66. Bailey
sixty-six
Bailey
“Carrion” by Parkway Drive plays as I head toward Liam’s. It’s only been a little over a week since I saw Lolly, and I haven’t made it through a single fucking hour without thinking about it. Liam’s going to know something’s up. His spidey senses are fucking wildly accurate.
My runaway brain goes off the tracks again.
Lolly.
Peyton.
Nat.
Guilt.
Lolly.
Jesus, slow down, killer. You’re going to start glitching if you don’t just pick one and stay there for a few minutes.
I realize that it is, in fact, my brain currently addressing my brain and I can’t help but laugh.
You’ve lost it. Officially.
I pass miles of farmland, enjoying this easy stretch of the drive. Nothing but a red light and a Dollar General for miles. I wonder what Lolly would think about the area. Imagine what music he’d want to listen to if he was here with me.
I bet his musical taste is still eccentric—his playlist jumping from Hamilton to Bad Omens, then cool jazz and some underground shit I’ve never heard of.
I can’t help but smile at the thought of him. He’s so fucking magnetic. It’s more than just his outer beauty, it comes from a more important place. An unidentifiable something in him that calls to some part of me that I’ve ignored for too damn long.
He’s just so damn incapacitating. Carrying a wild paradox of light and darkness, balance and chaos. There’s humility skating across confidence, as if he’s already lived a thousand lives and has managed to find beauty in all of them.
Oh, no.
He’s already got me by the taint.
I’m fucked.
Would like to be, anyway.
The way he filled me until there was nowhere else for him to go. Made me blind with pleasure and something else I wasn’t ready to name.
Okay, Bays. Cut it out or you’ll be showing up to Liam’s with a fucking stiffy.
I adjust my dick in my jeans as I pull up to his new place. My bag is heavy as shit, no clue what I packed.
My hand is raised to knock when the door swings open. How does he always manage to pull this shit off?
Impressive, really.
“Hey, Bays.” His smile is genuine but he looks tired. The light in his eyes still aglow, but significantly more dim than it once was.
“Hey, man. Thanks for having me. It’s good to get the fuck out of the house,” I say.
Liam motions for me to follow him inside.
“Well, what do you think? I just got all the furniture set up and there’s a bed in the guest bedroom now so you won’t have to sleep on the couch again,” he says with a grin.
“You know I’ve never been bothered by a night on a couch, Liam. I’m a cheap date, remember?”
He laughs at that.
“Go throw your shit in the guestroom. Last door on your left,” he says as he motions toward a hallway.
The house is new, a neutral ivory paint coats the walls and high ceilings.
Hardwood flooring in a rich oak accentuates the light that spills through the large bay windows.
I make my way down the hall, passing what appears to be the main bedroom, and throw my bag down on top of a freshly made queen sized bed.
A navy blue tufted headboard with white bedding sits parallel to another large window.
The curtains are pulled back and the room is alight with a natural warmth and a mid-century modern bedside lamp. Nice.
I throw my phone into my pocket and head back toward the living area. “This place is nice, Liam. I really like it. Did you do all of this yourself?” I ask. “Please tell me you didn’t hire a designer,” I tease.
“Fuck off, man. Of course I did it myself.” He waves his hands about and turns for effect, “You think a designer would have built an entertainment center around a gaming console?” He says mockingly.
I can’t help but smile at that, grateful to see Liam joking around and enjoying himself again.
“Nope. I should have known. It’s really great though, honestly. I love it.” I say.
Liam smiles, “Thanks, man. I like it too. I just wish…” He stops at that, both of us knowing where he was going—what he wants to say but can’t risk it.
“Me too,” I say. “Me too. She would have given you hell about this TV, though.”
Liam laughs as he takes a seat on the leather sectional, throwing his feet up on the cushioned ottoman. “Have a seat, man. There’s drinks in the fridge if you’re thirsty. I’ve got Diet Cokes and sparkling water for you on the top shelf.”
“Thanks, man. I really appreciate it,” I say. I fucking mean it. Liam’s support of my sobriety has been amazing. He rarely drinks anymore, but he hasn’t had a drink around me since that night. I’ve told him I don’t mind, and I truly don’t, but I do appreciate the gesture.
I sink into the seat at the opposite end, kicking my feet up and forcing a deep breath.
“Have you played the new Assassin’s Creed?” Liam asks.
“Nah, man. Funny enough, I’ve been replaying some older games. I just finished Diablo and I think I’m going to bust out Bioshock next.”
He laughs and shakes his head, likely not at all surprised by my answer.
“So,” he says, eyes darting in my direction as he crosses his arms contemplatively.
Oh, hell. I don’t like his tone and I definitely do not like the look on his face. “So, what?” I say, my stomach now kissing my asshole.
This isn’t good. I imagine him saying, “I can tell you met someone and that his penis made your penis feel funny and now you can’t get your shit together,” or something to that effect.
“So,” he continues, “Tell me what’s really going on. I know something’s up. You keep doing that thing where you rub the back of your neck.”
He grabs a throw pillow and hugs it across his chest, wiggling deeper into the cushions to make it clear he’s comfortable and not at all considering letting me out of this.
Well, Liam, it’s just that there’s this man, and his dick, and nipple piercings, and fucking obliques for days. The thing is, I want to run my tongue along both sides of that V until he’s moaning like a fucking maniac. I want to do things to him I didn’t get the chance to before.
Fuck my life.
“What, um. What do you mean?” I feel my cheeks flush when he hits me with that damn look only a mom should be able to pull off.
“What I mean, is, how bad do you want me to sing? Because I’ll fucking do it.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“I so would.”
“Liam, please,” I beg.
He smiles, a crooked, wicked smile that lets me know he’s about five seconds away from the first lyrics of something terrible.
“Fine,” I groan, rubbing my hands down my face in defeat.
“Fuck.”
Liam cackles and then nestles even further into the couch like a child waiting for a bedtime story.
“I, I don’t really know where to start,” I say honestly. I really don’t. I barely even know how I feel. Let alone, what I’m feeling.
“How about at the beginning?”
Fuck, I’m really not getting out of this one am I?
I pull in a deep breath and decide to just get it all out at once. Rip the bandaid off. Lay it all on the line. I can do this.
“I saw Lolly,” I say quickly. “I mean, I saw Oliver.”
There. I said it. Now what?
Liam blinks a few times then opens his mouth to say something and then shuts it again.
Did I break him?
He looks away from me, eyes narrowed, mouth in a tight line.
What the fuck?
“Liam?” I ask, my voice unsteady.
“It’s um. I’m glad you saw him but I—” his voice cracks as his gaze meets mine again.
His face falls, a pained look settling in his blue eyes. He clears his throat, “Ah-hem. I just… There’s just something I need to tell you. I’ve been meaning to, but the time hasn’t felt right and hell, I didn’t even know if you’d ever see him again.”
“Liam, what are you talking about?”
Liam breathes in a deep breath, tears filling his eyes as they meet mine. “Bays,” he begins, “Lolly found you that night.”
The world stops spinning. The walls of the room threaten to cave in as my mind tries to comprehend what the fuck he just said.
“What?” I whisper. No, this can’t be right. Mom told me Liam called her. She told me they wouldn’t let him ride on the ambulance. Nothing is making sense.
“Lolly was the one who found you, Bays. He told me that when he saw you leave the club, stumbling and upset, he went to your apartment. When you weren’t home, he went to the cemetery.”
I try to catch my breath but can’t.
“He called me as soon as he found your apartment empty,” Liam says softly.
“He stayed on the phone with 911 until the paramedics arrived. When I got there, he was still holding you in his arms, Bailey. He didn’t leave until you did.”
My hand flies to my mouth as I gasp, a sob racking my body.
Warm arms wrap around my shoulders, holding me. I didn’t even notice Liam getting up. Didn’t hear him over my own shame.
“Fuck, Liam. I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“I know, Bays. I know you are. And I’m so proud of you. Know that I am so goddamn proud of you.”
“He found me?” I ask the question but already know the answer. I feel it in my bones. The truth of it settling in my marrow.
“Oh god, Liam.”
“He did. I don’t know how he knew where to find you. Hell, I don’t even know how he somehow knew you weren’t okay.”
“He saved my best friend’s life,” Liam whispers.
I fall apart in his arms. All the guilt and shame spilling out of me like rain on tattered cement.
Liam doesn’t say anything, just gently pushes my hair out of my eyes and rubs circles on my back while I cry.
I don’t know how much time has passed by the time the tears slow, but Liam hasn’t left my side. Hell, there’s probably snot all over him too. Gross.
“Thank you,” I say as I pull out of his arms. “Thank you for not giving up on me.”
“You’re my best friend, Bays. You’re fucking stuck with me for-e-ver.” He musses my hair as he chuckles and scoots over, putting his feet up again.
“So,” he says conspiratorially, “tell me about it. I want all the juicy details, too, Bays,” he grins.
I spend the next few minutes going over that night. Skipping over the part where I got off to thoughts of him as soon as I got home and in the shower, of course. Liam’s smile grows wider as I tell him how fucking awkward I was.
“Shut the fuck up, this is actually adorkable,” he laughs. “Bays, your prince charming just waltzed back into your life!”
I shake my head, “I know, but Liam… the way I ended things back in college and then add the finding me half-dead icing on the cake and I’d imagine it’s safe to say that ship has sailed.
” My heart sinks, feels like it’s falling all the way to my asshole.
“I can’t even blame him for keeping his distance after that.
” I swallow, my throat tight with regret.
“You don’t know that, man. You’ve changed since then. I’m sure he has too. Maybe, just this once, you should hold onto hope.”
I roll my eyes, “Hope is a fickle fucker.”
“Don’t I know it,” he replies.
We sit in silence for a beat and then he says, “Let me ask you this,” he pauses. “If you could have anything you wanted. If you could pick your happy…” He rests his chin in his hand contemplatively. “Would he be in it?”
“In a perfect world, I would be head-over-heels in love with whatever Rachel, Becca, or Susan my parents introduce me to from church,” I say.
But in this one? In this world, I’m thinking about a man with brown eyes and long lashes. Black eyeliner and mesh tops. Combat boots and angel wings.
“Well,” Liam replies, “if this were a perfect world, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.
In a perfect world, Nat would be here with us.
She and I would be picking out venues and florists because surely by now I’d have proposed and there’s no way in hell she would have said no,” he laughs.
We’re both quiet for a while, each of us visiting our own ghosts.
Liam goes on, “In a perfect world, Nat would be here to tell you that life is entirely too short to spend it with someone who doesn’t take your breath away.”
My eyes somehow produce a few more tears, and through them I manage, “She would.”
“And, yes. If I could choose my happy, he would be with me for every second of it.”
“So, what’s stopping you?”
I look down, letting the question simmer.
“He deserves better,” I say quietly.
“Better than someone who clawed their way out of their own grave?” Liam says. “Better than someone who goes to meetings regularly, laying their fucking heart on the table in a room full of strangers? A man ready and willing to do whatever it takes to truly live, no matter the cost.”
My eyes threaten more tears but I shake my head trying to stave them off.
“What if all he’ll ever see is that broken version of me?” I ask.
“What if all he’s ever seen is you?” Liam replies.