Chapter 31
I’m not somebody who paces. My nervous energy manifests in different ways, like chewing the inside of my cheek to the point of pain or wringing my hands together until they’re a contorted jumble.
Today, though? Today I’m about to wear down a path in the beige carpet in my childhood bedroom with how much I’m pacing back and forth.
I feel funny knowing this will most likely be one of the last times I stand here. I could actually laugh about how I’ve waited thirty years to get out, and now that it’s here, I’m terrified.
This room has always held so much of me—sanctuary in a hellscape—and today I’m saying goodbye.
Because I’m about to tell my mother the good news about our bloodline continuing, and I’m not stupid enough to think I’ll be met with anything better than the quick removal of my presence from the residence.
Do I know where I’m going? No.
Am I worried about Chase and Hunter? Yes, obviously.
But, like someone very important to me—even if I am very angry with them—has said numerous times, I always have a choice.
I choose myself and this baby.
It actually wasn’t a hard decision to make once I finally said the hard words out loud.
I’m pregnant.
I love this baby, and somehow, cosmically, this baby already loves me, too.
Nothing else matters.
Well, finding us a stable and safe living situation along with possibly a job to support us after my savings run out are among the list of things that do actually matter.
But the foundation of unconditional love is there.
And that’s propelling me in the right direction of knowing, despite all of the unknown and bad that might be coming our way, that this is going to work out.
Even if the reminder that August is not joining us for the ride is so painful that sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe at the thought of it.
I’ve ignored every call and text. And boy, have there been a lot of them. But he said he was out. I understand it was most likely coming from a place of shock, but it doesn’t change the fact that in that moment, I needed any other sort of reaction.
One where he stayed, and I didn’t run.
I pick up the ultrasound I got today from the top of one of the suitcases I’ve packed to look at the blob of cells for the zillionth time. Seeing the factual information laid out in small font on this tiny piece of paper is, for some reason, comforting.
I click play on the short video clip on my phone and close my eyes to listen to the faint thump, thump, thump of the world’s littlest heartbeat.
My baby’s heartbeat. The tech said there was a chance it was too early to hear it, but apparently, luck was on my side today. Hearing it made me feel less alone.
I then side-eye the clear plastic bag that contains my ridiculously pointless IUD they had to remove during my appointment, the one that was sitting perfectly in place within the walls of my uterus.
Did you know they can sometimes fail for literally no reason whatsoever?
I sure as hell didn’t. The doctor joked that it must have been taking PTO the day I conceived.
I didn’t laugh.
August would have laughed.
Oh, for fuck’s sake, Daisy. Who gives a shit what August would have laughed at?
How long is this internal battle going to rage within my mind?
Forever, the mini-Daisy voice in my head tells me.
Well, forever’s a long time, and the voice can wait. I’m about to blow up my life. I’m busy.
A soft knock on my bedroom door startles me. Hunter pokes his head in.
“Hey…Wait, what’re those bags for?”
I sneakily tuck the ultrasound into my old journal.
“Hey, dude. I’m uh, actually—I wanted to talk with you. And Chase.”
Hunter opens the door further, skepticism painted across his face.
“Why?”
“Can you just bring Chase in here?”
The twins return not even two minutes later, both hopping up on my bed, looking around at the near empty room. I have no time to prepare how I want to do this.
“So, I’m gonna be taking off for a while.”
Hunter bounces up, for once looking so much younger than he usually presents himself.
“Where? Why? Is Gus going with you?”
The mention of his name stings.
“No, August is staying here in Merrymount. I have some things to figure out. But I love you guys so much—”
“Why does it feel like you might never come back?” Hunter asks. Chase whips his head in his brother’s direction, shocked to his core. Like he never imagined a day where I wasn’t right here in the room across the hall.
“I’ll always come back for you. I promise. But I have to go talk to Mom and Dad, and I’ll be honest, I don’t think the conversation is going to go well.”
“We’ll come with you.” Hunter puffs his chest out defensively.
He’s changed so much in the months since August was introduced into his life, as if all he needed was that one person to break him out of his angry shell.
He’s my Hunter again, the one who wants to fiercely protect and do the right thing.
I shake my head, willing the waterworks forming to stand firmly behind my lashline.
“This is a fight you do not need to, should not, and will not be a part of.”
I vowed to protect them in any way I could. I’m still standing by that.
“That’s bullshit,” Hunter spits.
“Don’t think you can talk to me like that,” I throw back at him.
Chase looks from Hunter to me, unspoken thoughts and emotions swirling through his deep blue eyes. He throws himself back, looking up at the ceiling.
I clear my throat.
“There is one more thing. I haven’t told anyone. You’re actually…” I hesitate. God, why is this so hard? “You’re the first people I get to tell, like, for myself.”
Chase props himself up on his elbows to look at me. Hunter shifts in his spot.
“I’m having a baby.”
Both little twelve-year-old jaws fall open, and I pull the ultrasound out of the worn pages of my high school journal, tossing it in between them on the bed.
“That little white dot is going to become your niece or nephew.”
Hunter slowly and carefully picks up the ultrasound to inspect while Chase leans his head over to get a better view. Both remain silent.
“I’m an open book. Anything you want to know, just ask. I know this is a big deal, but you’re both my number ones. I love you more than anything, and I don’t want you to think that things are going to change with the three of us.”
“They’re gonna kick you out,” Hunter mutters.
I suck in a breath and blow it out.
“Yeah…I’m leaving before they can, but yeah.” There’s not much else to say.
“You do everything for them. You run the flower shop and take care of us, and they’ll still kick you to the curb. With a baby.”
I wince. He has a point, but shit. It’s harsh.
“You’re right. But you’re also wrong, Hunter.
” I take a step towards the two boys who kept me grounded here for so long, my whole fucking world.
“I did—do—everything for you. And this new baby growing inside me.” When I place my hand on my belly, both sets of eyes follow my movement. “Mom and Dad…they—”
“Suck,” Hunter finishes my train of thought.
“They try,” I say with defeat. As much as I tried to shelter and protect them, our parents’ true identities slipped through the cracks somewhere along the way, and the facade feels like a moot point now.
“They try, and they fail a lot. I wish they made better decisions. I think we all wish that for a lot of people.”
My mind travels to August and how we’ve both handled things so fucking poorly. Everything is a goddamn mess.
The three of us hear the back door open, but not one of us attempts to move even an inch. Chase’s wide eyes find mine, and when he reaches out to grab my hand, I take it and squeeze. I hope with everything I am that our tried and true wordless connection is running strong today.
“Boys?” our mother calls up the stairs.
I nod in the direction of the door, silently telling them to go before either of our parents come searching and find a reason to start an argument about three siblings having the audacity to gather and talk.
Hunter doesn’t let go of the ultrasound and before he has to ask I say, “Keep it.” I push the hand holding the ultrasound toward him. “I’m serious. I have three others. I’ll send you updated ones as I get them done, okay?”
When they reach my doorway, both twins turn around to face me and come barreling into me at the same time. I embrace them both, holding them so tight, not knowing the next time I’ll get to do this. Wishing more than anything I did this sort of thing more often.
I time everything perfectly. Once I hear the shower running downstairs, I get the majority of my bags down from my room, packed into my car undetected.
I’m waiting at the kitchen table by the time my mother emerges from her bedroom in an over-the-top silk nightgown, her nightly cocktail already in hand.
“We need to talk,” I say, breaking the silent staredown.
Mary Jane rolls her eyes, and I clench my fists. A battle is already beginning apparently. Lovely.
“Out with it, Daisy.”
I toss the ultrasound down on the table between us.
A humorless bark of a laugh escapes my mother’s worn face. She places her glass down in favor of picking up the black-and-white picture to inspect.
“Well, well, well. It appears your antics and games have finally caught up to you.”
“Excuse me?” I wiped my mind clear of any expectations surrounding this conversation before coming down here, but this isn’t a response I could have prepared for.
“You thought you could fuck your way around and not wind up in this sort of predicament?”
“Y-you’re…” I sputter. “You’re slut-shaming me. I’m telling you, as your daughter, that I’m pregnant—at thirty, mind you, not sixteen—and you throw in my face that I’m some sort of town whore?”
“If it looks like a duck…” Mary Jane makes a tsking sound.
“Oh…my God.” I push away from the table to stand. I need to get the fuck out of here now. I don’t know what to say, what to do…There’s no fixing what’s broken here.
“Leaving so soon?” Mom asks in a singsong voice that slices right through me, throwing the ultrasound back onto the table.
“Aren’t celebrations in order? Let’s call your father in here.
I’m sure he’ll be so pleased. Ron!” she yells.
When she picks her drink back up, she swigs the whole thing back in one go.
I swipe the ultrasound up. If I’m going, I guess I better go out with a bang.
“It really was never me. All this time, I tried to find blame in myself when in reality, you really are just…bad people.” I shake my head. “I waited years for you to have some come to fucking Jesus moment. I guess a small part of me held onto hope.”
My father enters the kitchen, already looking done and over this conversation. It’s his usual appearance whenever he has to face me, the daughter he discarded.
“Daisy here has something to share.”
“I haven’t put much weight in any tale Daisy felt the need to burden us with in years. I don’t see how something today could change that.”
“You know what? Fuck this. Dad—I actually hate calling you that. Ronald, Mr. Stiles, whatever. You’re spineless. I hate that I’m related to you, and I hate that we share a name.”
His face never changes. It remains cold and emotionless, just like it always does whenever I’m around. Maybe it’s always been this way, and I just never noticed until I got older. Until I “ruined” things for him for good. His gaze drifts to the ultrasound.
“The feeling is mutual. You’ve been my biggest disappointment. I’m not sure why I was bothered with this. Mary Jane, I need a refill whenever she’s gone. Good luck.” He leaves the room without another word.
Mom’s face contorts for a second, as if she’s recovering from a slap to the face, possibly a minuscule moment of regret, a sobering blip of time. But when she fixes herself into yet another look of blankness, I accept this ending for what it is.
My hand is on the doorknob when my mother finally speaks.
“Are you keeping it?”
I don’t turn around when I answer her, not strong enough to look her in the eyes, but my response is clear and confident.
“Yes.”
The sureness of my voice kicks everything else my body was holding back into gear, and I whip my head around.
“And I will love this baby with everything I am. Every day. Unconditionally. And I’ll believe them when they tell me something’s wrong or someone hurt them.” I suck in a breath to gather myself. I don’t want to fall apart in front of anyone, least of all her. “I’ll be the mother I needed.”
Everything else can, and most likely will, go to shit, but that fact will remain true forever.
When I slam the door, it feels like the whole house shakes as I walk away. Once I’m at my car, I look up to see Hunter and Chase side by side in the window of their bedroom. I wave and blow a kiss. A promise that I'll be back for them.