumbs brush the sides of my breasts as he holds me, making goose bumps appear on my skin.
I bring my hands to his chest and trace the planes of his muscles and over some of the larger tattoos. His body is a work of art, figuratively and literally. Some of the ink on his skin could be on a wall; it’s so good.
His hands move to take hold of my breasts, and he squeezes gently, pushing them together. “God, you’re perfect.” His voice is thick and deep.
I remove my hands from his chest and unbutton my pants, and his hands fall as I shove them down with my underwear.
When I straighten, Silas’s gaze makes my knees nearly buckle.
“You’re staring,” I tell him.
“I just can’t get over the fact that you’re my wife,” he says quietly.
Something warm flutters in my belly.
Then I take his hand and step into the tub first. I sink down into the water, letting the heat wrap around my body. When he steps in behind me, I scoot up a little to give him room to sit, and I watch the water rise and spill over the side as he sits behind me.
His arms wind around my waist, pressing my back to his chest, and he pulls me back with him as he rests against the tub. My head drops back to his shoulder, like it’s exactly where it’s supposed to be.
“Silas,” I practically whisper, “thank you for today.”
“You’re welcome, baby.” He kisses my cheek. “It was fun, watching you pretend like you weren’t out of breath.” His chest moves behind me, like he’s holding in a laugh.
“Well, it’s because I was. There was no pretending. I was just trying to act as nonchalant as possible next to my athletic husband.”
He tucks his face into my neck to hold in his laugh.
“It’s okay; you can laugh.” I turn my head to see his face.
He doesn’t answer, just kisses me.
His hands find my hips under the bubbles, and I place my hands on his forearms as he traces his fingers over my hip bones and across my stomach, like he’s not in a hurry. He just wants to feel me.
I can feel his erection sitting between my butt cheeks, gently sliding back and forth. I can’t deny that it’s turning me on. I mean, all of it is really.
His hands move down to my thighs, and then they dive between my legs, spreading them apart. I place one of my hands on top of his and guide it to my center. I’ve never felt this bold before, but Silas makes me feel like I can take what I need.
“You want me to play?” He presses kisses along my neck, sucking below my ear.
“Yes,” I practically moan.
His palm covers my mound, and he slides one long finger through my center, pushing it into me. He pumps in and out slowly while he presses down on my clit with his palm.
I start to circle my hips, seeking more, and he answers by pushing his finger in to the knuckle, thrusting it short and deep. I turn my head to kiss him, sucking on his tongue when he opens for me.
It’s everything, but also not enough.
I turn in his lap, my knees brushing his thighs, making the water spill. His hands grab my hips to steady me—instinctive, protective—as I settle over his cock.
My hands run up his chest, and then up around his head, holding the back of it. Like I’m afraid he’ll move away from me.
I study his face and see a beautiful man who is comfortable in his own skin. Who looks at me with reverence and curiosity.
“This feels … real,” I admit quietly.
He leans forward and kisses me. “Because it is.”
“I keep waiting for the bubble to pop,” I say. “Like I’m supposed to wake up and realize it was a dream.”
I want to live forever in this dream.
He chuckles deep. “Let me know when that happens.”
“I don’t want to wake up if it is a dream,” I whisper against his lips.
Our kiss starts slow and gentle, almost like he’s trying to reassure me. And I answer without thinking. It’s instinct. I’m supposed to move with this man. Because we fit.
He explores my body as we kiss, learning every piece of me. And he takes notice when he does something that makes me squirm in his lap.
I start to rock my hips over his erection, and the pressure inside me builds. I pull back just enough for his crown to reach my opening, and I sink down slightly to tease us both.
Silas hisses when I go in deeper, circling my hips.
Then my hands run up his chest, and I use it as leverage to lift myself up just so I can drop back down on him, taking him to the hilt.
I feel so unbelievably full, and yet I want more. But I don’t think it’s about coming anymore. I think it’s about the connection I’m feeling with him right now.
I lean in to kiss him again, and this time, he’s not patient. He holds my face as we kiss, our tongues tangling as the heat builds. Then he moves his hands to my hips without breaking the kiss and lifts me up and down his shaft.
Our bodies slide together in the water, and it’s almost sensation overload. I’m getting close to coming already, but I don’t want this to stop.
I try to slow our pace, but I can’t. We move faster, more urgently. Our kiss breaks as we pant into each other’s mouth. Licking and tasting as we move together. Water spills over the side of the tub, and I couldn’t care less. He makes me feel … free. I like this version of me that I am with him.
Silas moves one of his hands from my hip and circles my clit with his thumb. Not that I need much to set me off, but that does it. Within seconds, I come apart.
“Oh my God.” I tilt my head back as I let the wave of heat rush through me. “You feel so good. I don’t want it to stop.”
“Fuck!” he cries out. “Goddamn. Your pussy was made for me. I swear it.” He thrusts up once. Twice. And then he stills.
I rest my head on his forehead, trying to catch my breath.
“You okay, baby?” he says, stroking my back.
I nod against him, and I can feel his smile stretch across his face.
We stay still longer than necessary, softly touching and breathing each other in.
When the water starts to cool, he finally mumbles, “We should probably get out before my dick prunes.”
I laugh. “Well, we don’t want that.”
“Definitely not. I plan to use it again later.” He kisses my forehead as he lifts me off him.
He stands first, steps out of the water, and grabs a towel off the bar next to the tub. He holds his hand out to me, helping me to my feet. And I’m grateful for it because my legs feel more like jelly than they did when we got back from hiking today, and it takes me a second to balance.
I step out of the tub, and he wraps the towel around me securely, then pulls me into him and holds me tight.
My head rests on his naked chest, and I can hear the steady beat of his heart.
This closeness I’m feeling to him right now seems a lot like the beginning of something that just might last. And less like a spur-of-the-moment decision taken too far.