30. Wren
WREN
It takes an entire week after my blood work for the results to come through. Seeing normal on multiple tests should be a relief, but really it feels like a mockery.
I should be relieved.
Part of me is. A small, reasonable part of my brain looks at the bloodwork results and thinks, Great. Good. One less thing to worry about. You’re fine.
But I don’t feel fine.
The rest of me wants to throw my phone into a river and scream until my lungs burn.
Because normal doesn’t explain why my cramps sometimes make my vision go fuzzy.
Normal doesn’t explain why I’ve spent years planning outfits around the possibility of bleeding through them.
Normal doesn’t explain why I know exactly which bathrooms on campus have the least foot traffic, or why I keep painkillers in three different bags, or why I once sat through an entire lecture with my nails pressed into my palm so hard I had crescent marks for an hour afterward.
A few of my hormone panels aren’t back yet, and I still have my ultrasound, so why do I feel so helpless right now?
My phone vibrates in my pocket as I walk toward my car, having forgotten my notes that we’re allowed to use during our exam today. I pull it out, noting the number belongs to the twins’ school.
I answer it quickly, “Hello?”
“Hi, Wren? My name is Lucy, and I’m the nurse at Oakville School. Daisy was brought into the office with a fever and isn’t feeling well, so we need to have you come get her.”
“Did you try my mom? I have a test that starts in about fifteen minutes that I really can’t miss.”
“I’m so sorry, honey. We did try calling her a few times, and she didn’t pick up.”
I drop my head, pressing my free hand to my forehead. “Okay. I’ll be there shortly.”
“Sorry again. We’ll see you soon.”
Getting back into my car, I throw my bag onto my seat and lean back against the headrest.
If I could just have one single day that doesn’t end up turning into a shit show, I’d be thrilled. Each day that passes, I’m feeling more and more like I’m nearing the end of my rope.
I love my siblings dearly. I love my mom, but I am drowning, and absolutely no one seems to notice.
Buckling and starting my car, I go to pull out of the parking lot, my car making a very questionable noise as I turn onto the road. I try calling Mom with no luck, so it seems that I’ll be begging to make up the exam tomorrow.
By the time I pull into the elementary school parking lot and head inside, Daisy is sitting in the office, and she definitely doesn’t look well.
I walk over to her, crouching down and brushing a curl from her face. She feels hot, even just by touch.
“I don’t feel good,” she says, her eyes watery like she’s trying her best not to cry.
“I know, girlfriend.” I pick up her backpack, sliding it over my shoulder before signing her out, picking her up, and heading back to my car.
We’re on the road for less than three minutes when my car sputters and dies, barely giving me time to pull to the side of the road.
I sit there for a moment, trying not to lose it completely, but it’s too much. It’s all just too much.
My eyes burn, Daisy starts crying in the backseat, and I join her. I twist the key, trying to restart the car, but it doesn’t do anything.
I grab my phone, dialing my mom again, getting more and more frustrated with every ring, tears continuing to pour down my face. When it goes to voicemail, I end the call before dialing Harlow. I could call Kai, but I know he has practice this afternoon, and he doesn’t need to skip again for me.
She answers on the second ring. “Wren? What’s up? Aren’t you in class?”
“I’m supposed to be,” I choke out. “But I’m currently sitting on the side of the road close to the twins’ school because the nurse called, and I had to come get Daisy because she’s sick.
And then when we headed home, my car decided to die, and now we are literally just on the side of the road, and my mom won’t answer her phone.
” I sob. “I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know who else to call. ”
“I’m on my way right now, okay? I’m at Grayson’s apartment, so it’ll be about half an hour, but I’m coming.” I can hear rustling in the background and another voice mumbling.
“Do I need to bring anything for Daisy?”
I look at my sister in the rearview mirror, who has now seemingly softly cried herself to sleep. “I think she’ll be okay until we get home. She just fell asleep.”
“Okay, I’ll be there soon.”
We hang up, and I rest my head against the steering wheel.
How did I end up here?
Six months ago, I was living in London, enjoying the birds, learning all sorts of photography-related things before coming back to reality, where I’ve yet to choose a specific path. I just didn’t know my reality would look like this.
Somewhere in the last few months, I’ve found the happiest and saddest version of myself all tangled up in one. I’m tired. I’m stressed. I’m happy and blessed with amazing friends, a family, so much good.
So why do I feel like I’m asking for too much just by wanting to feel more appreciated?
My mom is doing what she thinks she needs to do to take care of my four siblings, but sometimes I feel like she forgot she has a fifth child. Me.
Being the oldest is hard, in more ways than one. You are your parents’ first round; they learn what to do, but they also learn what not to do. They make mistakes they don’t want to repeat; they find what works and what doesn’t—from bottles to discipline styles.
You are their first, but they are your first too. Your first memories, first people that you trust, first loves in your life. They can also be your first heartbreak.
Twenty-five minutes later, I see not one car pulling in behind me, but two, Grayon’s truck pulling in right behind Harlow.
Weston, Kai, and Grayson all pile out just as Harlow does.
I open my door carefully, trying my best not to wake Daisy. I step out right as Kai reaches me, immediately pulling me into his chest.
My eyes sting again as I wrap my arms around his waist, his hand brushing down the back of my head. “You could’ve called me.”
“I thought you had practice,” I say into his shirt.
“Doesn’t matter, still would’ve come to help you.” He pulls back slightly, dipping down to look at Daisy asleep in the backseat. “Harlow said she’s sick?”
I nod. “Yeah, she has a fever, and the school couldn’t get a hold of my mom.”
We break apart and walk to the sidewalk where the others are standing. Weston is the first to speak. “Sorry about your car, Wren. Did it make any weird noises before it croaked?”
“Actually, it made a really weird noise when I was leaving PCU, but then it was fine.” I shrug. “Until it wasn’t.”
He nods, moving to the front of the car. “Yo, Grayson, can you pop the hood?”
Grayson jogs around to the driver’s door, opens it, and pops the hood. Weston makes a face, bending down for a closer look.
“Hate to tell ya, girlfriend, but I think you overheated. Your radiator looks split.”
“I don’t know what that really means, but I’m assuming it’s not good.”
Weston nods, his face grim. “Not good at all.”
Of course not.
By the time I convince Kai that I’ll be okay if he stays with the guys and we make it home, Daisy is awake and miserable again after waking up when we were trying to move her into Harlow’s car.
The guys stayed behind with my car; Weston called one of his buddies and is getting him to tow my car to his nearby shop.
I get Daisy settled on the couch with a water bottle, her favorite blanket, and her favorite show, and then some Tylenol in her system.
Harlow’s sitting at the kitchen table, closing her notebook as I make my way over.
“Do you think your English professor will let you make up the test?” she asks as I sit.
I groan. “I hope so. I’m already barely hanging onto a B in that class as it is.”
She gives me a sympathetic look. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re under a lot of stress right now.”
“I know,” I sigh. “But grades don’t fluctuate or grade on a curve depending on your stress level.
I’ve honestly been thinking about skipping next semester or just being done.
I have no idea how I’ll afford it, and I don’t think my mom will be able to swing any childcare for the summer, so why bother?
Unless I can find a few cheaper online courses. ”
Harlow studies me for a minute. “Do you want to finish your degree?”
I do. Or I did. Somewhere along the way, everything has become blurred. Things I used to care about, like my outfits or my hair, don’t really hold any importance to me. The future I used to want for myself, the house, the lifestyle, the job; those have all changed.
For the longest time, I didn’t really care if I went to college. I was fine with whatever my future held for me, as long as Kai was by my side. Then things fell apart, so I forged a new path forward, still not having any idea what I actually wanted for my future.
I started with the basics, getting classes I needed out of the way. Then, I wanted an escape, so I applied for a photography internship in London and had the best time, but it wasn’t something I could picture myself doing as a career. Maybe something on the side, but not as a full-time gig.
Now that Kai is back in the picture, I can’t help but be pulled back into the future I used to see for us. He never shied away from telling me about the life he wanted. He never sugarcoated any of the struggles that might come along with it, either.
“I don’t know anymore,” I tell her honestly. “I really don’t.”
“And that’s okay. You don’t have to have everything figured out right now. Do you have anything else you need to do today?”
“I have to figure out picking up Lily, but other than that, no.”
“I can go get her when it’s time,” she offers. “I don’t mind.”
It’s times like these that I’m extra grateful for the relationships I have. I reach toward her, wrapping my arms around her and hugging her tight.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“Always.”