Chapter 22 Let It Out
Chapter twenty-two
Let It Out
Adriana
Adriana stretched against the soft sheets, smiling at the smell of freshly cut grass wafting in through an open window.
She could hear the birds singing outside along with the sound of soft ripples of calm water, and the sunlight warmed her bare arms. She savoured the relaxing feeling for a few more moments, not wanting to open her eyes just yet and face the day.
As she rolled onto her side she noticed the pillow she had clung to in the night had such a familiar smell, one that calmed and yet set her body ablaze all at once.
She inhaled the musky scent, a mix of sandalwood, amber and something else.
It reminded her of long walks in the damp forest and nights spent cuddling under the stars.
It was the smell of Xander’s skin, his hair, his breath.
She had tried for so long to remove him from her memory, but his unmistakable scent called to her.
She remembered the way Xander used to hold her in his arms, the way he kissed her, all the ways he made love to her.
And then she remembered the way he broke her bones, the way he tore her flesh, the way he killed her.
Adriana’s eyes flew open as she woke up fully, staring at the pillow in her hands. This wasn’t her bed, nor was this her room.
“I used to love watching you dream,” a deep voice softly spoke.
She slowly turned her head to see Xander sitting in a large wicker chair in the corner of the room, his hands clasped in front of him as he rested his arms on his knees.
He stared intently at her, his eyes swimming with emotions she couldn’t quite decipher while his face remained tense.
The only sign that he was nervous was the constant shaking of his right leg.
“I always loved watching whatever passed through your mind as you slept,” he continued. “I’d sometimes join you in your thoughts so I could experience them with you. I loved the dreams you would have of us. Now, I am the one to plague your nightmares.”
Adriana sat up in the bed, pulling the covers over herself. She was still in the same clothes as she had been when she and Cass had gone to the train station, minus the coat and boots. But she hated that the brands on her arms were exposed, especially to him.
She watched him warily, noticing his dishevelled appearance.
His dark brown hair was a mess, as though he’d been running his hands through and tugging on it like she knew he did when he was stressed.
His dark shirt was still tucked into his black trousers, but the sleeves had been rolled up uncaringly and the top buttons were undone.
His stubble was longer than she’d ever seen, his usual light golden complexion seemed paler, and his eyes were sunken. It was odd to see him so scruffy.
He looked tired, as if he had been awake for hours, maybe days. She realised then that she had no idea how long she had been asleep for, how long she had been gone for, or if Cass was okay.
“You’ve been out for a couple of days,” he answered her racing thoughts. “Cassandra is with my brothers at the Courts headquarters in London, she’s safe.”
“Get out of my head,” she quietly said through gritted teeth as she threw up the barriers to her mind, cursing herself for letting them down around him.
He blinked a few times before lowering his eyes, giving her a slight nod. Adriana eyed his fidgeting hands, noticing the plain silver band on his ring finger of his left hand. He quickly covered it, his eyes widening as if he had been caught red handed.
“Would you punch me?”
Adriana gawked at him. “What?”
“Punch me,” Xander stated, as if it were obvious as to why. “As hard as you like. Or kick me or slap me. You can even stab me, if you prefer.”
“What are you talking about?” Adriana huffed in annoyance.
“I need to know if this is real, that I am not asleep,” Xander whispered, his shoulders dropping in exhaustion as he continued wringing his hands.
“It feels like I am awake but you are here, and I only ever see you in my dreams. Every time I have woken each morning I have wanted to hit my head against a wall to put myself under again, or to get blindingly drunk so that I can sleep once more, so that I can dream and find you there.”
Adriana shifted uncomfortably, staring at the bedsheets with a sour expression on her face as his words sunk in. She could not believe the audacity of him to say such things.
“I’ve even called out to Edward’s beloved Superus Quies on occasion," Xander continued. That got Adriana’s attention, knowing he had never been one to waste his time on the gods, especially one so trivial as the god of dreams. “I begged him to let me live in his world permanently, but my prayers went unanswered.”
“Likely because you are not worthy of a response,” Adriana spat out, her words as sharp as the glare she struck him with.
Xander raised his eyebrows and nodded. “Less worthy men than me have been granted far greater miracles.”
Adriana looked around the room, taking in the small bedroom.
The large bed she sat on took up the majority of the space, it was covered in soft white sheets with green knitted blankets.
There was a small bedside table on either side, a chest of drawers and wardrobe in one corner of the room, and the wicker chair where Xander sat in the other.
The walls were a similar colour to the green blankets, and the window frame was made of the same oak as the bed.
She surveyed the books that lined the shelves on the walls, an array of classics and Daemonium stories.
It was a beautiful room, exactly how Adriana had imagined she would decorate if she had ever had the chance to stay in one place long enough.
“Where are we?”
Xander smiled as he followed her gaze around the room. “Somewhere safe,” he replied.
“And when can I leave?”
“When you are in control.”
Adriana laughed at him as she threw the blankets off her and stood from the bed, searching for her things. She tried to appear as though his presence didn’t affect her, as though she couldn’t care less that he was in the same room with her.
“When I’m in control? That’s a bit hypocritical coming from you, isn’t it?”
Xander said nothing, he just watched her walk around the room. She realised her boots were on the floor right next to where he sat and stared at them, not wanting to be any closer to him. He glanced down at her shoes before bringing his gaze back to her pained expression.
“What’s wrong? Worried I’ll bite?”
Adriana clenched her fists in anger, staring daggers at him from across the room. She knew what he was doing; she’d seen his tactic so many times before. She knew when he was trying to make himself her enemy, to give her someone to aim her anger at, but she wasn’t having it.
“Don’t you dare make jokes with me. Don’t you fucking dare!”
“Good, get mad. Get angry with me, sweetheart.”
“Don’t call me that. I know what you’re doing, so stop it. You don’t get to speak to me like that. You don’t get to call me that!”
Xander smirked at her from his chair, his tired eyes filling with what seemed to be pride. He was goading her as best he could and, as much as she wanted to ignore it, she was itching to unleash her fury upon him.
“I am not your sweetheart,” Adriana raged. “I am not your anything, not anymore!”
“And why is that? Tell me, why are you not mine?”
“You know why! Because of what you did to me, what you made me into!”
Adriana’s body swayed as she began to cry, her tears spilling down her cheeks. She flinched as he stood and reached to her, only letting herself breathe again once he put his hands into his pockets.
“Tell me what I did, Adriana. Tell me everything. Let it all out.”
Adriana backed away from him, holding a hand to her chest as she sobbed. She shook her head frantically at him, not wanting to face her past, not wanting to face what had happened. Not wanting to face him.
Her mind ran wild with terrible thoughts—thoughts of wishing she had died all those years ago, wishing she had never woken up.
She wished she had let herself starve when she realised she was a Lamia, she wished she’d walked into her burning house to join her family, she wished she had let the man at the train station kill her.
“Confront it,” Xander firmly said, taking slow steps towards her. “Let it out, Adriana. Take it all out on me. I hurt you, so hurt me. Use me to feel whole again.”
Adriana backed up against the wall as he continued to walk towards her. She shut her eyes, refusing to look at him, refusing to let herself feel anything for him.
“I can’t, I can’t do it! It hurts, it hurts so much.”
“Because I hurt you. So fight me, hurt me back. I will take whatever you give me, whatever you throw at me. I owe you at least that much.”
She snapped her eyes open when she felt his breath fan her face. She pulled at her hair, shaking her head as the tears continued to fall as she struggled to maintain her control. It hurt so much. Everything she had been through, everything he had put her through, the pain was indescribable.
“Why?” she sobbed. “Why did you do that to me? How could you?”
Xander placed his hands on her face, his touch cooling her hot skin. She continued to stutter and cry as he held her, and she realised his face was also stained with tears.
“I’m sorry, Adriana, I am so sorry. I would never have hurt you, I would never have done that. I couldn’t stop it, I had no control of it after Striga died. I loved you, you must know that. I still…”
Adriana started to lose focus on Xander’s words at the mention of her great-grandmother; the same woman that had supported him, helped him, and trusted him. Only for her to die at the hand of the man she thought was her friend.
She screamed, interrupting his futile apology, her voice piercing the air like shattered glass. She felt her emotions completely spiral out of control, her powers lashing out like a wild beast.