Chapter 48
FORTY-EIGHT
Ty
? If I Were – Nothing More ?
“Okay,” Dani says, taking a deep breath.
“Let me make sure I’m following…he told you he’s in love with you, then he told you he didn’t mean it, then told you he didn’t mean that he didn’t mean it?
” I nod. She sighs and runs a hand over her face.
“Jesus Christ. This is why I date women. Men are idiots.”
I snort a laugh. I had no intention of putting Dani in the middle of this, but other than maybe going to talk to Josh, which I knew wouldn’t help anything right now, I couldn’t think of anywhere else to go.
I wanted to go home, put as much distance between us as possible, but I’d left all my suitcases behind in my room when I’d stormed out and I couldn’t very well walk back in for them after I’d just made a perfectly dramatic exit.
When Kate saw me upset and wandering aimlessly through the lot, she pulled me inside and made me spill. So, I collapsed onto the couch and told them everything that happened in the last twelve hours.
“What am I supposed to do?” I say, then immediately hold my hand up when Dani opens her mouth.
“No, don’t. I shouldn’t even be here, putting you in the middle of this…
whatever it is,” I say, waving my hand in the air.
“That was more of a rhetorical question to myself. This was…not how I wanted things to end.”
“Are you in love with him?” Kate asks.
“Of course I am,” I say, draping my arm across my eyes.
“And you know he’s in love with you too, right?” Dani asks.
I let out a deep exhale.
“See, that’s the problem. I don’t know. I want to believe he is, but this is just all so…”
“Look,” Dani says. “I don’t want to tell you what to do or what to believe, but I will tell you what I know.
I know for a fact that everything he said to you last night was the truth.
He’s been in love with you since New York.
You have no idea how hard he looked for you.
How badly he wanted to find you. And when he did, he took your reaction hard and decided that spending six months with you in a business partnership and then going your separate ways was better than the alternative. ”
“Which was?”
“Never seeing you again.”
I close my eyes against the sting of tears. He was going to let me go. He loves me, and he was just going to let me go. Never tell me how he felt. Never pressure me. Just…spend time with me and watch me walk away.
I want to believe her—to believe him—but it’s almost impossible for my brain to move past what happened this morning.
“You asked what you should do? I would at least hear him out. Stay. Come to the show with me, and then, if you’re feeling up to it, talk to him.”
The final show is in less than three hours, and then…it’s over. I drive home and he returns to Texas and…what? I never see him again? God, just thinking about never seeing him again tears my heart open. How could we possibly go from seeing each other every day to not seeing each other at all?
We can’t. We just…can’t.
“Okay,” I say. Dani flashes me a very excited smile, and I hug her before heading back to my RV. Eric will already be in the arena for sound check, so I’ll have time to collect myself and figure out what the hell I’m going to say to him.
The energy in PPG Paints Arena is humming, and I can already tell it’s going to be a great night.
I smile as I race through the halls backstage, knowing I’ve seen enough of these shows to pick up on whether the crowd is going to be over-the-top loud or more mellow, and tonight feels like an over-the-top kind of night.
They’ve worked their asses off for the last six months. They deserve a high energy closer.
I spent too much time freaking out in the RV and I’m so late that I make it backstage just in time to see Eric running out onto the stage and climbing up to his spot high above them all.
The King, seated on his throne and ready to rule.
Except tonight, something’s off. His shoulders are slumped and there’s a deep crease between his brows. Physically, he’s there, but...
I walk as close to the edge of the stage as I can, and he finally looks over.
Our eyes meet and his body relaxes on an exhale just as the lights cut out.
The spotlight shines on the center of the stage and Josh is launched into the air one final time.
Before he even hits the ground, the crowd is the loudest I’ve heard on this tour. The energy is electric.
When the lights come back up, Eric is himself again—laser focused, and smiling so wide his dimples are on full display. I back away to stand next to Dani and Kate, where we stay for first three songs before making our way back to the sound board at the back of the floor section.
Tonight, much like the first time I saw them, I can’t take my eyes off Eric.
He’s as focused as I’ve ever seen, adding little flourishes that most people won’t notice, but I now pride myself on picking up on.
Every twirl of the sticks in his talented fingers.
Every stick flip. The way he’s catching every pop.
He’s breathtaking.
We’re all having such a good time behind the scenes, singing at the top of our lungs and jumping around like fools, that I don’t realize they’ve already made it to the next to last song until Kate elbows me and nods to the stage so we can get back before the encore.
We make it back to our spots at the side of the stage as the lights go brighter and Josh starts speaking to the crowd. We turn our packs on and don our headphones as we listen to Josh’s words.
“Tonight is the last night on this tour,” he begins, stretching his arms wide and turning to Kevin, Eric, and Max.
“And from the bottom of all of our hearts, we want to thank all you crazy motherfuckers for supporting us and being the absolute best fans in the world.” The crowd roars to life, cheering louder than they have since the first notes were played and Josh landed on stage in that graceful, predatory way he does.
“We truly appreciate every single one of you,” he continues. “And to that end we want to bless you, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, by playing a brand-new song for you. Something we haven’t even recorded yet or played live, because it’s something we’ve been working on for the last few weeks.”
“Did you know they were doing a new song tonight?” I ask Dani. She shakes her head, looking as confused as I feel.
“This song was written by that beautiful motherfucker back there on drums. My brother, Mr. Eric Ambrose. The fucking King!” The crowd cheers again as Josh points to Eric, who stands and waves to the crowd from behind his kit before sitting back down.
“This song is called ‘Without You,’ and we hope you like it.”
Max begins the song with a distorted riff before Eric and Kevin come in a few measures later.
Josh has turned from the crowd and is walking toward our side of the stage. His eyes meet mine, and he presses a finger to his ear, tapping his in-ears twice and nodding at me before facing the crowd again.
“Is he having monitor issues?” I ask.
“I don’t think that’s what that was…” Dani says.
Eric, Max, and Kevin drop out and Josh sings the first two lines acapella, a subtle voice effect on his mic, and goosebumps cover my skin when Eric comes back in first, Max and Kevin following a beat later.
The arrangement is so striking and complex that I’m once again amazed that there are only four of them out there on that stage.
As I listen to the lyrics, my heart creeps into my throat. Had Josh been telling me to listen? I close my eyes, forcing myself to focus on his voice through my body pack, and as I do, I can’t stop the tears that fall from my eyes.
Behind Josh’s voice, I hear a steady, familiar beat backing the track—the one Eric wrote on the bus months ago. The one he’d played for me that reminded me of a heartbeat.
Something steady, something that drives you without you even realizing it.
For the first time since Eric and I met, I know I’m not imagining this.
If Josh made a point to tell the entire crowd that Eric wrote these lyrics, and then subtly told me to listen, Eric’s intentions are perfectly clear.
This thing between us isn’t a one-night stand or a passing joke or an alcohol-fueled night of passion.
Despite the up-tempo beat, this is a love song.
And it’s for me.
Look at me, I will him. Please.
But he doesn’t. He keeps his focus glued to his kit, laying down the most beautiful foundation I have ever heard. Pouring his heart and soul into every hit.
It’s the end of the show, so I can’t tell if what’s running down his face is sweat, or tears, or both, but my heart is hammering in my chest as I watch him.
Look at me. God damn it, look at me.
If he does finally look as he plays the final note, I don’t see it.
I’m already gone.