Chapter 23 The Balance of Magic
Chapter twenty-three
The Balance of Magic
Adriana
Adriana hardly slept that night, her mind drifting to terribly dark corners and causing her to wake up drenched in sweat several times.
She was just all too aware of the man sleeping on the sofa in the living room only a few feet away.
It was as if every cell in her body screamed at her to run, but in which direction she did not know.
As the sun rose and all hope of sleep died out with the stars, she hauled herself out of bed, putting on the same jeans and shirt as the day before.
Xander had brought her rucksack with him, but the majority of her clothes had been packed in Cass’ bag, with only spare underwear and socks in her own alongside two bottles of blood, a wad of cash, her necklace, and Striga’s Tales of Daemonium.
The thought of Cass brought a smile to her face as she wondered just how much hell she was putting Xander’s brothers through.
It seemed she hadn't been the only one who'd struggled to sleep, judging from how long she'd heard the shower running all morning. She’d wanted to jump in before getting dressed, but Xander had been in there for almost an hour, the sound of water splashing against bathroom tiles drifting through the cottage. They hadn’t spoken much during the evening before, choosing instead to eat the dinner he had cooked in silence.
It had been tough to not look at him as they sat across the small table from one another, especially with his gaze weighing down on her the entire time.
Once they’d finished their food, Xander told her she would take the bedroom and he’d sleep on the sofa.
Before she could even respond, he’d wished her a good night and busied himself with tidying the kitchen.
She was thankful for it, his understanding that she needed some space, especially if they were going to survive under the same roof for a while.
“Adriana?” Xander’s voice called from the other side of the bedroom door, making her jump. She’d been too lost in her thoughts to realise the shower had stopped running. “Could you unlock the door?”
Adriana frowned as she realised she couldn’t even remember locking the door the night before. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t even know that I’d…”
Her words trailed off as she opened the door to find him standing before her wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his hips. His dark hair hung in wet curls over his face, his beard freshly trimmed, and his chest damp with droplets of water.
“You locked it during the night,” Xander said, with a nod to the door. “You weren't completely awake when you did it.”
“Stalking my mind as I sleep again, are you? If you're going to keep me here, I think we're going to need boundaries.”
“I didn't mean to. Your thoughts kept calling out to me in your nightmares.”
They stared at one another for a while, Adriana still blocking the doorway as Xander stood there, the water dripping down his body begging for her attention. No, she couldn't. She wouldn't look, she wouldn't go there.
“I just came to get some clothes. There's coffee in the kitchen, and a few bottles of blood in the top right cupboard. You’re probably going to need it for today.”
Adriana's brow furrowed as she stepped aside to allow him through. She didn't like him talking about her feeding, it felt wrong. “Why? What's happening today?”
“We start again,” he said, his back to her as he rummaged through the chest of drawers. Before Adriana could argue with him, assuming he meant something else entirely, Xander quickly turned to her to explain. “I meant we start your training again. Nothing else. Unless you thought—”
“No, nothing else,” Adriana abruptly cut him off. “Training. Sounds good. The sooner I can regain my control, the sooner I can leave.”
Xander
In truth, Xander had expected their training session to go terribly. He’d imagined all the ways she’d lose control, lashing out at him with every ounce of her powers, making him suffer for what he had done. But she didn't, not at all. She held back.
He maintained a link to her mind the entire time, watching for any sign of her about to lose control.
But all those years of hiding, of pushing down her darkest desires because of the shame she felt for holding them, had proven useful when faced with the man who threatened to unravel her sanity entirely.
Xander saw the obvious surprise on her face each time he offered her kindness instead of the antagonistic comments he used to make.
He made sure to be patient, to show that he cared, because he knew now, after everything, that was the only way to get through to her.
That was the only way to break the hold her hatred had on her.
He knew she didn't hate him, not really, but she wished she could, as did he. It would be so much easier that way, for both of them. Perhaps then she wouldn’t keep directing it to herself.
They had worked through each of the elements, and other than a lightning strike that landed a little too close to him than he was comfortable with, Xander had remained unscathed. Until they began to work on her shadows.
He had never had to learn to control the darkness; he was reborn with the gift. Adriana had inherited his power, but not his connection to it. He was a natural master of it, but Adriana… she was something else entirely.
As she conjured another shadow, wisps of dark magic pooling and spilling over her palm, it was clear to Xander that she was not its ruler.
Instead, she was at one with it. The way it moved along her skin, the gentle caresses, the ebb and flow as it rippled in time with her breathing.
Adriana's connection to his darkness was something else entirely.
He first noticed it in that alleyway, how strange the shadows had reacted to her taking them from him and making them her own.
Whereas he could mould the darkness to obey him, Adriana forcibly took it.
She made the shadows accept her, to become one with her, and even after she dropped her hold of her magic, they often continued to flock around her.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” she asked, with a scrutinising stare as she dropped the shadow in her hand to the ground. Just as Xander expected, it remained by her feet, curling around her ankles for a moment, before vanishing.
“Your Nocte powers are so different to mine,” he said, hoping his tone sounded curious rather than accusational. “It's just strange to see someone else control the darkness. And even stranger that it's you.”
“Well, I've had quite a lifetime to practice. Surprised I could do it without you?”
“No, that's not what I meant. I just didn't expect it, I didn't expect any of this. I'm sorry, I didn't mean for you to think I didn't believe in you.”
Adriana nodded in agreement, but her mind remained cloudy with doubt.
Of course she didn't trust him, she'd be a fool to do so. But it killed Xander to not be able to get anywhere near her without her freezing, to not be able to make her laugh, to push her to snap at him, to hold her. Most of all, he despised the way her self-doubt stemmed from her perception of him being ashamed of her, of what she’d become.
He never wanted to turn her, that much was true.
He knew that Adriana didn't want an immortal life, and he'd never wish it upon anyone.
But he could never be ashamed of her, he could never not love her.
She saw herself as a monster, because it was a monster that had created her.
As much as Xander wanted to fix the lies running through her mind, he knew that only she could decide what she was. Only she could decide who she was.
“Have you sensed a difference with your light?” he asked. “You haven't shown your Luciferus magic all day, I wondered if perhaps your Nocte abilities interfere with it.”
She averted her eyes, staring at the ground and fidgeting with a button on her shirt. “I don't use my light that much anymore. It still comes to me naturally when I'm in danger. Other than that, I can't reach for it like I used to.”
“Because of your shadows?”
“Because of you.” Xander’s mouth parted in a silent gasp at her words. “You were the one who brought out my light. The only time I can bring it forward is when I think of you, of us. And it hurts too much to do that anymore.”
He was utterly speechless. Her confession felt like a physical blow to his chest, the air punched from his lungs despite unconsciously expecting it. It wasn’t just the pain of her words, but the paradox of them. She was his light, she always had been, yet he was the one to extinguish hers.
The thought left him feeling even more hollow than the empty husk he’d been after he thought he’d lost her for good.
He remembered those years of isolation where every breath felt like an effort, every moment an agonising reminder of what was gone.
When she had died, he knew his heart had died with her.
It had simply stopped, rendering it a useless heavy weight in his chest. And now, standing opposite her, sensing its owner had returned, his bloodied and bruised heart was desperately trying to beat again.
“Cass told me to try to find something else to anchor it to,” Adriana continued, swiftly changing the conversation as if she could hear the dull yet erratic thumping inside his chest. “When I was teaching her how to balance her visions to avoid them interfering with the present, she suggested I find a new balance for my light. Even as a kid, she was smarter than me. But, as much as I tried, nothing ever worked.”
“You stayed with the Romillys this entire time?”
“I did. They'd all gone into hiding after Divina’s death, as you already knew. They chose to live on the outskirts of society, hidden in remote villages in the countryside, before settling in the Scottish Highlands. And they kept me hidden too.”
“Hidden from me.”