Chapter 16
I understand more things about men than I’d like to. But the one thing I never learned was how to let one love me. What a foolish thing, to have found someone good and to feel like the one thing standing between myself and happiness is that I simply don’t know how to hold love in my hand.
The town was abuzz with excitement about the election, which was rare.
Because usually it was a mere formality.
This time, there was the potential for exciting change on the horizon.
Flynn certainly felt changed. He could never have imagined willingly going to this craft-fair thing under any other circumstances.
But now he was unpacking campaign merch from his truck, and ferrying it over to Perry’s booth so that Jessie Jane could put her makeup on before things got started.
“You’re very supportive,” Perry said, patting him on the arm as he placed a big sign on the outside of the booth.
“You don’t have to say that like it’s surprising.”
“It’s not surprising. I mean, if Carson can get ahold of himself, you certainly can.”
“I appreciate that you think I’m a little bit less messed up than Carson. That I could get my stuff together this many years sooner in my life.”
She laughed. “Don’t tell him I said that.”
Of course, he thought Perry might be reading too much into the situation.
Jessie was his friend. She’d said that to him a couple of weeks ago right after the debate, and he had decided he liked the term a lot.
Because it meant this wasn’t just a temporary thing that would automatically stop at the end of the election.
But it also meant that it was something manageable.
Something he had experience with. He knew how to be a friend. So he was being friendly.
Jessie appeared a moment later, in all her cowgirl glory. She looked up at him with large eyes, lifted her hands, and started to shake them out. He grabbed hold of them and held her still for a moment, his gaze holding hers. “You’re good,” he said.
“The election is so close.”
“Yes. And you have done everything you possibly can do.”
“What if it’s not enough?”
“That’s on the town, not you.”
“Isn’t that how it always is?”
“Yeah. I suppose so. Because things are easier for some people. And harder for others. Here you are. You tried. You’ve done absolutely all the best things. And you did it because you care.”
She leaned in. “And for revenge.” She said that part in a whisper. And she was so cute, he had to kiss her on the nose.
“Right. But we don’t need to tell everybody that. That’s an inside thought.” He tapped the side of her head.
“You’re ridiculous,” she said.
“You too, sweetie.”
The whole interaction made his heart do something strange in his chest, and he didn’t quite know how to categorize it. So he didn’t.
But he loved to watch Jessie work.
She was so dynamic. So great with everyone that came to the booth to talk to her.
He couldn’t escape the feeling that he was utterly superfluous. But he didn’t actually care.
It felt good to support her. To watch her do her thing. Which made him question himself.
Why exactly was he here? What was this? Was it really just a ruse they were engaging in? Or was it something more?
It didn’t really matter. He was here. They were together.
He took a step away from the booth after they’d been at it for about an hour and looked down the street at all the different displays. There was a coffee cart with baked goods, and he decided he would walk down that way and get something for Jessie.
She didn’t treat herself all that often—she’d said so herself—but he had noticed how much she enjoyed having a fancy coffee and a pastry.
He had the sudden, strange thought that if he could give her little treats every day for the rest of her life, it might actually make him happier than anything else.
He was blindsided by that notion. Didn’t know what the fuck it meant. He actually didn’t know what was happening to him.
But something was shifting. Changing inside him.
He was just about to reach the coffee cart when a hand reached out and grabbed his shoulder.
He turned sharply and came face-to-face with his half brother.
They had the exact same color green eyes, and he always found it alarming.
To look at those eyes, which were so familiar, set into a face that was a sort of distorted version of his own.
A bit softer and rounder. And always with hard resentment glittering right at the surface.
He wondered if he appeared just as resentful when he looked back at Michael.
But he didn’t envy Michael. So he didn’t think so.
“You’re such an asshole, do you know that?”
“For real?” He turned away from his brother and decided to try to keep on walking.
“I’m talking to you, Flynn.”
“Why? It’s not Christmas.”
“Don’t act like that. Your supporting this dog and pony show just to get back at us is ridiculous.”
“Why would anything I do have something to do with you?”
That question would’ve been completely disingenuous at the beginning of the race, but not now.
It was about Jessie Jane now. It was about the fact that he thought she was the best person for the job.
The fact that he thought she deserved to achieve every hope and dream she had ever had.
He thought about his family less and less.
He didn’t care what they thought. Not about her candidacy. Not about anything.
“I’m supporting my girlfriend.”
“Are you? Blood should be thicker than water.”
“Oh well, then. How convenient that suddenly I’m blood, Michael, because generally speaking, you can take me or leave me. And so I guess this time I made the decision myself. Is that what bothers you?”
“It’s because you’re jealous of Danielle and me, and you always have been. Why wouldn’t you be? We grew up in town in a beautiful house and you grew up in that shithole with that crazy old man of yours. We had both of our parents. I understand why you wanted to be part of our family.”
“You really don’t.”
Because he couldn’t deny that he had. But it just wasn’t for the reason Michael thought.
“Well, you got something out of it. You got Grandpa to leave you that land.”
“Don’t,” he said. “I had a relationship with him. I loved him. That he left the land to me wasn’t anything I expected.”
“I have a hard time believing that.”
“Of course you do. Because scheming to get the land is what you would do. It’s what you would care about. I don’t care about the same things. We are not the same. You love that I’m different from you. An outsider.” He tried to turn away again.
“She just didn’t want you. You realize that, right? But Mom is a good person, so she felt guilty about it. She was always trying to include you in family things, but you were just too much of a mess. You don’t fit. And you never did.”
Flynn felt dizzy, as if he was in some kind of time warp.
This was the most juvenile tantrum he had ever witnessed in his life.
The worst thing was that it hurt. It really did.
It hit him right between the ribs, slid right where he was most vulnerable.
Got at the thing he had always been afraid of.
He just wasn’t wanted. He wasn’t enough.
No matter how hard he tried, that love would always be out of his reach.
“Okay,” he said.
“What?”
“Okay. There’s nothing I can do about it, Michael.
Do you want me to cry over it? Two people fucked thirty-one years ago, and I’ve been paying for it ever since.
I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t ask to have to deal with you.
I didn’t ask to have to deal with your sister.
I don’t deserve your resentment. I sure as hell don’t deserve this tirade. This is bullshit.”
Nothing had ever brought him more clarity than this moment. Part of him had always feared it.
To have the truth shoved in his face. So that there was no more plausible deniability. To have the thin veneer of resentment pulled back so that he actually had to hear how much everyone hated him. How much of an imposition he was.
But the truth was, he hadn’t asked to be born.
And the two people who should have been the adults had done a piss-poor job of dealing with the situation.
Maybe his mother hadn’t wanted him, but then she should have been clear on that.
Signed away her parental rights, or something.
Or maybe just have been a better mother.
Because the simple truth was, she couldn’t have hated him when he was a baby.
He was the consequence of his parents’ mistakes, but they had made him live with the consequences, instead of paying the price themselves. His dad had done the same with all his children. And his mother had simply run away, taking no responsibility for him.
Only Austin had done that. Carson.
And here was Michael, acting as if Flynn’s existence was some kind of burden, when it had never really affected him. He’d grown up in a beautiful house. He had both of his parents.
“If I have so little, then why the hell are you so obsessed with me?” Flynn asked. He turned away again, this time decisively, and got in line for coffee. His brother did not follow him.
Rage churned through his veins.
And churned and churned.
He brought the coffee cup over to Jessie, along with a bag that had a donut in it.
“You don’t look so great,” she said.
“I’m fine,” he growled.
“You sound like you’re ready to commit murder. But okay.”
He worked on smiling again. On getting his head back in the game. He was here for Jessie. This had nothing to do with his stupid brother.
“I’m not going to commit murder. If I was going to murder that little weasel, I would’ve done it years ago.”
“Who?” asked Perry, poking her head around Jessie to look at him.
“My stupid half brother. He’s a dick. There’s no reason to get wound up about it.”
Even if he did feel wound up.